The Blame Game
After I don't know how long, I finally drifted off to sleep, but oh how I wish I had kept my eyes open.
"Where the fuck have you been?" He slurred at me.
"I-I was just out for a run," He scoffed at me.
"Maybe you should go on more. God knows you could use the exercise." I looked down at the floor, and I heard him walk over to me.
"Do you remember what time I told you to be back?" I had to fight back a cough, the alcohol in his breath was really strong.
"ANSWER ME!!" He yelled. I gulped and nodded.
"Y-yes," he chucked.
"Look at the time. I TOLD YOU TO BE BACK TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES AGO!!!" I whimpered, knowing what was coming. 3 weeks he's been abusing me. Why the hell haven't I left him? I have no idea.
"Maybe next time you go out you should CHECK THE FUCKING TIME!" He screamed into my face before slapping me across the cheek, hard.
"You fat worthless bitch," He grabbed my shoulders, throwing me to the ground.
"Your not any thinner! I bet you wern't running, I bet you were fucking some other guy. You slut!" He kicked my in the gut, earning a groan from me.
"P-please Ky." I whispered, tears falling down my cheeks.
"Please what? Please do more? You like it don't you. Because you know you deserve it." He sat on me so I couldn't move, on leg on either side of me.
"You know you deserve every bit of it," He sneered before punching me in the jaw and lifting me up a little so he could slam me back into the ground. He continued to slap and punch me.
"I'm gonna enjoy this," he started rolling his hips against mine.
"Yah, I can make this fun," he smirked, leaning down and roughly smashing his lips to mine, shoving his tongue into my mouth. When I didn't kiss back he pulled away, a disgusted look on his face.
"You ungrateful little whore!" He slapped me backhanded before grinding his hips to mine so hard it hurt and once again smashing his lips to mine. This time I didnt make the mistake of not kissing back. I kissed him, but not with much passion.
"Harder," he moaned and punched me, to make sure I really got the message.
Staring up at the ceiling, all I could see was Perrie's face. When we were happy, when she was yelling at me, then after I slapped her. I blinked back more tears, I've cried enough today. I owe the only ounce of light hidden somewhere in me to Bella. I still dont understand why she doesn't hate me, I mean I must remind her so much of---I jolted when I heard a scream from Bellas room. I jumped out of bed, literally, and ran into her room. She was thrashing in her bed gripping the sheets for dear life as tears streamed down her face.
"Please, stop." She whimpered.
"Please Ky-- I promise-- I'm sorry--please--stop-AHH!" A massive wave of guilt flushed over me. She told me that she only ever has these bad dreams when they're triggered by something. I triggered this. When I slapped Perrie I reminded her of Ky. I caused her this pain. I rushed to her side, rubbing her arm to try to calm her down. My first thought was to wake her up, but the last time I did that it didn't go to well, and this seems ten times worse.
"Shhh Bella it's ok it's just a dream," I whispered. But that's the thing, its not just a dream, its some sort of flashback. She kept moving and crying and whimpering. The sight was breaking my heart.
"Calm down love, calm down," I tried to sooth her by stroking her hair, it helped a little last time. I was about to hop into bed with her to see if I could do what I did last time and hold her, but Harry burst in the room. He looked panicked and distraught. He looked from Bella to me, and anger washed over his face.
"What the fuck did you do?" He hissed. My eyes widened.
"Nothing, I swear, she's having a bad dream," Yeah, one I caused. "She-she's had them before, I know how to sort of calm her down." I gushed out.
"WHAT?! She's had them before! Why didnt you tell any of us!" He whisper yelled.
"Because she didnt want me too and it was none of your business," I shot back. That only made him more angry.
"None of my business? NONE OF MY BUSINESS? Of course-" He was cut of by another of Bellas yells.
"We have to wake her up," He stated, walking over to us.
"No!" I stopped him quickly. "You can't. When someone's having, what are they called, night terrors I think it is, your not meant to wake them up. It only makes it worse." I spoke quickly.
"So what? I,msupposed to just stand here while Bellas in all this pain when she could be awake? No!"
"I can calm her down. I've done it before. The first time after we went to a club, I calmed her down, it takes a while but I can do it again," I tried to speak confidently but it came out as more of a question.
"No, not if it takes a while, I'm waking her up." Before I could stop him Harry sat down next to Bella and shook her gently, cooing her name until she woke up. Her eyes flew open and she sat up, gasping for air, her eyes were almost back, instead of the nice brown they usually are. Her pupils darted in all directions, panicked and confused.
"Bella?" Harry asked, now sounding nervous. That's when it all went to hell.
Bella snapped her knees up to her chest and put her arms around her body, wildly shaking and her eyes still spilling tears. Her breathing was so fast I could barely keep up with it. She squeezed her eyes shut, muttering things and sobbing.
"Bella, Bella look at me." Harry spoke frantically. He looked at me for help. Should have listened to me. I shook my head at him in anger and turned back to Bella.
"Bella, can you hear me? Love look at me. Open your eyes. Just open your eyes Bella." She continued to shake and made no sign that she heard us.
"No.....no.....make it stop," she mumbled, crying even harder. That when I noticed her hands. She was slowing dragging her fingernails across her arms, and she was holding on so tight that she was creating scratches that were bleeding.
"Harry!" He looked at her hands and placed his hands over hers, trying to stop her.
"Bella stop! Your hurting yourself. Please baby open your eyes!" A tear slipped down his cheek.
"C'mon Bella please please stop," Harry begged, trying to move her hands, but somehow she kept her hands pressing into her. Harry looked at me, his eyes full of fear and panic.
"This is all your fault," I sneered at him. "I told you not to wake her up. I TOLD YOU IT WOULD ONLY MAKE IT WORSE BUT YOU DIDNT FUCKING LISTEN!!!!" I was shocked at how no one else was awake, with Bella,s screaming and the noise me and Harry were making.
"You think this is my fault?" Harry said, raising his voice slightly. "Have you not being listening to her? The dream was about Ky! She was remembering Ky!!! What do you think could have caused that? Can you think of anything Zayn?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm. I looked down guiltily, knowing he was right.
"It doesn't matter what she was dreaming about, I could have helped her." I mumbled.
"It doesn't matter? IT DOESN'T MATTER? Are you fucking kidding me? Zayn you slapped your girlfriend! I don't even understand how a Bella can stand to look at you!" His words were like a stab to my chest. Multiple stabs. My thoughts were cut off my Bella sobbing again.
"Make it stop! Please.....stop.....PLEASE!" She yelled. Harry rushed to her again.
"Bella please open your eyes, please look at me." He begged, his voice chocking before he continued.
"Your hurting yourself Bella baby stop it please. I love you please stop!" His words shocked me. Harry......loves her? I sighed.
"Harry move the fuck out of the way. Your not helping, let me try." He glared at me but moved out of the way a little. I quickly sat down next to Bella and gently placed my hands on top of hers, she just tightened her grip.
"Bella. It's not real." She whimpered a little, but stayed how she was. "It's not real. It was a dream. Your safe now. No ones going to hurt you." I felt the grip of her hands loosen a little and her eyes softened a bit, but remained closed.
"Bella," I whispered. "Your safe." Suddenly her eyes snapped open and her hands fell from her bleeding arms. Tears rushing down her cheeks, breathing quickly, she looked from me to Harry, looking confused and panicked. Then she broke into sobs, leaning into me. Immediately I put my arms around her protectively and hugged her tight as she buried her face into my chest, crying.
"Shhhh love its okay. It's not real, your safe, no ones going to hurt you," I whispered into her ear softly, rocking her back and forth gently in my arms. My focus shifted to Harry who was starting at Bella. The look on his face was broken, confused and shattered. The tears were now flowing down his cheeks freely now as he watched Bella sobbing in my arms. In my arms. Shit.
"I-I...." Harry stuttered. "I shouldn't have woken her," His voice was barely a whisper. I sighed sympathetically, still rocking Bella back and forth.
"Harry.." I trailed off, not knowing what to say. He shook his head, looking down.
"Bella," I cooed in her ear. "Bella Harry's here," She didnt respond in anyway. I flicked my head, motioning for Harry to come over. I slowly transferred Bella from my arms into Harry's, and he instantly wrapped his arms around her small fragile body, hugging her tightly to him as she continued to sob. She clutched onto his shirt, and, if possible, he pulled her closer to him.
"Harry," He looked at me. "I think I should go, but get me if you need anything, make sure she's okay," I whispered, looking sadly at Bella. He nodded, thanking me with his eyes. I stood up, leaving the room. I took one last look at them, she was so broken right now, but at least he was here. He loves her, so much, watching him cry as he tried to make her feel better, I can see that. I briefly made eye contact with him again before returning to my room.
All I could think about, was that this was my fault. First Perrie, now Bella. I managed to break to wonderful, beautiful people today, and I couldn't fix either of them.
I kept my arms firmly around Bella, rocking back and forth slightly while she cried into my chest. My top was soaked with her tears, but I don't care, this was my fault. Zayn told me not to wake her up, he told me it would make it worse. But I didnt listen. And now this happened.
"Shhh, your safe Bella, I'm not going to hurt you," I whispered thought my own tears. It killed me seeing her like this, so vulnerable, so broken. I sighed, hugging her a little tighter then before. I started to hum 'Moments' quietly. About half way through the second verse her sobs started becoming lighter. By the end of the song she had stopped sobbing all together, now she was just crying. I stoked her hair for a few minutes before finally speaking.
"I'm so sorry Bella. I love you so much. Your safe now, I'm never going to hurt you," I kissed her on the top of the head. Slowly, she brought her head up to look at me. Tears fell down my face at the sight. Her eyes were red and she had tear stains all on her cheeks, tears still falling as she looked at me. Her eyes held so much sadness and fear in them. I slowly lifted my hand and wiped away her tears with my thumb, but they were instantly replaced by more tears.
"I love you Bella. You know I'd never hurt you, right?" She hesitated, but nodded slowly, biting her lip to stifle a sob. The sight of her this weak was something I wasn't used to, and something I hoped I didn't have to get used to, it was so horrible. The tears continued to fall from her gorgeous brown eyes. I gently brought my lips to her cheek, kissing away the tears as the fell. Her skin was soft and smooth, when I brought my face away she was biting her lip and looking down, but no tears were falling. I used my index finger to lift her head back up, but she still wouldn't look me in the eyes.
"Love, please look at me," I asked quietly. She still didnt move. "Please," I begged, my voice betraying me and breaking. Hesitantly, she looked into my eyes.
"I-I......" Tears were starting to reform in her eyes and she stuttered, not knowing what to say.
"Hey hey it's okay baby, its okay." Her eyes softened a little bit as she took her hands and delicately held on to my much larger ones. She took a deep breath, and let it out, steadying her breathing as she traced circles on my hands. Bella looked back up at me, smiling a little, I could see how hard it was for her to smile right now.
"It wasn't real," I whispered to her. "He's not here, he can't hurt you. It's over, your safe." A gently placed a kiss on her forehead. She sighed, resting her head on mine.
"It felt so real," she shivered a little. I wrapped my arms around her again and laid down with her in my arms, putting the blankets over us. At least an hour had passed, and none of us had said anything or moved, but we were still awake. I felt Bella shaking a bit in my arms.
"Are you cold?" I asked. She nodded. I thought for a second, then sat up, taking my top off and throwing it to the side of the room. We were already covered in blankets, maybe body heat will help. I looked back at Bella who was blushing while looking at my bare chest. I smiled before returning to my positing, with her in my arms. I felt her sigh and lean into me more.
"Better?" I asked, sincerely. She nodded.
"Yeah, much better." With that, we both drifted off to sleep.
Thoughts? I have to leave the house so I can't leave much authors notes, so comment pleeeeeeeeease and lemme know all your thoughts. Love you xoxoxo