The tears began to to sting my eyes as I ran faster and faster to my house. When I finally reach the front door, I dig in my purse for my keys which was much more difficult than usual because my hands were shaking. I eventually get them out and quickly open the door. By this time I’m so exhausted (partially because of the running) I collapse on the floor as soon as I get inside.

I’m on my knees with my face all the way on the floor as I continue to sob uncontrollably. I’m pretty much curled up in a little ball. I do this for I don’t know how long. Five minutes maybe? I don’t know. I don’t really care. I have a plan. A plan that must be done quickly before I change my mind.

I stand to my feet and begin to walk around. I haven’t thought out my plan, but I know if I do too much I won’t do it. I have to do it. I just have to. As I walk around I finally allow myself to think about what I’ll need. A rope? We have to have a rope around here somewhere…no, no. That won’t work. I mean, it would; if I knew what I was doing.

Simple. It needs to be simple.

As I continue walking around in circles in a daze, my mind begins to wander. Not good. I’m second guessing. No. Stop. I need to stop. But I can’t. I can’t not do this. I can’t put up with this pain any longer. Think…what can I do…what can I do…

Suddenly, it hits me.

I begin to run up the first flight of stairs as quickly as possible without tripping. I get to the second floor and start up the next flight of stairs. I run faster and end up tripping, but I don’t let it slow me down too much. I have a plan now. A complete plan that will work. I’m not turning back now.

When I finally reach the top of the stairs, I open the door and walk out onto the rooftop terrace. I’ve stopped running and just stand there for a moment as I breathe heavily from all the running I’ve done. I take a deep breath as the cool wind blows my hair. I breathe in again and take in the beautiful smell of the outdoors.

I slowly walk closer to the seats by the wall. There are flowers on the edge. I begin to carefully take them off and set them on the floor. I then begin to sit on my knees. I lean on the edge and look up at the sky. The sky is filled with a few clouds and I begin to watch them slowly move across the beautiful blue sky.

I look down a bit when some birds chirping caught my attention. There are about five of them. I watch them fly about in all sorts of different directions. It makes no sense to me. They don’t seem to be going anywhere in particular. But it doesn’t matter. They’re free. Truly free. I want to be free. But I can’t. Not like this. Not with the life I have. I’m so jealous of them. The way they fly about so freely is so amazing and wonderful…why can’t I?

I slowly stand up on the seat. Then, I carefully stand on the edge. I’m a bit wobbly at first, but the edge is the perfect size for my feet so I quickly gain back my balance. Free. I want to be free. And I’m going to be. I’m determined to be. I can be free just like those bird. I close my eyes and take a deep and final breath.

Too bad I can’t fly like them.

*I just wanted to let you guys know that I do not think that suicide is a good option. It isn’t. It should never be an option. Ever. So just know, if you are depressed or suicidal, please; don’t take your own life. Talk to someone. One of your friends (including ones online), parents, relatives, teachers, or me. Your life is such a valuable thing, nothing you are going through or experiencing is worth taking that away. Please, never make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion*