Love Will Tell Us Where To Go

I have gone on planes several times in my life. Most people hate the whole process, and while I am no exception, I have grown accustomed to it. After years of it it just became apart of the mundane routine that was my life. Until Harry.

That plane ride with him was the most terrifying yet exhilarating experience. But now here I am, alone on a plane for the first time, not that having my mother there was ever much of a comfort. Of course I would try to use these small moments of time together to get closer to her, but it never worked.

I think the strangest thing is the feeling of going to see her. For so long all I wanted was to get away from her, and yet here I am, on a plane going to Australia, just for her. Okay, it’s for my stuff, but still. I can’t shake the feeling like I am headed to what will be a disaster.

On top of that, I had a connecting flight in California. Of course I called Harry then. The clear relief he had from knowing that I was alright was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to be back with him and in his arms. It took every bit of strength I had to not break down and tell him how much I’d rather get on a plane back to Minneapolis, not Australia.

Instead I put on a brave front. Once I was off the phone however, anyone that looked at me could have been able to tell that I was anything but brave. I found a place to eat and settled into a booth I knew I would stay at for a while.

The only thing worse than having a connecting flight is having to stay at the airport for nine hours waiting for the next one. It’s a little after nine in the morning and my next flight is at six at night. That means I’ll get to Sydney a little after eight in Minneapolis time and eleven in actual time.

I’ll end up (trying) to sleep for most of the flight, unlike the last one where I tried writing until giving that up and moving on to listening to a book, to watching a show, to staring out of the window dazed and with a growing head ache from the screaming kid two rows back. Even ear buds with music blazing had nothing on him.

After eating and looking at my laptop for a while I moved to Starbucks. After getting my drink I almost called Harry to get him to video chat with me. He had wanted to and I know he would agree in a heart beat, but I just didn’t think I could bare to see him and continue to go to my mother. Instead I messed around on Tumblr and watched YouTube videos. I also got some writing done on a book I have wanted to start for a while now.

Once it was time to board my next flight, I was beyond ready. I had somehow managed to be exhausted from doing nothing and greatly appreciated the quiet night time flight. With soft music playing in my ear I fell asleep and stayed that way for most of the flight.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I awoke with a grogginess no amount of caffeine could fix. Between almost losing my luggage and struggling to find the car my mother had sent for me I felt like I was in a foggy dream. It felt as if I were still on the plane and never really woke up.

The driver (because the only thing she likes more than having money is showing it off) took me to her home where I was not surprised to find a huge mansion like place. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized this is actually happening. I am here. I am about to see her for the first time since running away. This is my moment to tell her anything I want.

I feel anything but ready.

As I walked off I stopped to ask the driver if I should take my stuff. “I was told to stay here until you come back out. Then I am to take you to your hotel.” I nodded and thanked him before walking toward the house again. I only walked a few steps before stopping. “Are you alright?”

I nodded but I didn’t move. I sat down on the ground and stared at the house trying to figure out what it is that I need to do to feel prepared to go inside and face her. It took me five minutes to figure out that nothing would.

I rang the door bell and waited for what seemed like an eternity. As soon as she opened the door I had a gut feeling that I was making a horrible mistake coming here. I didn’t know what to expect her to act like, but she said in her normal voice, “Come in.”

It was strange walking into a house of hers that I hadn’t set up and had never seen until now. I couldn’t help but look around as she led me to the basement. “Who put all of the furniture and stuff in its place?” I couldn’t help but ask. “I paid someone.” Of course.

We passed her office and went into an exercise room type room. In the far corner was my stuff. “It’s all there.” I walked over to the massive pile of suitcases and bags and aimlessly rummaged through some of them. “It’s been a while since you had an exercise room.” I was being way too nice and formal with her and I couldn’t stand it. Even when she is no longer in control of me I can’t stand up to her.

Take that back, of course she still controls me. I’m here aren’t I?

“Alright. A deal is a deal. You came here in person, you get your money. I will have it unlocked and ready for you to have as soon as you leave. We will deal with custody papers and you can head back to wherever it is that you are staying.”

“Jason.” I said without thought. “What?” she replied. “Jason. You mean, you and Jason will deal with the custody papers.” She treats him like dirt and then can’t even say his name when referring to him. I don’t know if she understands that is what I meant, but she replied, “But before you go. I just have a little to say to you.” I swallowed the lump in my throat before replying, “I’m listening.”

Hope. The single best and worst thing we have in this world. It is what I began to feel. Hope for an apology. Hope for genuine regret and asking for my forgiveness for all of the horrible things she did and did not do that can not be undone and are too late to do. “Follow me.”

She took me to her office where even there, when I had my first clue of hopeless hope, I still clung to the small thread I was hanging onto. I sat down where her clients sit and she where she sits. I tried not shaking my leg from nervousness but failed.

“Megan…” she began. “Megan, Megan, Megan. Where did I go wrong?” I felt the air being knocked out of me. “I gave you such a great life, gave you so many wonderful opportunities that I would have killed for at your age. Yet how do you thank me for it?” She scoffed in disgust as she shook her head. “I am so disappointing in you. When you were young I thought you had so much potential, but then slowly as you grew up I realized that - “

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” I asked. She looked at me as if it was so horrible that I interrupted before replying, “Really Megan? Don’t interrupt, it is rude.”

I stood up as I said, “Why didn’t you tell me that you thought I had potential?”

“Would you please stop acting like a child long enough for me to tell you that you did not live up to your potential due to your immaturity that you just so happen to be displaying right now.” I ball my hands into fists.

“Back to what I was saying…” she gave me a death glare before continuing. “but you never lived up to what you might could have been because you were too focused on pitying yourself for only you know what reasons.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“I gave you everything you could ever need. You lived in immaculate houses, I gave you connections I could only dreamed of having at your age; do you even realize all of the hard work I had to do to get where I am today? No, of course you don’t. You’ve had everything you ever needed handed to you on a silver platter.”

I was left speechless. Here is a woman that lied not only to her daughter, but to the father of her child, and I am the one getting a lecture?

I grabbed two suitcases and began to walk away. I almost made it out of the door when she said, “You’re welcome, by the way.” and something in me snapped.

I dropped, or should I say, threw down the suitcases before walking back to her. The thud of the suitcases caused a loud sound that seemed to echo. She showed little reaction when I did this although she did seem a bit concerned with how close I was to her when I finally stopped.

“You listen to me, and you listen without saying a single word.” I told her in the loudest, clearest voice I am sure I have ever used when talking to her. “You are a liar. You are a hypocrite. You are the most narcissistic, uncaring person I have ever met.”

“It truly is amazing how much you think you know when you are still a mere child.”

“First of all, if you haven’t noticed, I’m not a child. Not that I would expect you to take notice considering how you were never around to watch it happen.”

“You have no room to judge someone who’s shoes you have not walked in.”

“I don’t need to have walked in your shoes or be older to know that what you did to my dad is something that is unforgivable. Do you even feel bad for what you did to him? For what you did to me? Not just about lying to him, but what you did to me my while entire life? Seriously, do you even feel a little bad? Or are you capable of feeling emotions?”

“I did what I did and I had reasons that you will never understand. You think you are so much better than me, but do you know where I would be today if I had done what you expected of me? No, of course you don’t. Not that you won’t find out soon enough. You may be making different mistakes than I would have, but they both lead to the same outcome. Just do not expect me to be around when you see that I was right.”

“You think I’m so ungrateful? Talk to yourself. Do you know how lucky you were to have a guy like dad? He stuck around when so many others would have ran away as fast as they could, and what do you do? Lie. How do you even live with yourself? Don’t even try to tell me that you don’t regret giving up a guy like him.”

She let out a laugh and shook her head slightly. “Naive child. Thinking that true love exists and that the only way to live is to be stuck to one person for your entire life. Being single does not mean that you are lonely.”

Then it hit me like a freight train. Just because my mother said that she was always out due to meetings and other work related things does not mean that she always was. I’m sure she was a few times, but who is to say that there were times when they weren’t work related? It definitely wouldn’t have been the first time she lied.

In disgust I walked away again and picked up the luggage I had dropped. I took them to the car and did the same until all of my stuff was gone. I had to come back for one more bag and when I did, she was standing there in the corner of the room, holding it.

I don’t hesitate for even a second before telling her, “Give me the bag.” I extended my hand but she moved it farther away. “Before you go, let me make myself perfectly clear: this is it. You leave, and you are gone for good. This is not a game, Megan. I do not have time for your childish fits and I am not willing to pretend that I think that any of this was not a waste of my time.”

“But despite that, I am willing to give you one more chance, now and right now only. You make me concerned, and I know that it is a risk, but you have shown great growth in asserting yourself and letting your thoughts be made known. I believe that if you are willing to try your best, you could be great not only for me, but the company. All you have to do is ask nicely, and I will let you not only live here, but will once again make sure you get all of the connections and resources that you need to succeed.”

I had to take a deep breath once I noticed that I had been holding it since she began speaking. The hole in my chest began to grow as I grasped for words that I knew would fall on deaf ears. I didn’t know how, but I had become weak in every way possible after all of this. But despite wanting to fall on the ground and cry, I used what felt like my last ounce of energy to say just a little more.

“You. Disgust. Me.” I said through clenched teeth. “All of my life all I wanted was to be closer to you. I tried, and tried, but it was never enough. You even had me thinking that maybe it was my fault…that maybe I just didn’t try hard enough, or maybe if I was a different person you would have treated me differently, but now I know. I know who you are. I know now that there was nothing I could have done, and even if there was, I am glad I didn’t do it. Even now, you want me to stay? You want me to be apart of your sick, twisted world? Don’t even act like you’re doing me a favor, because the only good thing you ever did for me was screwing up and letting me see the real you before I got sucked into believing your lies.”

She handed me the bag and I ripped it from her hands. “Fine.” she replied. “Be that way. You will learn soon enough.”

“I’ve already learned. And what I learned is that I hope I am never like you. So one day, when come to the realization that I was right and you are all alone, wishing that you had kept around the one person who was willing to be there, do not even think about calling me, because I will not answer. Goodbye, Charlotte.”

With that, I walked away from my mother for what I hoped would be the last time.

Notes