Love Will Tell Us Where To Go

I stormed down the seemingly endless driveway as my vision became blurred with tears. I clenched my jaw and my free hand. When I approached the car, the driver didn’t see me because he was leaning against the car with his back to me. I opened the door and threw the last bag in. That startled him and caused him to jump a little.

If I hadn’t been upset I would have apologized, but being polite was not on my priority list. Instead I silently got in the car and slammed it behind me. Tears were flowing steadily down my face but I didn’t wipe them or attempt to hide them.

“Are you alright, miss? If there’s anything I can do, “

“There isn’t anything you can do.” I snapped. “I mean…” I began to feel bad about my attitudeJust as quickly though I hated myself for being so nice. I have every right to feel angry and if I don’t want to hide it, I shouldn’t. “sorry.” I finished nicely anyway.

“No need to be.” he said with a sad smile. “I need the address to your hotel. Do you know it?” I took out the paper with the information he needed and handed it to him. “Thank you.” he told me. He looked over it a moment before saying, “I’ll have you there soon, I promise. It should only take about ten minutes.”

He was right. Ten minutes later I was in the parking lot of the hotel. He helped me take some of my bags out of the car and onto those cart things. I highly doubt he was supposed to do that, but I guess he felt bad for me. Even after I was rude to him.

“Thank you. So much.” I told him as he began to walk away and to his car. “No problem.” He smiled before beginning to walk away. Just as I was about to do the same, he stopped and looked back. “Take care of yourself, alright? It’s obvious you’re upset and I don’t know why, but…you’ll be okay. Sounds kind of stupid or simple or whatever, but…it gets better.”

“Thank you.”

He smiled more sincerely this time as he said, “I hope your day gets better.” And with that, he walked away. Well, I’ve never heard that one before.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It took a few trips up to my room and back to get all of my stuff. It would have taken longer had it not been for the woman at the front desk who helped me. I didn’t know if she was doing it because they do it all of the time, or if I looked that horrible. If I look half as bad as I feel I wouldn’t doubt it being out of pity.

As soon as I shut the door behind me I leaned against it and closed my eyes. I want to cry, but I feel like I couldn’t cry even if I tried. More than that though, I just want to scream. Or hit something. Preferably both. But I’m in a hotel room so if I did everyone would hear me and I’d get kicked out. Even if I could scream and throw things it wouldn’t solve anything. Nothing would be fixed. My mother would still be the way she is, what she did to me wouldn’t be reversed, and I’d still be as angry as I am now.

It is then that I realize how shook up I am. I opened my eyes to see my shaky hand that I raised to test just that. I lowered my hand back to my side and clenched both into fists. After closing my eyes again I began to take deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down.

It doesn’t work.

Instead I feel more frustrated which isn’t made better by the sound of of my phone. I know without a doubt before looking that it is Harry, so I don’t even bat an eyelash when I see his name on the phone. I should answer it. Any good girlfriend would. But I don’t.

He isn’t a child. He can deal with me not answering one phone call. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with his positive, optimistic attitude right now. He has my best interest in mind when doing this, but the mere thought of being cheered up as if I’m a child who actually believes those fairytale lies and bull makes me feel sick.

Then it hits me: I am alone. Completely, and totally alone. Not a single person knows exactly where I am or what I am doing right now.

I am more than fine with it.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I ended up having to turn my phone off after repeatedly getting texts and calls. I know I should feel bad, but I can’t get myself to feel even remotely sorry. Unless feeling sorry for not being sorry is considered a legitimate type of sorry.

All of my life I have been forced to be alone when I didn’t want to be, I have every right to be alone when I choose it.

I ordered room service before I took off all of my makeup and changed into pajamas. I found a movie to watch just in time for my dinner. I ate it and didn’t once feel a pang of guilt. I even ordered desert later.

A few shows later and it was past midnight. I’m groggy from jet lag but there is no way I’m going to bed right now. Since I’m staying here tomorrow night as well, I don’t have to worry about getting up early for a flight. That means I can stay up as long as I want to.

Before coming here I hated the thought of being by myself in a hotel for more than one night, now I couldn’t be more glad that Harry booked it. He didn’t want me to have to travel so much on a plane practically back to back.

I walked out onto the balcony where a small table and two chairs are. Being on the fifth floor means I’m pretty high up so the view is nice. The air is unusually warm and humid for it being February and so late at night, but it is Australia.

I began looking down at the concrete parking lot filled almost completely with vehicles. So many people, so many lives, so many stories. I wonder how many of them are asleep right now. There has to be at least one person other than me that is awake with heavy thoughts instead of eyelids. I wish I could talk to them.

One of the few empty parking spaces is directly below my window. I stare at that one spot until I laughed. After all of this time, I’m still amazed that I almost jumped. I mean, I really almost did. But something stopped me. What would stop me now? Harry, of course. More than that, the fact that this isn’t what I want anymore. I haven’t truly wanted it since that night. Okay, I wanted that again during the time Harry and I broke up, but it wasn’t because of him…not really. Not completely. It was just life in general.

Still, in that moment as I stared at the pavement below, I felt a longing to jump. Not because I want to die, but because I want to feel that moment of flight before hitting the ground. If only I could go unconscious and wake up later, fully unharmed.

I shook my head as I closed my eyes and tried rubbing away my ever growing headache. I sat down in the rather comfortable chair as I gazed at the sight around me. I wonder what she is doing right now.

I groaned as I rested my head on my folded arms on the table. Why do I care? She doesn’t care about me. I shouldn’t even think twice about her anymore. I probably won’t cross her mind ever again.

Without a conscious choice, I began to sob. I am so tired. The worst kind, too. The kind that can’t be fixed with sleep. My chest aches from the pain of my crying and the emptiness that has been there since our conversation.

It’s thoughts like those that kept me company as I went in and out of sleep. The longest I slept outside was about an hour. After that I went inside and did almost the same in bed for what seemed like the longest time. Waking up in tears from nightmares made it even harder than it already was to fall back asleep. Exhaustion did ware on me eventually and I slept for a few hours until I was woken up by the hotel phone.

I’m not sure if it had rang before I first woke up, but I didn’t respond the first time I heard it. I sighed heavily as I tried forcing myself to answer it. Sleepiness got the best of me, and I didn’t get to it in time. I didn’t think much of it and decided I would call Harry in five minutes. Because that’s all I need. Just five more minutes.

I didn’t even get five seconds. The phone rang again, almost seeming louder than the first time. I grabbed blindly for the phone just as I braced myself for a frantically worried Harry. I didn’t feel like having to explain myself so I would try to make it quick. As soon as I answered I was ready to explain, but before I could utter a sound, all I heard was my name being said through sobs.

It was hard to keep up with what Chloe was saying as she spoke through tears. My mind raced as I caught the most shocking words: Harry, accident, hospital, ICU. Words kept coming but I could barely comprehend any of them.

My head began to spin as I tried to collect my thoughts. My stomach churned and my head ached worse than ever. My mouth still hung open from when I had tried to speak first. Chloe began freaking out even more as she tried getting a response from me. I’m not sure why I said what I said next. I guess a part of me was still hung up on what I was planning on saying earlier, but an even a bigger part was focused on something I didn’t want to think about.

“I’m sorry.” I said through a strained voice. “I’m so sorry.”

Notes