Journals
I Can't
Dakota's POV
Dear Diary,
Beauty. What is it? If I'm correct, I am not it. I am not beautiful. Niall says I am. Then he says Harry likes me. He doesn't. No one does. He was just lying. Just like everyone. I can't believe I trusted them for a minute. I even went to Harry when I was crying. God, I was stupid. The very thought of me trusting someone is unbelievable. I knew I couldn't. I am not beautiful. In fact, it's insulting. Beautiful people are cruel and make fun of the ones who aren't like them. They get everything they want no matter what is in their way. I hate them. I hate everybody. All they do is create slashes along my arm.
-Dakota
Perfect. I knew Harry would go to the café since the son of a b*tch read my secrets. That's supposed to be my special relaxation place. He ruined it for me. All of them did. Good thing I have another place I like going. And it's not the cliché movies, park, or magical spot in the forest. Yes, every forest has a lake and waterfall or a beautiful clearing. My place might not surprise you. I like sitting on the roof of the tallest building looking above the city. Did I mention that I'm sitting on the edge? Everyday I came up here, I considered suicide. But I never had the guts.
I swing my legs above the traffic and people. Not many people look up so not many see me. If they do, they never do anything about it. I'm just a random girl sitting at the edge of a building considering suicide and writing in my journal. Totally normal. No reason to take action.
This place is my favorite place to think. There's not much noise up here to interfere with my thoughts. The most common is what would happen if I was never abused. Maybe then I wouldn't have been bullied. Maybe I would have real friends. I would've had a real first kiss. Not one forced on me by a random boy from school. Even they raped me. I wish someone would love me. Harry doesn't. He just feels sorry. Probably just a publicity stunt. The title: Harry Styles Saves Girl From Abuse. Every girl will fall in love him and I will continue being bullied.
Why would Niall even say Harry 'liked' me. I honestly have no idea what love feels like. The last time someone showed me loved was about twelve years ago. My parents started fighting when I was six. Back then, they did it away from me, but I still heard the noises. They just fed me, gave me clothes, and sent me to school. They even enrolled me in the after school program just so they can fight.
I look down and see a familiar car across. A large black car. It's difficult to tell the brand, but once I see his mess of curls, I know it's Harry. Dammit. He really did come. Maybe if I stay up here, I won't see him. I turn around and jump onto the roof. The workers in this building don't know I'm up here so I have a stash of stuff when I don't feel like leaving. I even have a mini cooler with drinks.
I walk over to the cooler and grab some Sprite before sitting in the corner. Alone. Just how I like it. Just how it's been for a long time and I don't plan on changing it. See, I don't do well with change. Here's how it's always been: Me: the bullied and ugly; Everyone else: the bully and beautiful. I'm never going to be perfect. No one's going to love me. I'm gonna grow up to be a poor worker girl with little education. God, my life sucks. I rest my head on the wall and close my eyes to rest.
******
Buzz Buzz
I wake up because I forgot to turn off my damn phone. I requested time off once I got here. Blaine said it was okay so I'm planning on staying the weekend here. I would stay eternity, but I need money. No matter what anyone says, you do need money to be happy. Would you be happy living on the streets with nothing to eat and only have your saliva to drink? No. You wouldn't.
I pick up my phone without a second thought or looking at the screen. "Hello?" I answer.
"Dakota?" The familiar Bradford accent responds.
"Hey Zayn," I say. "What's up?"
"Is Harry with you?" He asks.
"No, but I saw him earlier. He didn't see me," I tell him. Curious, I stand up and look over the ledge. There's just enough sunlight to see his car still down there. Huh. It's almost six. He should've left by now. "Why?"
"He's not home and it's been hours. I figured he found you. We couldn't," He explains. "Are you sure you don't know where he is?"
"Positive. Listen, I see his car so he must still be here. I'll go look for him. I'll call you if I find him," I say. "Bye." He says it back and hangs up. Ugh. Now I gotta go find the guy. I stand up and head for the door. From here, I have to take the stairs down two stories, take two rights down a hallway, and then take the elevator forty-seven flights down. Straight to the lobby by that point.
I exit the building and walk towards his car. Maybe he's hiding out in there. Though, he might not since there's no girls crowded around. Well, it's worth a shot. Since the windows are tinted, I have to look closely. My breath fogs the window slightly as I peer in. Let's see. An empty Starbucks cup, sports and teen magazines, candy wrappers, fedora, sunglasses, and Harry passed out in the back. I test the door to see it's locked. Great. I bang on the window hoping he'll hear. "Harry!" I yell when he stirs. I bang again. "Wake up!"
His eyes slowly open and he stretches. Once he looks at me, he quickly opens the door and pulls me in to give me a hug. Again, not much of a hugger. I hate human contact. "I've been looking for you." He says and pulls me inside.
"Totally. It so looks like you were looking for me while you're sleeping," I nod to play along. "But seriously. They guys were worried. They called saying you never came home. I was worried for a little bit." Wait. Did I just say that last part out loud? The smile on his face confirms my suspicions. Okay, yes. I was worried, but... Kay I got nothing. I can't care for Harry. I can't. Alright.
"You were worried?" He asks.
I scoff, "For a second. Then I saw your car and calmed down."
He shrugs, "Still good that you cared. So, where were you? I checked the whole city. I didn't see you anywhere."
I roll my eyes, "Really? I was actually close by." I point out the window to the building. "I was on top of that building. I saw you come here."
He groans, "That sucked. I looked around the whole city for nothing."
"Not for nothing. You got to get a glimpse of my favorite city," I tell him. "This place is like my home. I'd come here whenever I felt like it and no one would judge me. I wish it could be like that everyday." My eyes make their way to their hands to watch my thumbs play.
Being the cliché boy he is, he gently wraps his fingers around my chin so I can look up at his green eyes. "It can. If you just believe us, we could. We don't judge you. We love you. I love you. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Bruises and all. Your imperfections are what make me love you. Perfect is boring. The fact that you know more than the other girls makes me want you more."
Now that I get a good look at him, he kind of is cute. His caring green eyes, mop of messy curls, and the fact he came all this way to go to me, it's sweet. No one's ever did that for me. Now the speech. God. It's so cheesy. Most guys would've stopped when I wiped the makeup off. But Harry looks at me. And I mean really look at me. I think I–
No. I can't. I can't feel like that. No one loves me. They only fake. No one loves me. Why go through the pain? It's not worth it. I'm just gonna end up being hurt. Before he does anything else, I do what I always do. What I've doing since I was fifteen.
Run.
I'm sorry Harry. I just... Can't.
Dear Diary,
Beauty. What is it? If I'm correct, I am not it. I am not beautiful. Niall says I am. Then he says Harry likes me. He doesn't. No one does. He was just lying. Just like everyone. I can't believe I trusted them for a minute. I even went to Harry when I was crying. God, I was stupid. The very thought of me trusting someone is unbelievable. I knew I couldn't. I am not beautiful. In fact, it's insulting. Beautiful people are cruel and make fun of the ones who aren't like them. They get everything they want no matter what is in their way. I hate them. I hate everybody. All they do is create slashes along my arm.
-Dakota
Perfect. I knew Harry would go to the café since the son of a b*tch read my secrets. That's supposed to be my special relaxation place. He ruined it for me. All of them did. Good thing I have another place I like going. And it's not the cliché movies, park, or magical spot in the forest. Yes, every forest has a lake and waterfall or a beautiful clearing. My place might not surprise you. I like sitting on the roof of the tallest building looking above the city. Did I mention that I'm sitting on the edge? Everyday I came up here, I considered suicide. But I never had the guts.
I swing my legs above the traffic and people. Not many people look up so not many see me. If they do, they never do anything about it. I'm just a random girl sitting at the edge of a building considering suicide and writing in my journal. Totally normal. No reason to take action.
This place is my favorite place to think. There's not much noise up here to interfere with my thoughts. The most common is what would happen if I was never abused. Maybe then I wouldn't have been bullied. Maybe I would have real friends. I would've had a real first kiss. Not one forced on me by a random boy from school. Even they raped me. I wish someone would love me. Harry doesn't. He just feels sorry. Probably just a publicity stunt. The title: Harry Styles Saves Girl From Abuse. Every girl will fall in love him and I will continue being bullied.
Why would Niall even say Harry 'liked' me. I honestly have no idea what love feels like. The last time someone showed me loved was about twelve years ago. My parents started fighting when I was six. Back then, they did it away from me, but I still heard the noises. They just fed me, gave me clothes, and sent me to school. They even enrolled me in the after school program just so they can fight.
I look down and see a familiar car across. A large black car. It's difficult to tell the brand, but once I see his mess of curls, I know it's Harry. Dammit. He really did come. Maybe if I stay up here, I won't see him. I turn around and jump onto the roof. The workers in this building don't know I'm up here so I have a stash of stuff when I don't feel like leaving. I even have a mini cooler with drinks.
I walk over to the cooler and grab some Sprite before sitting in the corner. Alone. Just how I like it. Just how it's been for a long time and I don't plan on changing it. See, I don't do well with change. Here's how it's always been: Me: the bullied and ugly; Everyone else: the bully and beautiful. I'm never going to be perfect. No one's going to love me. I'm gonna grow up to be a poor worker girl with little education. God, my life sucks. I rest my head on the wall and close my eyes to rest.
******
Buzz Buzz
I wake up because I forgot to turn off my damn phone. I requested time off once I got here. Blaine said it was okay so I'm planning on staying the weekend here. I would stay eternity, but I need money. No matter what anyone says, you do need money to be happy. Would you be happy living on the streets with nothing to eat and only have your saliva to drink? No. You wouldn't.
I pick up my phone without a second thought or looking at the screen. "Hello?" I answer.
"Dakota?" The familiar Bradford accent responds.
"Hey Zayn," I say. "What's up?"
"Is Harry with you?" He asks.
"No, but I saw him earlier. He didn't see me," I tell him. Curious, I stand up and look over the ledge. There's just enough sunlight to see his car still down there. Huh. It's almost six. He should've left by now. "Why?"
"He's not home and it's been hours. I figured he found you. We couldn't," He explains. "Are you sure you don't know where he is?"
"Positive. Listen, I see his car so he must still be here. I'll go look for him. I'll call you if I find him," I say. "Bye." He says it back and hangs up. Ugh. Now I gotta go find the guy. I stand up and head for the door. From here, I have to take the stairs down two stories, take two rights down a hallway, and then take the elevator forty-seven flights down. Straight to the lobby by that point.
I exit the building and walk towards his car. Maybe he's hiding out in there. Though, he might not since there's no girls crowded around. Well, it's worth a shot. Since the windows are tinted, I have to look closely. My breath fogs the window slightly as I peer in. Let's see. An empty Starbucks cup, sports and teen magazines, candy wrappers, fedora, sunglasses, and Harry passed out in the back. I test the door to see it's locked. Great. I bang on the window hoping he'll hear. "Harry!" I yell when he stirs. I bang again. "Wake up!"
His eyes slowly open and he stretches. Once he looks at me, he quickly opens the door and pulls me in to give me a hug. Again, not much of a hugger. I hate human contact. "I've been looking for you." He says and pulls me inside.
"Totally. It so looks like you were looking for me while you're sleeping," I nod to play along. "But seriously. They guys were worried. They called saying you never came home. I was worried for a little bit." Wait. Did I just say that last part out loud? The smile on his face confirms my suspicions. Okay, yes. I was worried, but... Kay I got nothing. I can't care for Harry. I can't. Alright.
"You were worried?" He asks.
I scoff, "For a second. Then I saw your car and calmed down."
He shrugs, "Still good that you cared. So, where were you? I checked the whole city. I didn't see you anywhere."
I roll my eyes, "Really? I was actually close by." I point out the window to the building. "I was on top of that building. I saw you come here."
He groans, "That sucked. I looked around the whole city for nothing."
"Not for nothing. You got to get a glimpse of my favorite city," I tell him. "This place is like my home. I'd come here whenever I felt like it and no one would judge me. I wish it could be like that everyday." My eyes make their way to their hands to watch my thumbs play.
Being the cliché boy he is, he gently wraps his fingers around my chin so I can look up at his green eyes. "It can. If you just believe us, we could. We don't judge you. We love you. I love you. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Bruises and all. Your imperfections are what make me love you. Perfect is boring. The fact that you know more than the other girls makes me want you more."
Now that I get a good look at him, he kind of is cute. His caring green eyes, mop of messy curls, and the fact he came all this way to go to me, it's sweet. No one's ever did that for me. Now the speech. God. It's so cheesy. Most guys would've stopped when I wiped the makeup off. But Harry looks at me. And I mean really look at me. I think I–
No. I can't. I can't feel like that. No one loves me. They only fake. No one loves me. Why go through the pain? It's not worth it. I'm just gonna end up being hurt. Before he does anything else, I do what I always do. What I've doing since I was fifteen.
Run.
I'm sorry Harry. I just... Can't.
Ah the day after my birthday! Yay! And I probably would read 'A Broken Princess' !!!!!
12/31/13