Safe Haven
Can You Read My Mind?
*Autumn’s POV*
I was extremely happy to see that Niall and Harry were finally getting along. Over the next few weeks, we all spent a lot of time together. Most of my time not spent in class or working on projects was spent with the boys and Kelsey. The only problem I had with that was I wasn't getting enough alone time with Niall. I was beginning to feel more like we were friends with benefits than two people dating because we hardly have time to ourselves. And there weren't even that many 'benefits' because whenever things would get heated we would stop. It was a little frustrating, but that's besides the point.
We have lots of fun together in class and hanging out as a group; but whenever there’s a chance to be alone I value that time. It shocks me every time how he can go from being a sweet, goofy, and innocent to being sexy, passionate, and serious whenever we’re alone. When we’re alone, he shows me a completely different side of himself. He’s opened up to me about his true passions outside of school, and how much he cares for his family back home. By showing me he can be sensitive and vulnerable, I feel like it’s easier for me to trust him.
From an early age I experienced difficulty allowing myself to be vulnerable and willing to trust people. When I was much younger, I was very gullible and often oblivious to social cues. I was always so willing to believe anything anyone told me, and I was easy to convince. Because of this, I was bullied and repeatedly made fun of because I seemed like such an airhead. It eventually got to the point where I decided to stop believing anything people told me. I became very skeptical, questioning everything I was told. As you can imagine, this caused a lot of trouble with my teachers and parents since I wouldn’t follow directions or complete assignments. Things only got worse once my dad became more and more famous as a movie director. My classmates and even their parents would just pretend to like me to get through to my dad. I quickly developed major trust issues, so it was difficult to make friends. And if I hadn’t already had Savannah in my life before all of that, I would probably never had a single true friend throughout my childhood.
Ever since then, I chose to believe that the only person I can truly rely on is myself. Back in Florida it was getting to the point where the only people I’d talk to or hang out with were Savannah and my mom. I was always self-conscious and overthinking things and hated being the center of attention in fear of people judging me. I was even hiding my thoughts and feelings from the people who had only ever shown me love and understanding. It’s part of the reason why I came to New York in the first place. I needed to get away from the toxic environment I had created for myself and it was time for a change. I hoped that by moving away I could get out of my comfort zone and transform myself into who I really wanted to be.
The fact that Niall could be open with me and truly be himself around me reminded me what I came to New York for. I came here to be the person I’ve always dreamed I could be: a more confident, happy, and open person.
The more time that went by, and the more time we spent together, the more comfortable I felt with the idea of just being myself. Unlike my friendship with Harry and Kelsey, it’s taken some time to just learn how to be myself around him. But that’s only because our relationship is something completely different. When I’m just hanging around the other two, I don’t have to wonder if they’ll stop being my friend because I’m not wearing the right outfit or I tell a crappy joke. I desire a romantic relationship with Niall, which requires me to be vulnerable in a different way. I am in constant fear of rejection, always wondering silly things, like if he thinks I look pretty or if he would prefer a girl who’s more easygoing and only wants to hook up. Then I wonder how long our relationship would even last, and if I would want to risk getting my heart broken.
Slowly but surely, those types of negative thoughts began to fade away. I sensed that our feelings were becoming stronger, and as the weeks went by I knew we’d have to have a serious talk about where our relationship was headed. ‘Fun’ and ‘spontaneous’ Autumn was slowly turning into the girl who wanted a real relationship, whatever that was. The time we had been spending hanging out as a group was becoming time for just the two of us. Study sessions always turned in to make out sessions; and any time not spent together was spent texting, calling, or FaceTiming each other. It seemed a bit obvious to me, but I needed to clarify if we were exclusively dating or not. The more time we spent together, the harder it was for me when we were apart. I needed to know for sure before I got too attached and too invested into a relationship that was going nowhere.
It was already nearing the end of October, and we still hadn’t defined our relationship. I know Niall said he's not a big fan of labels, and it seemed to be easy to just go with the flow in the beginning, but I can’t bear not knowing for much longer. I finally decided that I was going to ask him about it the next time we would be together.
We had a date planned to attend an open mic night at a local bar on Friday night, so I figured that would be a good time to bring it up. But the closer it got to our date, the more nervous I felt about asking him. I didn’t think I would be prepared to handle the rejection alone, so – just in case – I convinced Harry and Kelsey to come for moral support; and of course Niall didn't mind since everyone gets along well. They had been asking me questions about our relationship for a while now too, so I’m sure they were almost as eager as me to figure out what Niall’s answer would be.
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We arrived at the bar late Friday night, all of us excited to get away from campus. It was nearing the time for midterm exams, so we had all been exhausted from studying. The place was jam packed with people ranging from young adults like us to middle aged adults. The speakers were loud, and most of the people were already drunk when we got there. We were lucky enough to find an open table near the stage and away from the loud drunks. I had rehearsed how I wanted my conversation with Niall to go a million times in my head, but I could feel my anxiety rising. I don’t know if it was because of all the lights and people, or if it was just my nerves getting the best of me, but I was beginning to rethink the whole thing. Harry could tell I was acting strange and confronted me when Niall went to go use the restroom.
“Okay, what is going on with you? Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts already,” he said.
“Harry, what if he rejects me? What if I scare him off because I want to take things more seriously? I’ve never done this before…I don’t even know if he wants a girlfriend!” I said.
“Listen, sugar. That boy is probably head over heels in love with you already! You guys spend every spare moment together! And even my ex-boyfriend of three years didn’t text me as much as he texts you. Don’t be a scaredy-cat, just go for it!” Kelsey persuaded.
“Exactly. He’d be a fool to reject you, and I bet you he’s just as nervous to talk to you about it. Or he’s just oblivious as most guys are. Either way, we’ll be here for you.” Harry grasped my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze to reassure me that everything would be okay. “When he comes back from the loo we’ll pretend to go order some food to give you guys some time to talk.”
I saw Niall approaching the table, so I nodded my head and motioned for them to go. I took a deep breath and tried to appear as relaxed and normal as possible. If I didn’t say anything now, I knew I never would. You can do this, Autumn. It’s no big deal….
“Hey, sorry I took so long,” Niall said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. “Where’d the other two go? I think the performances will be starting soon.”
“Uh, I think they went to get some food for us.” I replied, avoiding eye contact.
“Great, cause I’m starving.”
“You always are!” I joked. After a moment of awkward silence, I decided to just get it over with and ask the question. “Niall, can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything, princess,” he replied cheerily.
“So, we’ve been spending a lot of time together right? And I know you’ve said before how you don’t like to put labels on things – but I was wondering, what are we doing with each other? Like would you tell people we’re dating exclusively or are we just friends? I really like you and I would be willing to take things more seriously if you are, but if that’s not what you want, I’d like to know sooner rather than later.” It wasn’t exactly how I wanted to ask him, but I’d still hopefully get the answer I wanted.
The question must have taken him by surprise, because it felt like hours were passing by as I stared at him, waiting for a response. I could see the color drain from his face, and his knuckles turning white. He kept opening and closing his mouth as if he was going to say something but didn’t. I’m not taking that as a good sign. I just wish I could read his mind in this moment.
“Um…I…I enjoy spending time with you, I really do. And I’d like to say we’re dating, I have thought about it before….” He started. He’s thought about us as a couple – that means there’s hope. My heart fluttered, and I looked at him with hope in my eyes.
“But to be honest with you,” he continued. “I’m not one hundred percent sure at the moment. I would need to take more time to think about it, because I care for you and I don’t want to give an impulsive answer. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I hope you can understand.”
Ouch. As soon as I heard the ‘but’ I could feel my heart sinking into my chest with disappointment. It wasn’t exactly a rejection, but I think this might actually be worse. I still didn’t know for sure where this relationship was going – or if we even had one for that matter. I felt embarrassed and so stupid for asking him to put a ‘label’ on us. These feelings reminded me of the things I hated the most throughout my childhood, and I could feel myself shutting off – becoming numb to avoid the pain. I should have just kept my mouth shut and enjoyed our time for as long as it would last.
I wanted to just leave – just run away to my safe haven where I could be alone and forget about the world. But Niall gazed at me with those bright blue eyes, piercing into my soul as they always do. Something inside my mind told me to just stay calm – that everything would be okay, and this wasn’t the end of the world. I knew he was waiting patiently for me to answer, and I saw Harry and Kelsey coming back to the table, so I did my best to hide what I was feeling and play it off like nothing happened.
“Oh. Yeah! Of course, you should take your time and think about it. I don’t want you to feel pressured to answer right away. Maybe we can just talk about it next week, once finals are over,” I suggested, and he agreed that would be enough time. Every fiber of my being wanted to just scream at him and demand an answer, but I knew I needed to be rational if I really wanted things to work. I tried to keep my friends’ positive comments in mind to avoid freaking out even though I knew I’d be on edge all week.
After the conversation ended and the other two came back to the table, I subtly shook my head to them as a sign things didn’t go well. Kelsey texted me under the table offering to fake an illness so that I could leave early, but I knew it would seem too obvious. For the rest of the night I felt like I was on autopilot. I pretended to be fine and engage in conversation here and there, but inside I was feeling worried and disappointed. Niall seemed to be a bit distracted at first, but he seemed to be much better at hiding his thoughts than I was. Either that or he hadn’t taken the conversation as seriously as I had. The night seemed to drag on forever, and I was relieved once we got back home.
I knew that for the next week I would be waiting and wondering what his answer would be.
