P.S.

It had been two weeks since Harry’s surprise call to Olivia, and it was still all she could think about. Despite her asking him not to call her again, a part of her wished he would. He wouldn’t – he was far too respectful to go against her wishes – but hearing his voice again was the only thing on her mind.

It was a particularly stormy day in April and Olivia felt as gloomy as the sky outside. Sporadically getting calls to work reminded Olivia how much she hatred subbing. The kids were harder to handle, the routine was non-existent and eating lunch in the staff room made Olivia feel like the new kid in town every day. She was far from happy with her career and her relationship was getting more strangled by the day, but she didn’t know how to feel satisfied again.

Well, she had one idea, but it wasn’t a feasible one.

She pushed open the front door and dropped her purse on the table. Further into the house, she saw the kitchen sink, piled full of dirty dishes. She let out an exasperated sigh. Olivia always made sure to have the house and dinner in order when Ben was working and she wasn’t. It was only fair. But he rarely showed her the same courtesy. But, of course, Olivia never voiced her displeasure either. As far as Ben knew, she didn’t care about dirty dishes. But she did. There was nothing more frustrating than coming home after a bad day to a dirty house.

She sighed again as she kicked her shoes off, ensuring her exhale was loud enough for Ben to hear from the next room. However, it was all she would do. Getting angry at Ben for not doing the dishes wouldn’t accomplish anything. He wouldn’t fight back and she would still be the one to do the dishes. It was easier to simply sidestep the issue.

“Ben, you home?” she called out instead. She heard the television in the living room, and when Ben didn’t answer, Olivia peered through the doorway. “What are you –”

Ben sat on the couch, not meeting Olivia’s eyes as she looked at him. Her breath caught in her throat and a heavy weight fell into her stomach as she saw her ‘Mr and Mrs’ notebook in his hands. He kept his eyes on her secret writings, silently reading the words. Olivia struggled to find something to say to him, but nothing would come close to being the right words.

“Dear Harry,” Ben recited from the book, his voice tight. “Today is Valentine’s Day. Ben’s working tonight. I know I should be disappointed, but it wouldn’t be right when I can’t get you off my mind…” He let the words hang in the air, keeping his head down.

“Ben, I…” Olivia began. She didn’t know what to tell him, but she had to say something.

Ben looked up, his eyes dark with anger. “All this time I thought you were writing your vows in here…” he said shortly, flipping through the pages before he continued reading her letters to Harry. “How am I supposed to do this? I can’t marry someone who’s not you.” Ben tossed the notebook to the floor as he stood up. “So why the hell are you then?”

“I…” Olivia croaked out, mentally kicking herself for being unable to give Ben the words and explanation he deserved. “You weren’t supposed to read those,” she said instead, cringing. Those were not the words she should say to Ben.

“You weren’t supposed to write those!” Ben exploded, kicking the notebook across the floor. Olivia hadn’t ever seen Ben react in such a way and, for a moment, it was terrifying. “And in our fucking wedding notebook? You wanted me to find this!”

“No, I didn’t!” Olivia exclaimed. “They’re just thoughts, just… I had stuff on my mind, so I wrote it down! It’s not… it means nothing!” she lied. Her written words were the only truth she’d said in a long time.

Ben scoffed. “Really?” he asked her. “So when you were on the phone with him the other night, and telling him about planning our ‘stupid’ wedding and how you missed him like crazy, those were just thoughts and meant nothing either?”

Olivia paled. Now Ben abandoning his dinner and abruptly leaving their house made sense. He’d heard her on the phone with Harry. She felt sick. She always knew her feelings and actions were wrong, but she tried so hard to respect her relationship. Olivia wanted to be with Harry more than anything but she never wanted to hurt Ben.

“Didn’t think I heard, did you?” Ben asked, letting out a bitter chuckle. “I always knew this would happen. You’ve never got over him. It was only just a matter of time before you fucked around on me.”

His tone sounded angry, but there was a hint of sadness in his words. “I’ve never fucked around on you…” Olivia told Ben, deciding not to mention her kiss with Harry. Ben deserved to know the whole truth, but not yet. Maybe never.

Ben gestured angrily to the notebook. “That’s fucking around on me, Liv!” he shouted. The only time she’d ever heard his voice this loud was when his hockey team lost. “You’re holding onto feelings and shit for an ex, you’re writing about him and talking to him on the phone. I don’t care if you’ve fucked him or not, you’re still fucking around!”

Olivia leaned against the doorjamb, her legs weak. This wasn’t how anything was supposed to go. Ben wasn’t supposed to feel cheated on, and Olivia wasn’t supposed to feel like a cheater. It should have relieved her that her dirty little secret was now in the open, but she couldn’t feel any relief when Ben was so angry.

“How long has this been going on for?” Ben asked. “Wait, let me guess… we’ve been together about three years, so… three years?” He scoffed humourlessly and shook his head.

“No!” Olivia exclaimed, a lump growing in her throat. It sickened her that Ben thought she’d been clandestinely carrying on with Harry for the entirety of their relationship. She let out a loud sigh. “I saw him at Christmas, and I…” She sighed again. “Nothing’s even been going on! When he called me, that was the first and only time I’ve spoken to him since Christmas! Ben, I promise…” Olivia tried, taking a tentative step towards him. “This isn’t something that’s been going on!” she lied again. Of course Harry had always been on her mind. She had looked back on the memories with fondness, though, not heartache. That is, until she saw him.

“But your feelings for him haven’t ever gone away, have they?”

Olivia shrugged slowly. “Do they ever?” she mused quietly. She met Ben’s eyes and a wave of guilt washed over her. “I mean… when it’s your first real, real love, I don’t think that ever goes away…”

“I was in love before you too, you know,” Ben pointed out. “And I’m not sitting here, writing letters to her or talking on the phone…” He shook his head. “Why’d you even say yes to me, when you’re still in love with him?” Ben slumped back onto the couch, looking defeated as he hung his head and looked at his hands.

Olivia’s heart was breaking. Ben wasn’t the man she wanted to marry, that much she was sure about, but seeing him hurting killed her. She sat on the arm of the couch next to him and hesitantly touched his shoulder. “Because I love you?” she told him, her voice rising as though she was questioning her statement.

Ben replied with a quiet scoff and looked up at Olivia. “But you love him more, don’t you?”

This was it. The moment of truth. Olivia couldn’t keep lying to Ben. She hung her head, feeling tears prick at the corner of her eyes. Silently, she answered his question with a slow nod of her head. She forced herself to look into his eyes and his sadness almost caused her to burst into tears. “I’m sorry…” she choked out. It was a pathetic statement, but it was all she had.

“Fuck…” Ben sighed out, rubbing his hand against his face. Olivia could tell he was trying not to break down. He stood up and shrugged defeatedly at her. “So that’s it then, eh? Everything we’ve built together, everything we have planned for our future… You’re just going to throw it all away for some guy you dated for five minutes a hundred years ago?”

Olivia pressed her lips together as she looked down at her hands. “I never meant to hurt you, Ben…” she told him softly. She didn’t think he would believe her. “And I never wanted my feelings for Harry to stick with me like they have. But…” she trailed off, shaking her head. “I don’t know what to say…” she whispered, wishing she could find some words to make Ben’s hurt disappear.

Ben shrugged again. “Well…” he began. “You could say something about how we can work on it, how you still want to marry me but… You’re past that, aren’t you? You don’t want to marry me.”

“How could you want to marry me now?” Olivia countered quietly.

“Don’t turn this around,” Ben snapped. “I’ve always wanted to marry you… Since our first date, I thought I was going to spend my life with you. And I thought I was your number one, the way that you’re mine. But now it all makes sense, really… How you never wanted to do any wedding planning, never even wanted to set a date. I had to fucking harass you about planning what should have been the best day of our lives. I should have known…” he said with a shake of his head.

Olivia was quiet. Ben was right in everything he was saying. She couldn’t argue with him when he was speaking the truth.

“So, what am I supposed to do?” Ben wondered, pacing back and forth across the living room floor. “Kill him? Kick the shit out of him?” He shook his head with a slight chuckle. “Or… leave this. Leave you…” He met Olivia’s eyes, shrugging again. “But… I don’t want to leave you. Even with all this, your feelings and whatever happened in New York. I know something happened,” he added before Olivia could interject. “I don’t want to know what, but I know…” He let out a loud sigh. “But even with all that shit, I still love you…”

“I know…” Olivia whispered, hearing her voice crack. “I love you too. I really do, Ben, I do! It’s just… he’s…” Olivia trailed off, struggling to respect Ben’s feelings while trying to convey her own feelings. “… the one…” she told him, her words almost silent.

Ben shook his head. “I should have just come to New York with you,” he told Olivia. “I shouldn’t have been working so much and I should have just come with you and spent Christmas with my fiancée like a decent man would do. Then all this shit wouldn’t be happening!”

Olivia stood up, crossing the room to stand beside Ben. She touched his arm gently. “Maybe it wouldn’t have happened right away…” she told Ben softly. “But… I think it would have happened eventually. He’s got a hold on me that I don’t think I could ever explain. I don’t even get it half the time,” she added with a quiet scoff. “But I… I don’t want you to think that I was ever lying to you about my feelings or our future together or anything like that. Ben,” she urged, touching his cheek as she tried to get him to look at her. “I promise…”

Ben held Olivia’s gaze for a moment or two before stepping away from her and striding to the other side of the room. “I want to believe you,” he answered. “And fuck, I don’t know… maybe I do. Or maybe it’s just easier to believe that everything that’s happened in the last three years hasn’t been a lie.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to try to convince you to want to be with me. I can’t do that,” he said with a shrug. Olivia vaguely recalled Harry saying something similar to her.

Olivia dropped her head. “I’m so sorry, Ben,” she told him, sniffling as the tears began to fall. She didn’t want to be the one crying – she didn’t have the right to – but she couldn’t hold them back any longer. “I never, ever wanted to hurt you. I hope you know that, I really do.”

Ben shrugged. “I don’t know that,” he admitted. “I mean, I know you’re not a heartless bitch but… it’s kind of hard to put a positive spin on this shitty situation, you know?”

Olivia nodded slowly. “I get it…” she answered. “I wouldn’t be able to be very positive to me, either…” Her words hung in the air, neither she nor Ben knowing what to say next. Finally, Olivia spoke up. “What do we do now?” she whispered.

Ben pressed his lips together. “I think…” He let out a shaky sigh. “I guess… I’ll go to go to Mike’s for a few days… Give you some time to…” Ben trailed off as he swallowed hard. “… get your stuff together and… go to him, I guess…”

Olivia’s stomach fluttered at the idea of being with Harry again, but she forced that thought out of her mind. For all she knew, Harry moved on. But then she remembered their last conversation, and she knew he hadn’t. But, she had to take it one step at a time.

“Okay…” Olivia breathed out. This was it. They were over. As guilty as the thought made her feel, she felt a sense of liberation. She would always care for Ben and hated hurting him, but she couldn’t picture sharing the rest of her life with anyone but Harry. It wouldn’t have been fair to Ben for her to marry him, and she hoped he would understand that someday. “I’ll, uhm… I’ll head out for a drive or coffee or something and give you a little bit of time,” she told Ben. She suddenly felt suffocated in the house that wasn’t hers anymore and needed to get out.

Ben didn’t answer as Olivia stepped into the kitchen and found her sweater and her purse. He was trying not to cry, Olivia could tell. She didn’t want to break him, but she couldn’t leave without apologising one final time.

“I really am sorry, Ben…” Olivia told him. “For everything.”

Ben nodded. “I know you are,” he answered. Olivia wasn’t sure if he did know, but she appreciated his attempt to assure her. He followed Olivia and opened the door for her. She couldn’t tell if it was a gentlemanly move or an attempt to have her leave quicker. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

Olivia stepped into the damp evening air. “You too…” she told Ben, offering him a sad smile as she stepped off the deck. The door shut behind her and the click of the lock finalised the end of their relationship more than any words could.

~*~*~*~

“Is that everything?”

Olivia stood in the middle of the living room, her arms crossed tight around her body. She glanced around the half-empty room, feeling a wave of sadness wash over her. “I don’t know,” she admitted. Moving day was proving to be more of a struggle than Olivia imagined it would be. She tried to rein in her emotions and keep her tears at bay, but she had more than a couple breakdowns in the past few days.

The end of her relationship was inevitable and, in a lot of ways, a relief, but the pain she caused Ben was devastating. She tried not to think about his heartbreak as she packed, but of course, she was reminded of him in every corner of the home they once shared.

“I’ll do another walk through with her,” Jessica told her husband. “Why don’t you guys go on ahead? It’s going to take you longer to drive with that trailer on. I’ll text you when we’re on our way.”

Ray shrugged. “Sure,” he agreed, pressing a quick kiss on Jessica cheek. “See you soon.”

“Thanks for everything, Ray,” Olivia remembered to tell her brother-in-law. She appreciated his and her nephew’s help with moving her out of her and Ben’s home. Her sister’s family had dropped everything to get to the coast as quickly as they could and while Olivia was certain she had moments during the day that made it seem as though she was not appreciative, she hoped they knew she was.

“Oh, anything for you, Liv!” Ray teased, offering her a wave before slamming the door behind him.

Jessica turned to Olivia, smiling sympathetically. “Should we start in the kitchen and work our way this way before going upstairs?”

Olivia shrugged. “In a minute,” she answered, sitting on the floor and toying with her phone. She cleared her throat, pausing for a few beats before looking up at her sister. “I know this is what I want… but why does it feel so bad?” she wondered, resting her chin in her hands.

Jessica sat next to Olivia and patted her knee reassuringly. “Because you’re a good person with a big heart,” she reminded her little sister. “Of course you’re going to feel sadness! You were with Ben for a long time and you loved him. But you have to do what’s best for you, remember?”

Olivia nodded. “I know…” she answered with a sigh. “I know Harry’s my person, I just… I feel so terrible for how Ben found out. I never wanted him to find out all my secrets by reading this stupid notebook. I shouldn’t have done that…” She sighed again, shaking her head. “Or at least I fucking should have hid those letters better. In the wedding book? What a fucknut I am…”

Jessica chuckled softly. “No, you’re not,” she assured Olivia. “Well… maybe a little bit,” she teased, nudging Olivia’s arm. “But it’s all going to be okay. Ben’s going to be fine, he will. And you get to be with the one who’s… the one! That’s an exciting new chapter!” She rubbed Olivia’s arm. “You never told me what Harry said when you told him! Was he ecstatic?!”

Olivia shifted uncomfortably. “Well, I…. uhm… haven’t really told him yet,” she admitted, chewing on her lower lip.

Jessica’s mouth dropped open. “What!” she exclaimed. “I thought you’d be calling him the second you could! It’s been three whole days,” she reminded Olivia, chuckling at her words but intending to be serious. “I mean, normally I wouldn’t condone such a fast rebound, but… it’s Harry! What are you waiting for?!”

Olivia shrugged. “I don’t know!” she sighed out. It made no sense to her either. “I don’t know what to say! What if he doesn’t actually want to be with me? What if he thinks it’s too quick after Ben, or…” Olivia paused, pursing her lips. She could hear how silly she sounded. Harry wouldn’t think anything like that. “I’m just scared… or anxious… or…” She covered her face with her hands. “What is wrong with me?” she wondered, her voice muffled by her hands.

Jessica laughed. “Nothing is wrong with you,” she promised. “You’re fresh off a break up, you’re about to open your heart up to someone broke it. And, I mean, I think you broke Harry’s heart pretty bad too, so you’re scared he’s going to be all ‘once bitten, twice shy’. He won’t be though!” she quickly added, clearly noticing the horrified look on Olivia’s face.

Olivia covered her face with her hands. “Shut up!” she mumbled. “That’s what I’m afraid of!” She exhaled loudly before straightening up and facing her sister. “What if he’s like, yeah but I’ve still got the fans and the paparazzi and the career you hated. They’re not going away, so how long this time until you run away scared?”

“Well… what if he does?” asked Jessica. “I doubt he will, but if he does? What do you feel about that whole lifestyle? You hated it before… What would you say?”

Olivia nodded. “I did,” she agreed. “But I… I don’t care about that shit anymore! I love him, and I want to be with him, and I’m not about to let a bunch of jealous little twats wreck that for me again!”

Jessica smiled, patting Olivia’s knee. “Then that’s what you’ll tell him,” she advised Olivia. “Tell him all of that, and he’ll believe you because it’s the truth. I mean, if you have to take a couple of days or weeks… no, not weeks…” she interrupted herself with a laugh. “But… take a day or two, get yourself settled at Mom and Dad’s and then give him a call.”

“Okay…” Olivia sighed out. Jessica was right. Calling Harry while still technically in her house with Ben felt inappropriate. She would wait until she was under the insufferable roof of her childhood home before letting Harry know she was ready to be his again.

Jessica beamed. “Good!” she affirmed, standing up and offering a hand to Olivia. “Now let’s get this show on the road, okay?”

It didn’t take the sisters much longer to gather Olivia’s belongings and load them into Olivia’s SUV and Jessica’s van. The four cats settled in the back of Jessica’s van – more convenient with the safety shield behind the backseat – and Olivia couldn’t help but snap a picture of her cat craziness, clearly on display.

“Okay, see you soon, babies,” Olivia cooed, scratching Oscar’s nose. “Be good for Auntie Jess!”

Jessica rolled her eyes as Olivia slammed the back door. “They’ll be fine,” she laughed. “It’s just a few hours. Bet they’ll sleep the whole time, anyway!”

Olivia echoed Jessica’s laugh. “You’re dreaming,” she chuckled. “Okay, I’ll see you in a while. Drive safe,” she added, hugging her sister before climbing into her own car. She started the engine and watched as Jessica backed out of the driveway. Once clear, Olivia was about to back down the driveway when something on the radio caught her attention.

“That was Liam Payne and Rita Ora with For You here on one-oh-nine point three QPMO! Thank you so much for joining us today, I’m Caitlin Thomas and I’m here with you all day long during your no repeat work day! Hey, speaking of Liam Payne… Tonight’s the night fifty thousand of you have been waiting for! That’s right, Niall, Harry, Louis, Liam and Zayn are at BC Place tonight and tomorrow as part of their worldwide reunion tour! If you’re still looking for tickets, you’re out of luck but…”

Olivia’s heart felt as though it stopped beating and her breath hitched in her throat. Surely she’d heard the DJ incorrectly. Harry wasn’t here. He couldn’t be only a half hour away from her mere days after she broke up with her fiancé. It was too far out of left field to be real.

Olivia snapped out of her daze and grabbed her phone from her purse. She quickly tapped out a Google search and her head fell against the back of the seat as she read the results. For two nights, Harry would be a stone’s throw from her. Suddenly, all the apprehension and fear she had over calling him vanished, and she only knew she couldn’t get to Vancouver fast enough.

After quickly tapping out a quick text to Jessica – Harry’s in Van tonight, I’m gonna go see if I can see him. I’ll tell you everything as soon as I can – she scrolled through her contacts and settled on the name of a person she hadn’t talked to in ages but would be the best one to help Olivia.

Hey, I know we haven’t talked in awhile but… I’m really hoping you can help me with something. Please call me as soon as you can.

Notes