Dear Harry,

Today is your 27th birthday. I don’t know why, but I always remember your birthday. That’s a lie. I know why I remember. It’s you. I wonder what you’re doing today. Did Hailey spoil you? Did she find the perfect gift for you? Is she cooking your favourite meal for supper? Is she doing all the things I would do? Why do I hope she’s not? I want your birthday to be the best day, but I don’t want her making it your best day. God, I’m the worst and such a hypocrite. I’m writing you this letter that I’ll never send, in the notebook reserved for planning my wedding to someone else. I don’t know what I’ll do if anyone ever reads it.

I was thinking about our first date the other day. I was watching that stupid Bachelor knock-off (don’t laugh) and this couple went on a date to the beach. It looked so much like our little spot in LA. I wonder what that spot would look like now. Was it really as beautiful as I remember? Or was it beautiful because I was there with you? I guess I’ll never know. That night was one of the best nights of my life. I wish I could go back to that. I wish we could go back to being that couple, with so much hope and promise for the future. I wish I knew what happened to us. Why did we let each other become strangers? Why did we give up on each other so easily? Why didn’t we fight for us? What the fuck went wrong?

I wish we hadn’t left things the way we did. I didn’t want to leave like that, upset and angry without any closure. But I really don’t know if I will ever be able to get closure from you.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Dear Harry,

Today is Valentine’s Day. Ben’s working tonight. I know I should be disappointed, but it wouldn’t be right when I can’t get you off my mind. Why do I always think of you on every Valentine’s Day, even though we never spent one together? I always say I don’t care about Valentine’s Day, that it’s just one day out of the year. Who cares? Love should be shown and known every day, not just one. I know I would have spouted that to you. You probably would have argued with me. I can hear you saying something like “Valentine’s Day is our reminder to invest time and energy into our relationship and remind the other how much we love them” and then something pervy like “I’ll invest some energy in you” while smacking my ass and giving me one of those adorable, exaggerated winks. And then you would have grinned, all cute and dimpley, while you spoiled me. And you know I would have loved it, even if I acted like a cheeky brat. And I would have spoiled you. I loved spoiling you.

Fuck. I need to stop thinking about you. I can’t, but I have to.

Dear Harry,

Today marks 4 years since we first met. How has it only been 4 years? It feels like a lifetime. I never could have guessed that me getting sick on this handsome stranger on the plane would change my life in such a way.

I’m not doing well with this whole wedding planning stuff. Maybe it would help if I didn’t have letters to you tucked among pictures of floral arrangements and bridesmaid dresses.

How am I supposed to do this? I can’t marry someone who’s not you.

~*~*~*~

Harry trudged down the hall towards his hotel room. He felt like a zombie, hardly able to keep his eyes open. The band was almost at the halfway point of their reunion tour and while Harry had been enjoying it more than he expected he would, he couldn’t deny how exhausting it was.

And lonely, he remembered as he stepped into the empty hotel room.

Harry let out a sigh, kicking off his boots before flopping onto the bed. He covered his face with his hands, rubbing his palms against his tired eyes. He had a bottle of Casamigos chilling in the fridge but he wasn’t sure if he even had the energy to have a drink.

It was always an odd sensation, coming off stage after performing a high-energy show for an hour and a half with four other men to being alone in a deafly silent hotel room. He remembered how the group would unite after shows in their early days, crowding onto the tour bus to share memories and laughs about the show. Now, they didn’t even ride in the same car to the hotel. They still spent time together, but with the band members having children or wives or girlfriends, it made converging more difficult.

Harry hated being alone with just his thoughts. His thoughts were always Olivia. He’d tried to get her off his mind, but spending each night singing songs he wrote about her didn’t make it easy to stop thinking about her. It was now mid-April, nearly four months since he’d seen her, and she was as prominent in his mind as she had been at Christmastime. He loathed how he couldn’t get her off his mind while she was likely planning her wedding to Big Burly Ben and not giving Harry a second thought.

A knock on the door snapped Harry out of his pitiful trance. He breathed out a sigh, though not irritated by the interruption, and rolled off the bed. He pulled open the door and saw Zayn Malik waiting in the hallway.

The two men hadn’t been very close while in the band, but the reunion tour, and the fact that their girlfriends were friends, had brought the two of them closer together. Harry appreciated Zayn’s laid back company, and that he wasn’t in the middle of raising a bunch of children – who were usually lovely, but also energetic and exhausting.

“Hey, man,” Zayn greeted as Harry opened the door. “I missed you already!”

Harry snickered, stepping aside to allow Zayn to enter. “I’ve not been able to stop thinking about you,” Harry joked back. “Want a drink?”

Zayn nodded. “Sure,” he agreed. “Gi said they’d still be a couple hours, so might as well, yeah?”

“Who’s they?” Harry wondered, fishing the bottle of tequila from the fridge. He glanced through the dresser mirror at Zayn, watching his friend settle into one of the armchairs.

Zayn met Harry’s eyes through the mirror, a curious frown on his face. “Gigi and Hailey,” he replied, sounding as confused as he looked. “Gi picked Hailey up at the airport, and then they were going to grab a bite. Thought she’d have told you,” he added, kicking off his shoes.

“Uhh… oh yeah,” Harry lied, handing Zayn a glass. He couldn’t hide his surprise, but he would try. He didn’t want Zayn to know he had no idea his girlfriend had joined them in Chicago. It seemed like something Harry should know. “Right…”

Zayn snickered, taking the glass. “What, you didn’t know she was here?” he asked, his brow remaining furrowed. “Girl that talks that much, thought the whole world would know!”

Harry shrugged, sitting across from Zayn. He remembered Hailey had texted him earlier in the day, but he’d ignored it. She liked to text him relationship questions and stressful thoughts right before he was to perform, so he got into the habit of ignoring her even more than he already did. “Nah, I knew. Of course I knew,” he added. What kind of shit boyfriend would I be if I didn’t? He wondered to himself, but he didn’t want to hear Zayn’s answer to the rhetorical question.

“You didn’t!” Zayn countered, laughing loudly. He shook his head at Harry. “What’s going on with you lot, anyway?” he wondered. “Not going to lie, mate… it’s weird you didn’t know she was coming to Chicago…”

Harry waved his hand, dismissing Zayn’s remark. “Nah, I knew…” he fibbed. “I just forgot… Been busy and shit, y’know?” Harry let out a quiet sigh, avoiding Zayn’s eyes. He knew it was a pathetic excuse.

“Come off it,” Zayn advised. “You don’t forget shit like that.”

Harry rolled his eyes as he chuckled. “Are we doing the girly heart-to-heart shit?” he wondered. “Thought that was Liam’s bit.”

“Liam’s not here,” Zayn pointed out. “I can ring if you’d like, though. Course, he’s probably too busy with his lady that he knew was going to be here…” he added with a snicker.

Harry sighed again. He didn’t want to spill his thoughts to Zayn or Liam or anyone. He’d kept his recent thoughts about Olivia and doubts about Hailey to himself. Harry hadn’t even told Niall, who knew Harry saw Olivia. He kept it all a secret because he was in the wrong. He wasn’t treating Hailey with any respect, and he was leading her on and letting her believe everything was okay when everything wasn’t. Harry was too chicken to end it with her, and he knew she wouldn’t end it with him. His actions were embarrassing. He didn’t want his friends to find out what kind of man he was becoming.

“Yeah, yeah…” Harry sighed, running his hand through his hair. “She texts me a fucking lot, man. Sometimes I just…. forget to read them…”

Zayn guffawed. “Yeah, mate, that’s chicks for you,” he laughed. “I tune Geeg out more than not. They fucking talk a lot. So much shit running through their mouths, but… ah, they’re not so bad, yeah?”

Harry shrugged. “Guess so,” he lamented, taking a sip of his drink. He ran his finger along the top of the glass, the friction causing a dull squeal. He wondered how much Zayn knew about his and Hailey’s lacklustre relationship. As Zayn pointed out, the girls talked a lot and were also close friends. Surely if Harry upset Hailey, she’d have told Gigi. And, because Gigi’s mouth was bigger than the Grand Canyon, she would have told Zayn. Whether or not he listened was the question.

Harry didn’t want to ask, but his curiosity took over and he vocalised his curiosity before his mind could interject. “She ever talk about me? Hailey, to Gigi,” he clarified. He shook his head as he asked, almost telling Zayn not to answer him. But his curiosity was stronger than he wanted to admit.

Zayn matched Harry’s shrug. “I don’t really pay attention to their shit,” he replied. “But… she did say something last year, like around Christmas. You and Hailey having a row because you called her Olivia. I was going to ask you, but I figured if it was something you wanted me to know, you’d tell me yourself.”

Harry blew out a loud sigh. “Fuck. It wasn’t like we were in bed or anything like that. And I didn’t tell anyone, not just you,” he added. Zayn had a sensitivity to the relationships the other men had continued to forge while he was not in the band, and Harry didn’t want him to think he was on the outside. “But…” He sighed again. “I guess I did call her Liv. Once. And I was drunk,” he pointed out, as though that was a valid excuse for his mistake. “But… I mean, fuck, it’s not like it’s that big of a deal. It’s just a name…”

Zayn laughed. “The name of your ex,” he reminded Harry. “What made you call her that, anyway?”

Harry shifted uncomfortably. He hated coming across as the bad guy. “Uhm… well… I sort of saw Liv at a coffee shop in New York… And then… went on a sort of date, hang out thing with her. And, uhm… I mean, fuck! She was just on my mind. It wasn’t a big deal,” he lied, breaking eye contact with Zayn.

“Yeah?” asked Zayn, not sounding convinced.

Harry scowled. “Yeah!” he exclaimed. “It was nothing! I saw her, she’s fucking engaged! It doesn’t fucking matter that she told me she still loves me, or that we kissed or anything like that! She’s not here, and she’s with him so what the fuck does it matter that I called Hailey Liv? Fucking nothing!”

Zayn raised his eyebrow, clearly surprised by Harry’s outburst. He took a sip of his drink while Harry ducked his head in shame. The silence settled between the two friends for several moments, neither knowing what to say. Finally, Zayn spoke up.

“So… you kissed her?”

“Yep…” Harry sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I know. It’s bad, but… fuck. I’d do it again, right now…” he confessed to Zayn. He shrugged. “Yeah, yeah… I shouldn’t think like that, but I can’t help it!”

Zayn shrugged. “Hey, I’m not really the one who can judge other people’s relationships,” he laughed. “Just not looking forward to hearing all the shit about you that they’ll come up with once you break up with Hailey.”

Harry stood up. “Ahh… well, I don’t think I’ll be dumping her,” he admitted, refilling his drink.

“Why not?”

“Why?” Harry countered. He sighed again, joining Zayn. “I mean… whatever, right? It’s fine with Hailey, she’s hot and fun… sometimes. She’s… you know, she’s… it’s fine. It’ll be fine. Just… once I get off the tour and stop singing these fucking songs about Liv… Then I can get her off my mind and it’ll be okay with Hailey.”

“Hmm…” Zayn hummed. Harry eyed him, waiting for him to elaborate. “Your call, man… But, I mean… kind of shitty being with someone you’re just okay about…”

“Yeah, it is, but the one I actually want is with someone else, so what other choice do I have?” Harry countered hotly.

“You’ve met every single chick in the world?” Zayn asked. “I mean, I know you’ve met loads, but… there’s someone out there who you won’t be just okay about. Someone who’s not Olivia, but you love even more. Sticking with Hailey isn’t going to make you find that person…”

Harry shook his head. He would never have feelings for another woman as strong as those he had for Olivia. He was lucky enough to find it once – no one could be so lucky as to have two great loves in their life. There was not a point in even trying to find someone who would come close to Olivia because no one would.

Zayn shrugged. “I’m just saying,” he told Harry, standing up to refill his drink. “But, enough chick talk. Just do what you’ve got to do… and just give me a heads up before you toss her, because that angry girl hurricane is going to be scary!”

“Deal,” Harry agreed, refraining from telling Zayn he wasn’t going to dump Hailey any time soon, despite his insipid feelings towards her. It was easier this way.

~*~*~*~

“Thank you, Minneapolis, you’ve been incredible! Get home safe, we love you! Good night!”

The five men waved to the screaming crowd as the mechanical platform slowly lowered them beneath the stage. The shouts from the fans dulled as the boys retreated backstage, but they were still deafening.

Harry grabbed a towel from a waiting crew member and retreated to the backstage suite. He pushed open the door and found himself face-to-face with a scowling Hailey.

“Oh! Hey… hi, babe…” Harry stammered out, her presence taking him by surprise. “Thought, uhh… you were going to meet me back at the hotel?” Harry repressed a sigh. He couldn’t have a spare moment without Hailey interrupting it.

Hailey crossed her arms. “Oh, right… wait to have sex with you while you’re thinking about her?” she snapped.

Harry was taken aback by Hailey’s retort and he didn’t know how to answer her. “I… you… what?” he stuttered, casting a glance around the room. Unfortunately for him, it was the hangout spot for the band, crew and anyone else who happened upon the tour, and a dozen or more sets of eyes stared at him. “What are you on about?”

Hailey shoved her hand against Harry’s shoulder, her anger towards him clear. “Are you fucking joking?” she exclaimed. “You kissed your ex-girlfriend! And you’re so stupid, you tell Zayn, of all people?! And you think I wouldn’t find out?”

Harry whirled around, shooting a glare at Zayn. Zayn’s eyes widened, looking panicked. “I… I… I thought she knew!” he sputtered out. He turned to glare at Gigi. “What the hell?!”

Gigi scoffed, her hands on her hips. “Girl code,” she reminded Zayn. She turned her attention to Harry, an odd smirk on her face. “I’m not going to keep something like that from my best friend,” she reminded Harry. “You’re disgusting.”

Harry let out an exasperated sigh. “This has nothing to do with you,” he told Gigi. “And it’s not what you think,” he said to Hailey. He wished he and Hailey could have their argument in private. Despite most of the people in the room liking him more than Hailey, he was still the bad guy.

“So you told Zayn you kissed her, even though you didn’t kiss her?” asked Hailey, raising an eyebrow expectantly.

“Can’t we talk about this in private?” Harry hissed, gesturing to the people in the room. “Nobody wants to hear this!”

“Yeah, we do!” Niall piped up, causing his girlfriend, Ashley, to swat his arm.

Hailey chuckled humourlessly. “Right, let’s talk in private,” she scoffed. “That way, you can tell everyone tomorrow about how this was all a misunderstanding and Hailey’s crazy and you’re fucking perfect King Harry, who’d never hurt a fly and blah blahs on about ‘treat people with kindness’,” she snapped. “Fuck that!” Hailey was quiet for a few moments as she stared into Harry’s eyes. “Yes or no. Did you kiss Olivia?”

“Of course I kissed her!” Harry sputtered out, his defence waning. He’d never seen Hailey with such a fire behind her, and he wasn’t sure how to respond. “We dated! We kissed a lot!”

Hailey rolled her eyes. “I mean recently,” she exclaimed. “Like at Christmastime, when you dead ass called me by her name? You kissed her then, didn’t you?”

Harry dropped his head. He could feel everyone watching him and he wished he was anywhere but in front of Hailey’s hateful glare. He looked up, meeting her eyes for just a moment before looking down again and nodding ever so slightly.

Hailey pursed her lips together and huffed out a few angry breaths from her nose. Harry thought for a moment she resembled a bull, but decided a bull would be less scary. “You’re a piece of shit, Harry,” Hailey breathed out, her voice shaking. She cleared her throat as though to rid the quiver.

“Jeez… that’s a bit harsh…” Harry muttered before he had a chance to think through the words.

“Harsh!?” Hailey yelped. “Harsh? You cheated on me! I should have known you would do this. You kissed Taylor while you dated Olivia, didn’t you? Oh, you didn’t think I knew? Your sister told me,” she added haughtily, meeting Harry’s puzzled eyes.

Jesus, what is with chicks and their big fucking mouths? Harry wondered to himself. “She kissed me,” Harry corrected Hailey. “I’m not a fucking serial cheater!”

“You cheat once… you’re a cheater!” Hailey shouted. “Twice? You’re still a cheater!”

A cheater. Harry never wanted that to be his identifier. He prided himself on being a good person, an accepting and nonjudgmental person. He hadn’t always treated Hailey with disrespect and he thought he’d been a great boyfriend to Olivia. But as Hailey reminded him of his past indiscretions, he wondered if he really was as shitty of a person as she was making him out to be.

“Nothing to say, huh?” Hailey snapped. “I can’t believe I’ve wasted three years with someone who is such a gross piece of shit!” She held her hands up in a stopping gesture. “I’m so fucking done with you, Harry. I’m fucking done!”

“Done?” Harry repeated weakly. She couldn’t be done with him. He couldn’t be alone. “Hailey, I… come on, we can figure this out…”

Hailey laughed loudly. “Figure it out?” she spat out. “So I’m just supposed to sit back and accept the fact that you’re always going to be thinking about her? I should just be okay with you kissing your ex-girlfriend whenever the mood strikes? You really have a high opinion of yourself, don’t you? News flash, Harry. You’re not that great!”

“Shit…” Niall commented with a low whistle.

“Shut up!” Harry snapped. He turned back to Hailey. He had never seen her with such sureness. If she wasn’t about to break up with him, he would have been proud of her. Instead, he was just humiliated. “Babe, come on –“

“Don’t fucking call me babe!” Hailey cried. “I’m so fucking done with you! Delete my number. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t fucking talk about me. You are such a piece of shit, and I never want to see you again!”

With her final harsh words, Hailey turned on her heel and flounced from the suite, snatching Gigi as she walked past. Harry watched her leave, feeling more upset by her words than he thought he would. He was arrogant in thinking she would never leave him, and her truth bombs about his infidelity and conceit hurt. He pursed his lips, wishing Hailey’s breakup didn’t have an audience.

Harry turned to his friends, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Show’s over,” he mumbled, brushing past Zayn to his dressing room. He locked the door behind him and covered his face with his hands. What was he supposed to do now?

Notes