HIM

“I haven’t felt like myself lately.” I admitted as i was putting my shirt back on.

I glanced at her but it seemed like she was doing everything she could to avoir my eyes. I couldn’t blame her. When this whole thing started, she already had Maggie, and although i’ve found myself wondering if she could be mine instead of Harry’s, I knew it was impossible. I wouldn’t know how i’d react if she’d tell me she was going to have an other kid with Harry. I think it would destroy me.

“Liv…”

No answer.

“Livi!”

She stopped moving completely, her jeans still unzipped, and i heard her breathe in, trying to find courage to turn to me. I got up and walked to her, putting myself in front of her as she brought hers hands to her face. She looked sad and it killed me. I grabbed both her elbows and tried to move them apart but she just shook her head. She tried to hide it but when she started sobbing, my face twisted in pain. I wrapped my arms around her and brought her closer, pulling her into a warm embrace. She didn’t resist but started crying more as i rocked her gently, leaving a few kisses on the top of her head.

“I haven’t felt like myself since Nat told me the news. I promise this wasn’t planned, I promise I didn’t want this.” I knew no words would make this okay, but I wanted her to know the truth. “I’m so sorry.”

I was not going to mention the fact that I would love this baby with all my heart and that I would take care of him or her until the day I died. I was not going to make this worse by telling her this baby was going to be the person i would love the most in the world. I didn’t have to, I knew she already knew it, since she had a kid of her own.

She remained in my arms for a few minutes, just crying, her arms around my chest and gripping my shirt on my back like her life depended on it.

“I’m sorry.” I repeated in a whisper, hugging her tighter against me.

When she pulled away, i raised my eyebrows, staring at her. She wiped her cheeks and sniffed before to turn around, her back facing me.

“Are you okay?” I wondered in a sweet tone, not daring to touch her again.

“Okay, but embarrassed.”

Her words made me frown but i didn’t have time to ask anything. She turned around quickly and sent me a sad smile, tilting her head on the side.

“I didn’t know you two…” she started with a shrug, looking away. “It’s stupid.”

It took me a few seconds and it suddenly hit me. I watched her wipe her tears again and try to put a smile on her lips, but i knew her too much to be fooled by that. She was just trying to be strong in front of me and although it was endearing, it was also heartbreaking.

“You didn’t know we still… had sex?”

I used those words because it was really all it was. We never fucked the way Livia and I did : intensely, hard and impatiently. And we surely didn’t make love.

I took a few steps in her direction and licked my lips, trying to find the right words, but i was speechless. She turned around to look at me again, and i noticed how red her eyes were.

“I want to stay with you tonight.”

I stared at her in shock, my lips slightly parted as she closed her eyes.

“I want to sleep in your arms, Niall.” she continued, breathing in and out slowly. “Not just a nap, the whole night.”

The thought of waking up with her was intoxicating and I held my breath, feeling my heart jump a few times in my chest. I allowed myself to think about it for a few seconds and I closed my eyes too.

“I’ll just text Harry to tell him i’m sleeping at a friend’s. Anyway, I told him I was going out with them tonight.”

I could hear hope in her voice and I loved it. This whole idea sounded incredible. Cuddling her all night, her hair tickling my face and my arms around her waist… Hearing her light snore more than just half an hour… having sex while spooning when we wake up and even eating breakfast in bed. It’s not a night I wanted, it’s a fucking lifetime.

I finally opened my eyes and reality hit me. Hard. My eyes found hers, full of expectations, almost begging me to agree to this unrealistic idea.

“Petal, you know… you know I can’t.”

Her smile fell and the last glimpse of hope that made her eyes sparkle disappeared. And I felt like shit. I felt like the most horrible human being on the planet. I knew there were many more reasons why I was an execrable person but at this exact moment, I couldn’t find a better one.

“You can’t, or you don’t want to.”

Her question sounded more like a blame and my heart twisted thinking she could believe I was lying. I walked up to her quicker and cupped her face gently, moving her chin up to look down in her eyes. She stared at me through her eyelashes and my jaw twitched.

“I want it so bad, you have no idea. I want to wake up with you, kiss your neck in the morning. I want to watch you stretch, stare in your sleepy eyes, watch your morning smile. Liv, I want it all. But I can’t.”

Her eyes fluttered at my words and she seemed to relax in my arms before to open her eyes quickly and stare in my eyes. It seemed like it lasted an hour but it was probably just a minute.

“Things… Things were easier when you were single.”

I wanted to agree with her, I wanted to tell her she was right, but my mind wandered around and i remembered she was actually dating one of my best friends. I took a step back and tried to remain calm, my arms falling on each side of me.

“That’s unfair, Liv.” I started in a low tone, shaking my head. “You have a family, you’re practically married with Harry, and you say it would be easier if i was single? Me?”

I frowned, looking down at my feet, and saw her take a step closer.

“Nee, that’s not what I-”

“No!” I looked up, trying to stop the tears from running on my cheeks and the anger from consuming me. "You don’t get to say that, you don’t get to say my relationship is less important than yours, not anymore, because i’m gonna be a dad.“

I didn’t know if I wanted to cry of pain or anger but either way, it was hard to contain all my feelings inside.

"I never asked you to drop Harry because I had still some respect for him, but mostly because of your daughter. I was not going to be the one breaking such a perfect family. But now, you don’t get to break mine. You.. You can’t, Olivia. You’re not allowed to do that anymore.”

She remained silent, her lips slightly parted, and despite all the sadness and wrath running in my veins, I surprised myself thinking of how beautiful she was. Her mascara ran on her cheeks, two long black lines that reminded me that she cried because of me, her hair was a mess and her eyes were swollen… but it didn’t matter. She looked gorgeous, she always did.
I shook my head and looked away, knowing if I stared at her more, I would probably stay, and I wouldn’t even regret it. And that was probably the worst thing someone could do.

“Anyway, i’m leaving now.”

I didn’t have time to turn around completely when she grabbed my arm.

“I’m sorry!” she almost yelled. “I’m sorry, i’m so sorry Niall, don’t leave.”

The despair in her voice broke my heart again and i held my breath for a few seconds before to take a step closer to the door. Only a few more and I would be out.

“I have to.”

I glanced at her but quickly closed my eyes. I heard her start to sob again and I swallowed my feelings. I could pretend it was easy all I wanted, it was one of the hardest things I had to do recently.

“Goodnight Olivia, i’ll text you.”

I rushed out and closed the door behind me before to lean against the wall, right next to the room. I shut my eyes tight and swallowed again, trying to get back to my senses. She didn’t run after but I could hear her cry on the other side of the door. I knew she had noticed that I used her whole name instead of a nickname, or a pet name. It was not something I did often. I only used her name in public and that’s pretty much it. The only other time I used it was the first time I broke her heart… and mine.

It took me a few minutes to finally walk to the elevator. This night hadn’t gone as planned at all.

---

I was so lost in my thoughts that the ride home seemed short. I parked but stayed in my car for a while, my phone in hands, typing and erasing messages i wanted to send Liv. I passed my hand in my face with a sigh and put my phone back into my pocket without sending her anything. I was not even sure what our last conversation was all about. Did we break up or did we just fight? Liv and I never fought before, I made sure of it. We always left our life at the door before to meet and although she enjoys telling me a few things about her daughter, we mostly talked about ourselves, what we liked, what kind of person we are. With time, I found out so many things about her I probably knew her better than herself. Better than Harry.

Reluctantly, I got out of the car and walked inside, throwing my keys on the kitchen’s counter before to look around me. The apartment was quiet and it made me frown.

“Hello? Nat? Are you home?”

I walked to the room and opened the door only to see her already asleep. The lights were on and so was the tv. It made a fond smile creep on my lips and i sat on the bed next to her gently, bending down to kiss the top of her head. She woke up slowly and groaned low before to turn my way, her eyes fluttering open.

“Hey, Niall.” she whispered, sending me a small smile.

“Sorry I woke you up darling, how do you feel?”

She made an effort to sit up and my eyes fell on her tummy. Her pregnancy didn’t show yet and I was wondering how it would feel when it would. For her, it was already concrete but for me, it was different. I knew there was a baby… my baby… inside of her, but at the same time, it was hard to understand.

“I’m good, just extremely tired.”

She giggled lightly and it made my lips curl again. My mind wandered on Liv and i couldn’t help but imagine her pregnant. I’ve only seen pictures of her carrying Maggie but thinking about her pregnant with my child brought a rush to my brain and sent a shiver run up my spine. I felt guilty. I felt fucking guilty. I wanted her to carry my child but i didn’t want to admit it to anyone, especially not myself.

I shook my head slightly to get rid of my thoughts and licked my lips, giving all my attention to my girlfriend.

“Do you want a cup of tea?”

Her eyes softened and her shoulders fell as she tilted her head. She was pretty. Her eyes were the first things i noticed when I met her. They looked like they carried a secret at all times. That had attracted me to her a lot and i knew I wanted her in my life the very first time i made her laugh. And now she was there, in my bed, carrying my child… and I was cheating in her. In fact, I’ve been cheating on her the whole fucking time.

“That would be amazing, Niall, you’re too sweet.” she said, bringing her hand to rest on mine.

I glance at our hands together and my heart twists a bit in my chest. When she touches me, it doesn’t do the same thing than when Liv touches me, and for some reason, it makes me feel even more guilty.

“Come on petal, join me downstairs.” I just let out, getting up quickly.

Our skins touching was making me sick to my stomach and i turned around to reach the door when she stopped me.

“Petal? It’s the very first time you call me that.” she pointed out with a chuckle. “It’s cute, I like it.”

If I didn’t feel guilty enough already, this time, it literally made me want to throw up. I didn’t answer and i honestly couldn’t meet her eyes so I just ignored her comment and ran downstairs to the kitchen. I quickly started heating water before to lean against the counter, eyes closed, breathing in and out, trying to get my heartbeats to a normal speed.

Why was I doing that to her, and why was I doing that to myself? I remembered that time I actually broke things off with Liv and the simple thought of that week without her brought tears to my eyes. I was a loser. I was a loser and an asshole, and i was a very bad person.
Of course, Liv and I had thought about just stopping things with Harry and Nat to be together but it never became concrete. We both knew it had to remain a story we’d tell ourselves late at night before to part.

I felt hands run on my waist and jumped, holding my breath and making my girlfriend laugh before to turn around. She pressed herself against me and i breathed in, wrapping my arms around her.

“Did you have fun tonight?”

The irony made me grimace and i was glad that tea was ready, giving me a good excuse to move away. I walked past her and grabbed cup, pouring hot water in it. I added a tea bag and brought it to her as she sat at the table.

“Yea.” I just answered, hoping there wouldn’t be more questions.

I was already a liar, but this was going so much further than I intended.

“I’ll just go take a shower okay?”

I got up and walked to her to kiss her forehead before to leave the room as quick as i could. Recently, it was hard to be in the same room as her, and it was not normal. I ran upstairs, taking my phone out of my pocket.

‘I hate when we fight.’ i quickly typed. ’I’m sorry.’

Notes