All Again

JULIE
NOW

I am counting down the minutes until my break.
I am counting down the minutes until the stupid sand can get out of the crack of my bikini.
My memory lane distraction is no longer working.
I re-adjust.
"Julie Look at me...pose this way."
As my body twists and contorts to get the perfect pose, I deeply regret my day job.
My face has been suspended and stuck in this stupid expression for the last two hours.
I've been smiling so much my cheeks hurt.
"Julie focus!" the photographer shouts, and I go back to my mental place.
A twist here, a wink there...a big playful scowl...
Around me the waves crash, and the weather is warm on my skin, but all I can think about is my upcoming vacation and how much I'm already over this trip.
In two weeks, I will be taking a month off to be with Harry. In two weeks, I will be by his side while he tours the United States.
It makes all of this worth it.
As the day has been trudging on, he has been on my mind.
I like to think about him as I have my shoots, and our upcoming wedding. It's relaxing.
The big day is planned for after the tour, but so far, not many things have been planned.
I hate to say it, but he is a typical man dragging his feet.
I smile, as I think of yesterday and trying to get him to pick a venue. As we shared lunch in Beverly Hills, his disinterest was more than apparent. He didn't want to look at any venues, and he seemed to almost dread the topic of the wedding.
I know he's stressed out. He's had a busy few days.
Today, my thoughts have been on the past and how we met, and our time in London.
I'm not sure why though.
That trip hadn't ended too pleasant.
"Alright that's a wrap for now."
I do a collective sigh as my break has finally arrived a couple minutes later.
A chance to regroup, get the sand out of my bum, and grab a quick bite.
As I stretch, heading over to my rest area, my longtime stylist and friend comes by me and hands me my phone.
"Any missed calls?" I ask.
"Nope." Phylicia says. She tousles my hair behind me and I sit in her chair.
The next location is being set up for my group shot with the other models joining me on this shoot so I have an hour.
As Phylicia brushes out my curls, and pulls my hair up for the next look, we begin our usual girl talk.
We begin to talk about the day and the next shoots while I browse my social media accounts.
While she speaks, I pose for a quick selfie to update my fifty million followers on Instagram; a daily habit.
We both smile big and wide and caption the photo 'Paradise', and it is.
This is one of the better shoots- location wise- I've ever been on and I'm glad she was able to join me.
"Talk to Harry today?" she eventually asks after she's done, taking a seat beside me and digging into her Kale Salad for lunch.
We've been working together the last three years so she's well aware of his prescene in my life.
"No. Getting ready to call him. I think he's been with his manager all day. I haven't heard from him." I say with a pout. For me, it is just past noon, but for him it has to be after two in the afternoon.
"His tour starts soon right?"'
I nod yes with a smile. "He flies out of L.A. tomorrow. First stop is New York."
As I talk about him, I'm so proud. He's so talented and I'm so excited to see what he does next.
"Do you think he's nervous?"
I nod yes again and examine my new hair in the mirror. Phylicia, as always, has done an amazing job.
"It's a bigger headline tour. I'm sure."
I shift in my seat, and curl my leg to rest on my foot.
"He's been waiting to get on the road by himself again. I think promoting and that brief reunion with the boys last year got him pumped again." I explain.
"Yeah but he's been on his own for a while now, even with their last concert." She suggests.
"He has." I note. "But I don't know." I say with a small shrug. "He doesn't tell me about it all. He's protective of it I guess." I say with a playful roll of my eye.
She smiles.
We talk about him all the time, so she knows what I mean.
"Still doesn't want to talk about a lot of stuff huh?" she questions.
"No." I say in slight annoyance. His elusiveness is his only flaw. I hate the way he always keeps things from me.
Phylicia takes another bite of her food, then looks at me in interest.
"Speaking of... how did dinner go the other night? With the ex?" she asks curiously.
I immediately roll my eyes again. The last thing I want to think about is her.
I've been trying to forget about that stupid dinner for the last two days.
"Ugh." I say immediately. "Don't even bring that up."
Phylicia chuckles. "That bad huh?"
I nod yes.
"Such a waste of time." I say with a small sigh.
"What was she like? Was she a bitch?"
I place my phone down on the mantle thinking of the best way to describe her.
I try to picture the thorn in my side of the last eleven months.
Well...I can say the experience was different than I imagined. The haunting/looming presence of Becca Johnson had made her this glorified figure. I was expecting so much more for the girl that the love of my life couldn't once get over.
Yet, I was quite let down to be completely honest.
I turn to Phylicia, giving her my full attention.
"I wouldn't say she was a bitch, but she wasn't warm either. She was that kind of fake polite ya know? Like she secretly can't stand me."
Phylicia instantly laughs.
"Well can you blame her? You're the end game. She's probably mad because you got the ring."
I instantly smile with her.
"Oh I know. And believe me, I definitely caught her checking it out. She kept asking Harry where he bought it. It was weird."
"Kept asking where he bought the ring?" she asks in puzzlement.
I nod again. "Yeah, like why did it matter?" I ask out-loud.
"She's probably curious how much he spent." Phylicia says. "She's not in the business right?"
"No."
"How did she and Harry meet? Were you able to find that out?"
"I haven't found out anything." I say in frustration.
To be honest, it was the only reason I agreed to the dinner.
For months, there has been this back and forth with Harry and pull to get more information- but there is nothing.
After all this time, he still doesn't talk about her or anyone close to her. It's a forbidden subject between us, and his family and friends don't even bring her up.
It didn't take long for me to be fed up with it all. It wasn't too long into the London trip to his house that I demanded answers.
It caused our first fight, and breakup.
We made up a few days later, but after everything came to a head, we agreed to never talk about her or let her in our lives, and a couple weeks later, I got the ring.
Imagine my surprise two weeks ago when he approached me with the prospect of the dinner and seeing her again. I was extremely hesitant and immediately said no. Once more, she caused another fight. He had berated me for not trusting him and being insecure.
I had been upset for days and it was actually Phylicia who had changed my mind on the whole thing. She had pointed out this was my chance. 'Now you can finally find out the details, just pump it out of her at dinner and watch them if you have concerns' she suggested.
It was a great idea, and the ONLY reason I agreed to him seeing her.
Yet, now...there still was nothing.
Phylicia stirred some of her lettuce.
"Well that sucks, but it's a good thing you went." She says and takes another bite. "So how was she with Harry? Was it as bad as you thought it would be?"
I smile to myself, remembering the only good thing about the dinner.
"They got into it surprisingly."
Phylicia's eyes grow wide.
"Really?" she says in interest.
I nod yes.
"They got into it before we left. Started screaming at each other."
"About what?" she asks, obviously looking for a juicy story.
"I'm not sure. But I'm glad they did. Ruined that fantasy he had of her."
She looks at me with narrowed eyes.
"So you don't think he's still in love with her?"
"No." I say softly. I look down studying my nail polish.
"I'm positive he's over her now. And I mean, the dinner did help with that. I'm sure now he realizes that it wasn't meant to be or whatever. I mean... He has too right?" I ask with slight uncertainty.
Phylicia nods.
"Yeah, sure." Phylicia says. "Besides, he has you. And you're wonderful." she says reading through my unsure tone. "And I'm sure she hasn't been on his mind in a long time." She says with a warm smile. "He probably got it out of his system..."
I just nod in complete agreement. I'm glad to hear it, even if I don't completely believe it.
I do think he is over her, but I don't think he's over it.
Something about that relationship still gets under his skin; I can feel it.
A couple minutes later, Phylicia completes her salad, and leaves me alone to call Harry.
'Tell him I say hello' she calls, before leaving me in the space by myself.
Taking a sip of water, and cradling my phone, I settle in a corner and call Harry.
I wait anxiously while the phone rings.
One ring....
Two ring....
Three....
I sip more of my drink and wait as the line continues to ring.
After the six ring, it is painfully obvious he isn't by his phone.
A little while ago I sent him a text telling him I would be calling, but I'm guessing he hasn't seen it.
I hang up reluctantly and decide to give him a moment. He lives near his phone, so I'm sure he'll call back soon.
I head back to my social media accounts, checking on the status of my selfie and the comments and likes. As always, most are positive, with a few 'haters' laced through.
I move away from that account and go to another.
I read a few tweets and then reply to a few fans, before my hands get an inch.
My fingers find their way to Harry's profile.
There isn't much to see.
He isn't heavy on the social media circuit and he only updates his profile once in a blue moon.
I'm mainly checking to get some type of fix.
His last tweet a month ago, had been song lyrics to my favorite country song.
At the time, he had posted it as a joke, making fun of my obsession with the song.
As I pull up his Twitter account, I am expecting to see that tweet at that very top and I anticipate my smile.
However, I'm surprised when a new tweet takes its place in the top spot.
It is from yesterday, around 3pm California time.
His new tweet stares back at me.
@Harry_Styles: If I could, I would.
He was with me at the time, so I'm a bit confused as to what it's related too.
We didn't listen to any songs with those lyrics, or have any profound statements or jokes.
I try to remember the previous day.
He had met me for lunch and we had went back to my place where he helped me pack. After, he had drove me to the airport where I caught my flight at seven.
So, what's if I could, I would?
I click on the tweet to get more information.
Sometimes his fans know more than I do and put the pieces together for me. They know him well I must say.
I feel my blood boil. A rise of jealously, confusion and angry overcomes me.
Instantly I'm seeing the name BeccaPenelope94 and his---together.
What the hell?
What have I missed?
Why is Becca being brought up?
Did the media find out we had all hung out and had dinner?
I quickly scroll through the comments, and it doesn't sound like that. Instead the comments are a mixture of celebrations and complete disgust. Hecca this, and Hecca freaking that... Something has happened between them that I don't know. The comments sound like they are back together or freaking best friends again.
What now?
My insecurities quickly take over.
I click on Becca's old profile.
I see it immediately.
The first tweet in two years and it is this:
Tell me with your mind, body and spirit.
My body comprehends the tweet before my mind can.
The anger that is rising, filters through me and explodes.
I know that lyric! I swear I do!
Those are some lyrics to a One Direction song.
I remember in the early days, when I wanted to impress Harry, I use to listen to everything he ever made, and though I don't know what these tweets are and if they are related, it is something.
Something is going on that I'm missing.
For one, Becca doesn't tweet on that account anymore, and the tweets are minutes apart.
They.
Are.
Minutes.
Apart.
But he was with me...
And they didn't even talk anymore
Or did they?
Have they been talking all this time?
My P.I. skills magnify.
I scroll to Harry's Instagram and try to find more information.
Nothing.
Then, I head to Google and type in his name,
Nothing.
Whatever these tweets mean haven't made it to the mainstream media yet, so what's going on....
Why would she tweet that?
What was Harry tweeting about and why does it pertain to Becca?
Why are they linking them together?
Was it a response, or just coincidence?
And then an alarm goes off....
Has he seen her?
Is he seeing her now?
My thoughts run rampant, and my hands are dialing again before I can even think straight.
I know I may be over-reacting and that it is probably nothing. I tell that to myself.
I am just reaching.
However, something deep inside of me has me worried.
There is that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I try to push away.
That feeling that still comes and clouds around me some nights when were together; He still cares about her. And, maybe he thinks about her more than I think.
No.
No, no, no...
I'm driving myself crazy.
Its the tweets and the fact that I haven't talked to him.
He is in California, miles away from me and I have no clue what he is doing or where he is.
And she is there.
And maybe, just maybe there was more to that dinner than I realized.
But no...they hate each other, and he loves me.
He loves me.
He loves ME.
As I call Harry again for the third time, I finally get an answer.
I give a huge sigh of relief. He wouldn't answer if he was with her, I'm sure of it.
"Hello?" he instantly says and I smile.
Finally we are connected.
"Hey baby! How are you?" I say cheerily. "I've been trying to call you." I tell him.
He pauses and then gives a long sigh.
"Yeah I know."
His voice doesn't fluctuate or get happy and he seems to be distracted or tired...
"What's up?" he asks me with disinterest.
"Nothing." I say quickly. "I didn't talk to you this morning, and I just started my shoot....just wanted to check in. I miss you so much already."
I say this on purpose to invoke something. If something is going on that I'm missing, I want him to remember and remember where we stand.
Who he belongs too.
"Well I'm busy." He instantly replies. "I'm going to have to call you back."
I'm instantly dejected. We haven't even been talking for a full minute yet.
"Why?" I ask quickly. "What are you doing?"
"I'm working." he confirms.
Working?
No he's not.
"Oh really? Are you with Jeff?" I ask curiously. "Good. I have a question for him."
I need confirmation of where he is and I'm going to bullshit a question.
"No." he says. His voice raises a notch, and fills with...something. "I'm not."
"So who are you with?"
"Who says I'm with anybody?" he immediately bites back. "I'm just working."
"Well, where are you?"
"Why?" he asks defensively, and before I can answer, he interrupts me.
"Why are you asking me all these questions suddenly?"
"What questions?" I ask, "I'm just asking what you're doing."
"And I've told you, I'm working."
"On what? With who?" I emphasize.
"I've already answered that question..." And then, something in him changes. He grows colder suddenly. "What do you want Julie? Why do you keep calling me?? You've called me twice in the last twenty minutes. Obviously I can't talk to you or I would have answered your text. So what do you want?"
"Why do I keep calling you?" I question aloud. "Because I want to talk to you."
"Well I can't right now." he says shortly. "So- I'll call you later or something."
I pull the phone slightly away from my ear and look at it.
Who is this?
"What's wrong with you?" I finally ask.
I can hear it now. There is irritation and impatience.
Someone has pissed him off.
"You sound like your upset-"
He cuts me off.
"Nothing." he says quickly again. "Why are we even still talking? If it's nothing important, then I'll call you back later."
"But-"
"Enjoy your shoot. We'll talk later." he says and before I can respond, he hangs up.
Long after there is silence on the other end, I still hold the phone to my ear.
What is his fucking problem?
Who the hell is that?
He's never been so rude to me before.
I toss the phone on the vanity in front of me.
I'm a thrower.
I like to throw things when I'm angry, and right now I'm irritated and can mess up this whole room.
I don't know what to say.
Before he answered like that, I was going to talk about the tweets, but now, I just want to know what is wrong with him.
Something is definitely wrong.
He seemed irritated that I was even calling.
He seemed irritated like he was the other night---with Becca.
My worries come back to me.
In a swift move, I pick up the phone to call him again.
Fuck him, and his attitude. I need answers.
Maybe he is busy and maybe I'm interrupting his work, but he didn't have to be so mean about it.
He should be glad I'm even thinking of him and care.
I quickly call him back but this time there is no dial tone. I am immediately connected to his voicemail.
He has turned his phone off.
I immediately huff.
Now what?
Behind me, I suddenly hear laughter.
I turn as some of the other models fill in the room.
This is a sign that work is too resume soon.
My name is called and I prepare to put on a façade.
I can't deal with Harry and his issues right now. Right now, I'm working and I have to remind myself of that.
But tonight...tonight I want answers.
So as I stand, leaving my phone to the side, I place on my best cheery smile and become who I am; Julie St. Clair. The girl who has everything and no worries.
The girl who has an amazing career and an amazing man who loves her.
A girl who is happy and has the world at her feet.
The girl who is lucky.
A girl who is lying.

"Julie, did you get him?" Phylicia asks, right behind them.
Two of the other popular models in the business surround me too.
"Yeah," I answer. "It's all good. He was happy to hear from me."
Phylicia gives me a small smile and the other models start conversation with me, and I just nod along.
But it is not good.
And he was not happy to hear from me.
As I place on my fake smile, he is on my mind.
Where is he?
What is he doing?
I know he is not working. He forgets, I know his schedule.
Today is his last day off.
Who has upset him?
What news has he heard?
Who is he with?
And then, I think of her.
The pit in my stomach knows the answer.
Becca.
She's involved somehow.
I'm sure of it.
My thoughts cloud as I realize they could be together. I'm sure her boyfriend is at work and I know she doesn't have a real job.
She has nothing to do but stare at wallpaper all day.
My fiancé's wallpaper.
A chill runs through me.
Oh fuck, are they together now?
Shit,shit, shit.

"Julie?" Phylicia cuts into my thoughts. "Still with us?"
Once more, I nod yes and smile.
I have to remember where I am.
I have to remember who I am.
I brush it off again.
I''m Julie St. Clair.
The girl who has everything and no worries.
The girl who has an amazing career and an amazing man who loves her.
The girl who is lucky.
The girl who is lying.

Notes