Stairway To Heaven

“Good morning,” Sofia greets me as I walk into the kitchen. She’s seated on the kitchen counter, back turned toward the dinner table and cup of coffee in her hands. Her eyes are trained on the brown liquid.

“Good morning,” I answer back.

She doesn’t say anything else but she stays seated while I prepare my breakfast. She may not be watching me, I can sense her focus on me. She wants to say something but she can’t bring herself to.

It’s what always happens when we fight. Sofia feels sorry but she doesn’t want to apologize. I always end up being the first to tell her I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. Well, not this time. She is going to have to be the one to make the first move.

I ignore her as I walk past her on my way to the dinner table. I can feel her eyes follow me as I sit down and start on my cheese and bacon sandwich.

It doesn’t take long for her to join me. I don’t look up as she sits down on the chair opposite mine. She keeps staring at me but still, no words pass her lips.

Hansa is the one who breaks the silence when she emerges from the hallway. She is wearing a pretty red blouse and skinny jeans and she looks very pleased with herself. There is a huge grin on her face.

“I aced the test,” she declares loudly.

“That’s great Han,” I tell her, a smile on my lips.

With a pleased sigh, she sits down on the chair between mine and Sofia’s. Her grin falters when she sees the look on both our faces. “You guys haven’t made up yet?”

“Sofia hasn’t said she’s sorry yet, so no, we haven’t,” I reply as I glare at Sofia.

Her face clouds over immediately. “I haven’t apologized?! What about you? You haven’t said that you’re sorry for yelling at me either.”

“You need to apologize first,” I shoot back.

How dare she! Me apologizing first? For what, standing up for myself. People tell me all the time that they know how I feel, I don’t need the same from my friends. I get enough of it from the press. I’m not heartbroken about the breakup because I don’t break down in the middle of the street. While it’s true that I’m not heartbroken, I am sad about the break-up and the press is portraying me like I’m happy that things between me and Zayn ended.

“I’m not apologizing for looking out for you. Because that’s what I’m doing, even if you don’t see it. I really believe that it’s a very bad idea for you and this Niall to start dating. You need to mourn first. Get over Zayn.”

“Don’t say his name,” I bite back. My hands, that I’ve balled into fists on the tabletop, have started to tremble.

“See. That’s what I mean. You wouldn’t mind us saying his name if you were actually over him,” Sofia exclaims angrily.

“That’s not why and you know it,” I yell at Sofia. “ You know iIt’s because I don’t want people to think of me as Zayn Malik’s ex.”

“That’s horse shite. We’re your friends, we’ve never seen you as the whatever of that arsehole. For fuck sakes, your fucking family can’t even say his name. If there are people who see you as just Bao Dong, it’s them. It’s an excuse and I’m tired of dancing around it.”

Sofia’s words are like daggers to my heart. They hurt beyond words. I can feel tears well up in my eyes and suddenly my lower lip starts to tremble.

“Okay, Sof. That’s enough.” Hansa’s voice is soft, careful.

She turns to me and lays a hand on my shoulder. The smile she gives me as one of pity but I don’t care. Unlike Sofia, Hansa cares about my feelings. “I for one think you’re making the right decision. Whether or not you’re over him, falling in love is always a good thing.”

“Just stop it. Stop it,” Sofia exclaims. The look she gives Hansa is filled with fury. “She can’t fucking fall in love with someone if she’s not over Zayn. Pretending you can is unfair to you and to Niall.”

“Oh, now you suddenly care about Niall?” I snap at Sofia.“Last time I checked, you thought he was a perv.”

“You said he isn’t, so I believe you. Niall is not the point. The point is that you shouldn’t start dating yet. You have to get over…”

“Zayn,” I interrupt her. “Yeah, I know. And I’m telling you, I’m over him. I made out with Niall. I wouldn’t do that if I wasn’t over him.”

“You what!” Hansa and Sofia exclaim at the same time. Hansa’s hand falls from my shoulder in surprise.

“Niall and I made out. After we’d studied together, we went for a drink and we ended up making out in the pub.”

“That’s great,” Hansa declares. The grin makes a return to her face.

Sofia, of course, doesn’t look pleased. She looks at me with narrowed eyes. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“No, of course not,” Is my sarcastic reply. “Only that I’m not pining away after Zayn like you’re saying I am.”

“I never said that,” Sofia protests. “Not being over someone doesn’t equal pining over them.
I look at Sofia with one raised eyebrow. "How’d you figure that one out?” I ask even though I don’t really want to know the answer.

Sofia lets out a sigh and her shoulders slump. The anger has left her. “Look, I’m not saying you want to get back with Zayn, so now, I don’t think you’re pining after him but I do think you haven’t properly mourned the breakup. You’ve been too busy with worrying about how other people were going to treat you, that you haven’t gotten the chance to deal with the fact that you’re suddenly on your own, after having been in a relationship for … years. I’m saying this because I know you. I’m not like the press, who base their assumptions about your feelings on nothing. I’m basing mine on who you are.”

“But they’re still assumptions,” I exclaim in a voice that is no longer fueled by anger. Instead, it’s laced with exasperation. “You don’t know my feelings better than I know them myself.”
“Look, I’m not disputing that you like Niall. It’s clear you do. But it doesn’t mean that you’re over Zayn.”

I would like to say once again that no, I am over Zayn but I can’t. Because what if Sofia is right? What if I am really not over Zayn? It would account for me freaking out when I thought he was in the library. If I really am over him, shouldn’t I not freak out when I bump into him or think I am going to?

“Why shouldn’t I be over Zayn. We just grew apart. No on cheated or was awful to the other?” I ask Sofia, one eyebrow raised. I’m also asking myself this question. Why could I have possible not moved on?

“Because like I said, you haven’t properly mourned the end of your relationship.” She’s looking at me with pity and all at once all my anger leaves me. For the first time, it actually feels like she really only wants what she thinks is best for me. “You’ve been too busy with wanting people to see you as not just Zayn’s ex. You haven’t even got the chance to look at what you are without him. Apparently, people who have just come out of a long term relationship tend to need to do that when the relationship ends. At least, that’s what Cosmopolitan says.”

“And if I start dating Niall, you don’t think I can do that? Mourn my past relationship and finding myself?"I ask, my voice still slightly defensive.

"No. I don’t.”

Sofia sounds so sure of herself. So sure that she’s right. What if she is?

“You want me to cancel the date?” I ask, even though I know the answer. I need to hear it from her before I can seriously think about bailing on Niall. “Don’t you think it’s bad form, canceling the date only hours in advance?”

Niall and I are going to a restaurant tonight after both are classes have ended. He is going to pick me up here and then we were going to take the bus to the city.

“You’re not actually thinking about canceling, are you?” Hansa asks, astonished. “Boa, don’t. While I do agree with Sofia that you’re not over Zayn, I think Niall can help you with that. Falling in love is the best medicine against heartache.”

“You know what, I’ll think about it for another hour and then I’ll decide,” I promise my friends. I don’t want to be the cause for another argument between them.

Both Sofia and Hansa agree after they promise each other they won’t try to convince Bao of their standpoint from then on out. It was Hansa who proposed this, she had a class right away while Sofia and Boa had one hour left before theirs began.

Boa and Sofia spend this hour watching TV up until Sofia suddenly switches it off. A rerun of Gilmore Girls has just ended when the screen all of a sudden goes black.

“What’s going on?” Bao asks, confused.

She turns to her friend, who’s sitting next to her on the couch with red cheeks and downcast eyes. Her hands tremble as she lays the remote on her lap. Why is she so nervous?

“If I tell you something, do you promise it won’t leave this room. You can’t even tell Hansa.” Sofia lifts her head and looks at me with pleading eyes.

“I promise,” I tell Sofia.

Could Sofia’s secret be what I think it is? Is there maybe hope for Hansa?

“I think I’m in love with a girl. Hansa to be more precise.” Sofia’s cheeks turn an even darker shade of red. Her eyes fall back to her hands. She starts fiddling with her fingers.

“Why do you think you are?” I ask.

I grab her hands and squeeze them, letting her know that it’s okay. She doesn’t have to be afraid, she can tell me anything.

“I keep thinking about her. I get nervous when she’s around. I dream of kissing her.” Sofia’s voice trembles as she admits all these things.

“Have you been in love with a girl before?” I ask.

Sofia nods her head and suddenly, tears are spilling down her cheeks. Her voice breaks as she says, “I’ve never been in love with a boy. I like sleeping with them, but I don’t think I can ever fall in love with them. I think I may be gay.”

I don’t encounter resistance when I pull Sofia into my arms and a second later, she starts to cry on my shoulder. Her whole body is trembling as my t-shirt slowly becomes wet.
“It’s alright. It’s alright,” I whisper as I rock back and forth.

I’m burning to say that things aren’t as bleak as they seem. Hansa is in love with Sofia as well. But Hansa hasn’t admitted to herself that she’s in love with Sofia. I would be doing a both my friends a disservice. I would out Hansa when she isn’t even out of the closet and I would be giving Sofia what may end up being false hope. No, as long as Hansa doesn’t tell me that she’s in love with Sofia, there’s nothing I can do.

It takes Sofia a full fifteen minutes to calm down again. When she’s stopped crying, she pulls out of the embrace and smiles at me. “Sorry for crying all over you.”

“It’s alright,” I reply. I smile back at her. “It’s what friends are for.”

As my class starts in ten minutes, I get up from the couch and go to my room to get my stuff. When I have put everything in my bag, I duck back into the living room to say goodbye before I leave. Sofia has switched the TV back on but she turns to me when I walk into the room.

“You sure you going to be okay? I can skip this class,” I lie. I can’t really skip this one, but I’m willing to lose half a point if my friend needs me. It’ll still probably be a high grade.

“No. It’s alright. You don’t have to. I’m alright,” Sofia assures me. She smiles at me to show my just how okay she is.

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. Now go.” Sofia makes a shooing motion with her hand.

I do what I’m told and leave.

Eight hours later, I’m waiting on the couch in the living room for Niall to ring the doorbell. I’m dressed in a red, woolen top and black skinny jeans. I’m wearing golden earrings and the shoes on my foot are black pumps.

My stomach is in knots. I’m going on a date with someone who isn’t my ex for the first time in my life.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to cancel on Niall. Sofia might be right, she may be not, but the fact is that I had been looking forward to the date. And so did Niall. So, I ended up not calling it off. And now I’m waiting anxiously for Niall to arrive.

The doorbell suddenly rings. Hansa, who’s sitting next to me, grins at me. “Go on, get the door.”

With wobbly legs, I walk into the hall and with trembling hands, I open the door. Niall is suddenly standing in front of me, in all his glory.

He is dressed in a white shirt with sleeves that show off his biceps and blue jeans. His hair is fashionable messy and his pink lips are pulled back in a smile.

“You look great,” he tells me as his eyes go up and down my body. I can feel my cheeks redden at the compliment.

“Thank you. You look great as well,” I tell him.

“Thank you. So, shall we go, then?” He offers me his arm and I take it, a grin on my lips.
While we make our way to the restaurant, we talk about our classes. He tells me about a fellow student he needs to work with on a project. The bloke is a real pain in the arse. Niall needs to do most of the work and what he does, he does very badly and Niall ends up
having to do that as well. When he’d asked his professor if he couldn’t work with someone else, the professor had replied by saying that after graduation, they sometimes are going to need to work with lazy people and that this was a good opportunity to learn how to handle those kinds of people.

When we arrive at the restaurant, the first thing I notice is that it’s very blue. The walls are painted blue and the furniture is painted just a different shade of blue. The bar is a dark shade of green. There’s no mistaking the food that’s served here. Niall has taken me to a seafood restaurant.

An usher takes us to our table and we sit down. Niall doesn’t immediately grab the menu like I do. Instead, he looks at me and asks, “You do like seafood, right?”

“Yeah, I do,” I tell him and snicker. “You should’ve probably asked me before taking me here.”

“That would’ve been a good idea,” Niall admits. “Thank God I guessed right.”

“Would you’ve taken me somewhere else if I told you I didn’t like seafood just then?”
Niall nods his head solemnly. “Of course.”

“You really are a gentleman, aren’t you,” I tease Niall.

“Of course,” Niall replies and he nods his head. A second later, a smile bursts forth.
This is what the first part of the dinner is like, Niall and I joking while we sip our drinks and eat the bread with garlic butter. When our food has arrived, - I ordered a seafood pasta and Niall ordered squid rings with chips and a salad - we move on to more serious topics.

Louis, the guy that Sofia slept with when I first met Niall four days ago, has become obsessed with a girl who doesn’t want anything to do with him. She’s in love with another boy. According to Niall, Louis almost never falls in love but if he does, it’s always deeply. This makes the situation even more painful.

I would’ve loved to talk to Niall about Hansa and Sofia, but I can’t. I swore to both of them I would never tell their secrets to anyone. I can’t even make an acceptation for Niall. No matter how wonderful his hand feels on mine. It had found its way there as we talked about the few times that Louis had fallen in love.

Instead, I talk about how a friend I once had was the same way. I tell him this friend and are no longer keep in touch. This, of course, leads to Niall asking why this friend and I don’t talk anymore.

A lump gets stuck in my throat and for a moment, I can’t say anything. I try to cover my upset by taking a bite from my pasta but I can tell by the way that Niall looks at me, that he’s on to me.

“Was he a friend of you and Zayn?”

This is the first time that Niall as mentioned his name. It sounds strange, Niall saying it. It’s as if the Zayn Niall’s talking about is someone different than the person I’m talking about when I say that name.

“Yeah. It’s Liam. The other half of Zeeing Payne. We … eh… he and I were friends, once.”
Niall is looking at me with furrowed eyebrows. He looks confused for some reason. Maybe I’m not hiding how talking about Liam effects me, as well as I think I am.

“Zayn got him in the divorce? No shared custody?” he asks.

I can’t help but laugh at Niall’s analogy. Usually, it is used for things and pets, not people. I guess Liam is in Niall’s mind more a thing - a concept - then a person.

“No. He got full custody. It was my decision. They were friends first and they are in a group together.”

It was how I talked myself into believing that I’d done the right thing when I stopped calling Liam and no longer answered his calls. He still hasn’t given up, which isn’t so surprising seeing as Zayn and I have only broken up a week ago. It took the press a few days to catch up to the new development.

“You miss him?” It’s both a question as well as a statement.

“Yeah, ” I admit. I give Niall a wary smile. “But I need to move on. Put that life behind me.”
“That doesn’t have to mean you and that Liam bloke can’t be friends.”

So, no, Niall is not one of these guys who believe that boys and girls can’t be friends. He’s scored another point.

“Maybe I can be friends with Liam without thinking about Zayn in the future, but not right now,” I tell Niall.

Niall doesn’t press any further and changes the subject. Suddenly, we’re talking about the pros and cons of dogs and cats. It seems that unlike Sofia, Niall does believe that I know what I’m doing when it comes to handling the breakup.

After we’ve finished our dishes, we order ice cream as desert. The chocolate cake, which had sounded appetizing before we had our main course, sounded like too much the second time I read the menu.

While the ice cream is as delicious as the pasta, Niall’s hand is no longer on mine and I can’t help but wonder why. Maybe I shouldn’t have talked about my ex, seeing as this is our first date. I want to kick myself at my own stupidity.

Niall pays the bill and then invites me to go for a stroll. As I don’t want our time together to end just yet, I accept the invitation.

The place he takes me is a path next to the river that cuts the village in two. Hands in his jeans pockets, Niall walks next to me as we make our way silently down the river. There are benches lining the path and every three miles, there are lampposts illuminating the night.

“How long were you and Zayn together?” Niall suddenly asks, breaking the loaded silence.
This question comes really unexpected. I was sure that when he would break the silence, it would be to either say he is having a good time or that we’ve made a mistake by going on a date. But instead, he’s asking about my ex.

“Why’d want to know?” I ask, confused.

Niall stops walking. He turns to me with a solemn look on his face. What he’s about to say can’t be anything good. Dread grabs a hold on my heart.

“I don’t think you’re over him.”

So, Niall agrees with my friends without knowing he is not the only one thinking it. Could it be that I’m the one in denial? Could it be that in my heart of hearts, I know they’re right?

I can’t lie to him. I can’t tell him I’m one hundred percent over Zayn when I’m not sure that I am. It wouldn’t be fair, even if he believed me.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not,” I admit. I shrug my shoulders even though I can feel tears brimming in the corners of my eyes. I fear I know where this is going.

“I think we shouldn’t be dating until you are.”

There it is. My worst fear has been confirmed.

My lower lip trembles as I take a step forward into Niall’s personal space. He doesn’t move away, just stands there with sorrowful eyes. Even though he thinks he’s doing the right thing, he doesn’t want to do this. It gives me hope.

“Being with you is helping me, ” I tell. I grab his hand and try to smile at him. It falls flat. “Come on Niall, I’m in love with you. You have to believe me.”

“I do.” Niall shakes his head and takes a step back. His hand falls from mine. “It’s not that I don’t think you’re into me. It’s that Zayn still has a small piece of you. Until you get that piece back, I can’t be with you. It won’t be fair to the both of us.”

I must be deeper in love with Niall then I thought I was because this is hurting more than I thought possible. I feel like I’m going to fall apart at any minute. I want to beg, to scream. I’m willing to do anything to stop Niall from breaking things off.

But I don’t either of these things. Instead, I turn around and run away before I break down in front of him.

Above the roaring in my ears, I hear Niall yell after me, “I’ll wait for you.”

Notes