Ronan: To the Moon and Back

Rae has a secret. A small, not really important secret, but a secret all the same. When her house is dark and quite, when she gets home from a late night or double shift. When she comes back from the hospice after a long day, when her mother is still working and Kari is studying for upcoming exams and Liz is busy taking care of her four siblings. She hides it behind her smile, that mask she had crafted for years; Rae is lonely.

Not the kind of lonely where she constantly craves for attention or even for someone to love in her other ways her family and friends can't. She's just lonely when it's quite. Which is more often than not; when the silence is so loud she can hear the buzzing of the stillness and her own blood pumping through her body. All she has are her thoughts. Her thoughts that swirl up a storm in her brain, dark clouds closing in on her. It's when the clouds close in on her (like that dark one that haunts her dreams) she begins to panic.


Panicking all alone takes her a while to come back to herself. No one there to gently hold her hands, to guide her. To softly instruct her to breath; inhale, hold for two, exhale, out for two. It leads her to her bed a night, lying wide awake just staring at the ceiling and the soft glow of the Christmas light strung around her room. She can put music on, the soft notes of piano and acoustic guitars, but on those nights when she feels it the most, all it does is keep her up more. Tossing and turning, and sitting up, throwing off the duvet and sheets, organizing her room and photos, just to lay back down. Eyes exhausted and tired, rubbed raw, yet still stares up at the ceiling. Staring for so long without blinking, the light around the corners of her eyes slowly fade into dark shadows. Creeping over her vision until all the light vanishes. 


Maybe, just maybe that's why she can't sleep. After she blinks and realizes that the shadow was not of the Sandmans doing, but of her subconscious dreams seeping into her conscious state of mind. Some nights she doesn't want to fall asleep, for it brings her nightmare. Which has this fantastic habit of happening the night before a double shift. Her semi insomnia came whenever it felt like. The nights before a double shift, or an early morning visit to the Hospice to sit beside Ronan's during his eight hour chemo sessions. She just lies there until the sun breaks through the horizon and it's time for her to jump in the shower and get ready.

She hates it. She hates the way she feels so alone in those moments. How her chest clenches with spasms when her thoughts are just too much to handle by herself. Her nails scraping her skin while she tries to stop the pain. It's the silence, really. It all comes down to the absolute silence. She loathes it the most. She hates that empty feeling, almost like she was abandoned and she can't figure out why. Like how she felt after her father left. How she felt after her cousins death, coming home from the funeral with dry eyes, but a mauled chest under her dress. As if they took parts of her without caring about the hole it would leave behind. Sometimes her anxiety would flare and all she wants to do is reach out for someone, anyone. She finds herself actually doing so at times, before realizing no one was there, and her hand clutching at a pillow. No one is there, just the silence screaming in her ears.


Rae despises her secret.


So maybe that's why she is currently trying not to doze off on Harry. He has been telling her a story about his radio DJ friend as he is cooking her an early dinner. She had a horrible nights sleep beforehand, laying awake in bed, just over her flu with the sound of a lingering cough. Her sickness kept her up, despite constant care from Louis and spiked tea either with whiskey.

Louis, after the fifth day of taking care of Rae, got a surprise visit from his girlfriend. Who apparently demanded that Harry let her in their flat, asking why Louis was out at such late hours. Which Niall, who was there at the time as well, countered with a "Why the bloody fuck are you here at such late hours? Was Starbucks close and you had nothing better to do? 

All according to Harry, who witnessed it all. Rae kind of loves Niall. She also felt really bad, didn't want to cause any tension or issues. Though Zayn let it slip one night that the tension in their relationship had been there long before Louis even met Rae. That they're all just waiting for the day it ends, and had sat there, biting her nail and trying to ignore the weird flutter in her stomach.

So Louis sends Harry over to pick her up, as an apology, promising a real home cooked meal and not some canned soup and saltine crackers. She only agreed, if he would be her next photo project. Rae welcomed Harry's invitation warmly, grateful for him genuinely wanting to be her latest photoshoot subject. Something to do with various sizes of dimples, or beautiful body flaws or maybe just whatever he was cooking because it smells so good and she can't be bothered remembering in her current state of her sleep deprivation.

Harry apologizes that Louis isn't there, explaining his absence due to a last minute date with his girlfriend. Of course. Rae had rolled her eyes, her sass leaking through. She couldn't be bothered, nor did she reprimand herself when Harry caught her. He just chuckled and seemed to agree. Then after posing for several pictures, he offers to cook her dinner because "you look like you're going to fall over and break that camera of yours and then you can't sneak photos of Louis anymore." 

Rae just blinked at that and decided that Harry's knowledge of her developing crush (and whoa, did that thought come from no where, which isn't actually true. One can feels things for someone who willing takes care of you while bent over the toilet sick) could be ignored until the next day.

She's exhausted by the time they finish shooting, mainly because Harry is an actual child and goofs off by posing differently at the last second. She thinks it's his way of cheering her up. So she snuggles up on the couch waiting for Harry to finish cooking that meal that was promised. When he is, he calls her out of her drift into dreamland. They eat, baked chicken and rice, because despite Rae swearing she feels fine, Harry's still on about her stomach being sensitive, with simple small talk. She offers to help clean up, but Harry just shoos her away telling her to ready her camera again.

Rae indignantly heads upstairs into Harry's room, grabbing her camera on the bed and plopping down with one leg tucked under her. It was a mistake sitting down. Harry's bed is so unbelievably soft, with a velvety top duvet and fluffy pillows. It's just so inviting, calling out sweetly to her while the fingers of exhaustion pull her in deeper. Maybe if she just lays down for a bit, as Harry cleans, it wouldn't be so bad. She places the camera on the bedside table, and slowly fall sideways onto the pillows.

*

Harry finishes cleaning, turning on the dish washer, and grabbing the two cups of tea he brewed, then slowly treks up the stairs. "You only want a few more photos, yeah? How do you-" He cuts off mid sentence when he entered his room. A warm smile spreading across his lips, but was soon laced for utter concern of the girl in his bed.

Rae is curled up, knees level with her hips, braided hair across the pillow behind her like twisted rope. One of her hands lay beside her face, crossed over the other which is gripping the duvet much too tight for someone who is supposedly asleep. She was exhausted and Harry knew it, saw it the second she opened the door for him. He thinks he ought to inform Louis of this concerning lack of sleep Rae seems to be getting, though that is more than likely useless, since he more than likely already knows. Which is why he was so adamant on sending Harry to pick her up. He did spend five days with her, and five days is a rather long time to just sit and read someone.

Maybe it's all too much for her, Harry thinks, making his way quietly to her. He cautiously pulls back the duvet she is half laying on, now covering her body with the soft material. She does too much, carries too much, according to Louis. Two jobs, her photography hobby, paying bills with her mother and a little brother in Hospice, who she visits every chance she has. Harry gently pushed back her long bangs, turning to leave when a soft grip catches his fingers.

"Stay?" Rae mumbles, her eyes fluttering open.

Harry raises an eyebrow.

"Um- I mean...please?" She stumbles, a little slurred due to exhaustion. "I don't like...like being alone. And Louis- he sometimes does, did when I was sick...but you don't have to. I just-" She cut herself off with a yawn, hiding her face in his pillows.


"Yeah, Rae." Harry chuckles, "I'll stay with you. It's alright." He sits beside her on the bed, slowly rubbing up and down her arm. "Been having trouble sleeping?"


"Haven't slept in two days." She confesses, snuggling deeper into the pillows, eyes slipping shut.


Harry frowns. He definitely needs to tell Louis. "Why?"


"Hmm? Dunno. Alone, don't like it. 'M sleepy."


"Hush then," He chides gently. "Sleep. You can stay here tonight."


"Lou-"


"Would love if you stayed." Harry insists. "He quite likes you, Rae."


"He quite likes his girlfriend." Rae says that much clearer, blue eyes popping open to find forest green ones.


Sighing, fingers now tangling with ends of her hair, Harry starts with a "Barely-"


"Shh. M'sleepy." Though as she says this, Rae can't close her eyes anymore. She doesn't want to. Not after suddenly remembering the reason for the two previous sleepless nights. She has that Dark Shadow nightmare again, each time waking up panicking. Alone. Panicking all alone in her dark, empty house.

Harry must have noticed her change in expression, for he shifts a little closer and trails his fingers along her back, swirling around different patterns.

"What wrong, Raelyn?" He questions quietly.

"Don't want to sleep anymore." She says, attempting sit up.

Harry isn't having it. "Oh no. You need to sleep, lovey. It's not healthy to stay up 48 hours straight."

Raelyn shamelessly lets out a whine of protest, rolling onto her stomach, face pressed deeply into Harry's pillow with her arms buried under it. Harry doesn't miss a beat in his back tracing, new position only allowing it to be easier.

"Why don't you want to sleep?"

"Nightmares." 

"Ah." He sounds, then thinks for a moment. "Do you fall asleep to music?"

"S'times."

"I could sing something for you?" Harry suggests sheepishly. "Louis told me he sang while you were sick. I mean, I'm not Louis. Can't make you fall in love with me from just my voice-"

"I hate you. Like, Grinch hating Christmas hate, right now." Rae talks into the pillow, pulling out her arm and flipping him the bird.

"Lies. No presents for your birthday next week." Harry scolds jokingly. He grabs Rae's finger and puts it down.

Rae pops her head up, eyeing him suspiciously. "How'd you know it was my birthday next week?"

"Someone may have inquired that information from a certain little boy."

"He's a stalker." She informs flatly, then replaces her head back on the pillow. "I do not love him, you absolute tit."

Harry pokes her head. "Language," (Rae scoffs) "you feel something for him."

Silence. Nodding because he knows he is undoubtedly right, he asks "Do you have a request?"

Rae finally turns back over, allowing herself some air and settling her head back on the pillow. "Would it be awkward to sing an Ed Sheeran song?"

"'Course not. Which one?"

"Wake Me Up. Please?"

"Sure." Harry gently pats her back in agreement. "Close your eyes, Rae, and just like- don't think of anything else, clear your mind alright? Just take a deep breath and listen to the song."

Rae's eyes slip shut, trying to wipe her mind clean as best as she can, focusing on Harry's voice, crooning softly beside her. She sighs deeply, feeling her body shut down with exhaustion, and focusing on the rocky, soothing tone of Harry's voice. It must have worked, for she falls asleep before her favorite lyric.


**************************************************************************************

Notes