Ronan: To the Moon and Back

It's one of those rainy days in November. Those days when the crack of thunder acts an an alarm clock, rain hammering against the glass of the window, and lightning illuminates the dark gray sky. When the power goes out on the street, but at Rae's house it has already been out for the past 24 hours, due to the one bill she had to sacrifice in order to pay the Hospice bill instead. She awoke from the clash and rattle of the thunder, sitting up lethargically in bed with the duvet tangled around her legs in the silent stillness of her room. All she wants to do is go back to sleep buried under the covers and allow the rain to lull her back into dreamland. 

She can't. Can't because its one of those days when reality hits harder than necessary; filled with pessimistic thoughts, rude strangers and red traffic lights,. Misleading puddles deeper than they looked, and crap coffee and cold tea. Those days when the hospital feels colder than usual, when another innocent soul is called up to the Heavens, traveling on the wings of angels. When the little twins grow weaker by the day. When a little blue eyed boy could no longer fake a smile and ignore the pain coursing throughout his body, bright eyes now dimmed and watery to match the London weather. When he is just too weak, too exhausted to even shift his small legs.

Raelyn had lived through plenty of those days for the past three and a half years, not becoming any easier each time. Like sitting next to her sick brother's bed in a children's hospice surrounded by children of the same likelihood was ever an easy task in itself. No, those days were never easy and this gloomy day isn't any different.

"Make it stop, Mummy." Ronan's mumbles weakly. He is tucked under the white sheets with his blue stars and spaceships blanket over him. Cuddled in his arms is his stuffed Stitch, half the size of him. 

"I'm trying, baby." MaryAnn coos gently running her hand along the soft bare skin of her sons head, placing loving kisses on his forehead. "I'm trying. You'll be ok. Mummy will make it go away. You're my brave little man."

Rae is sat in the awful pink chair opposite of her mother, on the other side of the bed. She feels tightly wound, with her legs crossed, clenching together, one arm tucked closely to her stomach, hand gripping the fabric of her shirt. Her teeth are pressed together so hard, she is certain she's giving herself a well induced headache. But she can't let herself relax or settle, not with her other hand being held feebly by Ronan, otherwise her impending attacks would happen and she was lose it in front of her brother and mother. She never allows that to happen, no matter how painful the spasms that shoot through and grip at her chest are.

Her chest spasms are nothing compared to Ronan's pain, or her mothers. So no, she couldn't allow herself a moment of weakness, not in front of her small knit family. She has to be strong for both of them, like she has been. Especially her mother, who cries at night on the rare times she is home to do so. Who works so hard with long hours stretching through the night just to pay bills and barely get by. Her mother who feels incredibly guilty for having to leave her eldest child alone most of the time, and not spending enough of it, unwillingly of course, with her youngest. 

Rae had seen her mother receive the news about her baby, her only son. Had seen her fight and cry and go through a divorce while still juggling a sick child, a teenager and the denial of the lowly, scum of Hell, bastard of a man that used to be her husband. So Raelyn has taken it upon herself to be silently strong for her mother. To be there for Ronan when she couldn't and reminds him of how much their mother loves him, to put a smile on his face.

Raelyn is breaking, however. She can't hold back her emotions much longer. Her body had begun trembling in her chair, having nothing to do with the temperature of the room, or the chill of the cold rain. It has everything to do with the heartbreaking words Ronan keeps whimpering and her mothers promises to him. 

"Sissy...sissy..." Ronan now cries in her direction, eyes wide and terrified. "I don't like it. Ra-Ra. Can you sing to me, pwease?"

The room suddenly begins to slowly spin around her, a sure sign of her panic. "Will that make you feel better, Bud?" Rae questions softly, untucking her arm and lightly stroking his skin with her freed fingers.

Ronan simply blinks up at her. She takes a deep breath, ignoring the now painful clenching in her chest and trying to keep her breathing under control for just a few more minutes. 

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. 
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby. 
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue 
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops,
That's where you'll find me."

"Angels." Ronan interrupts quietly. 

"What?" Both Rae and her mum ask, shooting frantic looks at each other. 

"You sound like angels, Ra." Ronan fights out a brief smile. "Mummy said angels can make you feel better. That's what you sound like...I'm sleepy."

Rae just stares at her brother closing his eyes, stilling smiling, and no. She can not bare it any longer. "Mum." She breathes, desperately pleading with one word.

Her mother nods in understanding. "It's okay, darling. You can leave."

Rae is quickly out the door, after a chaste kiss to Ronan's forehead, speed walking through the halls and hoping to reach her little hiding place before anyone can see her. She's panting, short frantic little puffs of air, her hand digging at her chest as the waves crashed over her, tossing her internally. She come to her destination, falling forward and clutching at the cool marble window sill, now gasping for the air that seems too thin around her. She tries to get a hold of herself, fighting the memories of her nightmares and negative thoughts, long enough to think clearly. She feels the weight of her phone in her pocket and with a bit of miraculous clarity, digs it out. With shaky fingers she pulls up the correct contact and hits send. It rings three times before he picks up.

"I'm sorry I know you're busy and I shouldn't be calling, but like, I'm honestly pathetic and I can't talk to my mum. She can't see me like this because she'll just worry more and she doesn't need that right now and I don't want to be a burden to her or you, but like, I think I'm- I'm wigging out and I can't. I can't do this right now, anymore. I can't go back in there and pretend everything is okay and smile and laugh and force him to believe he's okay. That I can make the pain go away and make him feel better and get better but I can't. Because I'm not God or a doctor or anything special and all I can do is sit there and sing to him but that doesn't help and I think he knows. God, he knows it and I just can't take it anymore and I'm having a-a panic attack and oh my God-I-I can't breathe." Rae gets out in just two short breaths.

"Bloody hell, Raelyn." Louis says, concerned . "In and out. It's alright, love. Just in and out."

"I-I-I can't....Louis I can't do this-"

"Yes. Listen to me. Yes you can. Take a deep breath, in. Now out. See. Just like that. Again."

"I can't-"

"Raelyn. In and out. In for two, out for two." Louis coaches calmly. "Thatta girl. You're doing great, love. Keep doing that and close your eyes. Just, don't listen to anything around you, don't listen to your thoughts. Just hear my voice, yeah? Breath and count. Good. You're going to be alright. You're such an amazing sister, Rae. Ronan is going to be just fine. I bet he'll be back to coloring quirky little doodles again and begging Niall to teach him guitar in no time. He's a strong boy. He takes after his sister. Brave and strong. It's going be alright."

Louis continues to encourage her and it takes him at least 20 minutes to completely calm her down. Down to where her breathing is nearly normal and he can no longer hear her panic. He even started to sing her favorite song, learning she has a thing for Ed Sheeran a while back and that Give Me Love has this power to instantly settle her heart. It was mentioned in passing, one of the answers to Liam's questions during one of their regular lunch breaks. She's a bit surprised that Louis remembers that fact about her.

"Louis?" Rae speaks quietly after he finishes the song. Voice timid and small.

"Raelyn?" Is his response, just as soft.

Rae hesitates. She tends to be needy and crave some kind of comfort after her attacks, but confessing her next thought is rather nerve-wracking. "I wish...you could...could be...I." She inhales deeply, swears she hears Louis do the same. "Is it too much to ask if you can maybe. I just need-"

"Yes." Louis cuts her off gently. "I'll come get you, Rae." 

If Louis' understanding of what she needs completely calms her and pulls out a tiny relieved smile from her, she is quite okay with that.
*

He shows up ten minutes later, barely greeting Rae when she pulls him in front of her and hides behind his back she she stirs him towards Ronan's room. He does a quick check through the window before taking Rae's hand in his, and leading her into the room. Her fingers move to the sleeve of his jumper, gripping the material as her mother informs her that Ronan's pain had passed, a bright, tired smile on his little face when he sees Louis.

As Louis pulls silly faces and tells a silly joke to make her brother giggle, all she can think about is that Ronan is fine. For now at least, thanking God for it just being a little pain and nothing worse; like the condition Alexis and Amanda are in currently. She shakes her thoughts away because she doesn't need another panic attack. Rae bends over to kiss and hug Ronan while her mother pulls Louis aside, her fingers finally releasing his sleeve.

It's when they exit the Hospice walking out to the car park and stopping in front of Louis' car, does he turn and gives Rae the most comforting, and strong hug he's ever given her. His arms are tight around her shoulders and waist, one hand buried in her hair at the back of her head, keeping her face against his shoulder as she grips onto his back. She needs it. Needs the tight, almost suffocating hold that ties her metaphorical ship down. Louis is warm, if not a little damp from the rain that finally lightened up, and he smells like the lingering embers of fire and tea and rain. She revels in the fact that he just knows this is exactly what she needs. Like he knows how lonely she gets, how alone she is when she panics, mainly because she hides it from everyone else, hold in her burdens and worry until it breaks through just like today.

They finally, reluctantly pull back from each other, Rae offering a sheepish smile in return to Louis' kind one. He carefully places his right hand on her chest plate, like he can feel the heat of her marks on her skin through her shirt. He says nothing, and drops his hand. He opens the door for her, gets in himself after she's safely buckled and backs out of the car park. It's silent in the car, both not seeming to mind the quiet company of each other, listening to the rain putter on the roof of the car and against the glass.

"You know," Louis is the first to break the silence, "Harry tried shoving his inhaler through my phone. Said you needed it more than him."

Rae hides her smile behind her hand, looking over at Louis. He's got his own smile and returns her look when stops at a red light. "He would." Is her response, fondly shaking her head. "He's sweet."

"He's an idiot." Louis deadpans.

"A sweet idiot and you love him and I love him. The whole galaxy loves him because he's Harry and tries to force objects through a phone to help someone in need. Tell him I said thanks."

Louis agrees wholeheartedly. "You can tell him yourself. I'm bringing you to mine...if that's alright?"

Rae blanches, then shivers. "Did I interrupt something?"

"Not at all. Just a bit of a lads day."

"Sorry-"

"None of that, Rae." Louis jumps when the car behind him honks. He cruses and goes back to paying the road attention. Rae just laughs under her breath and reaches to turn up the heat. "Why so cold?" Louis asks, turning left then sparing a glance over at her.

"Heat's off at mine." Rae answers before she realizes she just opened room for more questions.

"How come? It's bloody freezing today." Louis is frowning, she can see it in the tilt of his mouth.

"Because...the sun isn't out?" 

Louis shoots her a skeptical look. "Raelyn..."

"It's been turned off." She mumbles, sinking down in her seat.

"Why's that? It's nearly winter. You'll freeze your bollocks off."

"I don't have bollocks thank you very much. It's off because I- well. I didn't pay the electric...I couldn't. Ronan's hospital bill was higher than last months because of some new testing, so I had to give up something. Figured I could just work more hours and pay it in a few days."

Louis pulls up to a nice looking complex, hidden away from public eyes, parks, then turns to look fully at her. "Are you mad? You already work over full time hours. You hardly have time to visit Ronan anyway. How do you have time to eat or sleep or-"

"I don't." Rae states nervously.

"Don't...don't what?"

"Sleep....often. I mean, I sleep but not...like, normally?"

Louis' mouth drops a fraction.

"I cant! It's not like I want to stay up all night and stare at my ceiling. I have this nightmare and I just can never go back to sleep and-stop looking at me like that!"

Louis shakes his head, and fixes his expression to concern. "Point is," He waves his hand around, "I don't think you should work more than you already do. It's insane."

"How'd you suppose I pay bills, Louis? I can't just lounge around my house all day. I'm not some lucky, international popstar-"

"Hey!"

The second the words leave her tongue, Rae slaps her hands over her mouth, eyes wide and regretful, Louis' looking at her with a well deserved offended expression. 

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it in that way." Her words are muffled behind her hand. 

There's a tighness around the corners of his mouht, like he's biting back a retort. Louis seems to think it over, and suddenly his annoyance melts away. He reaches up to pulls her hands away, squeezing her fingers in forgiveness. "Don't worry about it, Rae."

She refuses, shaking her head. "I'm just didn't want anyone to find out how much we struggle sometimes. I have to take those hours."

"But not more hours, love. You'll crack."

"Apparently." She huffs.

"Nope. I said don't worry about it. You've had a rough day. I understand." Louis smiles brightly at her. Smiles and pulls his cross eyed face until she's at least smiling back and not looking so guilty. "I can help you, you know. I mean, I am an international-"

Rae's eyes widen when she realizes what he's getting at. "No. absolutely not. No way."

Louis protests. "Rae-"

"I will not, Louis."

"If i just lend you a little-'

"No! I can't accept any money from you. No."

"Raelyn-"

"Louis, please." Her annoyance flares. "I appreciate it, really, but I could never. Now. Are we just going to sit here and admire the outside of your flat or..."

Louis dramatically returns Rae's hands by dropping them into her lap, rolling his eyes. Rae hip checks him once they're entering the flat, silently letting him know that their little argument meant nothing and they're still good. Louis disappears for several minutes after her makes her a cup of tea instructing her to stay put in the kitchen. He doesn't come back, but instead sends in Harry who proceeds to pull her towards the sitting room and double checks to make sure she no longer needs his inhaler. Niall passes her a beer, insisting for her to just relax and watch him kick Liam's arse in FIFA.

Rae ends up falling asleep an hour later, her body slumped and leaning against Louis' side, her feet resting on Zayn's lap. If the boys talk quietly over her about the pictures in the magazines (Louis forgets to apologize) and tease Louis restlessly about him dropping everything to pick her up, then so be it. They didn't have to know that he ended his call with his girlfriend to answer Rae's and he doesn't feel guilty about it for one second.

****************************************************************************************

Notes

Disclaimer: I literally have no idea what the weather is like in London during November...I'm from Florida.