Fearless

September 2nd, 2012

There was a cold drift caste by an open window in the Tomlinson manor. There were no pitter-patter of small feet running on dark hardwood floors or the scratches of fingers tracing patterns of decorations on the wall. There was no yelling or fighting over the remote or the crunching of the sofa springs being sat on. There was no laughter echoing off of old furniture or the breaths of a long day blending with the aroma of fresh baked goods in the air. There was no warmness to the atmosphere or sunlight peaking through the translucent curtains.

There was silence.

It was odd for a house of six to be so quiet, especially when there were guests over. Whispers couldn't fill the void of emotion in the room as everyone sat congregated in the lounge area. They sat on designated seats on the sofa, not knowing what to say at the frozen image of a home video on the flat screen television.

A mix of embarrassment and heartache filled Rosie as she sank into the floral couch, wanting to shrink further into the harsh cotton. She couldn't stop the stares of old friends and family members. She knew they didn't know what to say or how to react. She played with the crescent moon on her finger, sliding it off and on her pinky, trying her best to ignore the boy beside her playing with his shirt. They both tried to make themselves small in the room full of people but for different reasons.

Unlike Louis, Rosie was constantly reminded of her best friend's departure, knowing full well of the way they started. She remembered every detail up to the present memory and it was written all over her face. Louis, on the other hand, was finally reminded of how innocent and pure their friendship once was -- and knowing full well that it wasn't like that anymore.

It was Simon's fault for forcing them to do this. Rosie knew that it was him and his team's way of rubbing in Louis's behaviour in his face to ensure that he'd change but it was more damaging than helpful. The nervous shaking of Louis leg and the heaving inhaling of air was slowly getting on her nerves. She heard every gulp he took in and every grind of his teeth. She knew he was going to explode but she didn't know when. She had thought they were even: he stood up for her in the bar and she listened to him without judgement. But as a frozen picture of a young Louis' excited face illuminated the screen, the silence ringed in her ears; she couldn't help but feel protective of Louis. Everyone's motives were in the right place, but after the conversation they had, she felt as though they were ganging up on him by toying with his head more than he was doing to himself.

They had just watched the first time the pair met and declared their friendship. Their mothers thought it would help them rekindle what they once had but the tension was worse than ever.

"C'mon Boo! We'll be late!" Louis' mum called from downstairs.

"I'm coming, mummy!" A small voice called before trembling down the stairs on step at a time. The boy, not but five years old, with chubby cheeks and a bad haircut held onto a tall railing with all his might, smiling in the process. He was excited to meet his neighbour, and to get free cake from the girl's birthday. He talked about how he didn't particularly like girls but he did like cake. He figured that since his mum knew the parents, he should be okay.

The walk to the house was short, as they lived right beside each other. The boy commented on the streamers and balloons surrounding the fence and door, noting the sign that said 'happy fourth birthday'. The pair didn't bother knocking as they walked into the house with a loud greeting. The boy's mother told him to wait in the kitchen before immediately running to a red haired woman holding a baby. The camera was put on the dining room table, facing the the kitchen absentmindedly.

He rocked back and forth awkwardly on the heel of his feet on the wood floors until he paused, feeling something on his neck. He stopped right away, looking forward.

"Boo!" the voice whispered right in his ear, making him jump in fright. He turned to find a frizzy blonde haired girl holding her stomach, bent over in laughter. "Oh my gosh... that was..."

"Not funny!" He pouted, crossing his arms in embarrassment, but as she continued to laugh, his embarrassment subsided, his pout was replaced with a smile.

After a few moments, she finally calmed down, but the boy stood patiently observing her reddening cheeks, no longer annoyed at the disturbance. He softly commented on her laugh, noting how it was infectious and sweet. A laugh was bubbling in his throat and he was suddenly okay with it. She apologized, a laugh still on her tongue. "I'm Rosalie, who are you?"

Her accent was different than his, harsher on points of the words than he was used to. Her accent was rough but her smile was soft - he knew she wasn't being serious. Even if she was different, the constant presence of the laughing girl physically calmed him.

"Rosawee," he repeated, his tongue twisting on the word.

"Rose-a-lee" She corrected slowly, not bothered by his confusion.

"That's what I said," he pouted, crossing his arms stubbornly. His face sold him out but she
was patient with him.

She gestured to a bar stool that was tucked into the counter, climbing onto to the monstrous chair. She pulled her hair that had fallen in front of her vision back from her face and waited him to follow her actions. "No, you said," she paused and mimicked his high voice, "Rosawee."

"Nuh uh!"

"Uh ha!"

They went back and forth for a moment, slowly building in smiles and laugher. It wasn't until they took a second to look at each other to break into fits of giggles.

Louis smiled, "Well, I'm sorry I can't say it right. It's so long. Do you have a nickname?"

"What's that?"

"It's a shorter name, a fun name. Why don't I call you..." He thought for a moment, tapping his chin in concentration. "Rosie! Cause your face are always rosy red," He said with a proud grin.

"Louis!" His mother called. A smile was in her tone as she picked up the camera. She muttered something under her breath before calling over the boy again, too caught up in the girl in front of him to listen. "Boo Bear! Love, come meet Mrs. Smith."

He finally looked over with red cheeks, he looked down and started to climb off of his seat before he was interrupted by the young girl.

Rosie snorted a laugh, a smile grazing her face. "Boo bear?" She repeated. "Well, if you call me
Rosie, then I'll call you... Lou Bear! Is that okay?"

He slid off the chair catching his feet on a step and noticed her follow his actions. He smiled widely, nodding in the process. "I like you, Rosie. You're my new best friend."

She smiled, taking his hand after she safely landed and guiding him to the two older women.
The camera moved suddenly, unsteadily downwards towards the couple with small whispers of how cute the pair looked, running towards the camera.

"Are you two getting along well, Rosalie?" Her mother was out of shot but still noticeable. Louis paid close attention to her, noting that she had a stronger accent than her daughters. Louis finally looked back at his mother, smiling and waving at the camera that she was holding excitedly.

"Yes, mummy. We're best friends!" Her eyes were a crystal blue eyes were looking at her her new acquaintance, and the more she spoke, the wider her smile was, revealing a missing tooth in the process. "I'm going to go out in the yard to go show him to um... co-oghaichean. Nuair as urrainn dhomh seinn?"

The boy asked her what that meant, not understanding her language. "I asked her when I could sing."

"You sing?" he asked giddily, losing his confusion within a second.

She looked at her mom again, speaking in her strange tongue. She barely waited for her mother to respond when she sped off into the opposite direction.

"Girls are cool!" Louis raved, turning to quickly follow his new best friend.

Rosie's mother coughed, breaking the deafening silence. "Want to watch something else? That was lovely wasn't it." The redheaded woman propositioned. A smile graced her face as she jumped out of her seat gracefully, heading towards the box of home movies. Her fuller figure crouched down to the cardboard box, moving old VHS taps around. "What about the play you guys did a few years ago... Grease? That was one of the better school plays I've seen, I think. Perhaps we could watch this one: there's no label or anything so it could be a surprise! Or we could watch Rosie's first piano concert when..."

"I think that's enough actually," Louis decided, sitting up on the edge of the sofa, clapping his hands in dismissal.

"Yeah, that is enough, mum," Rosie mimicked, standing abruptly looking at Louis. She noticed his arms trembling slightly and his face pensive. He looked like he was looking for a way out so she decided to give it to him. "You said you wanted to show me something in your room?"

"What?" Louis furrowed his eyebrows. "No I didn't-"

Rosie gave him a look, widening her eyes and raising an eyebrow to gesture to play along. "You know, that thing..." said Rosie, attempting to get the message across. Louis looked at her, confusingly shaking his head. She rolled her eyes and stood. "Jesus Christ, Louis, just come."

He followed her in a confused daze up the dark carpeted stairs as she lead him to his room. She stopped mid step, realizing that she didn't have a right to walk through his house like she owned it. She no longer felt protective of him after they left the group. She didn't know what she was doing. Rosie felt strange walking through the corridors of his house. Everything was just as it was it once was the last time she was here with him but she never thought in her wildest dreams that the thing that would change within these walls were their friendship. She gestured him to go in front of her and only continued walking when he did.

The door closed quietly behind Rosie as Louis laid on his bed with a squeak of the mattress springs, resting his hands on his face. She leaned on the door with a small sigh, tilting her head slightly upward. She noticed the matching glow in the dark stars he had sticking to his ceiling and smiled before looking at him.

"Barely a week and I'm all ready pulling you out of trouble," Rosie breathed in. As much as she was uncomfortable and embarrassed, she still tried to lighten his tensing mood. Simon had put pressure on her to make sure Louis acted right and even though she never signed anything, this one time couldn't hurt.

He nodded. "That was rough," Louis answered honestly, groaning into his hands. She could tell that he was thankful but she knew that his pride was too big to say otherwise. He noticed the small girl leaning on the door and awkwardly asked, "Do you want to sit?"

She watched as he made room for her, sitting up on the edge of his bed, sinking into himself. He looked up at her with tired eyes and dark stubble that lined his jaw. It was the first time she felt bad for him. He was skinnier than he used to be, his face more defined with thinner skin and dark bags. She could tell how sad his as he waited patiently on his side of the mattress. His posture was small and fragile, his hair was a mess; there was no trace of an ego.

She carefully walked over to where he sat, slowly sitting a fair distance away from him. Rosie had gotten herself in an uncomfortable position. Like Louis, she hadn't thought of something as simple as their first meeting in a long time. Although she was constantly reminded of his neglect, the video made her think a lot about automatic patience and happiness she had with him in a simple short meeting; it reminded her of something she lost since he had been gone: trust.

"I forgot I gave you the name Rosie," he mumbled looking at his hands. "I think it suits you better than Rosalie."

She cringed, hating the way it sounded on his tongue, "Don't."

He lowly chuckled, smiling at the creases in his palms. His smile faded as silence fell over the room. She could hear his breaths escaping from his chapped lips as they sat. There was nothing coming to mind to talk about. She sat awkwardly on the foot of his bed; realizing that she didn't really want to talk.

"I noticed you moved," Louis started again, moving further onto the bed so his feet wouldn't touch the ground. "I went over last night and let's just say that it wasn't pretty."

Rosie cracked a smile, imagining him climbing up the side of her old house, hopping onto the balcony and seeing the horror on the face of the person who resided in her old room. "We moved out just after X Factor."

Louis cleared his throat, not ready for the response. "Why?"

She shrugged in response, feeling uncomfortable talking about the real reason. "Couldn't afford it anymore."

He rubbed his face, muttering something under his breath. He glanced over her. "Where, um, where do you live now?"

"The white building on Fifth," said Rosie, nonchalantly. The area wasn't the best -- it had a bad reputation in town. It was actually the only apartment building in the entire area; it was affordable and spacious. If it wasn't more-or-less occupied by its current inhabitants and taken care of, it would theoretically be perfect.

"What?" He whisper-shouted, tensing his fists. "Isn't that where all the-"

"It's cheap and shelter, Louis," Rosie simply said, dismissing his obscure look.

Another silence filled the air as the couple sat side by side, not knowing what to say to each other. She couldn't help but feel the underlying feeling of betrayal simmered in the pit of her stomach that she kept hidden for so long. The weight of the loss of a friend was dawning on her again and it scared her. Sitting beside him made him feel attainable but talking to him said otherwise. She felt as though he was so far gone. She couldn't relate to him or grasp why he hates himself so much. Her natural instinct was to console him but she didn't understand him and she was still hurt.

Louis cleared his throat and moved slightly closer to the girl. "I appreciate our talk from the other night."

"It was well needed," Rosie said watching from the corner of her eye as he tested his luck inching closer to her. She didn't stop him, but she made it clear that she was still upset.

"I miss stuff like that." He settled beside her, thighs barely touching. His hands rested on his knees awkwardly.

"No, you don't," Rosie stated.

Louis looked at her and shook his head. "I do actually. It made me feel," he paused, trying to find the right words, "...safe."

Rosie thought he sounded rehearsed. It was odd knowing that despite all the security he had, he still felt unprotected. She understood some of the psychology behind it -- she did her best to. She researched, asked teachers. She wanted to know why he was being like this. She did all of that: two years ago. She thought she knew who the new Louis was. But being face to face with him telling her that he no longer felt vulnerable when he was with her told her she didn't. Louis was cunning: he knew how to get under her skin.

"If you're willing to, I want to make it up to you."

Rosie breathed and rubbed her bare face, feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety come over her. She felt trapped. This is worse than her last confrontation with her ex boyfriend. "It's just," she paused looking up at him, "not the same as before."

Louis' confidence faded, nodding his head in understanding. "I know what I did was terrible, just leaving you like that," he admitted. "I thought about it and I know that feeling of being alone. And like what Simon said, you were the only consistent thing in my life. I just... thought I'd ask."

The nauseating feeling of petty crept back into her mind as she gazed at the defeated boy. She felt as though she had every right to say no, he shouldn't make her feel bad for that. "Don't play that shit, Louis." She was about to say something, but she stopped, changing her tone. "I just don't trust you anymore. Not like before. It would take a long time to change that."

He looked up through his eyelashes as she sighed. Rosie could tell that he thought that that was a glimmer of hope. She wanted to run. But she felt obligated to stay. He asked her with contained excitement, "What can I do to make it up to you?"

She bounced her legs off of the side of the mattress as her legs were too short to touch the floor. She had no idea about how to make the last two years without him better. For awhile, it felt like a lost cause for her too. She watched her friend take advantage of a dream that they shared as she felt alone in a town that didn't feel like her home anymore. She did try to understand what he meant when he said he felt safe with her. There was too much history to just throw away and the only thing that stood in the way of making up was Rosie at this point. She wanted to keep her dignity. She didn't want to waste her hard work rebuilding herself. But she also didn't want him to self destruct more. She had a dilemma: to continue being a confusing acquaintance or to be mature and find away to work this out. He can't replace time, but he can make up for it.

"I have an idea."

Notes