e i g h t y - respect.
//I will never be able to see myself the way you see me//
A breath gets stuck in my throat as Julianne turns around, her hands roughly grab my face and she yanks me towards her. I seize her waist, trying to maintain my balance and tame her - both seem impossible at the moment. With all of the force she holds inside of her, she pushes her lips against mine and before I even realize it - I'm practically swallowing her tongue. She's in control now, there isn't much I can do other than appreciate the kiss. I close my eyes tightly, trying to comprehend who this person is because last time I noted, Julianne isn't bold and brave, at least not to this extent. I have faith in her, but damn I didn't know she held this much power inside of her. I like it, I think. Yeah.. I.. I do like it.
Thousands of thoughts race through my head, how should I respond to this? Without thinking, I pull myself away from her hungry lips, tilting my body back so her height couldn't reach my face. She frowns at the loss of contact, her hands slide to my chest and she sinks her fingernails into my skin. I wince lightly at the pain, she needs to trim them. I don't dare mention that, though, I'm already in enough trouble as it is.
"You always stop." She mutters softly, her eyes staring holes straight through my own. I shake my head in denial at her statement, "Baby, you.. you need to calm down some.. I.. I just didn't expect that." I try to defend my actions, but it obviously seems as if she doesn't believe that. "You always stop, Harry. Even when you tell me.. you'd do anything.. you.. you stop." Julianne's hands fall from my body and she steps back, her eyes holding all of her emotions. Tears gather and within seconds they drip from her beautiful blue eyes, and travel rapidly down her flustered cheeks. "You don't want me.. Don't want me to even.. kiss you anymore." She doesn't ask this as a question, but instead says it as a fact. Even though, it's quite the opposite of that. It's a lie, to be more clear.
"Julianne, I do want you. There is nothing I want more on this earth." I am very quick to retort her words, I don't want her thinking that any longer. I'm sick of this game, this blame Harry shit - she doesn't let me explain myself, ever, and that's the thing that drags us into these arguments. She never gives me time to answer correctly, thoroughly.
"Then why do you fucking stop all the time. Harry! Tell me! If you fucking want me so bad then why do you stop!" Julianne yells harshly, her fists balled at her sides. I swallow the lump that began to form deep in my throat, she wants to know so now is the time to be honest with her. Hopefully she won't attempt to kill me, because as of this moment, she looks like she's about to try.
"I can't give you what you truly want, not now at least." Part of me regrets telling her this, but yet the other half doesn't really care anymore. "You know the story with Liam and Eleanor.. she was human, Julianne, and he completely destroyed her." My heart stings at the thought - I don't want to dare imagine Julianne and I in that situation, that terrible and tragic event took place decades ago - but still haunts us to this day. It will forever linger.
"Harry.. he was drunk." Julianne's sentence makes me wonder how she even trusts me. Does she not remember that night and how rough I got with her, how mean I was to her.. How cruel and horrific I acted. "Still, Julianne, even when I'm not drunk I can't control myself.. My.. I can't control that side of me. The animal.. the beast.. the fuckin' monster, Julianne. I'm not going to risk harming you. I'm sorry, but we can't do this." The feeling of an emotional breakdown is building inside of me, it won't be long until I stream tears.
"I.. I know you.. you have.. a hard time.. controlling that.. Harry, but.. you're.." She stops in a sigh, shaking her head slightly. Those beautiful eyes tear away from mine and she gazes at the floor for a moment. I decide to carry on, not wanting to wait on her - she's wrong about me, she really is. "A hard time? It's nearly impossible for me, Julianne. I can't explain it.. it's just.. complicated. Things will be better once you're like me.. and.. and you'll be able to.. to take a lot more, you won't be as fragile." Once more, I try to get this drilled into her head. I already know, however, that she won't comprehend it - she'll refuse to.
"I don't want to wait until I'm like you.. I.. I want this now.. or at least.. soon." Julianne runs her hand through her hair, pushing it out of her face. She lifts her head, her stare grabs onto mine. "I know.. and I'm sorry. I wish.. I wish things were easier." I observe her closely, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she looks directly at me. "You make things hard, Harry. It's easier than you believe."
"Julianne, you don't understand. Every time we've gotten intimate I've been unable to control the fuckin' monster that lives inside of me. It is not easy for me. And.. how would you even know? You're.. you've never-" Her scoff cuts me off, a sign that she's deeply offended by that. She rolls her eyes while crossing her arms on her chest. "No, I obviously haven't ever done it. But, Harry, I've seen you almost lose it and I've also stopped you from freaking out."
I can't stop my brows from furrowing at her words, God I hope she doesn't take that the wrong way. "At the service station.. when I.. I was sick and that kid was.. talking about you.. And when I found you in the kitchen that night.. and when you got hurt and-"
"Julianne." I stop her, not wanting to hear anymore of her supporting evidence. Yeah, she's handled me a few times but it's not the same. "Harry." She instantly fires back that same tone that I gave to her. "I know what you're thinking. You.. you're comparing yourself to Liam." She closes the distance she created, her hands return to my face but this time they are much more gentle. Her thumb slides over the end of my scar, while her other one touches one corner of my mouth. "Harry.. you're not him. You aren't Liam. You're nothing like him."
What breaks my heart is not what she said, but the tears that start to drip down her face. "I don't want you to ever believe that you're anything like him." That sweet voice is cracking, her emotions have gotten to her. I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek, I can't let her see me break down. I don't want her to think I'm weak. That's your problem, Harry, you're too afraid to cry in front of her. That makes you a coward.
She brings me from my mental trance, her lips softly touching against mine. I lean further down, so that she doesn't have to struggle so much. She leaves a few faint pecks on my lips before she starts to talk again. "I love you, Harry, more than anything. And I strongly believe we can do this.. everything's going to be okay." Her breath warms my face, making me smile just slightly. She notices and swipes her thumb over my bottom lip. She deserves a reply from me, so I'll give her the best one I can. "I can't promise you that we will make it all the way through.. but I can try."
"Is this alright?" I look over to where Niall sits at the island, his hands holding up the decorative frame. "Niall," I let out a sigh, he had one job. "I said to get a white one, not black. Do you have any paint?" I pinch the bridge of my nose, men can't do anything right. "I'm sure there's some in the shed.. Sorry, Soph. I thought you said black." He gives me an apologetic smile and a shrug, all I can do is sigh and smile at him. "It's fine, just.. go paint it and let it dry."
That frame was supposed to be white because white looks best in Harry's room - it's a nice contrast to his dark furniture. Niall nods to me as he goes towards the back door, at least he'll do something I ask. "Tell me again, Sophia, why you're going through all this trouble for Harry." Louis frightens me slightly as he appears from the living room, eyebrows raised high as he stares at me.
"Because, Louis, it's a nice gesture. And, besides, Harry does a lot for us.. we ought to not question it when others try to repay him." I give him a stern look, even though I'm aware it won't affect him very much. He rolls his eyes dramatically, "Repay him? For what? Leaving us? Running off your mate?-"
"Louis." I immediately stop him, because I already know where this conversation will lead if I allow him to continue with his stupid list. "Liam made a choice to leave. And.. I do believe it was best that he did." The look he's giving to me is full of pity, "Soph, you do have some power around here.. You should have stood up to Harry. Liam didn't do anything, Harry overreacted.. as usual." Louis must not understand who I'm up against - it's not like Perrie or Niall were the cause of the situation, it's Harry. Our Alpha.
"I don't have any power over Harry. Yes, he appointed some to me but.. but I can't fight against him, you know that." Thankfully Harry isn't around, I'd hate for him to overhear this talk I'm currently having with Louis - we'd both be in a great amount of trouble. "I'm jus'saying, if I were you.. I would have either went with Liam.. or told Harry to go suck some balls. He's an asshole, he runs over you like you're nothing, Soph."
"Okay, Louis, and? What am I going to do about that? He's the Alpha, I just can't buck up to him whenever I'm upset! It's done, alright! Liam will come around whenever he's ready." Normally, I don't obtain so much anger - but he's hit a nerve, and I'm very uncomfortable with that. "No, whenever Harry lets him. He's so concerned with Julianne he forgets how we might feel. How you might feel." Louis has a point, but I'm going to speak on it. I respect Harry, probably more than I should and definitely more than Louis does. He's the Alpha, I took the oath when I joined, I promised him my loyalty and I am not going to destroy that.
"You need to be concerned with Harry and what he knows because if he ever finds out you're still sleeping with Gemma after you've imprinted.. you're going to get the hell beat out of you, Lou." Honestly, I hope Harry does find out. Louis deserves to get punched in the face. He's leading poor Gemma on, he knows he can't do those things with her forever. He isn't even supposed to partake in any sexual actions - the girl he imprinted on is literally a child. He shouldn't have those thoughts, not towards anyone, and that has me wondering if something's wrong. Before I could further analyze it, Louis speaks up again. Always in the way.
"When are they coming back anyways?" He asks curiously, as if I know the damn answer. "I don't know.. probably not any time soon and I don't blame him. They deserve to have some peace and quiet."
Harry is supposed to be respected by all of us - but clearly some of us don't understand that, even after all these years and everything we've went through, they just can't comprehend it.
happy new year <3 I love you all and I hope you have a great year!!!
updates coming, of course! big announcements coming as well! Feedback is greatly encouraged xxxxxxx
-- expect a few more POV changes besides the usual Julianne and Harry :)