Beating Heart
f o u r - awake.
//Julianne//
A gasp leaves my mouth as I was suddenly disturbed in my sleep by a loud sound. I come to realize it was just another slamming door, or perhaps it was a heavy punch against a wall? Really I am not sure of anything. I’ve felt that feeling a lot in the past few hours, or minutes, seconds maybe?
Time is unknown to me at the moment, as is the date or season. God only knows how long I’ve been here, wherever here might be, that is. Curious of my situation, I lean up – placing my hands behind me to hold me. They dig into the mattress as I look around, the room was still dark but not as quite as before. Was that possible? Well, taking in my current issues, anything is possible in this mad world.
My eyes trailed over to a beam of light on the floor, exposing dusty hardwood flooring. I furrow my eyebrows as I follow the light to what seems to be a doorway. The crack underneath what I assure myself is the space between the floor and the door is giving me somewhat of a light as it blares through the space.
I stare at the source, locking my eyes with it, actually quite happy that I found some light since being in here and first discovering I was stuck in the dark, as usual though. For a moment I thought of going back to sleep, my head ached and my body was so tired. The idea intrigued me some bit. When I’m asleep I can see my mother, hear her voice, feel her touch. And just before I wake up, before the bright light occurs and my eyes shoot open…
I can hear her say those four little words that I adored to hear, only because it was the last thing I ever remember her speaking to me. I love you, Julianne. Those words guided me through the day, through the darkness, around the pain, dodging the tears. Sometimes it worked mostly, but others my father got to me before I could smile one little time.
Being unaware of my current location doesn’t seem to affect me anymore. I know my father isn’t here, and that just makes everything better anyways. Maybe wherever I am, or whoever got me, will provide me with a little more light than my father will ever be able to. There are things I don’t need.
Love. It marked that list, not the first, but high up there. The feeling of love hasn’t been inside my body in over ten years. I never will feel that again because it all has been taken away from me. Love is only a mere thought, a hormonal experience that eventually fades into the darkness, the same way I will one day.
Happiness. To be that is a laugh itself. I have never been happy, never will even hope to be. The only person on the earth that made me happy is gone, and was taking by rage and anger for no apparent reason. Happiness was a word I used to describe every single person in the world but me.
Faith. If God really does truly exist, and I am not saying I do not believe because I do with all of my heart and soul, but where is my answered prayer? I have lived too long in torture, in agony. But I do not worry, I just sit and await the day I will be called upon, hopefully to see light and end this darkness I live in
When I’m asleep I can enter the dream world, I can see my mother and let her know I still think about her. I can restore every single memory I have of her, and dream to make more with her. It might not be real, but it’s my reality. But the moment I open my eyes, it’s ruined by my father’s presence.
Most people say they don’t like to close their eyes because the dark surroundings scare them, or what lies in their dreams and nightmares frighten them. But for me, that was quite the opposite. I was not afraid of closing my eyes.. Because I know I am awake in some other world. And I am happy, and partly okay.
Something caught my full-fledged attention, my eyes glued to the light under the door. I gulp gently, seeing what appears to be feet walking past it again, and again, and again. Until finally they stop, at the beginning of the bright light, blocking a little of it from entering the room.
A gulp goes down my throat as I hear the jiggle of a door knob. My eyes never leave that direction. I hold my breath tightly as I hear a creaking noise. Light begins to enter the room through the distance between the door and its frame. Slowly, it squeaks and creaks as its pushed open.
What my eyes see is hard to take it.
But it’s better than the darkness.
A gasp leaves my mouth as I was suddenly disturbed in my sleep by a loud sound. I come to realize it was just another slamming door, or perhaps it was a heavy punch against a wall? Really I am not sure of anything. I’ve felt that feeling a lot in the past few hours, or minutes, seconds maybe?
Time is unknown to me at the moment, as is the date or season. God only knows how long I’ve been here, wherever here might be, that is. Curious of my situation, I lean up – placing my hands behind me to hold me. They dig into the mattress as I look around, the room was still dark but not as quite as before. Was that possible? Well, taking in my current issues, anything is possible in this mad world.
My eyes trailed over to a beam of light on the floor, exposing dusty hardwood flooring. I furrow my eyebrows as I follow the light to what seems to be a doorway. The crack underneath what I assure myself is the space between the floor and the door is giving me somewhat of a light as it blares through the space.
I stare at the source, locking my eyes with it, actually quite happy that I found some light since being in here and first discovering I was stuck in the dark, as usual though. For a moment I thought of going back to sleep, my head ached and my body was so tired. The idea intrigued me some bit. When I’m asleep I can see my mother, hear her voice, feel her touch. And just before I wake up, before the bright light occurs and my eyes shoot open…
I can hear her say those four little words that I adored to hear, only because it was the last thing I ever remember her speaking to me. I love you, Julianne. Those words guided me through the day, through the darkness, around the pain, dodging the tears. Sometimes it worked mostly, but others my father got to me before I could smile one little time.
Being unaware of my current location doesn’t seem to affect me anymore. I know my father isn’t here, and that just makes everything better anyways. Maybe wherever I am, or whoever got me, will provide me with a little more light than my father will ever be able to. There are things I don’t need.
Love. It marked that list, not the first, but high up there. The feeling of love hasn’t been inside my body in over ten years. I never will feel that again because it all has been taken away from me. Love is only a mere thought, a hormonal experience that eventually fades into the darkness, the same way I will one day.
Happiness. To be that is a laugh itself. I have never been happy, never will even hope to be. The only person on the earth that made me happy is gone, and was taking by rage and anger for no apparent reason. Happiness was a word I used to describe every single person in the world but me.
Faith. If God really does truly exist, and I am not saying I do not believe because I do with all of my heart and soul, but where is my answered prayer? I have lived too long in torture, in agony. But I do not worry, I just sit and await the day I will be called upon, hopefully to see light and end this darkness I live in
When I’m asleep I can enter the dream world, I can see my mother and let her know I still think about her. I can restore every single memory I have of her, and dream to make more with her. It might not be real, but it’s my reality. But the moment I open my eyes, it’s ruined by my father’s presence.
Most people say they don’t like to close their eyes because the dark surroundings scare them, or what lies in their dreams and nightmares frighten them. But for me, that was quite the opposite. I was not afraid of closing my eyes.. Because I know I am awake in some other world. And I am happy, and partly okay.
Something caught my full-fledged attention, my eyes glued to the light under the door. I gulp gently, seeing what appears to be feet walking past it again, and again, and again. Until finally they stop, at the beginning of the bright light, blocking a little of it from entering the room.
A gulp goes down my throat as I hear the jiggle of a door knob. My eyes never leave that direction. I hold my breath tightly as I hear a creaking noise. Light begins to enter the room through the distance between the door and its frame. Slowly, it squeaks and creaks as its pushed open.
What my eyes see is hard to take it.
But it’s better than the darkness.
Notes
//honestly didn't look for errors - sorry if there is any!// UPDATES soon!!!! feedback please? how are we doing so far???? ♥♥
I love it
6/24/19