Beating Heart
t h r e e - darkness.
//Julianne//
My eyes shot open in a quick sudden – only to be greeted by nothing but pure, pitch black darkness. I gasped heavily, my chest pounding and my head spinning. Where was I at? Better yet, why was I here? I stared into the darkness, assuming I was looking up at a ceiling.
Apparently I was laying down on something soft and bouncy, a mattress is what I highly assume. I felt the thin fabric I was laying on, a sheet probably. My head was resting on a thick, soft pillow. My body covered by a warm quilt, shielding me from the cool air I was receiving against my exposed skin. As far as I know, I was in a freezing cold room on a rather soft and comfortable mattress. I closed my eyes, no need to waste my energy if I couldn’t see anything anyways.
A loud bang noise occurred out of nowhere, I gulped at the heavy sound that wasn’t created close to me – so perhaps I was actually in a room and there were other things outside of the four walls. Sighing to myself, I tightly squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to drift back to sleep and never wake up.
That’s always been my desire, for as long as I can remember.
Just when I thought I was going to doze off in a deep sleep, I heard a heavy yell erupt from someone’s throat, muffled by the walls. I held my breath, praying for the best. Hopefully I wasn’t kidnapped by some strange raper. Part of me thinks that would be better than my situation at home, the other part knows that’s insane. There was a loud crash, the shattering of some sort of glass or maybe porcelain, if the person was anything like my father – God forbid – then it was a flower vase full of dead flowers, or a unwanted picture frame from the wall, or even a piece of dishware from the kitchen. Whatever it might have been, I could tell someone was upset, extremely ticked off for sure. I know those signs entirely too well.
Nothing followed the scream and the crash. I decided to think about what I last done, maybe to give me some hints of where I might be and why I was here. I knew I wasn’t at my home, because I can remember leaving days ago, two or three maybe? Other than that for sure, I knew nothing really.
Based on my previous attempts to run away, always failing because I was too afraid of what hid in the forests, I knew for sure I had gone to the cemetery before exiting the small town and heading to the deep, heavily forested area a mile or so behind my house and small neighborhood.
The reasoning for my disappearance this go around was unknown to me at the moment, and probably until I regain my full consciousness – my thoughts and memories being fuzzy as my head still rapidly aches, my heart thumping hard in my chest.
“Alright now, Julianne, just follow me alright? I want to show you Mommy’s special place.’’ Mom reminded me as she pushed through a thick area of tall, untamed bushes. I smiled to myself, happy that I finally get to see the place my mother has told me many stories about.
It’s quite a rush, actually, to know I get to see this wonderful, beautiful place she always speaks about. “I know, Mommy.’’ I reply as we make it through the heavy brush. I follow closely behind her as she begins to speed up her pace – a sign she was happy about the destination.
“We’re almost there, sweetheart.’’ She says, I hear the smile in her tone. At home, my mother and I never were allowed to smile when my father was near us, if we did the punishment would be bad. But most nights he would leave, I am always told that he’s going to drown himself in alcohol.
I hated the way that stupid stuff smelt, it filled the entire house and stained my clothes. My teachers often sent me to the office, my mother and my therapist – who done me no good at all – would come to the school and explain everything to those people time after time. Sometimes I wanted to be the other kids, because I know they were all okay. Unlike me. I will never be okay. Never.
My father would leave for hours, just to pass out for longer when he returned home that next afternoon. But thankfully, during those hours, Mommy and I had our little time together each and every day. She’d take me to the park sometimes, or even for a walk in the woods. She loved going during the spring time, it was the most beautiful to her, and to myself.
“Julianne? Are you there, honey?’’ My mother’s voice shook me from my thoughts. I looked up to meet her smile and kind eyes staring down on me. I gave her a smile to assure her I was okay, even though I will never be truly ‘okay’. ‘’This is it!’’ she said happily, throwing her arms in the air.
My eyes widen at the sight before me, my jaw dropping as I observed the beauty of the area around me. There was a stream, the water crystal clear. The rocks on the edges, where the water met the land, were big and grey. Then, all around them were little pebbles of all sorts of dark, earth toned colors.
I took a hold of my mother’s hand as she guided me towards the water. She took a seat on top of one of the boulders. I sat down on one beside her, mine shorter and smaller than hers. I picked my feet up, hugging my knees to myself to keep them from falling into the water.
“A fish!’’ I say as I point to the small fish that swam by fast. ‘’I know, sometimes they come around when the water’s really still.’’ She informs me. I smile at the shallow water. It wasn’t much in reality, but in my world it was amazingly perfect.
‘’My mother used to bring me here. I decided to let you see it too.’’ She smiles as I look over at her. My mother is beautiful, her glowing features always got her compliments from all when we went shopping or went for a walk. She’s just a kind person, and I believe with all of my heart that she’s what perfection is.
From her long, naturally straight, blonde hair with the best volume, to her soft hands that gave the best tickles, to her toenails that were always painted a shade of baby pink. Perfection. She is the perfect angel… but she was trapped in the dark. Just like me.
In times like this, when Mommy and I truly do amazing things with each other.. I feel as if the world has no end, time will never stop. But I know, once I enter that house of flames that the real world will return. The pleasure will stop. The smiling will end. The laughter will quit. The light will be blown out. The torture begins. The crying happens. The screaming starts. The darkness overpowers.
I will never truly be okay.
My eyes shot open in a quick sudden – only to be greeted by nothing but pure, pitch black darkness. I gasped heavily, my chest pounding and my head spinning. Where was I at? Better yet, why was I here? I stared into the darkness, assuming I was looking up at a ceiling.
Apparently I was laying down on something soft and bouncy, a mattress is what I highly assume. I felt the thin fabric I was laying on, a sheet probably. My head was resting on a thick, soft pillow. My body covered by a warm quilt, shielding me from the cool air I was receiving against my exposed skin. As far as I know, I was in a freezing cold room on a rather soft and comfortable mattress. I closed my eyes, no need to waste my energy if I couldn’t see anything anyways.
A loud bang noise occurred out of nowhere, I gulped at the heavy sound that wasn’t created close to me – so perhaps I was actually in a room and there were other things outside of the four walls. Sighing to myself, I tightly squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to drift back to sleep and never wake up.
That’s always been my desire, for as long as I can remember.
Just when I thought I was going to doze off in a deep sleep, I heard a heavy yell erupt from someone’s throat, muffled by the walls. I held my breath, praying for the best. Hopefully I wasn’t kidnapped by some strange raper. Part of me thinks that would be better than my situation at home, the other part knows that’s insane. There was a loud crash, the shattering of some sort of glass or maybe porcelain, if the person was anything like my father – God forbid – then it was a flower vase full of dead flowers, or a unwanted picture frame from the wall, or even a piece of dishware from the kitchen. Whatever it might have been, I could tell someone was upset, extremely ticked off for sure. I know those signs entirely too well.
Nothing followed the scream and the crash. I decided to think about what I last done, maybe to give me some hints of where I might be and why I was here. I knew I wasn’t at my home, because I can remember leaving days ago, two or three maybe? Other than that for sure, I knew nothing really.
Based on my previous attempts to run away, always failing because I was too afraid of what hid in the forests, I knew for sure I had gone to the cemetery before exiting the small town and heading to the deep, heavily forested area a mile or so behind my house and small neighborhood.
The reasoning for my disappearance this go around was unknown to me at the moment, and probably until I regain my full consciousness – my thoughts and memories being fuzzy as my head still rapidly aches, my heart thumping hard in my chest.
“Alright now, Julianne, just follow me alright? I want to show you Mommy’s special place.’’ Mom reminded me as she pushed through a thick area of tall, untamed bushes. I smiled to myself, happy that I finally get to see the place my mother has told me many stories about.
It’s quite a rush, actually, to know I get to see this wonderful, beautiful place she always speaks about. “I know, Mommy.’’ I reply as we make it through the heavy brush. I follow closely behind her as she begins to speed up her pace – a sign she was happy about the destination.
“We’re almost there, sweetheart.’’ She says, I hear the smile in her tone. At home, my mother and I never were allowed to smile when my father was near us, if we did the punishment would be bad. But most nights he would leave, I am always told that he’s going to drown himself in alcohol.
I hated the way that stupid stuff smelt, it filled the entire house and stained my clothes. My teachers often sent me to the office, my mother and my therapist – who done me no good at all – would come to the school and explain everything to those people time after time. Sometimes I wanted to be the other kids, because I know they were all okay. Unlike me. I will never be okay. Never.
My father would leave for hours, just to pass out for longer when he returned home that next afternoon. But thankfully, during those hours, Mommy and I had our little time together each and every day. She’d take me to the park sometimes, or even for a walk in the woods. She loved going during the spring time, it was the most beautiful to her, and to myself.
“Julianne? Are you there, honey?’’ My mother’s voice shook me from my thoughts. I looked up to meet her smile and kind eyes staring down on me. I gave her a smile to assure her I was okay, even though I will never be truly ‘okay’. ‘’This is it!’’ she said happily, throwing her arms in the air.
My eyes widen at the sight before me, my jaw dropping as I observed the beauty of the area around me. There was a stream, the water crystal clear. The rocks on the edges, where the water met the land, were big and grey. Then, all around them were little pebbles of all sorts of dark, earth toned colors.
I took a hold of my mother’s hand as she guided me towards the water. She took a seat on top of one of the boulders. I sat down on one beside her, mine shorter and smaller than hers. I picked my feet up, hugging my knees to myself to keep them from falling into the water.
“A fish!’’ I say as I point to the small fish that swam by fast. ‘’I know, sometimes they come around when the water’s really still.’’ She informs me. I smile at the shallow water. It wasn’t much in reality, but in my world it was amazingly perfect.
‘’My mother used to bring me here. I decided to let you see it too.’’ She smiles as I look over at her. My mother is beautiful, her glowing features always got her compliments from all when we went shopping or went for a walk. She’s just a kind person, and I believe with all of my heart that she’s what perfection is.
From her long, naturally straight, blonde hair with the best volume, to her soft hands that gave the best tickles, to her toenails that were always painted a shade of baby pink. Perfection. She is the perfect angel… but she was trapped in the dark. Just like me.
In times like this, when Mommy and I truly do amazing things with each other.. I feel as if the world has no end, time will never stop. But I know, once I enter that house of flames that the real world will return. The pleasure will stop. The smiling will end. The laughter will quit. The light will be blown out. The torture begins. The crying happens. The screaming starts. The darkness overpowers.
I will never truly be okay.
Notes
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6/24/19