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Lavender & Roses

IX

I woke slowly. I smiled when I realized I was still in Harry's arms. I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. Eight in the morning. We'd slept for over twelve hours completely intertwined. I gazed at Harry's sleeping face. He was so handsome. The most beautiful man I'd ever seen. Not to mention that he was sweet and kind and so loving. I blushed thinking of the fact that I could get used to waking up in Harry's arms.
Harry shifted and his eyes opened. He looked over at me and smiled brightly. He tugged me closer and whispered, "Good morning."
"Morning." I replied shyly as he kissed my hair sweetly.
"Niall wanted you to call this morning. He seemed pretty...he really wants you to call." Harry informed me.
I nodded, "He probably thinks that I am cycling again." Harry made a face of disgust. I laughed loudly, "NO!" Harry appeared curious now. "My bipolar disorder. I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I have more...highs and lows than a person with type one or type two." Harry nodded in understanding. "Niall's probably worried because of how early I fell asleep."
"Well, are you?" He asked. "Cycling again?"
I shrugged, "Maybe. I feel fine. I'm just tired. I've been working a lot and working on your guys holiday.
"He may also want you to call because you were asleep on me." Harry suggested.
I giggled, "Maybe." Harry closed his eyes again, like he was going to go back to sleep. "Harry?" He hummed in response. "Thank you. For staying with me. I don't think I would've gone back to sleep had you just laid me down."
"I like staying with you." Harry replied with a tiny smile. He then opened his eyes and looked at me, "Why would sleeping that much mean you're cycling again?"
"I sleep a lot when I am in the depression part of a cycle. I'm always sleeping." I answered honestly.
Harry appeared extremely nervous as he asked, "Can you explain it to me? What you go through?"
I shrugged, "You have to tell me what you want to know. There's a lot."
"What's the difference? What's a high and what's a low?" Harry asked.
"Still not specific enough." I giggled quietly.
Harry pondered a moment, then asked, "Bipolar is mania and depression right?" I gave a single nod. "When you're manic, what does it feel like? What goes on in your head? What do you think about when you're alone? Do you do one thing more than normal?"
"I feel...invincible. Like I can go days and days without sleeping. I clean everything. Sometimes at three in the morning I'm cleaning the oven or the bathroom floor. I spend massive amounts of time at Niall's cooking and cleaning. He says he knows when I'm manic when he starts gaining weight." I chuckled, making Harry laugh quietly. "I can be very peppy and vibrant. Loving on anyone and everyone in my own way." I informed him.
"But the one day, you were really sassy. You probably could've out sassed Louis." Harry smirked.
I nodded, "Sometimes, I'm not so nice. I can get very irritable and rude. I lash out over little things. Niall and I can fight a lot. I feel bad when that happens. He tries so hard to take care of me when he's home. Usually if we fight though, later on, I apologize. For a long time it was really hard to say sorry for the things I would say to him."
"What do you say? I mean, what's something you've said before?" Harry inquired. I shook my head quickly. "What? Why not?" Harry seemed a little disappointed.
"It's not nice. They were things that I never should've said and I don't want to repeat them." I replied sadly. Harry frowned and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. I sighed, "And as much as I hate to admit it, you might even get your own dose of it. It just happens sometimes. It's like my brain just clicks and shit flies out of my mouth. Half the time I don't even realize I've said it until Niall or my mum or even Greg is staring at me just completely dumbfounded."
"You don't even know me yet. How can you do that?" Harry smirked a little. He was trying to make me feel better.
I giggled and snuggled closer to him, "Then why are we talking about me?"
"Because I find you absolutely fascinating." Harry smiled warmly at me. "What's the depression side like? Are you...have you ever hurt yourself before? Or do you just not get out of bed?" Harry seemed a little nervous in asking. He wasn't trying to be nosy. I could tell by the look in his eye. He cared. He wanted to know what to look out for.
"I have...attempted to end my life before. When you came to Ireland with Niall right after the x-factor, I was in the hospital for that reason. It's why we'd not met before." I answered honestly. Harry nodded and stayed quiet for a long while. I frowned when I saw that Harry looked like he was going to cry. "Harry, tell me what you're thinking." I requested as I rested my chin on his chest and gazed up at him. Harry stroked my arm tenderly and faked a smile. "Please?"
"I...I'm sorry that you felt the need to try. I'm worried about what will happen if you ever feel that way again. I wanna be there for you but I don't know how to keep you from being in that place again." Harry responded frankly.
"That's all you can do really. Just be there. Sometimes it's not going to matter how many kind words I hear. It won't matter if nothing is really "going wrong". Sometimes, I'm just going to feel horrible and there's not going to be anything we can do about it." I stated. Harry seemed even more saddened by the confession. "But it's not been that bad in a long time. I've not been in that low of a cycle since then. There are days when I can't get out of bed and I can't even move but I've not been that low for a very long time." I assured Harry. I knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear but it was truth.
"How are you feeling today?" Harry asked. "I know you told me not to ask but I just wanna know the difference between everything that goes on. I'm not trying to make you upset." Harry spoke quickly.
I chuckled, "Today is actually a good day I feel like. I'm not overly worried about anything. I'm not feeling that rush that I would get with the mania. I don't really want to get out of bed but that's not because I'm bogged down by my mind."
"Not overly worried? So you're still worried about something?" Harry appeared distraught.
I sighed, "Generalized and Social Anxiety. I can't help it. It's just how it is."
"What are you worried about?" Harry inquired curiously.
"Um, Niall calling. If I'm going to have to leave the flat. What's going to happen when I leave the flat. What's going to happen when you leave. If a certain...symptom is going to come up today. Random things really." I answered.
"Why are you worried about what will happen when I leave?" Harry was curious again.
I blushed, "I don't really like being alone a lot and when you're here Declan doesn't call up here a bunch of times." I hated Declan so much more now he thought Harry was my boyfriend. He called up two or three times every night to "check on me" and he wouldn't stop hitting on me either.
Harry grinned at me, "I only planned on being here with you today. I won't leave until you kick me out. And then, you can just come over to my place. " I giggled quietly and wrapped my arm around Harry's waist. Just then my phone started to ring. I groaned and reached over Harry for it. I looked at the screen and let my head drop to Harry's chest. Niall.
"You have to be dead silent. It's Niall." I told Harry firmly. Harry nodded with a small smile.

Notes

It's about to get real up in here...
Again, if you have questions, just ask, this is heavy in fact.

Peace&Love

Comments

@Styles girl 4eva
❤️

morrison_hotel morrison_hotel
9/24/18

Ahhhh I’m so happy !!! I can’t wait for more updates xo I’m so glad you’re back!

@JasperRenee
Yay! It makes me happy to know that you still like these stories and actually care. ❤️

morrison_hotel morrison_hotel
9/22/18

@morrison_hotel
I always do!

JasperRenee JasperRenee
9/22/18

@JasperRenee
Thanks lovely girl. ❤️ I hope you liked it

morrison_hotel morrison_hotel
9/22/18