I Can Change Your Life

“Relax, Gianna,” Harry said as he placed his hand on my shaking knee. “It’s going to be fine.”

I bit my nails as I nervous shifted in the waiting room seat. I stared at the large, dark brown door across the room, waiting for Mickey to peek her head out and call me in for my first session.

“Can you please go with me?” I asked him for the thousandth time. “I really can’t be in there alone.”

“You won’t be alone. I’ll be right here the entire time if you need me,” he gently squeezed my knee and gave me a smile.

Nobody else was in the waiting room except for the receptionist sitting at the desk near the front door. It was a beautiful room – fully furnished and smelled of a relaxing lavender vanilla. No music played in the room, only the sound of a small, electronic fountain that sat on the receptionist’s desk and the occasional sound of bubbles shifting in the water dispenser in the back corner of the square room.

My body froze as I saw the golden handle slowly turn on the door. A young man walked out and shut the door behind him. He went up to the receptionist and began to quietly talk to her. Mickey would be calling me back any minute now, and I was scared. I didn’t know what to do or say or what Mickey even knew. Did she only think this was about my anxiety? Or had my mom or Louis talked to her about Josh?

The man left the room and a few seconds later, Mickey opened the door and poked her head out. She was so youthful and reminded me a lot of a child. “Gianna, I’m ready for you,” she said with a smile.

I pulled my knees into my chest as my breathing began to restrict. I groaned. I could cry; I was so fed up with this anxious feeling that was suddenly taking me over. I used to never be so anxious like this. I never had anxiety. I was always making new friends. Oral presentations never frightened me. I could probably even stand on a stage and talk and it wouldn’t both me. But now the tiniest things were sending me into a fit of irregular breathing, tears, and making me feel as I was dying.

“Can I have a minute?” I asked through a shaky breath.

“Of course. Take your time and come in whenever you’re ready,” she replied with a wave of her hand. “And don’t forget those breathing techniques I showed you.”

I did what she was said before by alternating my long and short inhales and exhales. Harry kept his hand rested on my shoulder as he gently made swirls against my shirt. His touch helped to relax me, and my breathing eventually came easier.

He used his hand to pull my face toward him. He used his left thumb to push away a tear that had barely fallen from my eye. “Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine. I’ll be right here if you need me, okay?”

I nodded and looked into his eyes. He bent down and gave me a gentle kiss. “Now go. You only have an hour with her and you shouldn’t waste it.”

“But I’d rather stay here and kiss you,” I said quietly.

“You know I’d rather do that than anything else in the world, but not this time. You have to. Just go get it over with. Then after we can go out to eat at a fancy restaurant and then fuck in the bathroom.”

I laughed at his words and pushed it chest away from me. “Oh, shut up,” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“I love you,” he said as I got up from the seat.

I bit my lip and walked across the room. Before I could turn the handle, I turned around and gave Harry a smile. “I love you, too,” I said quietly.

I walked in and Mickey had me sit down on the couch across from her large, blue chair. She sat on the chair with her legs crossed and her shoes sloppily resting on the ground in front of her. She wasn’t wearing a suit like she was at the hospital. Instead she was wearing light jeans with a flowy, pink top that hung off one of her shoulders. I examined her face as she flipped through the file in front of her. She couldn’t be any older than thirty.

“Okay, Gianna. So we’ll just start with you telling me a little bit about yourself, starting with your family and I will ask questions as I see fit,” she shrugged and looked at me. “Oh, and remember that everything you say will be kept between us and only us. I’m sworn to secrecy unless that situation is extremely dangerous.”

I nodded and bit my lip, unsure of where to begin. “Um, well, it’s just me and my mom. It’s always been just the two of us.I never knew my father. He used to send us money when I was younger, but then my mom went back to school and landed herself a great job so we just kind of cut him loose.

“Uh…my mom and I have a great relationship. Everything is great financially and stuff. I’m not home too often, and neither is she. I usually go to my best friend Louis’s house and hang out there with my best friends and Harry.”

“Harry’s your boyfriend?” she asked with intrigued eyes.

“Yeah. Recent though. It’s kind of an interesting story between us, but yeah. We’re together now.”

“How do you feel about having a boyfriend?”

That was when I knew that she knew about Josh. Louis had to have told her because there was no way my mom would be able to say anything to her. “Well, it scares me. But Harry means that world to me, and he helps me a lot.”

“Why does it scare you?”

I sighed. Here we go. “Because of my ex, Josh.”

“What about him? Does he scare you?”

I already felt the tears forming behind my eyes. “Yes. He’s the one who started all of this.”

“Started all of what?”

“This,” I motioned in between us. “He fucked me up and now here I am.”

“What did he do?” Her responses were so automatic, like she knew exactly what she was going to ask me before I even set up the appointment.

I explained our relationship. I told her about how he would beat me, and how he let his friends take advantage of me and how I let him do that to me for so long because I just wanted to be loved.

I explained it in extreme detail. I told her how Josh would make sure I got extremely drunk, to the point where I was nearly passed out as they would take advantage of me. I tried to yell for them to stop, but I would always be so wasted that no matter what efforts I gave in trying to fight them off, my pants would always end up around my ankles. They wouldn’t even take off the rest of my clothes. They would pull my pants down, take their turns with me, and then Josh would drop me off at home and leave me to find my own way into my house and up the stairs. Then I would wake up the next morning and pretend like nothing happened. Josh would never mention it. I would never mention it. But then it would happen again. And little by little, I lost pieces of myself until I wasn’t even my own person anymore.

“What caused you to finally leave him?”

I bit my lip. I didn’t want to talk about that yet. I didn’t want to think about it. And I didn’t want to stir up those memories.

“That’s okay,” she said as she noticed my reluctance. “Our time is nearly up anyway.”

I smiled and looked down at my hands. “Do you think you can fix me?” I asked quietly.

“I think that you can fix yourself because you’re stronger than you think.” She gave me a smile. “You just need a little push in the right direction, and that I can help you with.”

“Thank you,” I said with my head down. I know that Harry always told me that I was strong and that everything would be okay, but hearing it from Mickey gave me more reassurance than I thought. I hoped she was being honest and not just saying that because she had to, because I really believed her.

I walked out of the room and walked up to the receptionist to confirm the same time next week and then walked over to Harry who was playing a game on his phone.

“Hey,” he said as he quickly shoved the phone into his pocket. “How was it?” he asked as he stood up.

“Enlightening,” I said with a smile.

“See? I told you it’d be fine,” he smiled and bent down to kiss my forehead. We walked out of the office and as we entered the hallway of the building, Harry draped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side.

“Let’s go on a date,” he said as we exited the entire building. “Tonight.”

“A date?” I asked, somewhat confused. Harry and I were already in a relationship, was dating really necessary?

“Yeah,” he said with a dopey grin. “I want us to go eat a nice meal together and then do something fun. Just the two of us.”

I smiled as he laced our fingers together and rested our hands over the middle console as he drove. “Okay,” I said, “But nothing fancy.”

“Well, can it be a little bit fancy?” he asked.

“Okay, but I’m not wearing a dress or anything like that.”

“You don’t have to wear anything at all,” Harry said with a smirk.

“Hm, I might have to take you up on that offer.”

Harry laughed as we pulled up to my house. He gave me a long kiss and told me that he’d be back at seven to pick me up.

That gave me three hours to kill. I didn’t need to shower or re-do my makeup, so I changed into my pajamas and decided to just watch TV before I needed to change into something a bit nicer than a t-shirt and jeans.

I ended up watching Finding Nemo and crying my eyes out, so I did have to re-do my make-up in the end. It felt nice to cry like that – without feeling like I had to cry, but instead feelings like it was okay to cry at something happy. I was happy with Harry, but everything else in my life was surrounded my unhappiness.

As I washed my smeared makeup off my face, I thought about how I actually was strong. With everything that has happened to me, I refrained from turning to the blade like so many people did. I never even thought about suicide until I was drunk, and even then I didn’t even really want it. I was lucky to have that strength. So many people would kill to have that self-control. Maybe there was hope for me after-all.

I heard Harry walk into my house without knocking.

“Gianna!” He called through the house. “Are you ready?”

“Shit,” I said to myself. I had just barely cleaned my makeup off my face and needed to completely re-apply it.

Harry walked into my room holding a bouquet of red roses. “I got these for you,” he held them out with a grin but then frowned a bit when he saw that I was just barely getting ready. “Baaaabeeee,” he groaned. “It’s seven!”

“I know, I know! I didn’t think that I would have to re-do my makeup, but Finding Nemo made me cry.”

Harry laughed at me a bit and came up behind me while I sat at my vanity and applied my face powder with a large, makeup brush. He kneeled down beside me and looked at us in the mirror. “It should be illegal for two sexy people to be together,” he said while trying to make a sexy face in the mirror by slanting his eyes and pursing his lips. I mimicked his look and we spent a good two minutes making different faces in the mirror.

“What are we even doing?” I laughed, unable to stay serious any longer. I pulled out my eyeliner and began to apply a thick, winged line to each eye.

“We’re so fucking sexy,” he continued to make quick faces next to me. “Look at this one,” he said while he bit his lip, tilted his head downwards and looked up at the mirror through mysterious eyes. He stared at my eyes through the mirror.

“Wow, that actually is really sexy,” I said while I put on my mascara.

“Don’t look for too long then, I don’t want you to get all hot and bothered before we go out to eat. I wanna save you for dessert,” he said with a wink.

“Too late,” I murmured very quietly as I focused on my make-up. I gently filled in my eyebrows.

“W-what?” Harry stammered a bit over his words as he swallowed. “Don’t do this to me, I’m taking you out to eat.”

“I have something you could eat,” I said very quietly. I almost hoped that he didn’t hear me because of how bold it was. I was never one for bedroom talk like that, but that was probably because I had never felt any sense of control in the bedroom until I was with Harry. It was like a battle of dominance when we were together. He would control me, but I could still tell him what to do. It was like healthy, and sexy, competition between us.

Harry groaned and collapsed on my bed, flat on his back before pulling a pillow over his face and groaning into it again. I smirked when I realized he had heard what I said. I finished my makeup and walked over to my closet to change my clothes. First I changed my underwear – putting on some lace panties just to drive Harry even more insane. I heard him huff as he watched me. He knew that I was doing, and I couldn’t help but enjoy the effect I had on him.

I looked over to him to look at what he was wearing. He was wearing a black, button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled a couple of times and dark blue skinny jeans with his black hi-top converse. His lopsided beanie was still on his head. He looked really nice though. I went over to my closet and pulled out a chiffon tank top and probably my only pair of jeans that weren’t ripped. I thought about maybe wearing some heels to really get him going, but decided not to because I would much rather be comfortable, so I pulled on a pair of studded flats instead.

“Is it cold?” I asked as I looked through my jackets and cardigans.

“Yeah, it’s getting pretty chilly,” he said from under the pillow that he had returned to his face.

“You okay over there?” I asked with a laugh.

He sighed and let out a laugh. “Stop talking to me, I’m trying to calm myself down,” he said. “I’m trying to think about a grandma’s house. Floral print couches, baby pictures, lace doilies…”

“Lace panties…” I added in his same tone.

“God dammit!” He cursed and pulled the pillow off of his head. “Really? I almost got it out of my head and now I can’t stop thinking about them…you…fuck…”

“I’m ready!” I announced as I put my arms in the air to present myself. I waved my arms down my body.

“Even when you’re fully clothed…I can’t…you’re fucking gorgeous,” he stammered. “You could wear a fucking fat suit and I’d still want to fuck you.”

I laughed at his words and grabbed my purse from the floor before walking over to him and laying on top of him. I looked down at him and placed my lips against his. I pulled away and gave him a smile.

“Let’s go,” I said.

“Yeah, so we can get back and I can ravish you,” he said quietly as we stood up.

“Behave yourself,” I said as we walked out the door.

-

Harry brought my home close to midnight. My mom didn’t care that I was out late since I didn’t have to wake up early for school anymore, and I was out with Harry, and for some reason she really trusted him. She hardly even knew him.

Harry has taken me to a steakhouse and we spent a majority of the time there. We ate a large meal, talked, and then we parked down the street from my house and spent another hour in the backseat of his car for dessert.

I laughed to myself as I realized that I was in a relationship now. A month ago I was pretty certain that I would never have a boyfriend again. I was so certain that I couldn’t trust anybody ever again. But here I was, trusting Harry with everything. I was in love. Hopelessly in love.

Just as I was about to slip out of my clothes, my house phone began to ring. I rushed to the phone and answered it so the ringer wouldn’t wake my mom.

“Hello?” I asked after a second of realizing that I had to actually say something. Nobody ever called the house phone.

“Gianna.” His voice was clear and strong.

“W-why are you calling me?” I stuttered out.

He sighed, and for a moment I pictured him before everything changed. I pictured the Josh that I had first grown to love. But that image was soon gone when I was reminded of what he had done to me.

“I just really need someone to talk to,” he said pathetically into the phone. It sounded like he was actually crying. “Don’t freak out, but I’m outside.”

“Get the fuck away from my house, Josh, or I will call the police,” I tried to threaten him. I went to pick up my cell phone and text Harry so he could rush back to my house, but I didn’t want him to get hurt again, because I knew that on sight Harry would lay right into Josh, or worse, run him over.

“Don’t hang up, please, listen to me. I just…I don’t have anyone else to go to. I’m completely sober, and I just…you’re the only nice person I know and I just need to vent. Look at me,” he said in a small voice.

I walked over to my window with my eyes shut. I slowly pulled them open to see Josh standing outside, fully groomed, holding the arm that wasn’t holding his phone out to show himself to me.

“See? Please.” He put his arm out and stared at me with honest eyes.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I sighed into the phone and told him I’d be right down. I slipped out the front door and walked over to him.

“What?” I asked, wrapping my arms over my torso. I felt incredibly self-conscious and belittled right away. I was afraid of saying or doing something that might bring out his anger.

“Will you get in the car with me?” he asked quietly.

“No,” I said immediately. “No fucking way.” I turned to walk into the house and he reached after me. His fingers made contact with my arm and I jerked it away instantly.

“Sorry, sorry! I just, please, Gianna. Please just go for a drive. I just need to clear my head, and I just need someone there to listen.”

He walked towards the car. “I swear if anything happens, Josh…”

“I know, I know. It won’t take long, promise.”

I sighed again as I slowly walked over to the passenger door of his car. He slipped into the driver’s seat and as I put on my seatbelt. He pulled down the street and we sat in silence for a few minutes. I was trying so hard to be strong, and for some reason, I was certain that maybe being able to control a situation with Josh would prove my strength to myself. But I knew that the only reason I got in the car was because I was too afraid to say no to him and try to walk away from him.

“Isn’t this nice?” he smiled, “it’s just like old times.”

I shifted in the seat and moved closer to the door. “Josh…” I warned.

“Okay, sorry,” he sighed. He pulled down the street and took a couple turns that brought us to a dark street that I didn’t recognize. I didn’t even know it was anywhere near my house. “Gianna, I feel horrible about everything that I did to you. I’m disgusting and it sickens me to know that it took me this long to realize how horrible I was to you.”

I relaxed just a bit at his words. If Josh could end all of this, maybe things would be better. Maybe I wouldn’t be so broken anymore, knowing that Josh felt bad for everything he had done. I wanted so badly to believe everything he said, but I just couldn’t bring myself to trust his words. Something was off.

“I hate that it took me so long to realize how amazing you are. You were nothing but good to me and I treated you like dirt. I spread rumors about you that weren’t true and I harassed you and I let people do horrible things to you…but I just. I was scared, okay? I was scared of being so in love with you that I fucked everything up before I could let myself fall in love with you. But I realize now, that, I love you, Gianna. I love you so much, and I’m willing to try things again if you are.”

I blinked with wide eyes. Was he serious? There was no way he was being serious. There was no way he could think that I would even consider the fact.

“You make no sense,” I spat. “You were scared? You?! What about me?! You raped me, Josh. You let others rape me for your enjoyment. How is that love? How could you expect me to even think about taking you back?”

He frowned over at me. “You got in the car with me, didn’t you? Surely you have to think we still have a chance.”

“That means nothing and you know it. I thought that maybe, just maybe you were going to man up for what you did. Admit that you were wrong and call all of this bullshit off, because I’m so over all of this.”

“But you’re not over me,” he said with hopeful eyes.

“It took me less than a second to get over you,” I said through clenched teeth. “I don’t deserve to have a pathetic fucker like you in my life.”

“Gianna, please.”

I unbuckled my seatbelt and turned to face him so I could angrily point my finger in his face. “Fuck you. Fuck your apologies. Fuck your feelings. Fuck your excuses. And fuck you. I never loved you.” I stared at his face for a moment, waiting to see the pain flicker across his face. I wanted to see him in pain. I wanted to see him hurting. But the pain never came. His expression sat like stone – untouched, unmoving. And I knew that I needed to get out of the car and run away as fast as I could.

I turned to reach for the door handle but he pushed down the locks. I tried to grab onto it before it could sink down into the door. I tried to claw at it to pull it back up, but there was no use.

“Let me out,” I said in the strongest tone I could manage. My words broke, and just like that I was weak again.

“You don’t want out,” he said slowly.

“Fuck you!” I screamed. “You don’t know shit about what I want. Unlock the fucking door!” I screamed in a panic.

Not again. Not again. Not again. His hand firmly grabbed onto my bicep and jerked me away from the door and turned me to face him. His eyes were cold, lifeless.

He pulled the zipper down on his pants and I tried to pull away from him and use my legs to kick at the door. Maybe I could break the window if I kicked hard enough. I tried to lift my legs to kick out the window, but before I could even turn my body all the way towards the door, Josh grabbed both sides of my head with his grimy hands and pulled my lips to his. I tried to push him off and move my head, but he forced his lips onto mine and there was nothing I could do but cry. The tears ran down my face and I tried to let out audible sobs but his lips covered my mouth so all I could do was let out cries from inside my throat.

He pulled away with a slight moan before he jerked my head down into his lap. He pushed the tip of his penis against my lips, but I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut and pull away. I felt like I was going to throw up. But I couldn’t think through the panic that was coursing through my veins. He pushed down hard enough and forced my lips apart with his fingers. He shoved my head all the way down and I gagged loudly at the feeling of him hitting the back of my throat. I was hoping that I would throw up on him, because maybe that way I could buy myself enough time to try and get free. Or knock him out. Anything to get me out of this situation.

I was really regretting answering the phone when he called. I should have let it ring, even if it would have woken up my mom. I should have changed into my pajamas and gone to bed with sweet thoughts of Harry on my mind.

I thought about Harry and started to cry harder. How could I be stupid enough to think Josh would be nice and calm? I should have known better. It sickened me to know that I couldn’t handle myself anymore. I couldn’t make my own decisions, because all of the decisions I made were stupid and wrong. Except with Harry. With Harry, I was always better.

I tried to bite down as he forcefully moved my head up and down, but I couldn’t. He filled my mouth all the way and I couldn’t control my jaw muscles with my mouth being held so forcefully. I tried to scream, but there was nothing I could do. He forced me down faster and faster and my mouth was starting to hurt and my breathing was starting to restrict as I began to panic.

He started to moan out my name and told me that he was close and I tried so hard to pull away. I tried so hard to do something to get away from him. All I could do was keep fighting it and fighting it. I was not going to give up.

He finished in my mouth and I gagged again. He let go of me and I lifted my head up.

“See, that wasn’t so bad?” he said with a smile.

As a response, I spit his own cum out of my mouth and onto his face. As an immediate reaction, his hand lifted up and hit me away from him. I flew back into the seat and he unlocked the door before forcefully pushing me off of the seat and half onto the gutter, half onto the curb of the sidewalk. My breathing hitched even more when my body hit the edge of the curb, pain immediately spreading throughout my back.

“Learn some fucking manners. You’re disgusting,” he spit out the door, and I could feel it spray onto my face. He pulled away without even shutting the door. The force of his acceleration closed to the door for him.

I searched my pockets for my cell phone as a panic attack took over my body. I knew that this one was going to kill me for sure. I tried my breathing patterns, but I could hardly choke out a single breath through my sobs. I closed my mouth for a split second and licked my chapped lips. I felt a mixture of his semen and spit on the corner of my mouth and my stomach lurched out of my throat. I doubled over and threw up into the gutter. I couldn’t keep my body supported in the hunching position because of the pain in my back. I continued to vomit. I could feel it hitting my left leg as I sat in the gutter and I could smell the chunks in my hair.

I was breathless both from my panic attack and my vomiting, and eventually gave in to the fatigue and let myself fall backwards. My butt was sitting in the gutter. My back was stretched backwards over the curb. My head hit the cement and I tried to let out a shriek at the pain, but my lungs continued to heave, not allowing any sound to escape as I laid there and waited for the familiar feeling of my vision turning black and my head succumbing to the dizziness.

Notes

This was a bit difficult for me to write. So sorry if any of you had trouble reading this, but I won't be sorry if any of you are offended by this. This story is rated NC-17 for a reason, and I had this planned for a while now.

But I will be sorry for anyone who has gone through something similar like this. I wrote about this since things like this do happen in real-life, and I hope none of you have ever experienced this. Just know that there is help out there and people you could talk to.

Now that that's over, I really hope you guys do comment, rate, and subscribe. I would like to know everyone's thoughts about this chapter and how you feel about Josh. Also, how you feel about how my story is progressing in general.

I did say that big things were coming...