I Can Change Your Life

I dreamt that I was taken to the hospital. I dreamt that I actually had the audacity to drag that blade over my neck. But I didn’t die. It just drained me of my power and control. I was put on a strict schedule – never to be alone, always forced to talk about my feelings, always forced to eat, always forced to cry, always forced to walk, always forced to do something productive.

I also dreamt that I was Pocahontas. I was strong, and no man or woman could get in my way of what I wanted. I threw myself in front of the ones I cared about because I was stronger than any words or threats that were thrown at me. I dreamt that I threw myself over my weak, and curled up body. I shielded myself from everything.

I woke up to an empty room. No Harry. No Louis. No Liam. No Niall. No mom. Just the sunlight pouring through the windows. I thought that I was going to panic, but I was actually quite calm. I walked up to the window to see Harry’s car still parked outside of my house. He was still there and I had nothing to worry about. I decided to take my time and enjoy being alone, because once I walked downstairs to face everybody, I knew that things wouldn’t be the same anymore. Nothing was going to be the same.

I cleaned my room up even though it was pretty much spotless. I put my clothes in the dirty hamper and walked into the bathroom. I pulled a towel out from the cupboard and pulled my hair out of the tangled bun that I had slept in. I took a minute to stare at myself in the mirror while the water in the tub got warm.

I was in shape, and I knew that I wasn’t ugly. But to me I just felt disgusting. Dirty. On the outside I was pretty, but on the inside I was empty and taken advantage of. I felt like my skin was grimy and that my regrets were seeping through my pores and coating my appearance. I stepped into the shower and took my time washing myself over and over again. I washed my hair two times. I shaved my legs very thoroughly. I shaved my armpits to perfection. I washed over my body several times. I cleansed myself.

I lotioned up my entire body before I put on some comfortable clothes. Jeans and a t-shirt. I didn’t bother with my makeup, and I left my hair wrapped up in a towel to dry. I skipped down the stairs in my usual gallop. When I got downstairs I saw Harry sitting on the couch with Louis, Niall, and Liam all standing in front of him. Just like on the day before school started.

Without any instruction, I sat down beside Harry. Our knees were pressed up against each other, but he didn’t move away like before. He kept his knee up against mine, even moving closer to me so the sides of our thighs were pushed tightly up against each other.

“The first thing I would like to do is apologize,” Louis said softly. “I was way out of line. And I’m sorry for what I said to you, Gianna. But I’m not sorry for leading you to what you said.”

“It’s better now, knowing these things. Better for you to admit to them, too,” Liam said.

Niall nodded in agreement. His gaze remained on the floor and I couldn’t help but think back to when I had seen the tears on the brim of his eyes last night.

“We are sitting you down because we want to talk to you about two things. First is, we all talked last night and we all thought that it would be really helpful for you to see a professional about this. Whether or not you decide to take things to the police and report Josh for what he has done is completely up to you. We would hope that you would try to report him, but we understand that your well-being is first here,” Louis said.

I bit my bottom lip and nodded. Professional help. I mulled over the idea in my head, gently weighing the pros and cons of the situation. I suppose that now I have done the hardest part, talking about it wouldn’t be so bad. But a part of me wanted to object and say that I had all of them, and that was all of the help I could get. But that would be putting a lot on their shoulders and I didn’t want to drag them down any more than I already had.

“Why is Harry sitting down, too?” I asked after a moment of silence.

“That leads us into the second thing,” Liam said.

“Yeah,” Louis agreed. “We all know that it’s not our business about what is going on between you two. Whether you’re dating, having sex, or whatever – that’s your business and when you’re ready to tell us what is happening, we’ll listen. We won’t try to pry into your guys’ relationship anymore. But in return, we ask that you don’t sneak around anymore. We just want to make sure there are no more secrets.”

“We’re all in this together, Gianna,” Niall finally spoke. He looked up to meet my gaze. He gave me a smile that was weak, but the impact was strong. Seeing Niall smile at me somehow gave me the strength I needed to accept this conversation.

I felt Harry’s hand gently rub my knee. I turned to look at him and he smiled at me with those gentle eyes of his. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t.

“No more secrets,” I said as I slowly turned my head over to the guys. I gave them a smile and let out a deep breath. “I can’t promise anything, but I will try my hardest.”

Harry’s hand softly squeezed my knee as a response. I knew that he would wait for me to get better before we could commit to anything. But I was still so afraid of losing him. I should probably tell him that I did want him to be my boyfriend, but I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready to take on so much at once. I felt selfish for it, but at this point, I needed to be selfish. I needed to fix myself before I could let others try to accept me.

“So, I hate to bring this up, but it is inevitable. You’re going to have to talk to your mother.” Louis’s lips were in a hard line.

I loved my mother to bits, and we had a decent relationship, but we weren’t really invested in each other’s lives too much. I liked it that way though. We got along and everything, but for some reason having to tell her seemed a lot harder than I expected. I thought about how awkward it would be. My mother hardly knew the extent of my feelings for Josh when I had them. I was pretty sure that she thought I was still a virgin.

I felt my eyes stinging, but no tears would come out. I had cried myself dry the night before. I squeezed Harry’s arm and let out a shaky breath. “Okay, but I’m going to do it after the week. She was just in Hawaii and I don’t want to ruin her weekend with this.”

The boys all nodded. I could tell they didn’t like the idea of waiting, but still agreed.

The room was starting to become unbearably quiet. I was thankful when Louis’s phone rang from his pocket.

“Hello? Hi, mom…Yeah, sure… Okay...can Gianna come? Okay…thanks.” He shoved the phone back into the pocket of his shorts and turned over to us.

“We’re having a barbeque at our house and have to head over there. Gianna can come, but I have to take you guys home,” Louis said as he looked over to Niall and Liam. They groaned but eventually went to grab their things.

Once at Louis’s house, I felt incredibly awkward. Louis told me in the car that he had somewhat told his parents about what was going on, but not too far into detail. I was worried that they would baby me, or try to get me to talk about it.

I rode in the backseat while Louis drove us over to his house after dropping the boys off at home. We parked across the street from his house since the rest of his family had taken up most of the parking. I immediately met Harry’s side and our hands laced together. It was the first time Harry and I had ever held hands like this. I liked the feeling. It felt natural. Louis looked back at us once he reached the front door. He noticed our hands tangled together and smiled to himself.

The barbeque wasn’t as bad as I thought. Louis's parents didn’t bring anything up, and everything felt normal. As we sat around the table in the backyard, Harry kept his left hand on my thigh while he ate with his right hand.

After the barbeque, Harry brought me home. He came inside for a while because I didn’t want to fall asleep alone. He pulled off his shirt and passed it over to me. I smiled warmly as I removed everything but my underwear and pulled his shirt on over my body. He gave me a smile while he pulled his jeans off and climbed into my bed.

I climbed over him to sleep next to the wall. He wrapped his arms around me as I twirled his hair around my fingers.

“I like it when you wear my shirts,” he said quietly.

“I like it when you sleep in my bed,” I replied.

“I wish we could just live together. That way I could always have you in my arms at night,” he said as he placed a kiss on my forehead.

The idea sent butterflies bursting in my stomach. I thought back to the image of him barefoot and shirtless while cooking in the kitchen. I thought back to the image of him cleaning my house with me. I thought back to when we were sitting on the couch, watching TV together. I could see myself with him in every moment for the rest of my life.

“Yeah,” I said softly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” he replied.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I hated to bring up the night before, but I couldn’t stop the questions from eating away at me. “How can you stand to touch me knowing that nine other guys have…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I felt disgusting again. Like I needed to shower over and over again until I could clean myself of the idea of nine other men that had their bodies on mine.

“I told you that nothing would change how beautiful you are to me,” he said simply. “No matter what. You’re still my Gianna.”

I couldn’t help myself. My immediate response was to press my lips up against his in a strong kiss. Our lips immediately began to move together. His tongue made its way into my mouth, and mine immediately responded. Harry slowly began to sit up so his back was up against my headboard. Our lips remained connected, our tongues wrestling, and our hands grabbing at each other. He pulled me over to him so I was straddling him. I went to lift for the bottom of my shirt, but Harry stopped me.

“We should probably go to bed,” he said in a breathless whisper against my lips.

“W-what?” I stammered out. I was far too ready for sex. There was no way he was going to do this to me. “Are you insane?” I breathed out. My chest was heaving and my clothes were starting to feel out of place on my skin.

“We have school tomorrow and it’s already past eleven,” he said.

“…and?” I replied as I connected our lips again. He couldn’t deny the kiss. He fell right back into it.

“I need to ask you something,” he said suddenly.

I pulled away, angry that he had to keep ruining the mood like this. “Okay?”

“Is sex really that important to you? Like, Louis said it means a lot to you. Is that true?”

“Yes,” I said. I couldn’t help the blush that crept onto my cheeks. Sex was a big deal for me. I loved to have sex, and even though I was taken advantage of so many times, I still longed for it.

“But like…how? Even after…all that. How can you stand to be touched?”

I sighed. “I only like sex with people that I care about. Josh and I didn’t have sex often, and when we did I never enjoyed it because of what he would get others to do to me. With you, I feel good. Not just sexually, but about myself. I feel accepted and sexy and…loved. And that means a lot to me when it’s coming from someone who I want to accept me and…love me.”

Using the word love with Harry made me nervous. I was afraid of how he might respond, and I was afraid that he would think that I trying to tell him that I loved him. Which, I guess I kind of was, but not in so many words. I just wanted him to know that I did care for him more than I had ever cared for anyone else in my life.

Harry gave me a smirk and I knew that he liked my response. He connected our lips again and for a good ten minutes we sat there, just making out. Our tongues tangled, our hands roaming, our bodies pressed tightly against each other.

“You’re not still sore, are you?” he asked as he pulled away from the kiss.

I could feel his arousal beneath me. I bit my lip and shook my head slowly. Without hesitation he reached over to my nightstand. He pulled out a box of condoms from the back of the shelf and grabbed one out of the box.

“I hope you don’t mind that I put these here,” he said as he handed me the condom.

I ripped open the wrapper and pulled down his boxers. I felt like a professional now that I had put on the condom for him once before. I liked having this job. It made me feel powerful. I rolled the condom down his length and as soon as it was on, he reached under my shirt to pull my panties off. Instead of pulling them down my legs he tore them open and threw them to the floor. I let out a slight gasp as he quickly lifted me up by my hips and lower me onto him.

I moaned out at the feeling. I felt a bit sore when he pulled back out, but it only added to the pleasure. I placed my hands on his shoulders for support as I began to move my body.

He let out a groan and mumbled out how he liked it when I rode him. I picked up my pace, using my hips and knees to go harder.

We both came quickly and at the same time. I let my arms sloppily wrap around his neck as I collapsed my chest against him with him still inside of me.

His breathing was still shaky. He kissed me on my forehead and said, “You are loved.”

I knew that this was him replying to me telling him how I care about him. I could have cried I was so happy. I knew that Harry cared about me, but hearing him say it without making it so definite gave me hope for myself and for us.

I wanted to be with Harry forever. I wanted to wake up to his arms wrapped around my waist. I wanted to spend lazy Saturday afternoons watching TV with him, and I wanted to share my bed with him at night. I wanted to cook him dinner and make him laugh. I wanted to support him in everything he ever did, and I wanted to help him be better in everything he did, because I knew that he made me better and would only continue to make me be a better me. I wanted him to love me unconditionally and I wanted to love him more than he loved me.

I wanted to get help with dealing with my past. I wanted to send Josh away for what he had done to me. And I wanted to be strong again, for Harry, for Louis, for Niall, for Liam, and for me.

Notes

A little bit of a shorter chapter, but there is still so much to happen in this story.