I Can Change Your Life

“Do you like it rough?” I asked Liam as we all sat on the trampoline in my backyard. We had a bottle of whiskey sitting in the center of us, closed of course, in case any of us moved and the bottle was to spill. Niall was on lid duty since he loved his whiskey so much – he was always making sure the cap was screwed on tightly after each use.

We had developed our own little drinking game that we liked to call hot seat. We thought of it back in our sophomore year, but this was my first time playing with Harry present. It was usually just me, Liam, Niall, and Louis. And sometimes another friend of the guys that might tag along. The rotations went counter-clockwise, and when it came to you, every person in the circle got to ask you a question and you have to answer each one. If there’s a question you don’t want to answer you have to take three swigs from the bottle. It was a great way for us to learn more about each other, and get really drunk in the process. We used to play it as only one swig from the bottle, but as we got more comfortable with each other we felt comfortable answering more questions, so we didn’t get that drunk. Now, when the rare chance happens that you don’t want to answer, you’re basically taking three shots at once.

Liam laughed a bit and went to reach for the bottle. He pulled his hand back, teasing the group. “It really depends,” he said truthfully. “I can be a sweet lover, though. But, like last night, it just had to be rough.”

Everybody in the group laughed at Liam’s answer.

“Alright, Harry,” Liam said as he looked to his right. “Let’s see…oh, I know! Boobs or butt?”

Harry scoffed. “Neither,” he said. “Well, kind of butt, if I had to choose one. I have a thing for really nice thighs though.” Harry shot me a look from the corner of his eye and subtly bit his lip. I looked down to avoid my cheeks from heating up.

Liam nodded as if he could understand where Harry was coming from.

“Alright,” Niall stopped to think for a minute. “Uh, what’s the biggest regret of your high school career?”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” Liam said.

Harry thought for a minute. He looked over to me. “I regret not getting to know Gianna sooner,” he smiled.

“Aww!” I said and threw my arms around him in a sloppy hug. He replied by messy up my hair.

“That’s cute,” Liam said with his hands next to his face and his best imitation of a mother’s voice.

“My turn,” Louis said forcefully. He had a determined look on his face. “When was the last time you had sex?”

Harry pulled away from me and reached for the bottle. As he screwed off the lid, we all booed him. I only booed him because I didn’t want it to look weird. I was far too paranoid about the boys catching on. Niall already knew, and that was one person too many. As we booed, Niall’s eyes caught mine and he gave me a wink.

He set the bottle back down in the middle after fastening the lid.

It was my turn to ask a question, and I already knew what I wanted to ask. It was something that I really did want to know, and by asking it in a large group, I would be avoiding any sort of awkward conversation that would follow. “How many people have you slept with?”

Harry gave me a slight smile, almost as if he was expecting me to ask him. “Four,” he answered.

“Alright, Gianna. Now it’s your turn,” Harry said with a smile. I was somewhat expecting him to ask me the same question, but I was really glad when he didn’t ask me anything sexual at all. “What are your plans for after graduation?”

I sat to think for a minute. I hadn’t even thought about my future. College wasn’t really a possibility since I didn’t have the best grades. I didn’t have anything that I was really good at that I could pursue. I had nothing going for me. “I have no fucking idea,” I laughed. “You guys are stuck with me forever. Once your band is all big and famous I’m just going to follow you all around the world and mooch off of you guys.”

I gave them all a sheepish smile, and in return Louis gave me a wide grin. Harry looked at me with hopeful eyes, and I didn’t want to read too far into their reactions.

Liam and Niall asked me questions about school and I answered them quickly. I was afraid of what Louis was going to ask me. I was pretty sure that he had asked Harry’s question for a reason, and I kind of knew what that reason was.

“When was the last time you had sex?” he spat out without any hesitation. Liam and Niall gave him crap for repeating a question, but soon gave me more crap as soon as I took the bottle of whiskey from Harry’s hands. I took three big gulps before handing it back over to him.

“Fuck,” I said as I cringed. “You guys are going to make me into a fucking alcoholic.”

“You could have just answered the question,” Louis said with attitude. His face was serious and his eyes were angry.

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes. “When was the last time you had sex, then, Lou?”

“Two weeks ago,” he answered with a shrug. “Next fucking question.”

“What the fuck?” I asked loudly. Louis was supposed to be my best friend and he hadn’t even told me he had sex with anybody? But then again, I was guilty of that, too. “With who?”

“Um, it’s Niall’s turn,” Liam said, awkwardly. Niall and Liam were trying not to look at us. I stared right into Louis's eyes with anger, and he stared right back at me. The game didn’t matter anymore, now it was just me and Louis about to get into an argument.

“This girl I’ve been seeing,” Louis answered as he stared into my eyes. “When was the last time you had sex, Gianna?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone?”

“Why won’t you tell me the last time you had sex?”

I continued to stare into his eyes.

“I thought I was your best friend. I know you’re keeping things from me. I don’t know exactly what, but I have my suspicions.” His eyes flashed over to Harry for a quick second and then back over to me. I tried my best to stay strong. “If you’re not telling me everything, then why should I tell you everything?”

I narrowed my eyes just a bit more but didn’t say anything.

“So, let’s try this again,” Louis said. “When was the last time you had sex?”

“Fine, you really want to know?” I asked, throwing my hands up. Louis nodded once. “Last night during the party.”

“With who?” he asked, mimicking my question from earlier.

“It doesn’t matter,” I lied. “Nobody important.”

I bit my bottom lip and hoped that Harry wouldn’t take that personally. He did matter, and he was important. But I just couldn’t tell Louis about me and Harry, not like this. The rest of the guys sat and stared at us, sharing occasional sips of the whiskey. After I spoke, Harry grabbed the bottle and gave it about five big gulps. I felt horrible for what I had said. Why did I always have to fuck things up?

“Oh, so now we’re just going to lie about it?” Louis laughed. “Sex is important to you, Gianna. I of all people know that. You’ve told me. I know that you don’t just sleep with anybody.”

“Well, maybe you don’t know me so well, then,” I said angrily. I tried to fight back the tears. Josh was on my mind and I wanted to get him out of my head, but no matter what he always burrowed his way back in even without him even trying.

“Oh, okay. Then prove me wrong Gianna. Tell me, how many people have you slept with?” Louis crossed his arms over his chest.

“Ten,” I answered with my eyes shut. The tears were starting to fall from my eyes.

“T-ten?” Louis spat out, shock all over his face. “Who are you? I feel like I don’t even know you.”

“You know exactly who I am, Lou. You just don’t know the whole story! Not everybody can just throw themselves out there. I keep things to myself for a reason,” I said as the tears began to pour from my eyes. “It’s not like I wanted to sleep with ten different guys.”

“What does that mean?” Louis asked. He was starting to become a bit gentler now that I was crying.

I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I wanted to drink the rest of the damn whiskey bottle and black out the night so I could lie and say that I didn’t remember a thing. I wanted to go back to before this argument started. I wanted to get away from all of this. I didn’t want my past to haunt me anymore.

“Let’s rephrase the question and see how things sound,” I said. “Maybe you should ask me how many guys have slept with me? Maybe I wasn’t the one who wanted it!”

Harry grabbed onto my shoulder and turned so I was facing him. “Gianna, what are you saying?” His eyes searched mine. They were always so gentle. I wondered what mine looked like. Probably a pit of swimming demons daring to surface.

“You do realize what you are getting at is really serious,” Liam said with the same gentle eyes. “Don’t you?”

“Gianna,” Niall looked up at me with tears resting on the brim of his eyes. “Gianna, tell us what happened.”

“Fine!” I shouted. I stood up on the trampoline, causing everybody to move a bit. I walked over to the edge and got off of the trampoline. They all stared at me as I stood in the grass beside them. “You wanna know me? You want to know everything?” My words slurred slightly and everything was wobbly. After drinking in a sitting position and standing up quickly, all of the alcohol spread through my body. It was safe to say that I was pretty drunk.

“Well, here it is,” I cried out. “After Josh and I started to be sexually active, Josh used to get me really drunk at parties, and it all started one night when three of his best friends decided it would be cool to take advantage of me while I was drunk. Josh thought it was funny,” I laughed. “Funny,” I repeated.

The boys had mortified looks on their faces. Louis couldn’t even look at me.

“Oh wait,” I shouted. “No, that’s not it! So far we’re only at four guys. We’ve got more to tell!” I shouted.

“Josh liked the idea of letting his friends violate me. He would beat me into submission and get his friends all wasted so they would fuck me while Josh held me down. Three of his best friends, two strangers that we met at a random party, two college guys that Josh met through his sister, and Josh’s very own younger brother.”

The tears wouldn’t stop. They poured out of me faster than my words. I had never spoken about this to anyone, and it felt a lot different than I expected. I expected it to be liberating, freeing even, but all I felt was worse and worse. I felt belittled, I felt stupid, I felt embarrassed, and I felt disgusting for letting this all happen to me. I was weak.

“Oh, shit!” I called out through audible sobs. “Sorry for being someone else. You thought differently about me. I’m not strong, I have no future. I’m fucking weak and pathetic, and fucking useless. I let shit like this happen to me because I just want to be accepted. I want to feel wanted. I crave the admiration and then I push it away because I get too scared,” I looked right at Harry. He had to know that I was talking about him now. “I finally get something good in my life and I’m too fucking weak to accept it. I’m fucked up. Nobody wants me. I don’t even want me.”

I sat still for a moment and let my head bow. The tears continued to fall. I gently wiped them away and laughed at myself before turning around and heading into the house. I didn’t know where to go; I didn’t know what to do. There was no way I could escape the guys. I knew that in a matter of seconds they would all be heading into the house to look for me. But I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to be nothing.

I stumbled into the kitchen and opened the drawers frantically. I searched through each drawer until I found the sharpest knife in the kitchen. My mom never cooked, but years ago she went through a cooking phase and ended up buying a set of expensive knives. Only one was left. I held it up to my throat, ready to just slice away my life and let my past bleed its way out of me and out of my existence.

I felt the contact of the blade against my skin and pushed down. All I needed to do was drag my arm to the side and it would be done. It would all be over.

I closed my eyes and tried to get myself to do it. I tried to get myself to take advantage of my drunken body just like everybody else seemed to like to do. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. I needed to be stronger, I needed to stop being so weak. All I ever was, was weak. I couldn’t stand up for myself, not even against myself. I dropped the knife and screamed out as loud as I could. I let my body slowly crumble to the floor as I continued to just scream. My hands made their way into my hair and I pulled on it before pulling it into my face.

I sat in the kitchen with my knees pressed up against my chest, the knife sitting beside me, a small stream of blood trickling onto my shirt from where the blade had barely cut my skin, and my hands clutching onto my hair.

I could feel the air shift as someone kneeled down in front of me. He pushed my hair out of my face and looked right into my eyes. I knew it would be Harry who would come find me first.

Tears stained his cheeks and his eyes stared deeper into me. He searched and searched them, until he found what he was looking for. I gave up and I let my guard down. I wrapped my right arm around his neck and pulled his lips to mine.

I heard Louis, Niall, and Liam walk into the kitchen and stop a few feet away from us. They stopped their talking and watched as Harry kissed me back. I wrapped my arms around him as he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled away from the kiss. I buried my face into his shoulder and let the tears spill out onto his shirt. He carried me up the stairs and into my bedroom.

“I-I’m…” I wanted to apologize, but I couldn’t speak because of my tears and hiccups that were interrupting me.

“No,” he said softly as he sat me down on my bed. I crawled into the blankets and he got in after me. “Listen to me. Gianna, what you’ve said can’t be undone. This is the first step to a better life. You have to face your demons or they’ll continue to feed off of you until you have nothing left. Take what you have left and use it to grow. Use it to fight. We’ll talk more in the morning about it, but just know that we…we love you,” he said quietly.

“Harry,” I said softly as my body grew tired. The tears continued to pour from my eyes, draining me of the small amount of energy I had left. I wanted to tell him that I loved them, too. That I loved him. I wanted to tell him how I really felt. How I really wanted to feel. But I couldn’t do it. All good things come to an end. And this was my ending.

Notes

hey everybody!
happy new year to all :)

GIANNA'S PAST HAS FINALLY BEEN REVEALED!
LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!

BIG THINGS ARE COMING!!!!