I was in a state of nothing but darkness. Darkness I've been looking forward to for ages. Had I died? Had this been my hell? What happens now, do I get to roam around the world as a spirit? Maybe I could scare the shit out of my worthless parents. Maybe I'd become some sort of an animal, probably a snake. I laughed at all the things I made up in my mind. "Clear!" I hard a faint yell. What was going on? Was I not alone in here? "I said clear!" The voice got louder. "I got a heartbeat!" No! this couldn't be happening. I felt multiple hands on me as they tried to fix me, I didn't want to be fixed, I wanted to be left to die like the plan I had made up.

__________

I felt my eyes shoot open before I could process what was going on. I looked around to be met with five pairs of eyes. They all looked frightened, broken, distraught. One of them stepped forward and placed a his hand on mine. "You're okay." He gave me a small smile. "I'm Zayn." I shook my hand away feeling the sharp pain in every line I cut. "Careful, you need to let those heal." I looked over to the blonde one who looked pale. He didn't meet my gaze, he simply looked down.

"What's your name love?" The curly haired one, Harry, spoke. I shook my head not wanting to speak to them.

"You should've let me die." I spoke harshly. They all looked down shaking their heads.

"We need to let your parents know you're okay." I huffed.

"They could care two shits about me." I felt the tears begin to sting in my eyes. I shook them away and looked at them.

"We weren't just going to let you kill yourself." Liam spoke.

"And why the hell not? You don't know me! You don't know how much I deserved to die!" Niall shook his head and stepped forward meeting my crying eyes at last.

"No one deserves to die, no one." I shook my head.

"You don't know anything." I spoke softly.

____________

1 Year Later
(A/N: I know huge time skip but I promise it'll all make sense over time.)

I sat on my bed on the One Direction tour bus. I've been by their side since my suicidal attempt. Not by choice either. They refused to let me alone. And I don't mean just during the day. If I needed to take a shower one of them had to be outside the bathroom door waiting for me, making sure I don't take longer than usual. Same goes for using the toilet. It wasn't comfortable. When I slept one of them had to sleep with me, one of them being Zayn. Zayn was the one who looked after me at night while the other boys took their turns to be around me each day. The fans had not taken me quite well. They've sent death threats and had even thrown things at me while being out. I didn't blame them. They knew I was nothing but a pathetic girl.

I scrolled down the twitter feed on Niall's account and saw nothing but nasty things.

Go kill yourself, no one likes you.

I knew it was true. But they don't know my story. The boys kept it a secret from everyone, even management. To everyone I was 'The stylist.' It was all bullshit.

The day I was released from the hospital, I attempted to kill myself again and that's when they boys decided not to leave me alone. But that didn't stop me. Everyday for a year now I've slit my tighs. The boys don't know, which I'm glad for. "Hannah?" Niall's Irish voice broke me from my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I closed his computer and stepped out of bed.

"You need to get ready." I looked at him odly.

"Why?" He chuckled.

"We have an interview today, remember?" I sighed and nodded. They boys had planned out an interview for me to get my story out. I wasn't exactly happy about it but hey I had no choice. "You don't have to do this, you know." I shook my head.

"It's fine."

_________

"You guys didn't tell me it was going to be and E! special!" I looked at Ryan Seacrest.

"Surprise." Louis smiled. I shook my head and walked over to the couch where we'd be getting interviewed.

"Don't be mad, this is a better way for you to let everyone know." I nodded as Zayn took his seat next to me. Liam on my other side.

"So, the camera's will be rolling soon." Ryan smiled. "It's a pleasure to meet you Miss Smith." I smiled and shook his hand.

"You're on in 5...4....3.....2...1" The camera man pointed at us.

"Seems like One Direction has a secret, and this secret's name is Hannah Smith." He motioned his hand towards me.

"That's me." The boys chuckled.

"So I heard you wanted to tell you're story?" I nodded.

"Well, no one knows who I really am, and I think it's time to set the truth free." I took a deep breathe. "About a year ago I attempted to kill myself." I began as I felt Zayn's hand grip mine. "My life was never really easy, my family wasn't the richest people and they weren't the nicest people either." I paused. "I had to work for my food, my clothes, my shelter. At age twelve I had everything made up for me. I didn't like where my life was going by the time I turned nineteen so I raised money and rented a hotel room for a week." I looked down. "I didn't want anyone to find me dead till I was actually rotting." I admitted. "I waited three days for a sign to tell me not to do it, anything, a phonecall, someone to tell me everything was going to be okay." I shook my head looking back up. "But nothing. So I finally caved in. It didn't work out well though, I was getting some ice before I realized I looked myself out of my room." I giggled. "Silly me." Liam took a hold of my free hand. "I looked around for anyone to help but I didn't see anyone. I saw a mirror and I took a good look at myself, I looked like shit." I chocked out remembering everything. "I smatched the mirror and took a piece of it and started slicing my skin." I let go of both Liam's and Zayn's hands and removed my jacket revealing every scar. "That's when I heard the boys." I took a hold of their hands once more. "They came around the corner and looked at me." I shook my head as tears started to pour out. "I don't regret trying to kill myself, it's gotten me five amazing people that care about me. But I do regret seeing their faces. I wish I could take away that memory they have of me, the way they saw me so broken. So bloody." I chocked out as I felt Harry rub my back. "They saw me stab myself and they watched me die. The mental picture that they have of me when they first met me will always be me covered in cuts and blood. And I wish I could take it away, I do. Because everytime they see me that's all they see." I looked at Niall. "I wish I hadn't made you so afraid of me, I know it was hard for you to see me like that, and I'm so sorry." I sobbed out shoving my face into the crook of Liam's neck. They sniffled. I knew I had ruined their dreams. I knew Niall woke up multiple times seeing me that way, he couldn't hide it. I looked up and rubbed my eyes taking yet another deep breath. "And then there's the fans telling me to kill myself." I looked to every single face in that room. "And that just encourages me to do it. There's not a single day I don't slice my skin. And I'm sorry you guys never noticed but I do." I looked down. "It gets harder everyday, I got these five guys that actually care for me and all I'm trying to do is elimanate myself from this world." I paused.

"We'll never let you do that." Louis spoke. "No matter how much we have to convince you that you're worthy, we're never going to give up on you. We love you, and we know you love us." He hugged me.

"I just wish I could make myself believe it." I spoke softly.

Notes

do you like this story?

btw: how about that new song harry released. Don't let me go. pretty amazing, don't you think?