Flawed [Ashton Irwin]
Chapter five
Luna
I have for a few years now been wondering whether I love or dread Wednesday’s. Sometimes I would be really excited for this day to come, other days I would really fear that this time something really bad might happen. I am never sure what to expect. I have grown used to the smell of medication, which blindly reminds me of my childhood, when I used to be really sensitive and get ill very often. My mom always took me to the hospital in those cases, she would never just let me stay at home in bed and eat some chicken soup. I guess that is also the reason she put her own mother in a hospital. She always tries to take care of things the safest way, but that way might not always be the best one.
I have picked one day of the week in which I would visit my grandma, see how she’s doing. Wednesday was one of the days in which they would accept visits. There was also Friday, but usually on Friday’s I like going out to eat, walking on the beach or going to the library. By myself, of course, unfortunately. Sometimes I get my dad to come with me, his company is nice.
Today is Wednesday, the day I have been waiting to come since, well, last Wednesday. It was really hard for me to concentrate at all at school today, it’s just one of those days in which the weather gives me a really bad mood and I seem to zone out most of the time or almost fall asleep with my eyes open. I don’t like rain or cloudy skies, they make me really tired and I just feel grumpy all day. All week I couldn’t wait for this day to finally come and now, I just feel like going home and taking a twenty-four hour nap. But I never break my promises; if I promised my grandmother I will visit her every Wednesday, then I will.
Right after I get out of school I go to the hospital she is at. They have an entire section dedicated to people with the same disease as my grandma. Every time I go there it’s really hard to not leave with tears in my eyes when I see all the other people around there, struggling for their life. I try to interact with everyone and have actual conversations, but it’s really hard when all they do is make weird sounds and have respiratory attacks when trying to talk.
Today is the beginning of summer, the 1st of June. When I was little I remember my grandmother taking me out in the park for ice cream almost every day of the summer. Just a few years later she started feeling really bad and eventually was hospitalized back in 2012. I miss her old self sometimes, I just think about how it could have been for us if she didn’t get sick. But I guess there’s nothing you can do to change the past, so you just have to accept it and live in the present.
I bought her some chocolate cake, which I know is her favorite. Or at least used to be. I hope it still is, or at least that she remembers it is. I take the elevator of the clinic and reach the floor she is at. Entering, I give the lady behind the counter my name and look around the big room in which everyone sits around, either asleep on their chairs or playing random board games. I spot my grandmother on a couch by herself and walk towards her. Sitting down, I pull my backpack off my shoulder and place it next to me.
“Hi, grams.” I smile and she looks at me.
“L-Luna, hello.” She stutters, her neck jerking to the left.
I place a hand on her shoulder, because I know I can’t really hug her, she would most likely hit me, even if it wasn’t intentionally. I open my bag and get out the package in which I got the slice of cake wrapped.
“I got you some cake.” I tell her and open the small container, also getting a plastic fork out.
“T-Thank you.” Her body almost jumps off the couch, but I place my arm around her shoulders and keep her steady.
“How have you been?” I ask as I cut a piece of the chocolate cake and lift it to her mouth.
“Same a-as last t-time, dar-ling.” Her stuttering is more intense than usual and it makes it really hard for me to understand what she’s actually saying, but I just nod.
“Here you go, I hope you still like this.” I bring the food up to her mouth and she opens her mouth so I can feed her.
But just before I can get the fork in her mouth, her hand slaps over mine and sends the cake flying down. It’s okay, I was kind of expecting it. That’s why I got some extra forks with me, it’s not the first time this happens, so I came prepared. Sighing, I take out a napkin and wipe the chocolate from my jumper, also bending down to pick the piece that fell on the floor. After throwing it in the trash, I come back and try again. This time she actually eats it and I can see that she likes it. Well, that’s a first, she usually spits her food out.
“You know, I am finishing school in a week.” I tell her, even though I know she probably doesn’t care, but I know her old self would really do. “Next year I am going to be a senior. Maybe you will be able to come to my graduation.” No, she won’t.
I don’t like lying to her, but I will tell her what she wants to hear. You know, whatever makes her sleep better at night. I know that she hopes she’ll get better, but there’s no cure. She’s old, she’s sick and there’s basically no hope left for her. But I like giving her hope, it sometimes even brings a smile on her face, which then makes me really happy.
Just as she tries to say something, I see she starts coughing and struggles to breathe. I immediately put the cake down and place an arm behind her head, looking around for a nurse.
“I’m gonna need some help here!” I say loudly and I see a lady running my way.
She pushes me away and I watch her stabilize my grandmother, but I know that after this it won’t be the same. They’ll just tell me to leave, because I’m only causing her pain. I wish that wouldn’t be true, but it kind of is. I sigh, running my hands through my messy hair. My hopes for her keep getting lower every time I come here. She’s basically dead, attached to life by a very thin string, struggling to climb back up; but she can’t.
After about ten minutes, they take her back to her room where I assume she’ll just sleep and forget about all of this. Like she always does. I wish it wouldn’t hurt so much, but it does. The same nurse comes back to me and I know that’s my cue to get my things and leave. I start cleaning up and getting my backpack, but then she speaks to me.
“Darling, I am sorry about your grandmother, but I think it’s about time she gets a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy. We have been thinking about it for a long while, but this time we know for sure she needs it.” She explains and I frown, not understanding a thing.
“What is that?” I ask.
“It is a feeding tube permanently attached through the abdomen to the stomach, which reduces the risk of aspirating food. It is for preventing her from chocking with food again.” I nod, now understanding. “Huntington’s disease is serious, if we don’t give her what she needs as quick as we can, her life might come to an end sooner than we think.”
“I get it, but you’ll have to talk to my mother about that. I can’t make these kind of decisions for her.” I shrug and she nods.
“We will call to tell her about it too, but just so you know.” She looks at me with pity in her eyes. “It is the best thing she could use right now.” After that I nod and she leaves. I guess it’s about time I leave as well.
I have been walking around the kid’s playground for over an hour now. I just look at all the things that have changed around here. There are new slides and swings painted in red, big sand boxes and everything a kid these days could wish for. It used to look a lot different when I was little, simpler. But the one thing that is still here and has never changed, is the ice cream shop that still sells the exact same ice cream. The best kind in this big city.
It is almost seven o’clock and most parents took their kids home already, but I am still here. I haven’t felt this sad in a really long time. I actually thought she was getting better; what was I even thinking? She can’t get better, there is no cure for HD, she has no hope. As the thought finally settles in my mind, I get that horrible feeling, where your heart beats fast and you feel like your lungs are closing. My eyes sting and I shut them, exhaling a long breath. I also haven’t cried in a long time, so this feels very unusual.
I take a couple of deep breathes and try to calm down. This is the situation, it is not my fault and I can’t do anything about it. I shouldn’t be crying about it. It’s just what had to happen, she doesn’t have that long to live anymore so I should get used to that. When I am a bit more calm, I tighten the jacket around myself and take my phone out. I don’t even think about what I’m doing, I just call who I know could make me feel a bit better right now.
“Hello?” He picks up from just the second ring and I sigh upon hearing his joyful tone. I haven’t talked to him in almost a week, just barely some texts here and there. School has kept me busy. I missed his voice.
“Ashton.” I swallow hard, trying to compose myself when my voice is a bit higher that it should be.
“Are you alright, Luna?” I am everything but alright, I just need some company.
“I just…” I close my eyes and smile slightly, huffing. “I could really use some ice cream right now.”
I have for a few years now been wondering whether I love or dread Wednesday’s. Sometimes I would be really excited for this day to come, other days I would really fear that this time something really bad might happen. I am never sure what to expect. I have grown used to the smell of medication, which blindly reminds me of my childhood, when I used to be really sensitive and get ill very often. My mom always took me to the hospital in those cases, she would never just let me stay at home in bed and eat some chicken soup. I guess that is also the reason she put her own mother in a hospital. She always tries to take care of things the safest way, but that way might not always be the best one.
I have picked one day of the week in which I would visit my grandma, see how she’s doing. Wednesday was one of the days in which they would accept visits. There was also Friday, but usually on Friday’s I like going out to eat, walking on the beach or going to the library. By myself, of course, unfortunately. Sometimes I get my dad to come with me, his company is nice.
Today is Wednesday, the day I have been waiting to come since, well, last Wednesday. It was really hard for me to concentrate at all at school today, it’s just one of those days in which the weather gives me a really bad mood and I seem to zone out most of the time or almost fall asleep with my eyes open. I don’t like rain or cloudy skies, they make me really tired and I just feel grumpy all day. All week I couldn’t wait for this day to finally come and now, I just feel like going home and taking a twenty-four hour nap. But I never break my promises; if I promised my grandmother I will visit her every Wednesday, then I will.
Right after I get out of school I go to the hospital she is at. They have an entire section dedicated to people with the same disease as my grandma. Every time I go there it’s really hard to not leave with tears in my eyes when I see all the other people around there, struggling for their life. I try to interact with everyone and have actual conversations, but it’s really hard when all they do is make weird sounds and have respiratory attacks when trying to talk.
Today is the beginning of summer, the 1st of June. When I was little I remember my grandmother taking me out in the park for ice cream almost every day of the summer. Just a few years later she started feeling really bad and eventually was hospitalized back in 2012. I miss her old self sometimes, I just think about how it could have been for us if she didn’t get sick. But I guess there’s nothing you can do to change the past, so you just have to accept it and live in the present.
I bought her some chocolate cake, which I know is her favorite. Or at least used to be. I hope it still is, or at least that she remembers it is. I take the elevator of the clinic and reach the floor she is at. Entering, I give the lady behind the counter my name and look around the big room in which everyone sits around, either asleep on their chairs or playing random board games. I spot my grandmother on a couch by herself and walk towards her. Sitting down, I pull my backpack off my shoulder and place it next to me.
“Hi, grams.” I smile and she looks at me.
“L-Luna, hello.” She stutters, her neck jerking to the left.
I place a hand on her shoulder, because I know I can’t really hug her, she would most likely hit me, even if it wasn’t intentionally. I open my bag and get out the package in which I got the slice of cake wrapped.
“I got you some cake.” I tell her and open the small container, also getting a plastic fork out.
“T-Thank you.” Her body almost jumps off the couch, but I place my arm around her shoulders and keep her steady.
“How have you been?” I ask as I cut a piece of the chocolate cake and lift it to her mouth.
“Same a-as last t-time, dar-ling.” Her stuttering is more intense than usual and it makes it really hard for me to understand what she’s actually saying, but I just nod.
“Here you go, I hope you still like this.” I bring the food up to her mouth and she opens her mouth so I can feed her.
But just before I can get the fork in her mouth, her hand slaps over mine and sends the cake flying down. It’s okay, I was kind of expecting it. That’s why I got some extra forks with me, it’s not the first time this happens, so I came prepared. Sighing, I take out a napkin and wipe the chocolate from my jumper, also bending down to pick the piece that fell on the floor. After throwing it in the trash, I come back and try again. This time she actually eats it and I can see that she likes it. Well, that’s a first, she usually spits her food out.
“You know, I am finishing school in a week.” I tell her, even though I know she probably doesn’t care, but I know her old self would really do. “Next year I am going to be a senior. Maybe you will be able to come to my graduation.” No, she won’t.
I don’t like lying to her, but I will tell her what she wants to hear. You know, whatever makes her sleep better at night. I know that she hopes she’ll get better, but there’s no cure. She’s old, she’s sick and there’s basically no hope left for her. But I like giving her hope, it sometimes even brings a smile on her face, which then makes me really happy.
Just as she tries to say something, I see she starts coughing and struggles to breathe. I immediately put the cake down and place an arm behind her head, looking around for a nurse.
“I’m gonna need some help here!” I say loudly and I see a lady running my way.
She pushes me away and I watch her stabilize my grandmother, but I know that after this it won’t be the same. They’ll just tell me to leave, because I’m only causing her pain. I wish that wouldn’t be true, but it kind of is. I sigh, running my hands through my messy hair. My hopes for her keep getting lower every time I come here. She’s basically dead, attached to life by a very thin string, struggling to climb back up; but she can’t.
After about ten minutes, they take her back to her room where I assume she’ll just sleep and forget about all of this. Like she always does. I wish it wouldn’t hurt so much, but it does. The same nurse comes back to me and I know that’s my cue to get my things and leave. I start cleaning up and getting my backpack, but then she speaks to me.
“Darling, I am sorry about your grandmother, but I think it’s about time she gets a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy. We have been thinking about it for a long while, but this time we know for sure she needs it.” She explains and I frown, not understanding a thing.
“What is that?” I ask.
“It is a feeding tube permanently attached through the abdomen to the stomach, which reduces the risk of aspirating food. It is for preventing her from chocking with food again.” I nod, now understanding. “Huntington’s disease is serious, if we don’t give her what she needs as quick as we can, her life might come to an end sooner than we think.”
“I get it, but you’ll have to talk to my mother about that. I can’t make these kind of decisions for her.” I shrug and she nods.
“We will call to tell her about it too, but just so you know.” She looks at me with pity in her eyes. “It is the best thing she could use right now.” After that I nod and she leaves. I guess it’s about time I leave as well.
I have been walking around the kid’s playground for over an hour now. I just look at all the things that have changed around here. There are new slides and swings painted in red, big sand boxes and everything a kid these days could wish for. It used to look a lot different when I was little, simpler. But the one thing that is still here and has never changed, is the ice cream shop that still sells the exact same ice cream. The best kind in this big city.
It is almost seven o’clock and most parents took their kids home already, but I am still here. I haven’t felt this sad in a really long time. I actually thought she was getting better; what was I even thinking? She can’t get better, there is no cure for HD, she has no hope. As the thought finally settles in my mind, I get that horrible feeling, where your heart beats fast and you feel like your lungs are closing. My eyes sting and I shut them, exhaling a long breath. I also haven’t cried in a long time, so this feels very unusual.
I take a couple of deep breathes and try to calm down. This is the situation, it is not my fault and I can’t do anything about it. I shouldn’t be crying about it. It’s just what had to happen, she doesn’t have that long to live anymore so I should get used to that. When I am a bit more calm, I tighten the jacket around myself and take my phone out. I don’t even think about what I’m doing, I just call who I know could make me feel a bit better right now.
“Hello?” He picks up from just the second ring and I sigh upon hearing his joyful tone. I haven’t talked to him in almost a week, just barely some texts here and there. School has kept me busy. I missed his voice.
“Ashton.” I swallow hard, trying to compose myself when my voice is a bit higher that it should be.
“Are you alright, Luna?” I am everything but alright, I just need some company.
“I just…” I close my eyes and smile slightly, huffing. “I could really use some ice cream right now.”
@FadingLogic
thank you so much!! x
4/24/17