Fangirl

My favorite part about the morning, not the morning where you go to a cafe and see your friends there, and you all have small talk and then you go for a jog at noon after eating a muffin, but the real, five in the morning, crispy air and tingly, cold cheeks mornings, is the silence. Even when I was sixteen, and staying awake all night in my bedroom, nothing compared to walking through the streets at five in the morning, knowing nobody is around you. Five in the morning, when the sun isn't up but the sky is light, is the best self-reflection time. No, not self-reflection, that happens when someone points out something you know and deny is wrong with you, it's more like appreciation for life. Not the people, who create chaos when it could be serenity, but the still, silent, natural nature. The birds are still quiet, the cars are yet to be driven. Nothing is wrong. Nothing needs to be fixed, or thought about. It's just... You.

That's why every morning for the past month I take the key Michael secretly leaves for me from the potted plant at four thirty in the morning and walk their dog through the street. I don't mean the sidewalk, I mean I walk him in the middle of the empty street. And it's the best feeling in the world. To have that sense of control, especially when you live with anxiety, is the best thing to feel.

Their dog really enjoys it too, he usually does his business in their backyard, since it's hard for them to walk him in public and they're too attached to him to let one of their employees walk him. He hops around a lot, like for no reason he'll be walking and then just start leaping. It's hilarious.

Then, before Luke wakes up (which is usually late anyway, he isn't a morning person) I put their dog back in their house, go home, and crawl back in bed with Luke.

He's been sleeping over a lot lately. It's really nice, I thought I would be a nervous wreck practically sharing a house with a gorgeous celebrity, but he already has a drawer here and it feels regular when he asks to just sleep here again, so that must be a good sign.

I have to admit, I love Los Angeles. The only bummer is that I have no life plan. When I was seventeen, I had this huge plan to go to a university and study journalism and work for Time magazine, but already outgrowing the fanfiction, who knows how long nonfiction writing will stick.

Every now and then I convince my third grader brain I could be an actress, but then I remember I'd be too embarrassed pretending to be someone else. Mostly because of the anxiety. When I was a kid I would die to be someone else. I liked myself- well actually, a seven-year-old doesn't think about how much self-respect they have, but I would unintentionally convince myself I was someone else to stop being nervous in class. Somehow, if I could keep the role going, it actually worked. The one that always worked was pretending my name was Roxy- for some reason that was the coolest name my little brain could think up. She always had a flare and confidence, and when she walked in the room people had to try to not stare. And for once, not in a bad way. They didn't stare at this little eight-year-old because of the not usually brushed teeth, or the fact that she wore tight purple long sleeves over bright pink dresses with red hearts, or that she was laughing at the wrong jokes and hanging with the wrong people and turning into a wrong person herself. They stared at her because of her imaginary black ripped jeans and pink hair extensions, and the fact that her chin didn't need the urge to be closer to her chest, but that it raised high, with all the stability in the world. They stared, because she didn't care if they did.

But imagining you're someone else and telling everyone around you, you can be someone else are two very different things.

I always imagined myself singing on a stage when I was younger. I liked the idea- no I loved the idea of a yellow, blinding light in my face. Not because I'd probably lose my eyesight and never have to look at my "enemy" ever again (seriously, if she wanted to start a dumb trend, why was her first thought cloth shorts and crocs?), just because I'm a fan of not knowing. Anything could be out in that crowd, and it would be for me to find out. Different people, every single day, waiting to meet me.

But then, I thought about how I'd hate to be talked about without knowing. I don't like the entitlement other people have when it comes to talking about things in celebrities lives that don't apply to them.

Then before I could think of another dream, I found 5SOS, and from then on my dream was to meet them and see if Luke would fall in love with me.

So what the fuck is my dream now?

Notes

It'll be 8am in 9 minutes and I've been awake all night, thinking about everything Riley is in this chapter (yes, everything she talks about applies to me and my past with the LA and taking their dog twist for the fanfic part), & am now questioning everything I've ever done while also being at peace with it from walking my dog through the street lmao.

Anyway, yeah, I thought I'd just take a break from the dialogue for this chapter (I didn't use a ton of it in the beginnings of this story) and just give you the point of view of Riley thinking.

Also, I'm pretty sure everything besides her brother getting engaged & only two people liking her and telling her (I found out 5 different people liked me in December what the actual fuck XD) everything I've talked about with her and her past is basically mine. She lives with her mom and older brother, except I share a bedroom with mine, I don't think I've said anything about her dad yet but that shall be explored later too.

Anyways, I really want to start making these lil chapters about her (me. lol #itsallaboutmebitches #imnotanarcissistiswear) and in general give Riley more depth past-wise. Mostly everything I say about her past (Probs 0-11 or 12 years old will be my life) will be my story, but there'll obviously be little differences since this is her story technically, but yeah.

THE END :D lmao ok

xx
-Jupiter