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"You okay, babe?" Luke asks, kissing my shoulder. I'm sitting on the couch with my computer in my lap, staring at a blank Word document.

"No," I mumble, deleting the three words I typed. There's this one, poetic, still, colourful feeling I get when I write a chapter of fanfiction. Or write anything, really. It's like besides those thirty minute moments, I'm in constant writer's block. I want to write, but if I try to, the dialogue will be quick and chunky, and whatever the character is thinking will be pointless and be a random circle of never finding a time to end it at. "I can't write."

"Sure you can." Luke encourages, "How do you usually get inspiration?"

"I don't usually need it. Meeting and having your idol fall in love with you is pretty much enough inspiration for thirty years." I think for a second. "When I was seventeen I would just stay up as late as I could and wait until I got nostalgic." I laugh.

"Then do that!" Luke cheers, giggling. Giggling. Can boys giggle? Or do they just chuckle? Whatever, my guy giggles.

"I can't," I laugh, "I'm an adult. Trying to be rebellious by disobeying a bedtime ended a long time ago."

"Okay here, I'll go home tonight. You can turn on Glee or whatever you watched back then, and write and organize your entire house until you get an idea. Because I know how much you love organizing." He beams.

I smile at him. "I do love organizing."

"Mhm," He smiles, and kisses me. "Catch you later, Hemmingway. Oh my god, imagine how cool it would be if your last name was Way. When we got married our child's last name could be Hemmingway and it wouldn't even be weird."

"Damn, my mom picked the wrong guy to marry." I shake my head.

"Totally." Luke laughs, grabbing his jacket from beside him, "See you."

"See you later, Romeo." I chuckle.

"Oo, Romeo, I like that," I hear him laugh before the door shuts.

Okay, it's eight thirty, I just have to make it to five in the morning until the pure writer kicks back in. I still remember my system, at one in the morning it feels like one in the afternoon, by three, I'm tired and hungry, by four, I'll be impatiently waiting for the sunrise, and at five, I'll make sure no one is outside before I used to sneak out the window and walk around my apartment complex, enjoying the nature. It's a little different in Los Angeles, but being here might make the nostalgia heavier, too.

~*~ Luke ~*~

"I'm tired as fuck Calum, so please, make this quick," I say, throwing my jacket on the chair.

"You have a girlfriend Luke, there's no need to act like a sexually backed up, smelly, gamer who still lives with his mom and is being asked to take out the trash." Michael chuckles from the kitchen. "He wrote a song, he wanted you to be here to hear it."

"I know, sorry, I just didn't sleep a lot last night." I shake my head.

"Wink wink." Calum jokes.

"You are all children," Ashton says.

"No," I laugh, "not like that, I'm just stressed out."

"Why?" Michael asks. "Girl problems?"

"No, Modest is asking me to make me and Riley's relationship public." I sigh, "Which of course I can't do. Riley doesn't want that, and I'm totally on board with whatever she wants but they're putting all this pressure on it."

"Tell em' to fuck off." Calum mumbles. I look over at him, and Michael gives him the you-know-he-can't-do-that-idiot look. "Anyway, I'm going to play my song now, feel free to listen."

"Title?" Michael asks him, taking all attention off me.

"San Francisco."

~*~ Max ~*~

I pick up my vibrating phone, "Hello?"

"Hey," Michael's voice says. Almost concerningly, which is very unusual. "I love you, and I don't want to approach this the wrong way, but I was talking to Luke who was talking to Riley and um... You told me you were sober."

"I am." I bite my lip as hard as possible, hoping to get away with that loophole.

"Not with weed, apparently. Which I had to find out from my best friend."

I close my eyes, "I'm sorry. I really wanted to be. Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you, I could never hate you, why didn't you tell me?" I can hear the disappointment. I feel like I'm in a middle-class family and just broke an antique vase.

"I'm not okay," I tell him. "I don't really know what's wrong, but I'm not doing okay and I don't feel okay and everywhere I go I'm out of place and everything I do and everyone who talks to me I feel like is just a waste of my life and I'm not doing life correctly, even though I'm not even sure how one does life correctly, but I feel bad about life and I don't know why."

It's quiet for a few seconds, and a part of me is scared he's going to verbally tell me how disappointed he is. "I'm booking a flight back, I'll be there Tuesday." I smile.

Notes

1. moikel for the win
2.wish me luck on staying up all night to get that 5am happiness again lol #depressedasfuck

I'm kidding I'm fine. I mean I do have depression and I am staying up all night and getting three hours of sleep so that I can feel like I love everything and everything is still and sweet and perfect and I don't have to think about anything and just be refreshingly happily peaceful, but like I'm okay and everything lmao.

tootles poodles

oH MY FUCKING GAWD I JUST REALIZED FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS WHEN I TYPE TOOTLES POODLES (SOMETIMES I ADD EATING NOODLES BC WHY NOT IM STILL A CHILD) I'M SPELLING TOOTLES WRONG AW FUCK I'M LAUGH CRYING
x

-jupiter

Comments

WHAT A CUTIIIIIEEEEEES

@Prinny1321

it's what i'm known for

urgh why would you tease me like this

Prinny1321 Prinny1321
5/4/18

@DancingInTheDark
oh shit i just saw this bc i never go on the website anymore i'm so sorryyy. i did it's @sunbxby now. i'll try to find yours tonight :))

My messages keep cutting @ketchupthedoggois my ig