Fangirl

I'm so fucking scared to see Luke. True, it's been two weeks, maybe the grieving period should be over now, and it is, it's just that I'm over it. I'm over him and us. But he's still waiting for me, and I feel like I should tell him not to. But how do you tell someone who loves you you can't love them anymore?

Calum runs over to my side of the car, and opens the door for me. Hesitantly, I get out, debating in my mind whether I could run away from this or not. "Don't look so nervous." Calum chuckles. "Luke can smell fear. It's his daily cologne." I smile, while in the outside that statement sends a flood of questions to my mind.

Why didn't I like that? It was funny. Does Luke know Calum thinks he's a wimp? Is that even what Calum meant? Why are there so many different kinds of pasta?

Cal steps past me to unlock the door, while I stand there, afraid of seeing a certain pair of blue eyes. How do I break it to him? I can't do that to him. He's so sweet to me. "You only have to be here for thirty minutes, and then we can go check out the first apartment." He assures me. I nod. Smiling, he looks back and forth between me and the open door. He slightly pushes me in, which me, being a highly unstable person, sends me stumbling into the house.

"Riley!" Michael squeals, dashing from the kitchen and dropping a bag of Doritos to hug me. "Never leave again, oh god." He laughs.

"Move it, it's my turn. She likes me more anyways." Ashton chuckles, shoving Michael off me to hug me.

"It's good to see you to." I laugh.

"Well you do!" He giggles. Michael crosses his arms in anger at Ashton. "Okay fine, just a little more." Ashton negotiates. Michael rolls his eyes, and picks up his Doritos.

"Meanie." He murmurs, sliding a chip into his mouth while glaring at Ashton.

"Um, where's-" I start.

"Luke?" Ash asks sadly, petting my hair.

"Uh, no, the bathroom. This is a new house and all." I laugh nervously.

"Oh! Right! Gosh!" Ashton sighs in relief I'm not asking for my ex boyfriend, and releases me. "Down that hallway, fourth door on your left." He smiles.

"That's a lot of doors."

"It's a bigger house than our last one." Michael shrugs. "Calum, catch." I hear as I walk to the bathroom.

Then I hear the bag of chips hit the ground and Michael starting to curse at Calum.

I laugh and look behind me. Just as I let my Luke-guard down, I bump into someone and fall over. I'm so awkward oh my god. Do I have no balance? Knowing my luck, it's probably Luke. I look up into the same blue eyes I've looked into so many times before this. Blonde hair, lip ring still in tact. No quiff. I bite my lip. I'm so not over us.

"H-Hi." I stutter.

"Hey." He mumbles coldly, not even looking at me. Or offering to help me up. You know, all Luke style things. "Sorry I knocked you over."

"It's- It's fine, I'm a clutz." I laugh nervously, standing up myself. He looks so good. "Um so, how have you been?" I smile. Take me back.

"Just great, Riley." Luke says sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Wow, okay.

"I'm sorry did I do something wrong?" I frown. He huffs, and walks away to his bedroom, so naturally I follow him. "Luke?"I shut his door gently.

He turns around with a mix of sadness and anger in his eyes. "You regret us.You regret ME."

It takes a minute for me to figure out what he's talking about. "Oh, god, Luke that's just a story."

"It's non-damn-fiction!" He yells. I flinch. I don't think Luke has ever yelled at me.

"I do not regret you. I regret.. I don't know, letting you fall in love with me. It's only hurt you."

"I was in love with you before you even met me, there was no stopping it." He rolls his eyes.

"I could've.."

"No, you couldn't have. I was meant to meet you, you were meant to meet me." Again, he rolls his eyes in annoyance. What he says is so nice, but he's so mad about it.

"Why?" I whisper. I already know what he's going to tell me. He told me all the time when we were together.

"We're meant to be together." He says, clearly still upset. "Welcome back, by the way." Luke says as he leaves his room, slamming the wooden door. I am DEFINITELY not over him.

A few hours later, Calum takes me around Los Angeles to look at a bunch of different apartments. We've been to four already, and all of them sucked. I mean to Calum they were perfect, but they didn't have the 'this is your future' vibe. Luke has that vibe. Even when he's hurting inside and yelling at me.

"This is a townhouse!" Calum says excitedly. "You get to paint the walls!" I laugh. We walk in, and Calum expression changes completely. "Ew. Me no likey. What do you think?"

I stare at the walls, the floor, the windows, in awe. I can't stop imagining Luke sitting on a couch in here for some reason. "This is home."

"Really? You didn't like the modern ones, but this one is good?"

"It's perfect." I smile. The floor is wooden, dark brown. The walls are white and the room appears a lot bigger from how much light comes in from the many windows.

After I sign the lease and everything, we barge into their house, squealing, "We found one!"

"Found one what?" Michael asks, irritated by how vague we are.

"She got an apartment!" Calum clarifies.

"Oh! Yay! We're town buddies!" Mike laughs. "Now go to sleep already. It's like ten. Wild children." He adds, trotting to his bedroom with a bowl of pasta.

"Couch?" Calum asks. Knowing it's either the couch or his room, I nod. We're just friends, obviously, but it would definitely be weird. He goes to the closet and gets me a blanket, says goodnight to me and then leaves. I sit on the couch in the dark against the armrest and sigh. Last time I slept on a couch of theirs, I was falling in love and usually ended up sleeping in Luke's bed. I remember our long talks at midnight, and how he would get sleepy, so he'd start whispering, and playing with my fingers or his sleeve. His eyes would droop, but he'd stay talking to me as long as he could manage, before I insisted he slept. I smile. Crammed in that tiny bunk bed with him and listening to his life while he played with a piece of my hair is still my ideal day.

I search on my phone, 'what does je taime mean' remembering how that was the only French I knew a little while ago, and how that woman laughed at me.

It means I love you. I smile some more, while also hurting like hell. I wish these past two months could be erased, so I would still be happy and Luke wouldn't be upset.

"Long live Ruke." I whisper, and start laughing at how hilariously cheesy I am.

In all seriousness now, I want him back. He said we broke up because of the distance, right? I basically just moved here. I don't know how to get him back though, he was my first serious boyfriend. Like I've said I've dated two other people but I hardly count them as boyfriends or girlfriends. One girl just walked up to me and told me she liked me, and I was so flustered I started belting out lyrics to a 5SOS song. Then there was that partial boyfriend Stazzi slept with, so obviously that ended quickly.

I lye down on the couch, and frown at how stiff it is. I'll never understand how people can buy hard couches. I shut my eyes in fear, and then stand up. Nervously, I walk to Luke's room and slowly open the door. I see he still sleeps with a Star Wars nightlight. Nerd.

"Um. L-Luke?" I stutter.

He hums, and sits up a little bit, wiping his eyes.

"Uh- Sorry to bother you, I know you're mad at me and everything and probably don't even want to look at me because of how I wrote that chapter, b-but the couch is practically rock hard and I was just wondering if maybe you'd consider-"

"Come here." He says tiredly, waving me over. I shut his door and awkwardly step over to his bed, where I stand there, unsure if he meant I could lye down with him or not. He smiles at me, "This is when you would lye down to sleep."

"Right, sorry." I stumble over my two words somehow, and lye down next to him, more stiff than ever.

"Why are you so nervous?" He murmurs, his voice raspy.

My stomach does cartwheels as he asks. "I still love you." I whisper. "This feels a lot like when I first fell in love with you."

"You still.. You still love me?" He asks.

"Of course. I would never, ever regret you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." I admit.

"I'm so sorry I broke up with you." He whispers.

"I'm so sorry I started hating you for it." I whisper back. "Also thanks for letting me take your bed from you whenever I spend the night." I chuckle.

"No problem." He partially laughs.

"Erm.. Do you think we'll ever get back together?"

"I'm sure of it." I hear him say. I smile.

"Okay, good. My life really sucks ass without you."

"Mine too." He chuckles.

Notes