Fangirl

Luke's POV

"I fucking hate everything." I grumble, glaring at the wall. We've- oh, and by we, I mean Michael, Ash and I. Calum apparently doesn't care enough to come back. - been songwriting for six hours straight, with no break, and I'm dying to check my phone. Not that I think after me hanging up Riley would try to call me or text me, it's just from muscle memory I make sure she didn't.

"Shut up, you've been dwelling for two weeks." Michael says, writing something down.

"One of those weeks Calum hasn't even been here. And oh, where has he been? With Riley." I huff. An entire week, he's been hanging out with her. What are they doing? And why? She knows how he is, why would she want to get involved in that?

"Luke, I know you're hurting, but you broke up with her. If you love her so badly why'd you even do it?" Ashton asks me from across the room, where he fiddles and plays random strings on a guitar. It's been two weeks since our break up and I haven't even told the two why it happened. I just feel so embarrassed. A long time ago, Michael kept subtly trying to make sure Riley and I didn't date, which hardly interfered, and now, we're broken up because of something he said, that wasn't even in an evil plan. I fell for something I shouldn't even have fell for, and now I hate myself.

"It just wasn't our time." I tell them. Do not cry right here. "She can't- doesn't want to go on tour with us, and for the next few years we're probably going to be busy all the time. I barely knew her."

"Oh my god." Michael whispers as he stares at his phone, immediately typing at the speed of light.

"What?" I ask. My mind quickly goes to Riley.

"Mike no phones." Ashton groans.

"Er. Ashton, could I talk to you in the kitchen?" Michael asks.

"Sure?" Ashton frowns. They walk into the kitchen, aka ten feet away. They're talking about me. Or Riley. Or something I'm not supposed to hear. Fuck, what if Calum tried something? "I don't wanna! You do it!" I hear Ash whisper yell. Not very well. "Erm." He says, stepping over to me. "Riley's coming to stay for a night."

"What?" I emphasize.

"Calum's going to help her look for an apartment in L.A., so reasonably she's going to stay here." Michael says, sitting next to me. "Are you okay with that? Like. I dunno- Can you handle it?"

I nod, very obviously lying my ass off. "Yeah, definitely. I'm fine." I shake my head. "Let's write the song, yeah?"

Hours later, all the lights in the house are off. Ashton and Michael are in their own rooms, passed out by now, and it's just me and the silence. The boring, intense silence. I open Spotify and play one of my songs, just to try and cure it. I regret breaking up with her. It needed to happen, everyone knew it was going to happen, but I didn't want it to. She is.. Absolutely perfect for me. She's smart, and cute, and playful and weird and awkward and literally everything I love in people. Riley keeps me stable. I don't know how, but I knew since the first time I read her damn fanfiction that I needed her in my life.

Wait, her fanfiction. I lean off my bed and take the silver laptop from the floor, and turn it on. I squint my eyes at the screen lighting up, and go to my homepage. So it happens to be her fanfiction, shut up. If I can't actually be with her, I can still be with her writing, right? I might be self sabotaging by feeding the sadness and guilt, but I don't really care at this point.

I click on the most recent update on the story Fangirl I suggested, and skim through it, have expecting for there to be something about me. Even though technically in real life we were a secret, there should be something between the two fanfiction versions of us. There. The last three paragraphs, I read fully, taking in every word.

But I guess that's the point of love. To learn. Maybe you hate yourself after it punches you in the fucking face, but you still learn something. In my case, I learned to never fall in love with a celebrity. Goodbye fangirl world. It's too dangerous. I spent years of my valuable life, fawning over and crying over simple people. Simple people who happened to succeed and do something with their lives, while I sit at my computer, doing nothing.

I got lucky. I let reality hug me before slapping me, so my heart isn't completely broken. Just my spirit. And my will to live. I found out the truth about 5 Seconds of Summer. I found every secret, every desire, and every fantasy of the one and only, Luke Hemmings. I know about Calum Hood's pain, his fear of being attached romantically. I know that he's like this because of a simple rejection when he was younger. I know that Michael Clifford doesn't wear cologne anymore, because he'd do anything to please his girlfriend. I know that Ashton Irwin's goal is to help. He feels the need to make sure everyone is okay and on track, from having to grow up faster as a kid. Mostly, I know Luke Hemmings. I know everything about that man. I've memorised his laugh, his moan, his groan, his high pitched scream when he sees a spider. I can remember little details of things that happened months ago. Our first official date, when he couldn't stop smiling at me. Or when I first tasted vegemite, and his eyes sparkled at how I reacted, whether he liked it or not, I know now he definitely liked me, at least. I got the one in a million chance everyone talks about. I became best friends with my heroes. I got to know what it's like to taste Luke's lips. People can only dream of that sort of thing.

So I did learn. I do hate myself. Everything seems to be going to plan. Next, I'll probably start rejecting. Everything. No point in society or people or life anymore, right? At this point, not even a rebound sounds necessary. A fucking brain transplant does. Wouldn't one of those change this? Make me forget everything? Every word I ever yelled to my friend in the hallway, every time I let someone take the fall for me. Every time I let someone fall for me in general. I want a take back. And I don't get one. So listen to me kids, you're going to get hurt. Whether you meet them or not, you're going to fall apart when your expectations get unrealistic. Don't even... Don't fall for them. Don't fall for anyone. Because as much as I wanted this magical, unrealistic story to end in white and wedding bells, this is how it ends. A girl crying and a boy waiting for something he shouldn't be waiting for anymore. My name is Riley Smart, and for some reason I can't think of, my idol fell in love with me.

NOTES
BOOM. Okay, so, I'm sorry the ending took so damn long some really shitty shit shit happened and now I feel all shitty and I'm in a shitty situation and yeah. Just all around shit. Sorry it had to end like this too, lol I know I'm going to get hella yelled at. This isn't how I thought it'd end tbh but this just seemed like the way it'd end for them irl. I mean Riley's whole thing is she's a dreamer who's scared of dreaming, of course Luke wouldn't get down on one knee lmao.

I shut my eyes slowly. She regrets it. She regrets me. She hates me.

"Did you read it?" I hear Mikey whisper from the doorway.

"I thought you were sleeping." I say back, turning the screen to him so he can navigate his way over to me.

"Did you read Fangirl?" Michael asks.

"I read the ending." I whisper.

"No, Luke, you need to read all of it."

"Why?" I ask. "Won't this just upset me even more?"

"Yes, it will. But it's all from her point of view. The ending is ten times more upsetting if you read it all."

"I lived it." I frown.

"Not the way she did." Michael shrugs. "At least read the break up scene in her point of view."

"She regrets me." I whisper to him. Nervously, he bites his top lip, says goodnight, and leaves.

Notes