Fangirl

It's been so long since I felt like this. I haven't felt this way since Max and Luke came into my life, b-but now that they're gone... I don't know, I've become the duplicate of a girl sitting at a computer again. Nothing but a drone, silently staring at a face on a screen, but not back to meeting him, instead wanting to see him again. God, I want to see him again. I know, we just looked like friends most of the time. We were awkward and average and stupid, but we loved being around each other for that reason. I've never met anyone as comfortable in their awkwardness as me, and he probably hasn't seen average in years. I miss everything about him. Oh shit, don't even get me started on that laugh. It's cute because I haven't mentioned his name and you already know who I'm talking about. I lean back in my chair and shut my eyes, listening to the video of Luke talking.

I feel like I'm drowning again. Every time I hear his voice through speakers and not in real life, my heart races more, and I feel like I need to cry even more. I haven't cried once since I got back. I've made the crying face and everything, but no tears actually come out. I feel like everything would be easier if I could just cry it out. Maybe I could find a way to forget everything he taught me, and everything he told me, and everything I loved about him. And I mean real him, not camera him. Then I could go back to fantasizing about them (but mostly Luke) and convince myself I might marry Luke someday. Hah. Probably not anyway. He won't even text me or call me. Seriously, I get that I kissed him and it wasn't what either of us expected, but there is no sign anywhere that he's still alive. For all I know he could be with groupies right now. No, Luke doesn't do the groupie thing. I mean. Not when I was there... No! Agh! Stop it! Just because you don't have Luke right now, doesn't mean he's any different.

But what if he is different? What if he realized he has a voice and he's deciding to use it for silence? What if he's decided he doesn't care anymore, and he's going to fuck every groupie that smiles at him. Jeez. What if right now, while I'm listening to his voice in my dark room, with my everything hurting, he's sitting on a barstool in a dim-lighted bar with live music, gulping down a beer, with his eyes on a girl with barely clothing, who's been eyeing him all night? What if the alcohol gives him his confidence and he sits next to her? What happens if she's sitting on his lap right now, whispering things he's always wanted to hear, and I'm on the opposite side of the world, becoming the first pawn in his game? Oh god. No no, that can't be Luke now. Luke's not breaking like I am, right? He's still his happy, charming Luke self, right? Oh fuck, Luke can't give up on himself! What happens if he has no one to talk to anymore and remembers his previous thoughts of him being a failure, because I'm not there to remind him of everything he's done?!

My heart starts pounding, and even though a part of me knows it couldn't be true, the other part is convincing me more that it is. So, for the third time today, I take the blade I'm so tired of hiding under my bed in a locked box, off the nightstand next to my desk, and cut the top of my wrist open. I don't do the inside. I don't want to hit a vein this time, because I actually have someone to live for. So I've been cutting the tops of my forearm for a week, at least once or twice a day. I'm not sure exactly why I do it. Probably as a punishment, because I know I'm not supposed to think of someone I'll never see again.

Jesus I just want to die. I sound dramatic, but it's been six and a half months, he hasn't given any sign he ever wants to see me again, he's probably "befriending" some other lucky girl, and I'm probably never going to see the boy I've waited years to see again. So what's the point, right? I was so sure. I was so sure right when I met him, he'd somehow like me, and I'd love him so much if he left I'd have no identity. And now what am I doing? Feeling numb, staring at a grey ceiling, that's illuminated by a fucking computer screen, wishing death upon my hollow self.

"Riley quit being so emo, someone's at the door for you." Jason says, and leaves my door open. After him interrupting my moment, and then calling me emo for it, I've had just about enough of him. How did a girl like Lindsay fall for a guy like him?

"You forgot," I stand up and stomp out of my room, "To close the fucking door! And I was not being emo-" I turn to glance at the door, and immediately freeze. My stomach feels like it's taken up gymnastics, and my ability to breathe is gone, with my eyes start feeling a little wet. "Luke." I say simply. It's dark outside, the only light being the small porch light, so he basically looks angelic. But really, Luke is standing on the porch, a hallway away from me, chewing on his lip ring, fidgeting with his purity ring. His head is lowered and when he looks up at me, it's as if he's a kid, ashamed of breaking a vase. "W-W-What are you doing here?" I ask quietly, and then wonder if that was loud enough. The hallway isn't that long but I've been told I have a naturally quiet voice? That's... Luke. Just two seconds ago I was mentally sobbing over him, and now he's standing in front of me. No calls, texts, no nothing. And now here he is. I feel my face get hot, and feel two tears roll down my cheek, which I quickly swipe away.

I play with my sweater paws nervously when I hear, "I- need.. you." Luke manages to stutter out. Here it is. That crying. Because that is the only thing I live for hearing. Two seconds after he said those words to me and I'm running to him in what seems like a slow motion, sad song-ed moment in a movie with tears filling my eyes. I run out onto the porch, and nearly knock him over, but the porch railing holds him up as he wraps his arms around me like he never wants to let go. Oh my fuck this is what I've been waiting for. I pull back quickly, back what seems like perfect timing for both of us, and kiss him over and over, until he rolls his watery eyes, smiles, sniffs, backs me into the wall of the house, and kisses me for real. FuuUUUCK. Okay so, my first kiss was with Luke, at the airport, so however far he takes this will be as far as I've gone with someone, so you gotta understand how weird but fucking fantastic this is for me. And honestly at this point Luke Hemmings can take this however far he wants. He bites my lip, and slides his tongue into my mouth like if he doesn't do it now he won't be able to ever or something. He randomly pulls away, keeping his hands planted on my hips. "I love you." He says softly. My breath gets caught in my throat. A guy like Luke, a famous, dorky, happy person with the perfect life concept, loves me.

"I love you more." I smile teasingly, like this is something we've said to each other for years.

"That's debatable." He smiles.

"Mm, not really." I keep on smiling, because I'm with Luke. "So. Label?"

"I want you to be my girlfriend?" He asks/states. "But I mean. I know you don't want to be.. Famous." His happy face becomes sad when he remembers that, so I just hug him again.

"We'll figure something out, Luke, I love you."

"I love you too." He beams, and holds me tighter. "By the way, I used that whole voice thing so I don't have to have fake relationships anymore." I don't say anything, I just bite my lip and smile. Luke Hemmings- The Luke Hemmings loves me. Just a fangirl.

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