Fangirl

I sit at my desk, while Stazzi sits on my bed. I pause the YouTube video and swirl around to face her.

“It's so,” I take a deep breath to recover from the feels, “not fair. She didn't have a poster or ANYTHING and she got to go onstage and hug them. Uh, god.” I groan, and turn back around.

“You shouldn't obsess over that stuff. No wonder you have people problems.” That's what Stazzi calls my social anxiety. 'People problems'. I just roll my eyes and go to the search bar.

Unpredictable 5sos

I turn it on, and lean back in my chair, smiling.

“Oh my god, not this shit AGAIN.” Stazzi sighs, “Turn on something actually good. Like Black Veil Brides.” She says, painting her nails black. I turn around and glare at her.

“These guys saved my life.” I say flatly.

“Don't be so dramatic.” She rolls her eyes. My fist clenches. I bite the corners of my bottom lip. I don't know if it's the thrill I get when I know 5 Seconds of Summer is out there, when their music is playing, or if it's that she's been like this since I've known her. When she found out I cut myself, she applauded me for being emo...

“Get out.” I say strongly. She looks up at me, and raises an eyebrow, not buying it. “I said get out.” I repeat. She scoffs, and smashes the brush back in the nail polish bottle.

“Fine.” She says sharply, and walks out of my room. I turn my wheel-y chair back to the lyrics playing on the screen. Luke's face is on the side. I smile.

“I'm going to make you crazy for me someday.” I take a deep breath in, smiling. I know it isn't true. It never will be, he'll never even lay a second, solid glance at me, but it's nice to think about.
~*~
(She Is We – Pardon Me)

Today is the day. The day I find out if I won or not. I can hardly breathe when the teacher starts talking.

“So.. The person in this country who won, is.”She pauses, which makes me go mad. Just say it already! “Sam O'Mar.” She says, looking at me sadly. My heart drops, and my smile fades. I raise my hand slowly, “Yes?”

“Can I go to the bathroom.” I whisper. She nods. I don't even bother grabbing my bag, I just walk out of the school. Fuck this. I don't need it.

Yes I do.

I slam the door shut when I walk into my house.

“Hey honey, why are you home so early?” My mom asks from the living room.

“Early release.” I mumble.

“Really? I didn't get an email.” She says, knowing what I'm trying to pull.

“Well some kid pulled the fire alarm and the principal was pissed so she sent everyone home.” I shrug, desperately wanting to escape to my room. To the internet.

“Riley...” My mother takes a deep breath, and then looks at me, “I'm... I'm worried about you.”

“Why?” I ask. I know why.

“Because, you're always in your bedroom, you never get out. And- Skipping school? That isn't you.” She says firmly. I wanted to scream at her that she doesn't know me. She used to. She just stopped trying to know me. She doesn't even know about 5 Seconds of Summer. She doesn't know about the fan fiction, or the crying at night. None of it. She stopped knowing me a few years ago.

“I skipped school today because I feel sick.” I say.

“You said it was because of the fire?”

“I lied.” I sigh.

“Okay. You're grounded.”

“WHAT?!” I nearly scream.

“You're grounded.” She repeats.

“No, mom, you can't GROUND me!”

“And YOU can't skip school, but you did that, go to your room.”

I look at her in shock and disgust, “FINE.” I snap. When I get to my room I slam the door shut. She can't GROUND me.

Miley: Hey, u ok?

Me: No.

Miley: Wanna talk bout it?

Me: No.

Miley: Are u sad?

Me: No.

Miley: Are you happy/

Me: No.

Miley: Are u just sayin no.

Me: No.

Miley: Ok. Call me when you like the other words.

I bet in one of my fan fictions, I would cry, and Luke would call me. He'd come over, and cuddle me until I fell asleep in his warmth. I'll never have that,it's so clear, I don't know I can't understand that.

It's interesting, really. We spend so much time reading about these guys... We start to think that they're actually there. That if you cry, they'll come and comfort you. Then reality hits you again and realize: No one is there but you. You cry yourself to sleep at night, and then look out the window, to see if Calum is waiting there for you to open the window. He never is. He never will be. When you get an F on finals, you expect Michael to be next to you. He'll see your grade, and knowing how hard you tried to study, he'll hold your hand. He won't. He never. Fucking. Will. You get in a fight with a friend. You expect Ashton to come and sit on your bed with you while he twirls strands of your hair around his finger, and keeps humming to agree with you. He won't. We read so much of this stuff, it's like we're actually living it, like they're actually there. I don't know about you, but the only reason I read fan fiction, and write it, is to escape. To go to this place where I DO have friends, and they aren't bitchy crazy girls. Or obsessed with being emo. To go to a world, where you KNOW at the end you'll be in love. I want that. These characters have EVERYTHING mapped out for them, while we have to figure it out ourselves. It's fucked up.

“Sis.” My brother says. It's probably been like three hours, which means he just got here.

“What.” I reply flatly.

“You aren't allowed to be on your computer.” Jason says. All I heard was: You don't get to be saved by 5 Seconds of Summer.

“I don't care.” I snap, and keep typing.

“I'm worried about you.”

“Worry about yourself.”

“Huh?”

“You're twenty years old, and still living with your mother and little sister.” I roll my eyes.

“DAMN, Riley! What are you typing, anyway?” He asks, walking over to me. I shut my laptop. He opens it and takes it off my desk, in his arms. He raises an eyebrow, “Why are you talking about suicide!?”

“I'm NOT.” I say sharply, and slam the computer closed, taking it from him, “Go away.”

“You aren't going to try and KILL YOURSELF, right?”

“Of COURSE not, Jason. Out.”

“Fine.” He mumbles. It's a fan fiction. The one I write when I get upset.

I check the comments on my other story.

Mukeisreal96: UPDAAATTE.

I smile.

In Reply To @Mukeisreal96:
I know, I know, I'm so fucking stressed right now though. I'll do it ASAP.

Almost immediately after, I get a response.

Mukeisreal96: Wanna talk about it?

In Reply To @Mukeisreal96:

Nah, I don't need to bother you with my problems lol.

Mukeisreal96: It wouldn't be a bother.

I shake my head and close my computer. Maybe later. I don't feel like getting the same cheesy advice, like 'think happy thoughts' and 'it will get better'.

Cole: U & Staz are fighting?

Me: No.

Cole: She says you are.

Me: Well she's dramatic.

Cole: Hm. Sure YOU aren't dramtic?

I cringe at the fact that even with me spelling the word, he couldn't spell dramatic correctly.

Me: I gtg.

I turn off my phone. I'm sick of the damn human race.

Another night of crying, another night of looking out my window just in case. Another night of insomnia. Another night of wondering if Luke will come over and cuddle me. Nope.

Notes