*Journal Page*
I was extremely nervous today, but I knew what I had to do. We were all at the studio today, and I knew that Lizzie would be there. I just had to find the courage.
I found the perfect time. The other lads were working on something with Julian. I asked Lizzie to come with me to one of the meeting rooms at the studio.
I said I had something to tell her. When she told me I could tell her anything, I thought my heart would explode. I hope Liam knows how lucky he is.
I had Lizzie sit down in front of a laptop. She clicked the play button, and I watched the realization come across her face.
I had queued up the scene from Love Actually. Mark is at Juliet’s door with the cue cards. The one that says ‘To me, you are perfect.’ The scene in fact could not be more perfect. Mark is in love with Juliet. I am in love with Lizzie. Juliet is married to Mark’s best friend. Lizzie is engaged to Liam, who’s like a brother to me.
I leaned back against the locked door to the meeting room, watching Lizzie. Juliet runs after Mark, kissing him, before running back in her house.
I reached for the paper that I’d wrote earlier, it says ‘To me, you are perfect!’, I hold it in front of me.
Lizzie turned my way. When she saw the sign, she started towards me. The sweetest look on her face.
She started to speak, but I put up my hand to pause her. If I hadn’t got out what I needed to say then, I would have lost my nerve.
I tried my best to explain to her that I didn’t want to upset her or Liam. It was important for her to know so that I could begin to move on. I told her I loved her, the words coming from the deepest parts of my heart. The parts no other woman has ever reached.
I also let her know that I have no intention of coming between her and Liam. Then I told her that I was going away to LA for a bit, but that I’d be back for her surgery.
I tried to impress to her how important today was to us remaining friends.
When she looked in my eyes, and genuinely told me that in another place...another time...there could have been something between us...well...she both caused my heart to swell and break all at once.
Then I knew what I had to do, something I’d been dreaming of for so long. I slide my hand into her beautiful hair, then I leaned down and kissed her. I pulled back a bit, explaining to her that my hope was if I actually kissed her, then maybe I’d stop dreaming about it so much. Her lips tasted even sweeter than I’d imagined. So soft, fitting so perfectly with my own. Oh, how I wanted to taste her tongue, yet I knew I couldn’t go that far.
I kissed her once more, then I looked in her eyes for what felt like the last time ever. I said “Enough”, then I left the studio.
I sat in my car for a moment, trying to collect myself. When I looked back at the studio, I saw Lizzie standing at the door, watching me. I lost it. I drove down the street, pulled over and parked.
I can only admit this here...I cried. I cried, because I am hopelessly in love with a woman I can never have.

Notes