How to Save the Girl

September 2012

The only thing I remember about my sister's funeral is the cold.

It was the end of summer, and with a storm brewing the ocean air was less than pleasant. My mother tried to cut off my circulation her grip was so tight on my arm, but I wanted to be anywhere but there. I couldn't stand another second of the preacher droning on about a life cut to short or my father trying to stifle his tears because 'men don't cry.'

Elaine and I hadn't even talked in months, it was like once she went off to college she became too cool for her little sister. The only one of her friends I'd even met was Harry because he had decided to follow her to whatever rich girl’s school she wanted even though we couldn’t afford it. The callousness was probably just a coping mechanism but part of me just couldn’t imagine my life without Elena.

She’d been my sort of role model growing up, despite the fact that publically I’d adamantly refused to be her personal Barbie doll. Something about the fact that she didn’t take bull shit from anyone and knew who she was and what she wanted was appealing especially since I constantly felt like I was drowning.

“Behave,” my mother hissed through her tears as I tried unsuccessfully once again to wrench my arm away.

If I hadn’t been in the room when we’d gotten the call, I’d almost assume that my mother didn’t care. She’d always been a proud woman not easily showing her soft side but Elena’s death had almost made her colder. I’d frequently heard people call my mom the Ice Bitch over my childhood but hadn’t really believed it until now as she silently surveyed the proceedings more concerned about propriety than the fact that her oldest child was dead.

Instead of dealing with my mother I scanned the mournful group of people dressed in the one color that we had associated with death. Harry stood across from us his hands twisting his ring in absentminded circles trying his best not to fall apart. My father had lost the battle collapsed into a puddle despite my mother’s disapproving stares.

It was almost like I wasn’t myself, not in control of my body just watching my life fall apart as the ceremony drew to a close. The box containing the worldly remains of my sister were slowly lowered down into a pit of eternity as I watched myself mechanically go and place a rose on the mahogany box and a handful of dirt in the hole. Like it was supposed to bring us closure to help in burying someone we loved. But all I could feel is numb.

I didn’t snap till the party.

Everyone flitted around like this was just another social scene making small talk over champagne. Favorite memories of Elena circled around endless once again proving that unlike me she was the one thing, the one ray of sunshine, that brought a drop of joy to those around her. ‘I’m sorry,’ it was what everyone was murmuring while trying their hardest not to meet my gaze, like them being sorry would somehow make everything better.

‘Are you okay?’ it was the question that everyone asked like I was going to fall apart. I wasn’t a porcelain doll that had been dropped one too many times even though sometimes it felt like it. The overwhelming sense of guilt was more like it but there wasn’t anything in this world that would relieve that. It was only a matter of time before I couldn’t give someone a strained smile and state the lie ‘I’m fine.”

“No I’m not fucking okay, my sister just died and everyone is pretending like it’s a good time to throw a fucking party. Guess what pretending everything is just preachy isn’t going to make it so, Elena’s dead, you can’t bring her back.”

It was Mrs. Proctor that I’d blown up at but I couldn’t bring myself to be sorry. Looking up I saw that way too many people had their gaze trained on us. All empty glares staring blankly like it wasn’t proper for anyone to show any emotion.

“Caroline!” My mother went to admonish me but I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Don’t Caroline me. Do you even care? Elena is gone she’s never going back and what do you do you throw a party. I knew you were cold but I never thought you were cruel.”

The next half hour was a blur of mud, and ripped stockings and when I managed to come to my senses I was standing along the rocky cliffs in the rain. My teeth chattered uncontrollably as I had appeared to have lost my coat but I couldn’t bring myself to care. The small family cemetery sat behind me nestled into the coastline hills, at least they’d buried her somewhere beautiful.

A coat over my shoulder was the only indication that someone had joined me as I was slowly guided back from the edge. Pulled away from the part of my brain that stated that there was an easy way to end the pain. With a deep shaky breath, I relented to the strong arms that provided support as my body was racked with sobs.

“We’ll be okay you’ll see.”

Notes

Hey everyone,

So this was a story I've been working on but was never going to actually post. But I've gotten some encouragement so I think I'm willing to actually share this. Updates might be a little slow but as long as I feel up to it you'll be getting this

Don't be afraid to let me know what you think

-Abby