All Hidden Away

I felt like there was an elephant siting on my chest. My ribs hurt very time I try take a lung full of air, and my throat feels raw like I’ve been crying. Everything is black and empty. I try calling out for someone but there is no one in this nothingness that surrounds me. I stay like this for a while, enjoying the feeling of continuous falling. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to flying, other than a plane or helicopter... Those don’t really count. Suddenly, out of nowhere my empty space is occupied by a strange noise, almost like a ringing. Its persistent and doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop. It’s hurting my head and making it hard to be in peace. But like everything else in my nothing space, it soon quietens down and changes to a different noise, its more mechanical but just as annoying and just as persistent. Wait… I think I’ve heard this kind of beeping before, but I can’t remember where. It’s uncomfortable for sure though, I can tell by the way it makes me feel. Suddenly there is another noise. It sounds like a voice, somewhat familiar… it calls out one word but I can’t quite make out what its saying. It happens again and this time I catch it. “Tasha?” Whatever it is, it sounds almost… worried or upset. What was Tasha? Wait… it’s a name. Who is Tasha? It calls out again and now im getting annoyed that it’s taking up space in my nothingness. Maybe I was Tasha. Yes… I think, I think that’s right. Im Tasha, Tasha… I can’t remember the other name, but I know many people know it. It’s famous… its st- st- something. My nothingness was suddenly full of red… red pain, but where was it coming from? It felt like fire, burning everything. It all suddenly hits me. Im Tasha, the person, most probably Harry, my brother is calling. But why is he calling for me if he knew I was there? The fire continues and I can finally pinpoint it to my middle. Every time I breathe, that’s when it’s the hottest. Suddenly I realise I can open my eyes. They are heavy but maybe if I just try hard enough - Yes! Light soon fills my nothingness, but its bright white and I can’t see much in it. “Tasha?” Harry comes running over, suddenly Im lying down in what feels like a hospital bed. It really hurts to breathe and I whimper in pain. I can hear Louis’ voice calling for a nurse. Harry is holding my hand and trying to say something but I can’t hear what, the ringing is back and its annoying. I feel a prick in my shoulder and slowly turn my head to see a woman next to mum, dressed in a funny white dress holding a syringe with a big needle. They are all talking and looking at me but I can’t hear them. I can no longer see them either, as I slowly return to my comfortable nothingness. I know that im in hospital from the minute my mind clears slightly, I can’t really remember much but I still feel like my chest is about to collapse in on itself. I feel more awake than last time, less drugged. I can feel something pinching my hand and someone holding my other hand, I roll my thumb over the back of theirs. “Tasha? You awake luv?” it was Louis, I can feel him stand up but it’s weird, I can’t locate my eyes to try open them. I mean I know where they are meant to be, but it’s just like they aren’t there. “Harry, Harry! Wake up; I think she’s starting to come too.” He shouts at Harry is a whispered tone. Someone comes over, cupping my cheek with their palm of their hand. I don’t know how but I know it’s my brother’s hand. “Tasha, hey. Can you open your eyes?” he asks in his soft voice. I take a deep breath trying to concentrate hard enough to open my eyes. My chest burns but I try again. Light flutters in but it doesn’t last long. “Tasha?” both Harry and Lou ask at the same time. I try again and this time my eyes focus on my two big brothers faces. They are blurred, but I know it’s them. “Hey,” says harry with his dimpled smile. I smile back, but my face feels weird. I reach a hand up and touch a pipe connected to my nose. “Don’t pull at that luv, you need it right now” says Louis with a smile. I smile back, and realise my throat is very dry and my mouth is all cottony. “Water-”I try say but my voice comes out raspy and barley above a whisper. Louis grabs the glass on my bedside table and gently puts the straw in my mouth to suck on. I have a couple of gulps and feel better. Harry has gone to call my doctor who walks in wearing a white lab coat thingy and a smile. “Good, good. You’re awake. How do you feel?” he asks. He reminds me of Niall, blond hair and blue eyes. He’s also obviously very Irish. “Uhm…” I think of how to fraise this nicely. “A bit like I’ve been hit by a bus… what happened?” Harry shoots Louis a concerned look. Louis has his mouth in an upside down smile… I hate seeing his frown, it means somethings wrong. “That’s not really important right now, let’s just get you better, yeah?” says harry with worried eyes looking at the doctor. “Let me check your charts quickly… how much pain are you in when you take a deep breath?” “enough, it feels like I’ve got someone sitting on my chest.” I explain. I try and remember what happened but all I can think about is where mum is. “is mum here, Harry?” I ask. He pulls out his phone, “She left the hotel about five minutes ago, will be here really soon, promise.” I nod my head as the doctor comes and checks my drips and heart rate monitor. “Well everything looks like it’s in order; I’ll get a nurse to come give you something for the pain.” He leaves with a smile and nod in Harry and Louis’ direction. “Harry?” “Yeah Bug?” he asks referring to his childhood nickname for me. “What happened? Everything is just a blur.” He looked down at his shoes and is reluctant to meet my eyes. “did you hit me with your car?” I ask trying to get him to smile. He laughs slightly and shakes his head. “No, but I’d like to wait for mum and the lads to be here to help explain if that’s okay?” he takes my free hand in his again. I nod my head in agreement and close my eyes. My breathing was getting heavy now, and more sore. It’s as if the nurse knows what im thinking, walking in as I think this. She smiles at me and the boys, obviously knowing who they are. “Glad to see you’re awake. This will help but not stop the pain, but shouldn’t make you too sleepy, okay?” she says this with a smile, she injects the needle into the drip and ensures there isn’t an air bubble. I just nod my head freaking out that im here with the boys. It hadn’t occurred to me before. After she leaves the room I try sitting up. Both Louis and Harry run forward and help, positioning pillows around me. “Are you guys meant to be here? What does everybody think is going on?” I say all at once my stress being indicated on the heart rate monitor which has picked up speed. “We don’t really care right now, luv.” Says Louis with a smile. “we are here with you because you are my sister and we love you and needed to make sure you are okay.” Harry says as I see mum, Niall, Liam and Paul walk into my small little hospital room. Mum runs over and gently hugs me, obviously knowing of my pain. I wave to Liam, Paul and Niall who I can tell are all too scared of hurting me to hug me. We all catch up a bit before I ask the big question. “So, now everyone is here, please tell me what in bloody hells name happened?” I look around and see everyone frowning. Niall walks over and sits by my head. “Well, Tasha…” he starts. No one is making eye contact with me which scares me even more. “When we went to our meeting with Modest!…” he was starting off slowly. But he didn’t need to. The minute he reminded me of the meeting it all came back. My eyes automatically started watering from pure embarrassment… It seemed I fucked up my brothers’ lives again. I cover my face in my hands and start to cry, oblivious to Mum and Harry trying to calm me down and hugging me.

Notes