Love in a Photograph

I park my car outside the studio and clean up a bit inside after last nights even that went extremely well and made quite a few sales. I am in the office going through some paper work and look at my phone, its my mum saying she just got on the next flight to go back to her home Australia now. I look at the date and can't even bare myself to do anymore work I put my pen down and open my heart necklace where the photo of Harry when we were young and the other side of my baby.

I sob quietly, here all alone, no one just me and my dark thoughts circle my mind.


Flashback:

"You left me Hayley, you walked no you ran away" Harry reminds me again, like he can use this as an excuse every time."

"Like you left me when we were younger" I throw that in his face.

"You cannot compare that to right now." He has a point.

I don't want to stir up these emotions because if I cry about them I won't be able to stop.
But I give in.

"I WAS DYING HARRY. HIM, HE OUR BABY DIED AND WHEN HE DIED I DIED!" I cry uncontrollably.

"YOU THINK I WASN'T, HE WAS MY SON TOO. I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING EXCEPT THINKING OF YOU MY WIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. I WAS NOT COPING" He yells back.

This whole situation is messed up. Our baby died hours after birth for no apparent reason, I decided I needed to grieve on my own. No one understands the pain I endured during that dark time in my life, not even Harry. A mother's pain is like no other I was carrying our baby and I was responsible to look after and take care of him. Our baby boy died and I went back home to England and did what I need to, and when I got back here to LA which I happily agreed to move and relocate my life here with Harry. I get home one night and all his stuff is gone, no sign of him, nothing but some divorce papers on our kitchen counter.

I get out of that headspace that happened a few months back, Today is the day my baby died, we only got to hold him for ten minutes, that's all. But I treasure those ten minutes forever. After that Harry and I disconnected on so many levels. We hardly spoke to each other and were never intimate after it. But I went away and healed for myself and I know I left him behind but I was ready to come back, I was ready and strong enough to help him grieve too, but he gave up on me, on us.

In that dark difficult time our heads were not in the right frame of mind. We said things we probably shouldn't of.


Flashback:
I sit in my baby boy's nursery Harry and the boys spend months on decorating. I sit there in my chair we I should be holding him and keeping him safe, but instead I sit here with a stuffed toy. I see Harry appear in the doorway and takes a little chair and sits opposite me.

"Hayley, sweetheart, can you please look at me" he rubs my leg. "What can I do to help you, name it and I'll do anything." His eyes glassy and mood dampened. I want to tell him how I'm feeling but I can't I mean how can you explain something, when you don't even know yourself.

I breathe heavily and look around the room. "Why us Harry,? Why me, Why can't I hold my little baby boy" I burst out of tears and he quickly enough to carry me out of this dark room and into our bedroom and lays me down crawling up next to me.

We lay there for about an hour in silence. "Hayley" He breaks the silence, I continue to look up at the ceiling. "Did you maybe umm wanna try again?"


In that time, that place I could of punched him until he was dead, but looking back I know he was only attempting to help. I clean up my office and make my way home. I don't understand any of this Harry vowed and promised me that he would always be there for us. I look at my wedding ring I still wear, I guess if I take it off, it will be more real and think back to our wedding day vows.


Flashback:
Hayley. My love for you is something I can't explain. when your sad I'm sad, when your angry I'm angry. What you feel I feel. But I promise today and the rest of our lives I will stand by you and anything life throws at us good or bad. I love you so much and I want to experience all of life's difficulties, challenges and amazing moments only with you."



Thinking back was it all a lie? Him falling in love with me, promises not kept and broken. It is all nothing but a hazy faded memory in the background now. But the one memory I keep and treasure forever the last time with him.

Flashback:

"You think I was just somehow fine, after he died. But I was dying too, and I needed you Hayley. I needed you and you left me here alone. He confesses.

"No, you, you were coping" I say to him standing opposite of the kitchen counter, "and then I went home, our real home and I healed. I changed my whole life for you Harry, back home I need it, it was my escape from all the pain that came part of living here."

"You don't get it Hayley, I wasn't coping!" he raises his voice. He shakes his head "I was covering. My eyes widen, too look at him so venerable,"and i wanted to be there for you but you always push me away."

"Right and now your punishing me for taking matters in my own hands. I recognised the state that my head and mind was in and if it when any further I would of had a mental breakdown so I did something about it, I went back home"

"I always put you first Hayley, thats what you do in a marriage, but not you" he points to me.
"I took care of myself, so I could survive, I know the real reason your upset." I finally put the pieces together.

"Your just upset that I went back home to cope and try to move on, and the things that couldn't help was you. You wanted to be the one to put me back together, but this time you couldent' ".
My heart rate increases.

He takes a step back. "You may think that Hayl's, but you don't get it the thing I needed was YOU!" Now I take a step back and try and process everything. We gaze at each other both of us speechless, which is different we are always yelling at each other lately.

I put my hands on my hips and push my hair back with my left hand. "GOD what is happening to us" I pace up and down the kitchen. "I don't know what to do anymore Hayley. I just think we should get a divorce" I knew it was coming I knew but how.

"No, I won't let you do this. I'm not getting a divorce" I pick up some plates and take them to the sink. Trying to avoid and doge this topic. "Sometimes marriages just don't work out Hayley."

"NO, not us. Do you remember when we did karaoke that night back In London"

"hayley not now" I keep going anyway, "We sang along to that Taylor Swift song 'Mine' and the line that really stood out of both was You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes" I remind him of our younger days when were both so young in love and it was us against the world.

"Hayley don't do that" I move closer to him "Do what, remind you of us, how we were, how we can still be? I'm not giving up Harry." I grab his hands. "Hayley Divorce isn't a dirty word for me right now, it is a light at the end of a very dark gloomy tunnel" He puts my hands down.

My heart feels like it is going to stop. My sadness turns to crying anger. I walk up to him and push him on his chest and he stumbles a bit I have so much energy and strength in me right now. "FINE YOU WANT ONE YOU CAN HAVE YOUR STUPID LIGHT " I push him again and cry.

"OH I'M SORRY HARRY THAT MARRIAGE WAS LIKE PRISON CELL FOR YOU HARRY I REALLY AM" I push him again and cry more.

I collapse on the floor but as always Harry is there to catch me. But this may the last time he sees me fall and saves me. I cry uncontrollably. He picks me up and we are face to face, eye to eye. I nestle my head on his chest and continue to cry. I go to push him again "HALEY YOUR BEING RIDICULOUS STOP" He fights my hands that are pounding his chest. "I KNOW, I KNOW" I lower my head down with my hair getting in the way, I flip it back. "What is happening to us Harry?" I ask again.

"I don't know Hayls'
"How do we make it stop" I look at him.

He is looking at me and I look at him looking and searching for answers in our eyes.

Then before I know it he crashes his lips against mine and we are like when we were younger kissing sweet, gently passionately. I remove my lips from him and look at him,I remove his jacket and kiss him again. I feel his hands climb on my lower back, he finally finds the hem of my top, I raise my arms and he takes it off. Our kissing isn't broken at any stage, he picks me from my bum and I wrap my legs around his waist Harry now taking full control of our making out, he carries me to the kitchen counter and sits me on top as I enjoy every kiss, his hands on mine for what may be the last time.

Notes