THE DEATH OF YOU

Justin's POV

I wake to a clean white and green room. Hospital room. Everything hurts me. Everything. I feel like hell.
"Justin," a soft gasp.
I let my eyes move, being the only thing that hurts the least. Mom. My mom is here.
Mom who is always so strong is crying.
I try and tell her I'm fine, but my throat is dry.
I cough.
The nurse in her kicks in and she gets me a glass of water, a straw sticking out. She guides it to my mouth and holds it in place to make it easier to drink.
"I was so afraid Justin... so worried... you should have told me this was the reason you came to England! I could have helped you out of this mess," she scolds me softly.
"No.. you couldn't... not while they had Kristen," I remind her.
She plaid along as if she didn't know the reason I was here. That I didn't know they had my sister. But deep down she did.
"Where is Kristen?" I sigh.
Mom gets up and paces quietly to the door.
"Is he up? Is he talking? Can I see him please? After he has time with you both of course..." I recognize Cassie's voice instantly.
Mom replies but I'm not able to hear her soft voice.
She is back moments later with my little sister who rushes over to me.
"Softly darling.. your brother is in a lot of pain," mom reminds her. She stops next to me, watching me those huge eyes of her. Beautiful eyes.
I lift myself slowly and painfully, opening my arms for her. She climbs up and rests her small body in between.
"I was scared Justin... I was scared you wouldn't make it," she whispers.
"I would never leave you! Never!" I promise. Tears are running down my cheeks not able to hold them at bay any longer. God. This girl. She will be the death of me she will. I will never let anything bad happen to again.
"Justin don't cry.. you need to be happy.. we are together again," she scolds me with her sweet voice.
"I'm not.. these are happy tears! I promise," I kiss her cheek.
"Cassie is here! Did you know she used to watch with me the races?? She's Harry Styles' girlfriend and she says she knows you," Kristen sits up talking excitedly.
I nod.
"She says you and her are friends! Is that true?"
I nod again.
"She wants to come in and see you! I'll call her then!" She smiles brightly, getting ready to jump off the bed. I catch her arm swiftly stopping her.
"Don't!" I cut in.
Her bright smile dims and her features turn slightly hurt.
"I want to spend time only with you and mommy right now... later we can call Cassie," I explain calmly. That seems to convince her and the smile is back as she snuggles against me.
Truth is. I want nothing to do with Cassie. I want nothing to do with her group of friends.
I wasn't supposed to even be friends with them.. I mean... it was the plan, to get close to them, to earn their trust... I wasn't supposed to actually like them. We became friends in my mind and then she got away and I got shot and that shows real friendship. She never came back. Which means we were never real friends in the first place. The moment she found out who I am and my plan she played her part to make sure she gets out and that was it. Donzo.
"Why don't we let Justin rest some ha?" Mom tries to convince Kristen.
"He can rest.. I'm not stopping him," she says.
"Well yes pumpkin.. but maybe we should find something to eat and let him go back to sleep?"
"No! We cant5go mommy! What if he needs us? He cant5move! What if they come to take him? We won't be here to stop them!" I can tell by the sound of her voice and the color of her face, she is about to cry.
"Hey Kristen... why don't you rest here beside me? I'll make you room.. that way you'll be right here if I'll need something?"
She agrees straight away and I make her room. Mom rolls her eyes, but kisses my forehead before leaving my hospital room.
"Hey Justin?" Kristen whispers after a long while.
"Mmm.."
"Is this all my fault? Because I wasn't good enough?" She whispers.
I press her closer to me, my heart pinching painfully for my baby sister.
"No! Who the hell told you that?"
"The people who took me... they said.. they said 'look what you did? You weren't a good girl and now daddy will get hurt and so will you and that I will never see you again because I was naughty."
"They were the naughty ones! You were perfect! And now they are paying in jail because of what they have done! Don't ever believe them Kristen! You're the best girl in the world!"
She nods, and with that we fall asleep.
When I wake Kristen is no longer in the bed beside me. She isn't anywhere in the room either, or my mom which brings panic.
"You mum took her to get something to eat," a soft voice explains.
That is when I notice her. She is sat in the corner of the room small and quiet. Watching me.
I stare back at her, wanting her out of my room and wanting her to stay.
"I'm so so glad you're alright Justin
.. I ... for a while I was afraid... I-"
"Save it," I snap not wanting to hear what she has to say.
"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have left you! I should have stayed," she claims swiftly trying to get words in. I shake my head. She did the right thing by leaving. She could have gotten shot instead or killed. Instead I attach her.
"But you didn't! And that could have been ok if you had come back like you promised but you never did- did you?! You left me and I got beaten and shot while you got to spend time with family and friends."
"I did the best I could!" She is defensive now. Good.
"Yeah? That is why it took a few days before I got pulled out?! What happened to us being in this together??"
"You shouldn't have dragged me into this in the first place!" She shouts. It's like a slap to the face. She gasps, realizing what she had said.
"Oh gosh Justin I didn't mean it.. I forgave you for that a long time ago!" She hurries to claim.
"Yeah.. you say that... I want you out.. I don't want you here," I turn my head.
"Come on Justin... I'm sorry! I didn't mean it," her voice turns soft.
"You did.. otherwise you wouldn't have said it... now get out."
She is sat in her seat unmoving.
"Get the fuck out!" I shout. She jumps up, turning to the door.
She stops before existing and turns to face me.
Tears are running down her face and I cringe. I did this. I made this beautiful girl cry.
"You're right... I'm sorry..." she turns and leaves, closing the door after her.
I start crying then. I cry for everything. For my dad and the things he has done. For Kristen, for getting pulled into this fucking reality and needing to grow up much to fast, not having a chance to be a kid, for her nightmares. I cry for my mom who aged by years these past few months, who has suffered so much, but never once complained about her miss fortune. I cry for Cassie and Harry and what my family has done to them. The years they have lost. The hurt and pain they've suffered. And I cry for myself, because right now I feel sorry for myself.
I guess I fell asleep, because the next time I open my eyes it's dark and Harry is sitting at the chair Cassie occupied before, him staring at me one of those scary stares, the one that you just know means he is thinking of killing you. I stare him down, promising myself not to flinch back.
"You made her cry," he finally says, leaning back, easing into the big chair, making himself comfortable.
"Yeah.. I did..." I agree, because what else could I do?
"But you didn't mean to make her cry," he states. I shake my head. You cannot lie to Harry Styles. You just can't.
"You almost got her killed," he continues. I nod. He is right. Obviously.
"But you had a change of heart... you made sure to keep her safe.. you got her out.. she told me everything.. she owes you her life..."
I am crying like a little boy. Again. I nod.
"And yet, when she comes in to thank you, to make sure for herself that you are indeed fine you push her away!" His voice turns angry.
"You. Made. Her. Cry."
"I had too," I whisper, "I had to push her away," I explain.
"You're in love with her," he claims. Slightly accusing.
"I'm getting there... you see why? And anyway it's not the point is it? I don't deserve friends like you and Cassie, that care with their whole heart for your well being.. I'm not entitled."
"Maybe not.. but it's too late.. you are part of us already.. you made it official when you put Cassie's life before your own.. and that means something," he explains.
"How can you forgive me?"
"Because... you got punished for your actions already.. so give me a break and forgive yourself too."
There is a long silence as we sit quietly.
"How did you know?" I finally question. I thought I hid my feelings well. I'm a good liar but I guess I should have known better.
"You had that look."
I might seem confused since he goes on explaining.
"I'm used to it.. a lot of blokes get it at some point and it used to make me so fucking jealous..."
"What kind of look?" I inquire. I need to know since I need to learn to conceal it.
"That look... the one that you'll do anything for her... we all have it... that is how I recognize it.."
"Who else has it?"
"Well.. not all of them mean that the person is deeply in love with her but... some are... like you.. like me.. like Ben.. Liam isn't in love with her.. but he would die for her.. and so will Sarah and Sam," he sighs.
I nod because I think I understand what he's on about.
"I'm taking her away," he finally claims.
"Away?"
"Yes. Back to the UK.. you won't see her.. if you want to apologize then you'll need to come find her... get better.. get your life sorted... forgive yourself and then come find us," he gets to his feet.
"Where am I then?"
"Ireland".
He is gone. Leaving me alone in the dark room, only a few little lights and beeps disturbing the silence.
I know now what I've got to do. I need to go home. Move my family to a new place, make sure they have a new state.. a place where they feel safe and loved and I think I know exactly where to go.

Notes

I know!!! YOU must hate me for taking so long to update! Sorry!!! Super busy...
I hope you like this update.. we are almost there people...
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Hope all is well, and that life is good to you xox