whiplash

I'm sitting on a stool in Lily's kitchen telling her about something that Niall said to me last night when she interrupts me, "What the hell are you on about now?"

Her tone surprises me and I look up, astonished by the sting of her words, and slightly confused as to where the animosity even came from.

"I was just explaining that I talked to Niall again last night."

She rolls her eyes as she stirs the pot on the stove. I’m here for dinner because she invited me over but her attitude is making me want to get up and leave. All evening I've watched her sneer and roll her eyes. I've heard her mumble under her breath and now I'm starting to get sick of it. I swallow the harsh retort I have ready for her eye roll and continue on, trying my best to ignore the nerves gathering in my belly.

"I'm just having some issues trying to decide how much I trust him."

The words fly straight out of my head because honestly, the look that she gives me makes me wonder why I am even trying to talk to her about this. More and more it seems that she's just fed up with any mention of Niall.

She turns to face me, her hand planted firmly on her hip, The scowl on her face makes her look like a mom trying to discipline a small child. Honestly, it’s wrecking her youthful features.

I sigh inwardly, bracing for the onslaught about to hit me. Here we go. Time for the weekly 'you deserve better than this' conversation. I'm starting to get really tired of these.

"Harper, why is trusting him even a question? This is the asshole who walked all over you. He pretended not to know who you were for god sakes! In public! In front of his friend!"

I wince at the memory. Each moment of that day is seared into my brain. I try not to think about it if at all possible, but Lily never seems to let it go. And whenever she sees fit to dredge it back up again in her attempts to make Niall sound like a giant asshole I am forced to relive it. Admittedly, it is a very solid argument but I'm just tired of hearing it.

She continues on, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm trying my hardest not to listen. "What does it take for you to finally realize he's never going to want you the way you want him?"

That last sentence cuts right me to the bone. So that's what she thinks. What am I? Not good enough for Niall? Was I ever good enough? Or is it just that I was quality fuck buddy material but not girlfriend material?

She gives me a look, marked by a frown of disappointment before continuing on. "This guy is a loser. Nothing more than that."

Somehow her calling Niall a loser makes a flame of anger flicker in my chest but I hold my tongue, grinding my teeth as she keeps talking.

"He used you, had his fun and then dropped you and now he's trying to come crawling back." Her hands wave around as her speech becomes more and more impassioned. "And you know the crazy part? You're going to fucking let him. Just like that. I bet if he was in town right now you'd let him back in your bed with no hesitation." She sighs in resignation. "When will you ever learn? You can't expect sex to fix everything."

I silently seethe while her voice becomes more and more grating. I'm starting to wonder how long she's been holding all of this in. How long has she been waiting to give me this speech? She walks back to the stove to stir dinner but continues scolding me without missing a beat.

"He's just not good for you, babe. He's never going to be. It's time for you to open up your eyes and see it for what it is, a lost cause. It's over now. Let it go. Start making better decisions. Let new people in. And stop putting so much time and effort into that asshole." She turns to face me again. "You've got to start handling your life. I can't keep doing it for you."

That's the last straw. I stand up, shoving my stool away from the counter with so much force that it falls to the floor with a loud crash. The sound startles Lily and she jumps.

"I need to start handing my life because you can't keep doing it for me?" I ask her, completely flabbergasted. "Is that what you just said to me?"

Lily's eyes narrow. "Yes, you need to start taking some responsibility for your actions. You let him do this and you're just going to keep letting him do this. I can't come around and put you back together after he breaks you again and again. No one has time for that."

I step away from her, my fists clenched at my sides. "You need to stop treating me like you are my mother."

She turns to face me, her spoon still stirring the pot. "Then stop acting like a child."

I laugh bitterly to myself. "You know what Lily? You’re right, I don't have some wonderfully fabulous boyfriend who is going to propose any day now. And yes, I have made some mistakes with Niall. But you know what? You're my best friend. Your job is to pick me up every time I fall, regardless of how many times it happens. Because that's what best friends do! Your job is to love me through my failure, to listen to me talk, to be happy and sad and excited with me!" I reach down and grab my purse, fishing my keys from the bottom of it. "And if you can't do that for me then you know what? You can get down off your soapbox, go fuck your lovely boyfriend and feel all high and mighty about it and then go fuck yourself."

I watch with a satisfied glare as her jaw drops and then I turn on my heel, marching out the front door and slamming it behind me.

The whole way home my eyes are blurred with tears. I'm grateful that today I decided to take the tube to her house because otherwise, I'd be in some major trouble trying to drive like this. It's bad enough that people are starting to stare. I sniff and wipe my cheek for the hundredth time and stare down at my phone. I need to make up my mind about Niall but I don't need anyone else telling me how I should feel.

The short walk home from the station is brisk, the wind blowing all around me, almost like it's trying to protect me. The only thing it’s actually doing is making me shiver. I rush inside my building and shake off the cold air.

Once inside my flat, I drop all my things on the floor at my feet and I collapse onto the couch. I curl into a tight little ball on my side, hugging a pillow to my chest. I don't want to move. I don't want to think. I just want to be left alone.

And because the universe is against me, my phone rings.

I grab it from inside my purse and sigh when I see Jamie's name on the screen I answer it. Right now I could use a friend.

"Hello?" My voice sounds shaky, even to me.

"Harper? You okay?" Jamie sounds slightly relieved to hear me answer. I roll my eyes. That means he's already talked to Lily. Calling Jamie was probably the first thing she did.

Dryly I ask, "I take it you talked to Lily?"

Jamie sighs, "She was only trying to help, Harper. We all think that...."

I cut him off completely. "I can't fucking believe she called you and now you're doing her dirty work! This is fucking amazing! No, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told her. It's not your job to tell me what I need to do. It's your job to love me and be my friend while I sometimes make the wrong decisions. Jesus. Why is this so fucking hard?"

"Harper...she does have a point..." He tries to continue timidly.

"Oh my god! No. You know what? No. I'm doing this with you too. Bye Jamie."

I hang up the phone and toss it over my head onto the couch. Now I'm really crying. Sobbing might be a better term for this because my whole body is shaking.

I feel so alone right now. What happened to friends supporting you? It's not like I'm doing fucking meth and I need them to let me be an addict. It's Niall, just Niall. He's not a goddamn drug.

My phone rings again and I reach over my head to find it, bringing it to my face to read it. It's Niall. Of course, it is. Why wouldn't it be? I mean, why shouldn't we really finish off this terrible night with a bang. I don't think I can't talk to him. Honestly, I just don't have it in me right now so I press decline.

I close my eyes as fresh tears start to form. Niall didn't even do anything and here I am ignoring him. I cry softly, declining his call and sending it to voicemail two more times.

I lay there, the room getting steadily darker as the night dwindles away while I stare at nothing. I'm just sad. Sad that my friends don't support me. Sad that I was ever in love with Niall. Sad that I don't know what he wants from me now. Just sad.

My phone lights up in my hand, the screen coming to life and I'm afraid it's Niall again. And it is but not in the way I was expecting.

"You there Harper? I thought we were talking tonight? Are you okay?"

A text. A plain and simple text just to check on me. I sit up, sniffling and wiping my face dry. Texting I can do right now.

"No, I'm not okay. It's been a really long day. Lily and I had a fight and I just don't feel like talking right now."
"I'm sorry"

I watch the screen and immediately I can see him responding.

"A fight? But I thought you two were best friends?"

I chuckle a watery laugh. "Yeah me too."

"I'm sorry you're not happy right now. How can I help?"

I smile slightly at the thought of Niall trying to cheer me up. "Not sure what you can do from across the world."

"Oh, you'd be surprised."
"Operation Cheer Up Harper...Begin !"

I wait for more messages to appear but nothing happens. After a few minutes, I set my phone down. Operation Cheer Up Harper sucks so far.

But I speak too soon. My snapchat starts to blow up on my phone. Notification after notification appearing on the lock screen, all with Niall's name beside them. My heart beats a little bit faster as I open it and tap the purple box next to his name. His face appears in front of me and I smile at the sight of it. I didn't realize I'd missed him this much. He starts to talk. My eyes stay glued to his mouth. Watching his lips curl around his words is one of my guilty pleasures.

"I hope you're ready for Operation Cheer Up Harper!"

I giggle as he waggles his eyebrows at me and then the video ends but another begins before I have time to be sad. Now his face is covered by a hilarious filter. Streaks of pink and purples shimmer as he turns his face from side to side.

"I think I look rather good don't you?"

My insides feel like they’re melting with each new snap. I burst out laughing when he appears with a giant neck and square shaped face in the last one. He scrunches his shoulders up and pretends to flex his muscles. He puts on his best meathead impression.

"How you doin’? I work out."

My phone goes quiet for a moment and a fog of loneliness sinks into my chest. I knew I missed him, but I had no idea I missed him this much. The sight of his face has shined a new light on the whole situation. After my terrible night, I almost felt like Niall was my only friend. The realization is shocking. I mean, how did it even get to this point?

My phone lights up with a new snap notification and I open it immediately, hoping for another distraction before my sadness takes over again. It feels as if I'm reaching out to the only lifeline to happiness I have at the moment. When his face appears this time, his mouth is exaggerated by a large frown.

"This is what you look like right now. Don't lie. I know you."

His next snap plays immediately and his frown is replaced by a huge grin, complete with purplish lipstick. To be honest he looks a little manic and a lot ridiculous.

"I was going to say this would be you after I'm done but now I'm slightly afraid of this filter." He shudders slightly. "Let me try again."

Now he is wearing puppy ears and a large tongue is lapping at the screen. I can’t control my fit of laughter. I'm still giggling when the next one appears. I'm expecting more hilarity, but I'm confronted with something even better. It's just Niall. His adorable face is scrunched up and he's drawn a red heart around it. The caption reads "you better respond soon. I'm running out of nice ones."

I hold my phone up, scarcely believing that I'm doing this. I scroll to my favorite filter and snap a quick one of myself with a giant nose. The caption reads, "You forgot the best one." I hit send and wait. I'm rewarded quickly when he sends an answer in the way of video. His face festooned with a nose to match mine. He's laughing in it and my chest tightens. It's nice to hear that laugh after such a long and brutal day.

"You're absolutely right. This is by far the best one. I think I look pretty fucking amazing with this nose."

He winks at me just as the video ends. Every wall I'd built this evening has crashed down at the feet of Niall Horan. I give in to the urge and find his name in my contacts and hit call before I can second guess myself. He answers immediately.

"Hiya sunshine, I knew you couldn't resist my face. It was the nose that did it, wasn't it?"

Just hearing his voice makes my heart feel lighter and I realize I'm smiling again. I didn't think smiling would be possible tonight.

"Yes but with so many attractive faces, it was a tough call on the winner. You are pretty tough to resist." I pause, my light laughter dropping and my tone turning softly serious. "Niall...thanks for the laughs. Really. You have no idea how much I needed that."

He follows my lead, his own voice going soft. "Wanna talk about it? I'd like to help if I can."

"Nah, I'll be alright. Lily and I will work it out."

"Okay, that's good. I've got an idea, though." I can feel the excitement in his voice.

I'm not really feeling it, but he's tried so hard I should listen to his idea.

"Okay, let's hear this genius idea of yours."

"Let's watch a movie together. We can both make popcorn, have a drink, sit on our respective couches, though mine is in a hotel room and I may have to order room service for the popcorn." He chuckles to himself. "But we can watch Netflix and pretend we are actually in the same place for a night. What do you say, Harps? You in?"

When I don't answer right away he starts to beg, "Come on...it'll be fun. It will get your mind off things."

I feel tired and crabby, but I'm not going to lie, his idea sounds pretty stinking wonderful.

"Alright, Niall, you're on. But you better call room service now for your popcorn because this is a race and I'm going to kick your ass." I hop off my couch and race to the kitchen. I can hear him scoffing and sputtering through the line. He may be a thousand miles away but it does feel like he's here. "I bet my popcorn is done before yours even gets there." I grab the microwaveable bag and toss it in, pushing the correct button.

"Shit. That's cheatin'! You know they won't have it up here by the time yours is ready."

I laugh, "That sounds like a personal problem to me."

I hear him on what I assume to be the hotel phone before he briefly comes back to me. "You certainly know how to rally back."

"I also know how to win." I remind him just as my timer goes off.

I could hear him scrambling in his hotel room trying his best to do what he can to win even though he's depending on someone else. His competitive nature just won't give up, something I know well. Because it feels like I have all the time in the world, I slow my pace. I reach into my cupboard and find a big bowl. I pull the bag from the microwave, open it, careful not to burn myself, and empty it into the bowl.

"Damn. Is your room service delivered by snails. I'm already on the couch with Netflix cued up." I tease him with the lie. "The fact that you're so clearly losing, does that mean I get to pick the movie?"

I grab my last bottle of wine and struggle to my couch, arms full of all the makings for an unexpected yet adorable movie night. I sigh as I relax into the cushions and feel the tension seep from my body.

This guy.
He's done it.
He's taken my terrible day and turned it upside down. I may not know where we're headed but I know now that I will always have a friend in Niall Horan. That alone is a reason to smile.

I hear a loud crash followed by a groan and muttered curses.

He huffs. "You cheated. You got a head start. And an actual kitchen that's yours."

"I'm sorry, we can't all be as cool as you staying in fancy hotels and what not. You having problems over there across the pond?" I ask playfully.

"No, no problems. I was just tryin' to beat you to the couch and I hit my bowl on the damn dresser in here and I almost dropped everything. My room's a mess now. I was tryin' to clean it all up and salvage what I could but then I slipped in the mess and nearly dropped it all again. It's all good now. I saved at least half the food I ordered."

I giggle at the picture in my head of him clinging to his stuff surrounded by popcorn everywhere. "Hurry up. I know it's a long walk from your hotel room door to your sitting area. The pop star life must be so rough."

"Shut up." He snorts and then huffs as I hear him sit down. "Did you decide on a movie?"

I tell him my choice with a suppressed grin. I deliberately picked one of the worst movies I've ever seen just to hear his reaction.

He clears his throat. "A'right it's all cued up and ready."

He's obviously never seen it and I clamp my mouth down to hold in my laughter. This is going to be amazing.

"How bout a toast?" He asks, bringing me back.

I pour myself a glass quickly, "Go for it. I'm ready."

"To the girl I call sunshine for a reason, and here's hoping that I can bring back that fun, silly girl before the end of this night."

I think I might melt into the couch at his words. I raise my wine. "You're well on your way, my friend. Cheers."

The movie starts and we both watch quietly . I hear him chomping his popcorn and it reminds me of how cute he is when he's eating. So loud, and with such gusto, much like everything else he does.

"So, what kinda movie is this exactly? I've never heard of it before." Not even ten minutes in and he's already sounding confused.

It is getting so hard to suppress my laughter, because it's obvious, even this soon, that this is a terrible movie. The acting is awful, the production value is extremely low, and the plot is so ridiculous it's borderline funny when it's supposed to be a thriller. Did I mention the trolls? No? Well, there are trolls.

I try to act like it's the best thing ever. "It's a thriller. An independent film. It won awards." I keep rambling on, chuckling under my breath. "Isn't it great so far? Just wait. It gets so good."

The doubt flowing through his mind is so loud that I can hear it clear across the ocean. He must think I'm insane. It's amazing.

"Well..." He pauses looking for just the right words. "...It's definitely interesting."

He's so sweet. I know he must be thinking I'm crazy and yet he's watching this god awful movie for me. He's even going as far as pretending it's good just to keep from hurting my feelings. The plot sinks to an all time low and bonus, you can actually see a gaffer in the frame. I resort to holding my phone upside down, my mouth as far away from the mic as it can get, so he can't hear me cracking up.

"Okay. I can't take this anymore. What the hell are we watching?"

I pull the phone back to my mouth and a cascade of bubbling laughter falls from my lips.

"What the fuck Harper? What did you just make me watch? This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen. You can't possibly think this is good. Please tell me you don't think this is good. If this is good I'm going to have to seriously rethink everything I know about you. If this is good our entire relationship is based on lies and deceit. What’s wrong with you?"

"I can't believe you lasted this long!"

"Lasted this long? You did this on purpose?" He asks, sounding incredulous.

I try to talk through the uncontrollable bursts of laughter and it's nearly impossible but I somehow manage words. "It's almost been an hour! You're an idiot if you actually thought I liked this."

"Five minutes in, I was questioning everything I knew about you . I watched it quietly because I thought I was cheering you up." I hear him toss the remote in frustration. "Fuck, that's an hour of my life I'll never get back."

I keep laughing. I can't stop and I really don't want to. My emotions had been all over the place today and it feels so good to finally let it all out.

He giggles a bit. "Sounds like I did a pretty good job, eh? It's nice to hear you laugh again. I could listen to it all night."

I sober a little at his words. He really had done it. I'm still furious with Lily, but I know everything will be fine eventually. Niall's made everything better just like magic. There're not many people who can do that, especially for me. "Yeah, I guess you're not so bad at this whole operation cheer up me. Thanks for this, really, I needed it."

"No problem sunshine." He breathes softly into the phone. "Guess, I can call you that again?"

"I haven't stopped you yet, have I?"

We spend the rest of our night making fun of each other and the ridiculous movie. There is a lot of laughing, a few terrible puns, and one or two well-placed innuendos. By the end of the call, I feel warm, happy and completely relaxed. At some point I name this feeling the “Horan Effect” which sends Niall into a bout of hysterics.

"You're dumb, but I like it. Go to bed babe. I think the movie may have leached into your brain. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I snuggle up in my bed, a huge sleepy smile on my face. "Okay..." I yawn out the words. "Good night Niall."

"Good night, Sunshine. Sweet dreams." He whispers quietly.

I hang up and fall asleep instantly, the worries of the day a distant thought made hazy by the laugh of a kind man.

I make it a point to ignore Jamie the next few days at work. I just don't want to talk to the traitor right now. Despite the fact that there has been complete radio silence on Lily's end and Jamie keeps giving sad puppy dog eyes, the bad taste in my mouth doesn't follow me home. I've got too much to look forward to because movie night with Niall has become a bit of a thing over the last couple of days. It's a wonderful way to end an evening, listening to Niall mock accents and say the lines of movies he's seen a million times. Every night I find myself getting lost in the deep rasp of his voice. He could probably just read me the phone book and I'd be on board and asking for more. Tonight we have another, dare I say, date planned and I can't wait. I get to pick the movie tonight but this time he's made me promise that I won't try to trick him again. I went with a solid choice that both he and I love. I'm just getting everything ready when I there's a knock on my door. I look up confused. I'm not expecting anyone and I have no idea who that could be. I walk quickly over to it just as my bell rings again.

"Yeah, yeah, hold your horses. I'm coming." I say as I fiddle with the locks and pull the door open. Shock hits me straight in the chest.

Lily is standing in my doorway, her arms full of a random assortment of things, the most noticeable being a large box of chocolates with the words 'I'm sorry. I'm a twat.' scrolled across the front of it. I stand there silently wishing I didn't feel like I could cry at any second. Lily frowns at me from across the threshold and her eyes well up.

"I'm so sorry Harper. The moment you walked out of my apartment I knew I was in the wrong but I was so stubborn. This is your life and I have no right to tell you how to live it. You’re right, I’m not your mother. My heart was in the right place because as your bestfriend I hate seeing you broken and sad. I hated him for doing that to you. I wanted to hit him in his stupid little pop star face. But that doesn’t mean I should talk to you like you’re some hormonal teenager. I shouldn’t have ever treated you like that." She sniffs and a tear spills over her cheek. "But something's happened and I need you. You're my best friend. I was a complete and utter bitch but please forgive me."

"Stop crying you ass. You know when you cry I cry. Get in here." I grab her and pull her to me, the chocolates falling to the floor at our feet. We wrap our arms around each other and just hug both muttering apologies for our behavior that night.

The tears stop and she bends down to pick up the box, handing it to me. I laugh, "I do love the addition on the front, though. Thanks for that."

She grins. "I thought that might help a little."

I pull her to the couch and we collapse together. "So what's happened? Tell me everything."

She doesn't say a word only holds up her left hand, a beautiful ring glinting on her finger.

My eyes go wide. "Oh my god! Lily! Did Ben propose? This is amazing!" I wrap arms around her again, squeezing her tightly. I can't believe my best friend is getting married! I pull back and grab her hand, looking at the ring closely. "So, tell me! How did he do it?"

She starts to open her mouth but my phone rings. Shit. Niall. I forgot about our...thing. I grab it and silence it but Lily gives me a wary eye. "Sorry, it was just Niall. But you don't...it's okay. I'll just call him later. I know you don't like..."

Lily rests her hand on my forearm stopping me mid-sentence. "Harps. Answer. Tell him you'll call him back. It's fine! Really! Hell, tell him I'm getting married and that he's invited." She holds up one finger emphasizing a point yet to be made. "But only if he brings an expensive present."

I chuckle as I stand up, walking into the other room to answer. "Hey, Niall..."

"Oh. What's wrong?" He can tell instantly that something isn't right.

"Oh no! Nothing is wrong! But I just...I have to postpone our movie night tonight. Lily is over."

He breathes a sigh of relief through the line. "Oh! That's okay. Everything okay with you two? I know you haven't talked much the past few days."

I smile at his thoughtfulness. "Yeah, I think everything is going to be just fine. She had some big news. She's getting married! She even said you could come."

From the other room Lily yells, "Don't forget the expensive present."

"What did she say?" Niall asks, confused.

"Nothing." I cover quickly. "Anyway, can I call you tomorrow?"

"Sure, Sunshine, no problem."

I hang up and I feel light and bubbly. Everything feels like it's finally coming together. Lily spent the rest of the evening filling me in on all that's happened since that terrible night at her place. Ben found her in a heap on the kitchen floor that night and spent the next few days cheering her up. His proposal was unplanned and happened in the street, in the rain, in front of their favorite restaurant, this tiny little hole in the wall. It sounded perfect. I'm so happy for her and I remind her of that for the tenth time as I refill her wine glass.

"Thank you! I'm so happy!" She sighs as she takes a sip.

I giggle. "I bet you are. Ben is a great guy."

She sets her glass down suddenly and looks at me seriously. "Harper..." She grabs my hands and holds them in hers. "You have to be my maid of honor! Please say you will! Please!"

I outright laugh this time. "Do you really think I'd let some other hoe-bag take my special spot out of there. No way. Of course, I will be!" I sip my wine and think of all the fun things ahead for us when inspiration hits me. "Oh! Oh-oh oh! Let's have a little celebration! Jamie has been wanting to introduce us to his girlfriend! This is the perfect excuse!"

She squeals with delight. "Yes! Let's do that! Something small maybe? We could all meet for drinks at our favorite pub?"

"Perfect!" I clap my hands excitedly. I hold my glass up to Lily and wait for her to raise hers. I smile over at her fondly. "To all the craziness that awaits us!"

She clinks her glass to mine and adds, "And then some!"

Notes