The Making Of Us

“Cassie!! Wake up we gotta go to the hospital NOW! Your dad called it sounds urgent” Niall is shouting at me

“Fuck Niall why are you yelling at me?” I whine

“Cassie we need to go NOW its your mom.”

I throw on my clothes not doing my make up and putting my hair into a pony tail, Niall and I hurry out of the hotel, its slicker than shit outside so it takes a little longer to get to the hospital. When we get there I see my dad and brother standing in the doors. My dad is holding my brother who is shaking. Niall comes to my side of the truck and opens the door. We hold hands as we cross the parking lot, we make our way into the hospital I walk right pass my dad and brother making my way swiftly to the elevator. We climb in and go up to the Intensive Care floor. Once the doors open I can see the little area where all my family is gathered. I walk over to my grandma, she tells me to sit down so I do I sit on the table in front of her she takes my hands in her

“Cassie honey, early this morning about two o’clock the doctor came out and told us that your momma’s liver, kidneys and heart were failing. She struggled all night and she died about 5 minutes ago. Now Cassie it’s said that when a person dies the hearing is last to go. So I need you to go in there and tell her your goodbyes.”

I fall to the ground sobbing loudly, it takes Niall, Nate and my dad to get me off the ground. I compose myself enough to walk back to the room. There she is a crisp white sheet covering her entire body. The nurse pulls the sheet back enough to expose her upper torso. She looks peaceful, no beeping machines, no tubes hanging off of her. I walk over to the side of the bed and take her hand in mine. It’s cold as ice and stiff, I feel a hand on my shoulder and look back to see who it is. Taylor stands there with tears falling down her cheeks, that’s when the second wave hits me. Luckily Niall catches me before I hit the floor again.

There is a knock on the door. It’s Father Chamberlin he wants to know if we want him to give mom her last rights. We wait a couple minutes so everyone can be in the room together. We say a few prayers and Father Chamberlin reads mom’s last rights to her before we all exit into the lobby again. I guess the plan is that everyone is going to my grandparent’s house for the remainder of the day to call and inform other family and friends of what has happened.

“Daddy, Niall and I are going back to mom’s house for a little bit I need to be by myself before I face all those people.”

“Ok Cassie but no hanky panky, your brother told me you didn’t come home last night young lady.” Dad says to me

“Dad please I’m in no mood to even be up right now let alone have sex.” I snap at him

Niall and I leave and go to my mom’s house. Once inside I fall to the floor

“FUCK YOU GOD!!! WHY???WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS BULLSHIT I HATE YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU?” I scream at the top of my lungs.

Niall is sitting watching me with tears streaming down his face as well. “Niall” was all I could get out between sobs. He comes to me and sits on the floor wrapping is arms around me tightly. We sit there for a few minutes before I regroup and calm down.

“Cassie, I want you to know I will be here for you no matter what. I love you I can’t imagine what you are feeling but just know I am and will always be here for you.”

“I love you Niall James Horan.” Was all I could spit out.

I get up to go upstairs and shower, get dressed then I wait for Niall in my room while he showers quickly.

January 5:
Today is mom’s funeral. Nate and I picked everything out, momma’s casket is made of Mother of Pear with a dusty rose pink satin for the lining, we chose yellow roses as the flowers for the top those were momma’s favorite flowers. The music was a bit harder to choose from but we did good I think we went with Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler, Remember Me by Mark Anthony, Angels by Jessica Simpson and a crappy version of Amazing Grace that the funeral home provided. Niall and I are standing by the door when I get a sudden chill, I look over to see who has come through the doors now. To my surprise it’s Harry, Louis, Liam and Zayn. They walk over to where Niall and I are standing they hug me and kiss me on each cheek

“How’re ya holding up Cass?” Harry ask me

All I can do is shrug and shake my head tears silently falling onto my cheeks. He makes his way over to me embracing me into a strong hug. It’s time for everyone to start filling in for the service to start Myself, Niall, Taylor, Kim, Nate, Dad and my grandparents make up the front row. The boys find seats behind us and everyone else piles in where ever there is room.

“We are gathered here today to not say good bye to Ruth but to say see you later. Because that’s just it, we will see her later in the after-life. Ruth fought a long hard battle, it was filled with some joy and a lot of pain, she spoke with me a few weeks after she was admitted to the hospital. She told me she was more worried about her children. I told her that her children were just fine they were taken well care of. I said Ruth you need to focus on yourself, on the battle that is raging inside of you. You need to fight these demons away so you can enjoy life with your kids. That was not God’s plan though”

Father Chamberlin went on about fighting a losing battle. And that she really tried her best but her body was just too overcome and weak to fight anymore. I was sobbing at this point almost hyperventilating. I could feel five hands on my back rubbing and stroking my shoulders in different places. I know one is Niall he hasn’t taken his arm from around my neck all day. I look behind me to see who the other hands belong to. Harry, Louis, Liam and Zayn are all looking at me with tears in their eye they mouth to me all at one time

“It’s okay love just let it out, everything will be ok we are here for you.”

I grab each of their hands to let them know I appreciate everything they’ve done by letting Niall take so much time off to be with me through all of this and flying 15 hours to come to my momma’s funeral. The snow has really picked up outside, everyone is making their way to their cars to head over to the grave site. We have two limos so I decide that my grandparents, brother dad and step mom can ride in one and I will ride in the other with Niall and the boys. It’s a silent ride over there with the occasional sob coming from me.

“Cassie we are truly sorry for your loss. We want you to know that we are all here for you anytime you need it.” Louis reassures me

“Thanks Lou that means a lot to me I don’t have many friends, actually Taylor is the only friend I have.”

“That’s not true, we’re your friends Cassie” Zayn says

We arrive at the cemetery and bundle up before getting out of the car. Its freezing and the snow is at full force now. The graveside service shouldn’t take too long, we say a couple prayers then Father Chamberlin reads the poem we chose for him to read called
‘Footprints’

“One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

Father Chamberlin finishes up by telling everyone where the dinner is being held and to be safe and stay warm making our way over there. As everyone else is leaving I’m still sitting frozen in my chair. I can’t believe this is real. Niall and the other boys are looking at me as tears start streaming down my face. They all huddle around me giving me a giant One Direction group hug. The only thing I get out between sobs.

“She’s really gone?!”

Notes

sorry this is a little sloppy. its very emotional for me to write through this, resurfacing old feelings from when my own mother died. its just hard to do but I did it