Today was amazing. I finally got to do my shoot for my portfolio. The last hairstyle for the dresses just would not work. I got frustrated very quickly. I felt like the people around me were judging me. All my insecurities came flooding back.
Tears running down my face. I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I really needed to take the pain away some how I was going to. I started to look for anything that could. The mirror cupboard above the sink that's where I found it. I know I shouldn't use it but its the only thing.
My hand found it. I put it just touching my skin. Tears still running down my face. I pushed it a little deeper.
Bright red blood started to poor out. I desgised the pain with tears. Three more cuts and I couldn't do anymore.
Niall. Me.
Princess its me. Please open the door and let me in.
It was silent for a few minutes.
Niall is is that you.
Yes kitkat its me. And only me. Ele has taken your parents to the apartment so its just me and you here.
baby girl all I wanna know is if you okay. Just to hold you. We don't have to talk unless you wanna and then its at your pace.
I slowly unlocked the door. he didn't move from the position that he was in.
I won't come in unless you want me to.
Niall I I I need you.
I said and my voice just broke.
I was on the floor in a ball like before. He sat down next to me and I pulled my weak lifeless body on to his and he shut the door. He Moved with me ontop off him so his back was against the door.
He kissed my fore head.
Ni ni Niall
Yes baby.
Your disappointed in me. Aren't you
He looked at me with an inquisitive look and that's when he saw it.
I quickly covered it up.
You are. I I knew it. I couldn't help it. I'm soorrryy.
Why would you think that I'm disappointed in you. I could never be dissappointed. Listen I love you soo much. Let's get you cleared up. I will ring ele to bring you a hoodie and a pair off jeans.
I nooded. He rang ele and she said she would bring some clothes for both off us.
I'm I'm sorry Niall it just got on top off me. I got frustrated and people were presurising me. Please don't leave.I need you.
I'm not going anywhere. Okay. We should get you cleaned up. Let's get this top off yeah.
I nooded and he started to run the tap water and let it fill the sink up. He found a flannel and started to was the dry blood off. It stung soo bad but it had to be done.
I couldn't believe that I had managed to do this. I know that this is not gonna go away.
Ni ni. I I think I need help. I've been feeling low and down recently but I haven't found anytime to tell you cause we've been so busy. I sorry.
Kitkat its alright. We will get it sorted. Shall we see if we can get you to a doctor. Hmm.
Thank you Niall. He had finished washing the blood off and he was now drying it. Once he was done he put his hoddie on me and he lifted me up and we sat on the sofa and waited till ele came. A short while later ele came back with the stuff that Niall had asked her to bring. I got changed and Niall made me a drink. I sat down and drank it whilst ele done her hair. "ele. I'm sorry about earlier. It just kinda got ontop off me. But its okayish now. And ur hair looks amazing and it will go perfectly with the last two dresses if we just do this." I said nervosly once I finished my drink. I got some grips and slowly placed two bits off hair that I twisted and gripped it at the back I covered it with a bit off hair so it covered the grips. Ele had natural make up with pale lips. I helped her into the plum dress and she looked amazing. She walked slowly to the white screen and the photographer started to photograph. Niall came up behind me and rested his head on my shoulder with his arms around my waiste.
I'm so proud off you. Everything you have been through most people would happily give up but you, your an inspiration.
Stop it Niall.I said pushing his arms off of my hips and turned around. Just stop it. I'm not I harmed myself today cause I couldn't hack the pressure who knows what I'm gonna do.
Tears formed in my eyes. Don't you even think about it. Everyone has bad things that happen to them. But you have me to help you. We will get you sorted no matter how long it takes. I'm not gonna leave you. I could never we have the rest off our lives together. I love you so much.
I'm so sorry Niall. Its just the way I'm thinking its just gonna take a lot of time for me to to.
Its alright sweety I know what ur trying to say. You go and change ele into the other dress and I will phone the doctors to see if There's any appointments.
I nooded. I helped ele out off the plum dress and into the red one I made especially for her.I took out the grips and put her hair into a cute high bun. I also put scarlet red lipstick on her. I helped her put on her red shoes and we then made our way back to the photographer.
Niall soon came back. They have an appointment for an hours time. So we can go then. Okay.
ttthank you Niall. I said and kissed his cheek.
Ele soon had finished and the photographer had as well.
"thank you for this Emma." I said.
"ohh its my pleasure. I will choose the best photo's and send them over to you. It was a pleasure to meet you.I can see a big future for you." Emma said
"I'm sorry about myself earlier. Things just got on top off me" I said with a little smile on my face.
"ohh don't worry about that I've had people walk out before. Its okay." she said.
"Katie we better be going." Niall said.
"thank you again." I say to Emma. "ohh it was my pleasure. Ohh Katie take my card and if you need a photographer in the future I would be honoured." she said whilst hugging me. She shoke niall's hand and hugged ele.
Niall spoke to ele earlier and she said she will take everything back to the apartment and put it in our room.
We helped ele put everything into the car and we said goodbye to her and I took a deep breathe. I got into niall's car and we made our way to the doctors surgery, well that's where I thought we where.
He pulled up into the hospital car park and parked up. I just looked at him with a little confusion. "I thought that we could get the doctor to see how your stomach is whilst were here. When I rang up the surgery they said that the doctor we saw was doing his appointments in the hospital. don't worry okay." he said and got out the car he came to my side and opened the door and put a hand out for me.
I took a deep breathe and took nialls hand and got out. "Niall I trust you. Maybe could you umm tell the doctor please." I said as we started to walk to the hospital entrance. "I will but I only know parts off it. I will tell as much as I know. Okay." he said.
"okay okay. I WIll." I said.
We walked in and we had a few looks but then it stopped. We got told to go wait in the waiting room and the doctor would be with us soon. We waitied. I started to get a little impatient and my leg started to shake.
Niall placed his hand on my leg. I know little things like that annoy him just like it does me. The doctor came in. "ah miss Kelland if you'd like to follow me. " we both got up and I grabbed nialls hand and held it extremely tight. We walked in and I sat down. I never let go off nialls hand. Doctor. Me. Niall
So what can we do for you miss Kelland.
Well about two months ago and Katie had a miscarriage and she had ruptured a muscle and tissue in her stomach.
Ohh yes I remember now how is it and how are you.
Umm that's the thing. I'm not that good. I've been feeling really down and low ever since I Went to see a counciler the Monday after it all happned it did help but I umm had a photo shoot today for my dresses and it just got ontop off me and I I done this. I rolled up my sleves to reveal the scars. I never really had a second thought about doing it. It just kinda happened. I need something to take away the pain. I feel really ashamed about it.
Tears started to fall down my face. uncontrollable tears.
Well. How long have you been feeling like this.
I I I think it must be like after Christmas but I just kinda got used to it. I know I should off said something. But I felt ashamed.
Even more tears fell.
She came to an apperance off me and the boys the Monday after and the fans wanted our girlfriends to come on stage so they did. We were all a little unsure how Katie would react and she had a panic attack as soon as they got off stage.
The doctor was sat at the computer typing away.
Well there is an explaination for the way you have been feeling. Well it seems like you have a case off depression. We can give you some tablets to help.
The doctor printed off a perscription.
If you come back in a month then we can see how ur feeling then if the tablets don't work then you may wanna think about a centre that specialises with depression.
Thank you doctor. Is there any side effects with these tablets.
umm well it will consit off 16 tablets a day. 4 sets off 4 tablets. They can make you drosie so I would advise you not to drive for the first two days.
I took a deep breathe. How could I tell my parents that I had depression. I couldn't.
Thank you doctor.
One more thing. You should be able to a light exercise to help build up the stomach muscles again.
We got up shoke the doctors hand and we left. we walked out and got back in the car. "you okay princess." Niall said.
"umm yeah I guess. I just don't know how I'm gonna tell mum and dad." I said. "we will find away. Shall we go and get this perscription. Baby girl." a smile came to my face. He drove. Luckily this time there was no paps around.
We got my tablets and made our way back to the apartment. I put my perscription in my bag and made our way into the apartment. Luckily my parents had gone. I took a deep breath opened the box off tablets, got a glass, filled with water and then took four tablets. I went into our bedroom and got ontop off the duvet. I rested my head down and I slowly drifted into a sleep.

I woke up. Checked my phone and it was 5 o'clock. I got up, grabbed my ipad and made my way out to the front room. Niall was sat on the sofa. I went and sat next to him. "have a nice sleep princess." he said. I nooded. "yeah it was nice. I'm sorry about earlier Niall. anf I'm sorry you had to hear that at the doctors." I said.
"its okay. I understand. You realise you were asleep for like four hours. Whilst you were asleep. I was looking at some stuff for the house. I thought that maybe if we start doing it it can give you something to focus on."he said as I cuddled into him. "yeah. I think that's what I need. Thank you Niall. I don't know where I would be with out you.". I hugged him. We watched the TV for a little bit and ordered things for the house.
"so I was thinking that maybe we could get the paint and stuff for the house tomorrow and start." he said amd kissed my forehead. "ofcourse I'd love to Niall but haven't you got a radio interview first thing." I said.
"ohh yeah but that's really early so by the time you've woken up I will be back. Okay my little elf." he said.
I laughed and I soon fell asleep. I woke up in the morning to my alarm well it wasn't my normal alram it was one so I could take my tablets. It was set for 8:30. I knew that Niall went at about 5. I got up put my hair ruffly up went out into the kitchen and put the kettle on. Made myself a cuppa, drank it and went and had a shower. I washed my hair and I felt a lot better. I got dried put my pjs back on. Dryed my hair and I decided to curl it. Once I was done I walked into the wardrobe and opened the doors. Everything always seemed so neat and tidy in there. I think It must be niall.
I saw exactly what I wanted to wear. This amazing blue and white stripped short sleved maxi dress that went in at the waiste. I decided to team it with my denim jacket and some cute sandels. I also decided to put on my charm bracelet that Niall had gotten me I also put on a long necklace that had an anchor on. I lightly did my make up and I got my bag ready.
Ipad,liploss, purse,tablets, phone. Girls you know the normal things that we have in our handbags. I quickly checked my phone.
To:pricess.
From: nialler.
Hey beautiful. How are you feeling today. Hope your all ready to get going as soon as us boys get back. Also can you pack me some sweats and a tanktop and an old pair off shoes and some toiletries. I was thinking that maybe we could stay the night at the house. So you may wanna pack some stuff as well may wanna also pack some duvets and pillows.
Love you so so much. Ni ni. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ;)

I went back into our room and then packed an overnight back for the two off us. I also packed two towels and I got the quilt folded and then I also got the pillows all ready. I know that there is also another quilt in the wardrobe cupboard so I went and got that one as well. At that point Lauren walked in.
"umm Katie what are you doing." she asked. "ohh me and Niall are gonna start work on the house and he had the idea off staying the night there so I have quilts and pillows as we haven't got a bed yet." I say as I place the other quilt on the bed. "hmmm okay. Need any help." she repliled. "well as your offering then yes please can you help me take the quilts to the landrover please." she rolled her eyes and we both laughed. By the time we put the quilts into the car and we went back upstairs the boys were back.
"you ready princess." Niall asked as I just sat down. "you waited till I sat down didn't you." I said. He just laughed. "well actually I am I just gotta get the bag from bedroom. Quilts and pillows are in the car." I also said. We said goodbye to the others and we headed towards the car. "good day today??" he asked as we got ready to set off. "yeah good day today." I replied with a smile on my face. We drove to the house and put our stuff in the front room and we put the fridge on. We got back into the car and made our way to the estate near by that had all the hardware stores. As soon as we got in B&Q I knew what I wanted. We kinda had two and a half trolley's full off paint, paintbrushes, wallpaper. Well all the stuff that we need.
When we got to the till we kinda spent £1000. We put it all in the car and made our way to homebase. "ni ni we still need a sofa, dining table, coffee table, bed, spare room furniture, kitchen stuff, the whole lot. We have to be super focusesd ni ni." I said as we got a trolly and made our way to find a suitable bed for the spareroom. We both agreed on the first one. I knew all the other stuff that we needed except for the dinning table and the sofa but it was okay because I had seen them online.
"babe I was thinking that maybe in the wardrobe or bathroom we could have like a chair in the corner or something as a statement." I said as we walked into home sense.
"you know I would off never off thought off that. This is why I'm letting you decide most off this. Ohhhhh I have an idea for the kitchen. You know the glass splashback we got, well why don't we put photo's behind it." a massive smile came to my face. "omg I love it Niall." I kissed his cheek. We looked around homesense and that's when I saw them. two amazing artdeco chairs. Niall saw my face and knew that I loved them. "umm excuse me could we have these chairs please." Niall said to a worker.
"yes no problem I will just take the tickets to the till. Could I take your Name sir." the worker said as he took the tags off. Niall looked at me "its Mr Horan. " Niall said a little quiter than normal. The worker didn't look up when he said horan thankgod. We carried on shopping and we then found some cute little auniments for the front room. We also see a cute garden sofa set but decide not to get it. we turned the corner to the bedroom section and that's when I see the bedside tables. These modern yet antique looking glass type tables. Niall knew imidetly.the same guy who we spoke to before walked past and Niall said exactly the same thing. Niall said to go and wait in the car so I followed him. "they are gonna deliver the stuff later. Where else is there?" he said as he started up the car. "umm just dfs, Harvey's and then Asda to get a little bit off food." I said and we were off. We headed to dfs and as soon as we walked in we both saw the sofa we wanted. We ordered it and payed. We then made our way to harveys and we ordered the Ten seater dining table and chairs we also ordered a side board to put at the back off the dining room.
It was all payed for and we organized for it to be delivered in the may half term. I knew that then I would start to move the majority off my stuff up to the house. We got back into the car and we finally made our way to Asda. When we got there we picked up the asentuals and payed and made our way back to the car finally. It was about 1:30 now and we were a little hungry. We had a quick bite to lunch on the way back to the house. As we arrived at the gate I found the key the would alow us in. We both have a set just like the others. Paul's wife saw our car and came out. Niall reversed on the drive so it was easier to unload the car full off the paint and other stuff. We got out and pauls wife came over. We were talking to her for a little while. Once she went back in we opened the door and then started to bring in the food shopping. I put it away because I know for a fact Niall would just eat it all.