Redrum

this is the day that none of us want to complete. even though we dont have louis' body we want to put him to rest with zayn and niall. we decided to put things we had recieved from fans and a few of our own things in the casket and when we find him we'll do a reburial. as were all in the back of the limo its just the 3 of us. we wanted to ride seperatly and the 3 of us together. not to be rude to their families i think we just needed to be together at this point. i dont think i could function all that well without either one of them. we had slowly started to come out of the darkness that had taken over us and talking to others a bit more. as we take the drive to the church i can tell were all getting more nervous as our breathing has changed and i can feel myself an the boys shaking a bit. the most nervous weve ever been.

as we pull up to the church were the last car as we see all of their families walking into te church and three hurses out front waiting. theres white roses all over the entrance that the boys spent a shit ton of money on tohave the church covered head to toe in flowers. liam is the first to step out then me then harry. as were met with loud screaming and photographers shouting at us. as we turn we see a sea of hndreds of people mostly fans and paparazzi standing. some crying and some just screaming. we make our way into the church with not even a wave from the boys as at this point they arent worried about the fans. walking in the smell of roses hits me from every direction and its magical. everyone is crying and sobbing the three of us enter nd are met with stares and whispering. paul and a few other security people come to walk us to the front and take our seats.

~~~2 days later~~~

the stares and whispers at the funeral i dont think ill ever forget. louis zayn and nialls moms were as kind as ever and hugged us all and told us not to worry and they dont blame us. which doesnt release the burden but helps a tiny bit. Perrie and El were a wreck at the funeral. it was hard to watch them bury the men that they loved. were all trying t move on from the tragedy that honest to god took over the world. its all anyone on the news talks about. even though there are no new leads on his body or who did this. liam and harrys families left after the service and its been the 3 of us ever since. we still cant sleep unless were all together. strange but we all find comfort in it. i had gotten up in the middle ofthe night to get some water and came back to liams room to see him and harry snuggled up together. it was so funny and cute i hnestly didnt want to wake them up so i could get back in the middle but i had to. harry laughed when i woke him up but liam didnt move.

in all honesty i wish we could just go on with our lives and not have to be reminded of it but everytime i close my eyes it hits me like a train. weve made a plan for the 3 of us to get something for the boys. we went out today for the first time and went to a tattoo parlor. we each agreed to get the first letters of their first names somewhere on us. harry did his on his right wrist, liam on his arm and i did it on the inside of my left wrist. all in the same caligraphy z,n,l. were making good progress i would say. but if this is the hardest thing we have to go through i think we can make it.





if it had only stayed that way

Notes