3 days later

its been three days since we left the asylum. we took off running to the window the boys got through right after louis was killed. we went straight to the hospital to have me looked at harry and liam had a few injuries but they were more concerned about te cuts and burns on me than their own injuries. the police came and questioned us about what happened and it was hard to even tell them. they went on a full on man hunt through the entire building and found zayn and niall's bodies in the freezer, but they couldnt find louis body. which we told them was in the basement. it wasnt there. we have no idea where it is, maybe whoever did this took his body with him. i stll cant quite wrap my head around the notion that i thought i saw my dad. was he alive? was he behind this? it doesnt make any sense to me in the slightest.

i was released from the hospital yesterday to a fire storm of media. the boys management released a statement about the deaths of zayn louis and niall.
it is with a heavy heart that modest! management and simon cowell have to confirm the deaths of Zayn Malik, Louis Tomlinson, and Niall Horan, who were murdered in an abandoned asylum in new orleans louisianna on january 15, 2015. Management and the remaining members of One Direction along with their families and the family of Caydence Markson have asked for privacy during this time. Cadynce who is related to surviving member Liam Payne was with them at the asylum and had been tortured. the extent of which we do not know. We only know that she is at home with Liam and his family along with other member Harry Styles and his family. Services for the boys have not been announced but will keep you updated with any new information.

after the statement was released it became harder and harder for me to comprehend everything that had happened. The funerals will be held together and the boys decided along with their families to have them buried together. side by side. Perrie, and Eleanor came to the hospital but couldnt stay and that i understood and dont hold against them. They are a cmplete wreck, but who could blame them. im sitting here in liams house with his parents and even harry hasnt gone back home. his familycame here to him, he couldnt leave liam or even me. both liam and harry had to sleep with me last night because i couldnt stop screaming. the dr had given them sedatives to give me but even they didnt work. Harry's mom Anne has been amazing to me. She always has a look of sadness but tries to mask it with a look of hope that the three of us can make it through this. Shes been trying to help all of us but none of us have been able to talk much just simple words. no full sentences.

i decided to take a shower before bed. walking into the bathroom i look in the mirror at the cuts on my face and arms and the burn marks. every time i see them i dont think of how they happened i think of Zayn. one reason because i have finger bruises on my forearm from him holding so tight before we found mike. even if i cant speak or laugh for some reason it makes me smile at the memory of how scared he was and how he was hiding behind me. if we had only known what was going to happen. I think of niall and how sweet and kind e was to anyone he met. He hated being mean to anyone. it just wasnt in his nature. he always made everyones day a little brighter and even in the worst mood could make you laugh so hard you almost wet yourself. i think of louis and how no matter what happened even when he lost it with me he was always the kind of person people should strive to be. his heart and strength were incomparable to anyone else. no matter how mad you were at him he always did something to cheer you up or apologize even if he had no idea what you were mad at him for.

These boys were my life, my family. and i ad the priviledge of having them in my life and loving them. They changed my life in so many ways. they brought out a strength in me i had no idea i had. I fought for them and beside them andfor what? they died in the end. was it all in vain? will their deaths mean anything to anyone other than this family? the fans and media even managemet will move on eventually but we have to sit here and remember watching our friends die. remember thateach of us killed someone that night. we have to live with that the rest of our lives, but everyone else will move on. Ive come to realize that life is not fair. Not everything happens for a reason. If it did whats the reason behind what happened? is there one? no i dont believe there is. i strip the clothes off and step into the shower and wash my hair and body in nialls shampoo and zayns body wash. its wierd but was what was in here. after im clean i sit in the tub and let the water washover me.

hoping that maybe everything that happened can wash away with the water, but i know it wont. i sob like theres no tomorrow for all that weve lost. the images of he boys bodies even the bodies of those who did this. im crying loud and hard not caring who hears me. i cant grasp onto reality at this point. it all seems like a dream i cant escape from. i hear the door open and think it may be anne because she checks onme when i shower. i look up to see not anne ut harry step into the shower fully clothed and now soaked. even though im naked i could care less, and i know he couldnt either. i finally look up to meet his eyes as hes kneeling in front of me as i have my legs against my chest. hes crying which seems to be all the 3 of us has done. i hold my arms up for him to pull me into his chest as he sits in the shower and has me against him. my head on his shoulder and his hand rubbing my back trying to sooth me the best he can even with him in the same shape. our lives have fallen apart in the blink of an eye. his career over along with liams.

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