Catching Red Eyes

It’s been 16 days since Harry left in that SUV up in the mountains. The first few days back were spent getting the pictures off the internet. My parents, along with Marsh and his team, ensured me that anyone who even tried to google or click on anything with my name and the word nude in it, would automatically be fined and sued. The days after that were spent trying to get my life on somewhat of a normal path. Laurie and I were back in New York and back to reality. Work was hectic and kept me busy. I gave Marsh the inactivated gold phone to give back to Harry. I was phoneless again but it didn’t matter to me.

No one asked about him, nor did I tell anyone about him. Laurie and I avoided all conversations about him. The only thing she mentioned, in passing, was on our way back to New York City.

“He was cool for a while there, Rowan. The concerts and planes and stuff but now it’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t be subjected to shit like this.”

I did agree with her but it still hurt. It hurt to the depths of my bones to the end of my hairs. I played it off when other people were around, but at night the tears always welcomed me home. I allowed myself to cry but only for an hour, then I would force myself to do something productive. With the help of Marsh, I planned out a new running route and started running every day after work. Marsh told me that Harry wanted him to still escort me but only until some of the attention wore off.

Day 16. I pushed back the front door and was immediately subjected to my tears. I put down my bags and went into my bedroom. I took off my sandals and curled up on my bed. I pulled my knees to my chest and it felt like my lungs were collapsing. This was the only time of day I allowed the memories of him to pass across my eyelids.

His laugh…his eyes…his hands…his hips…his face…his lips…

The tears fell as they did every day at this time. I waited to be able to take a normal breath in and wiped my face with the back of my hand. I went into my bathroom, pulled my hair in a ponytail, changed into my running clothes, and laced up my sneakers. They were old and a bit worn but I didn’t mind. I pulled back my front door, waved to Marsh, and slipped my headphones into my ears.

I was never into recreational sports. I was always writing or reading but something about being able to run and let the world fall away was very romantic to me. This is my favorite part of my day. With all the chaos that was my life, running was the only consistent thing I had right now. I didn’t know if this was healthy or sane but it made sense to me. I didn’t want to move on from him but a part of me was trying to let go of him.

Running back, I passed a few cameras but they were getting bored of me and were less and less every day. I did the same thin for the last 16 days and I knew that wasn’t news anymore. I waved to Marsh again as I went back inside. I was greeted by Laurie and her new boyfriend, Alec. I didn’t catch much else about him because they were constantly attached at the hip or the mouth. I did catch that he was a chef somewhere fancy in Brooklyn and didn’t mind that he cooked dinner for us almost every night.

“Yea, he was there all night, just drinking. He didn’t eat much-“

“Oh, hey doll. How was the run?” She asked, talking over him.

“Fine,” I said, looking at her curiously.

“Here. Call your mom.”

I took her phone and did as I was told. My parents and Laurie made a promise to each other to watch over me. I refused to move back home even with the protest of my parents but we made an agreement that I would call them every day to check in. Today was the same as the last. I told my mom I was fine and told her to give dad a hug. I hung up and gave Laurie back her phone.

“I’m going to shower.”

Laurie nodded and turned her attention back to her cooking boyfriend. I was grateful she had her attention directed elsewhere now because the first week back, I almost killed her. I was thankful to have her but I also needed my space to heal from the disaster of Harry and me. I guess that was what I was doing now. Reality slapped me in the face as I turned on the shower. Harry wasn’t trying to get me back. He wasn’t making any attempt to contact me when he knew he could easily make a phone call or take a plane ride to me.

The water turned cold and I made myself get out. I opened the bathroom door and thanked the heavens above that Laurie and her boyfriend had disappeared into her bedroom. There was a plate on the counter but I passed over it and went straight into my bedroom.
I sat on my bed and let the water drip down my body.I knew I had to eat after my run but I felt sick. I was pulled from my haze with a knock at my door.

“Yea?”

“Hey Row, you ok?”

I nodded even though I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be ok.

“Look…I have to tell you something…”

I looked at her again with curiosity. What now?

“Row…Harry was at Alec’s restaurant yesterday. He…he was drinking. A lot. They had to call the police because he started freaking out when they wouldn’t serve him anymore. I guess he tried to punch the owner. He was in bad shape.”

This new information washed over my body. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. A part of me wanted to go find him, take his face in my hands, and tell him it was going to be ok. Another part of me found comfort in knowing he was hurting just as much as I am. But the biggest part of me wanted this all to just go away.

“Thanks…but from now on, please don’t tell me anything about him. I really just want this all to go away.”

Laurie nodded and squeezed my arm before getting up and leaving me to my thoughts.

Day 16. The day I let myself cry more than once. I was facing the fact that Harry and I weren’t Harry and I anymore. I realized that slowly but surely, I wouldn’t want this anymore. I didn’t want to worry about this anymore. I wanted to do well at work and continue healing. I wanted my life to just be ok for one day. I wanted one day where I was just ok.

But could I let him go that easily?

Notes