Catching Red Eyes

I finally felt somewhat human a week since he had disappeared. I kept having terrible dreams of him lying next to me but woke up alone. I would dream that my phone was ringing and it was him but it never was. Laurie tried pulling me out of my haze but nothing worked. I appreciated what she trying to do but I needed to be left alone.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted or needed because we hadn’t spent that much time together but I never felt like this before. I felt childish and pathetic. No one made me feel like this. I pitied girls who cried over boys because they let themselves be vulnerable. But this wasn’t the same. It couldn’t have been. This felt real, like it was supposed to happen. I knew my path in life was to go to NYU, graduate, and be the Editor in Chief of some big newspaper and maybe, eventually find love. I never thought of sharing that with anyone else because it didn’t make sense but now…I wanted him to share that with me. I wanted him to be my side, achieving my dreams with me…but now he was gone.

I rolled over onto my side to face my window. It was raining. I rolled back over to face my closet. Nothing was appealing right now but I knew I had to get up and at least shower.

“Morning, sunshine.”

“Hey, Laurie.”

“Coffee?”

I nodded. Laurie had stopped asking if he had called or texted a few days ago.

“He is a dick, Row. Come on, let’s go do something fun. It’s rainy but the snow is finally melting and we could take the subway to Brooklyn and get those awesome pierogis you love.”

“Laur, I really don’t feel like doing anything.”

“Come on, you’ve been shutting yourself in your bedroom for days and it’s starting to smell funny. Come on, shower, get some real clothes on besides those sweats, and let’s go. I’ll wait.”

Laurie was right, I suppose. I sipped the warm coffee and agreed to go.

“You’ve made the right choice. Now go shower and let’s go.”

I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower the hottest it was go and watched as the mirror gathered condensation. I got in the shower and let the water run over my body. I closed my eyes and was reminded of a similar shower experience but shook my head free of the memory.

After my shower, I did feel better. I blow dried my hair and put clothes on and was ready to go.

“You look great, well compared to the past few days. Want me to do your makeup?”

“No. I’m ok.”

It was enough for me to just get up and shower, I didn’t want anything on my face.

Laurie and I jumped on the subway and took it to Brooklyn. It was still cold but the weather was better considering the terrible winter storms we’ve been having. Thankfully, the line for the pierogis wasn’t too long either.

“Thanks, Laurie. I appreciate this. Understanding with everything.”

“Course, you’re my girl.”
Just as we were about to get inside, I saw a black SUV round the corner. My heart dropped. I held my breath as it passed. When the screaming girls didn’t come, I focused my attention on my pierogis. After walking around Brooklyn, we grabbed the subway back home. It started to rain harder as we got closer to home.

“What the—“

Before I could wipe the rain from my eyes, the cameras were flashing in my face.

“Rowan! Rowan!! Over here! Where’s Harry!? Have you seen him lately?!”

“Fuck off!” I heard Laurie say and grab my arm. We ran the last few feet to our apartment and slammed the door. I sank onto the floor while Laurie bolted our door.

“How…h-how,” I tried saying but couldn’t get out the words.

Laurie came back into the front of the apartment with her MacBook and sat down next to me.

“I knew it! Look, this is all about you. How did they find all this shit?”

I looked over and to my horror saw my face staring back at me from some sleezy gossip site. I saw photos of Harry and me, hand in hand, eating, laughing, and to my utmost horror, kissing…on the balcony…there was a gallery just for those. I flipped through them and with each one I wanted to throw up. I sat back against the wall and let the tears fall.

Notes