Devoted To Sex

Age: Eleven
Dear Journal,
I can't believe it today is the day I turn 11! I'm so excited my mom is getting me a tinker bell cake and we are going to have a pool party. She's invited all of my friends to come! My grandmother is flying out from England today and is going to get here in time for the party. I haven't seen her in a year.
The last time I seen her was for her 60th birthday in August. Her party was really amazing I didn't know many people but they were very nice and welcoming to me. My grandmother had given me this necklace with a diamond on it. I wear it all the time and never take it off. It means the world to-
There is a knock on my door and I look up from my journal to see my dad in my doorway.
"Morning." I say happily and close my book putting it underneath my mattress for safe keeping.
"Happy birthday." He says and comes into my room closing the door a little so it was slightly cracked, something he had always done.

"Oh thank you." I smile bigger and sit up. "Is mommy up yet?" I ask curiously.
"She went out to the store to get something's to make breakfast." He says and sits next to me on the bed. I nod and move away a little uncomfortable with how close he was. "You know, your growing up to be a really pretty girl." He tells me an I smile shyly.
"Thank you." I say my words emotionless. He would always come in here occasionally and tell me how pretty I am. How beautiful my body was. I don't think anything of it figuring he's just complementing me.
He touches the hem of my night gown and pulls it up a little making my underwear visible. I quickly push the gown back down and look at him my eyes wide. He grabs a hold of my wrists and tugs the gown up again. I look at him and shake my head slowly processing what he was wanting to do.
"W-what are you doing?" I stutter my voice shaky. He pulls my underwear down my legs and I squirm around trying to free my hands but his grip was too strong. "Let me go!" I scream loudly. He slaps me across the face and I look at him shocked. I watch him quickly untie his shorts he was wearing before pulling them down his legs to his ankles. I look at his boxers and close my eyes.
"No no baby." He says and I shake my head. "Let me see those beautiful eyes baby girl." He tells me and I start to cry. My face was starting to hurt from the slap. I open my eyes and look at him sobbing. "Shut up or I turn you over and spank that little ass of yours." I bite my lip and try to keep from crying. His boxers come off next and I start to cry louder.

I try my hardest to get on my feet and run but he pulls me onto his lap. He holds me to his chest and pulls my night gown all the way up over my head. His eyes scan over my body and I shake my head.
"Please. Dad stop. Please!" I say pushing my body off of his which wasn't the smartest thing to do. He grabs me and flips me over on his lap.
"Stop being a bad girl. Bad girls get punished." He says and slaps my bum hard. I whimper and squirm around only to have him grab me by my neck. "Stop it." He says and spanks me again. He turns me around on his lap and sits me up. "You make daddy so hard baby." I look at him and cry even harder the. I was before.
"Please! Stop I'll do anything else you ask...just don't." I scream and pull my body away but it was no use his grip was too strong. He lifts me up and slides me down on his c.ock making me cry out. "Mom!" He quickly covers my mouth and starts to me. My eyes filled with tears as I quickly blink them away. Soon I hear footsteps and my door flies open.
"Zoe, I ma-" My mother looks at the sight in front of her and she covers her mouth anger washing over her. She comes over quickly an hits my dad. "Get off of her!" She yells and his grip loosens up enough for me to get myself off of him. I move onto my bed and cry hard looking at him scared. My mother motions me to come to her and I run as fast as I could my thighs so sore. She embraces me and rubs my head while I cry into her chest loudly. "Get the fuck out of my house!" I could tell she was crying by how shaky her voice was and I refused to move my head from it's spot buried on her chest.
"It's not my fault! She came onto me!" He tells her pulling his boxers and things up. I look up at her and slowly sink to the floor not being able to stand from the pain I was feeling.
"Your a liar." I mumble as stare at the floor crying, closing my eyes.
- * -
»Six Years Later«
Age: Sixteen
I walk into the small office, the familiar vanilla scent filling the air. My mother right by my side as I take a sit in the open chair across from Stephanie, my consoler. She smiles brightly at we and pushes her glasses back on her face, standing up slowly fixing her skirt.
"Morning ladies. Please have a seat Misses Taylor." Stephanie says patting the seat that was next to me. I look up at my mother and she shakes my head holding her purse close to her side.
"I'm not going to joining in the session today. I have to business to attend." She says quietly and pats my head kissing my cheek. I look at her my eyes widening a little. I've never had a session with Stephanie alone. Not ever in the five years that I have been seeing her. I look up at my mom with sad eyes. "I'm sorry sweetheart. I have to go pay some bills." I frown and nod. "I love you and I will see you when I come to pick you up okay? Be good." She pats my head again and I nod biting my lip.
I sit and look at the floor as my mother leaves, Stephanie locks the door behind her and opens the blinds a little to get some sunlight in.
"Hello Zoe." She says softly as she takes the open seat next to me that my mother usually sits in. "How was your week?" She asks me quietly her pen in her hand. I nod once and look out the window.
"It was okay. How was yours?" I ask as I turn my attention to her again. Her big bluish green eyes were looking into my brown ones before I look down at the ground.
"My week was okay as well. Do anything interesting over the week?" I shake my head and keep my gaze on the floor. "Okay. Now, I know this is the first time that you are here without your mother. I want to talk to you about a few things if that's alright, hun." I nod and flicker my eyes over to her sitting up in my chair. "Alright. Do you know why your mom put you in here?" She asks a bit hesitantly.
"Yes...I do." I say softly, starting to play with my fingernails. She knew that it was a touchy subject for me, I don't know why she's even bringing it up. The last time she brought it up I ended up attacking her.
"Can you tell me why you think you're here?" She taps the pen on her chin and I watch her shaking my head. I don't want to relive that day! Neither do I want to talk about it. "Zoe, I'm not going to judge you."
"I don't want to talk about it. I just want my mother." I stand up from the chair and pull my phone out of my purse dialling my mothers number. Fuck this session, fuck Stephanie. I don't want to talk about it! She waves her hands and slowly takes my phone away. "Ugh! Please, I don't want to be here. I hate all of this. I don't want to talk about what happened." I say tears threatening to spill from my eyes.
"Your adoptive father touched you. He forced himself on you and raped you Zoe." She says almost quietly and I shake my head sinking back in my seat.
"Stop fucking saying that! No!'' I yell at her getting rather upset.
"Yes Zoe. It's been six years. You are going to face the facts."
"I don't want to! I don't want to..." I say softly wiping away my tears as I continue to keep crying. Stephanie puts her notepad down along with her pen, coming to the side of the chair and rubbing my arm. "I didn't want him to. I tried to get him to stop. He wouldn't listen. My virginity wasn't his to take." I say sucking in shaky breaths. She hands me some tissues and rubs my back comfortingly. "It was meant for someone I love. Someone I trust and he just stole it from me." I close my eyes and lean my head into her chest.
I just wanted to go home now. I don't want to talk to her anymore but I feel so relieved. So relieved that I got that off of my chest and I told her about it. She was the only one I had actually confessed myself to, the only one I had cried in front of about it. My mother didn't even know my true feelings about the situation but she could only imagine.
After the session with Stephanie yesterday, my mother and I had a talk about all of my issues and the things that happened to me with her new husband. Her new husband was so much better than her other. He always promised me that he would never even think to hurt me in that way and I believe him. He loves my mother so much and I am so glad she's met him. He is a blessing for her and myself. I still needed somewhat of a father figure and he was a very good one for me.
-
{For this part here in not sure if it's called jr. high school or middle school in the UK I mean I don't know why it wouldn't but then again I don't know if it would. That's what it's called here so that's what I am using for now when I find out, I will change it to what it is supposed to be}
Today is the first day of school for me. I'm actually really really nervous to start public school only because I really didn't know anyone. I knew that people from middle school would have their friends with them in high school but I didn't have friends. Everyone thought I was weird and judged me because I was the quiet one that sits on the back of the class and because my clothes weren't so new. Yeah, my mum wasn't the richest so we would go to thrift shops and get something's that I liked. I mean it's not like the clothes looked bad people just wouldn't expect me to go to school looking 'crappy'. I got bullied for the way I looked and how I acted so I got home schooled but now I was ready to go back.
After I get out of the shower, I put on eyeliner which is all that I would ever wear. I didn't want to have too much makeup on ever so that would be all that I wore when I wanted to bring out my eyes. I dry off and blow dry my hair before I pull on a pair of ripped skinny jeans and put on a royal blue tank top underneath my see through floral button up, tucking the loose fitting button up in my jeans. I slide on a pair of white converse and grab my book bag, making my way into the living room. I smile brightly at my mother and give her a hug from behind since she was sitting in the couch reading the paper.
"Morning, beautiful." I say smiling at her brightly as I kiss her cheek a few times. She laughs lightly and turns around in the chair giving me a hug. "Oh mom, you're going to kill me. Hugging me too tight!" I squeal laughing as I look over at her husband. "Hello." I wave to him and he smiles.
"Darlin, how are ya feelin? Excited?" My mother asks me and I shrug then nod. I was not even quite sure how I was feeling at the moment. I was happy and excited but I felt like I wanted to puke or fart from how nervous I was.
"I'll be alright if this day goes well." I tell her and exhale deeply. This was the day that everyone was going to take a look at you judge you maybe even talk to you. People you don't know judging you and looking at you. It scares me. "Well, I have to go don't want to miss the bus." I tell both of them and go over to her husband, giving him a hug and kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you guys after I come from school." I smile and wave to them.
I go outside and breath in the fresh air before exhaling. I wish and hope that today will go well. Lord please let this day go well.

Notes