All I Ever Wanted

(Leah’s POV)

I lay silently in the bed next to Harry, staring at the ceiling. Our previous activities of the evening had left us both more tired than before, but I still couldn’t sleep.

If only I’d tried making up with Emma before, instead of just staying mad at her. She would have had me to talk to about her long distance relationship and I could have talked her out of the party, or better yet, the party may have not even been an issue. If I would have been a better friend, none of this would have happened.

I cursed myself for always being so stubborn. I knew I should have been there for Emma, but since I wasn’t, she was in a mess of trouble.

Harry had been in and out of sleep. He must’ve known that I was still upset because he was usually in such a deep sleep that he would snore. Tonight, there were no snores. I felt him turn over to face me. He draped his arm around my waist.

“What’s wrong, baby? Tell me what’s keeping you awake.”

I rolled over onto my side so that we were facing one another. I grabbed the chain that hung around his neck and played with it as I began to tell him the parts of the story he didn't know yet.

“I’m a terrible friend. Emma and I used to talk one another out of stupid shit. I always took care of her when she got too drunk. This time, I was too busy being stubborn and wasn’t there for her. I could have talked her out of the party, or at least went with her to take her home after she’d had too many drinks. Now she’s losing Niall – the boy she’s crazy over - and I feel like it’s my fault.” I sighed, turning the chain between my fingers.

“Baby, you can’t carry the blame for this. If Emma knew you thought this was your fault, she’d kick your ass. I know it.” He grinned. “Look, she means a lot to you, so she means a lot to me, and I’m not trying to say she’s a bad person, but this is her fault. She could have not gone to the party. She knew it wasn't a good place to be when she was upset. She has to be responsible, but she wasn’t. Please, Leah. You know it’s not your fault. Don’t feel bad about something you had no control over.” He drew circles onto my bare skin with his fingers, relaxing me.

“Thank you.” I whispered.

“For what?”

“For always making sense and bringing me back out of my whirlwind thoughts. I get carried away, and you know how to calm me down.” I kissed the freckle next to his mouth, teasing him. He moaned, teasing me. I giggled. “Sing to me, baby.”

I snuggled into his neck as I heard him begin to sing. “Your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me…” I took a deep breath, inhaling every second of this perfect moment, and exhaling all of my fear and worries.

Harry makes everything better. He makes me better.

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Knock knock.

I stood outside of Ryan’s apartment, praying he was home. I’d tried calling him numerous times since I’d gotten back with Harry, but he would never answer the phone. This was the only way I knew how to talk to him.

It was our second day back in LA. Harry and the boys were here, getting ready for tomorrow’s show. The girlfriends had all flown back to London to get back to their busy schedules.The boys and I were staying at Harry’s new place. Harry had offered to come along with me, but I knew it’d be better if I spoke to Ryan alone.

The door swung open and Ryan’s eyes widened when he saw me.

“Oh, hey.” He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Uhh, come in, I guess.”

He moved to the side and I walked in, closing the door behind me. I sat on his couch as he fumbled around in the kitchen.

“Want something to drink, or something?” I could tell he was doing his best to put off talking to me.

“No, thanks. I just came by to talk.” I smiled.

“I figured.” He moved to a chair that was positioned next to the couch I was sitting on. “So, let’s talk.”

Ryan leaned his elbows on his knees and played with the ring on his finger, avoiding eye contact.

“Ryan, I’m so sorry. I should have been honest with you to begin with. I was never over Harry. And I pretended like I was because I wanted to love you and be with you. It just wasn’t there for me. I hope you can forgive me. I’m so sorry.” This time I was the one who was nervous as I waited for a response.

“Leah, I knew. After the third date I had it all figured out. The look in your eyes when you looked at me – it wasn’t the way a girl looks at a guy she likes. It was more like the way a girl looks when she’s wishing you were someone else. I guess I just knew you needed someone. You’d lost him and your friends; your family was miles away. I really do love you Leah – that’s why I stuck around. I knew you’d never love me the way I love you, but I just wanted you to know that someone did care.”

He stopped to look at me. I felt so small. I really didn’t know how terrible I’d been.

I didn’t mean to put him through that. I really did want to love him.

“When I dropped you off at the airport for Mexico, I figured you’d get back with him. I wanted to go with you to try and keep it from happening, but I couldn’t stop fate, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t keep you from loving him, and I sure as hell couldn’t make you love me. When you called me that first time and we talked, it made me think you might actually come back to me, but then I saw it on gossip tv – about how he sang some song to you on stage. I wanted to be mad Leah, but you were finally happy. So I couldn’t be mad. I saw the clip from the concert. The way you looked at him that night – you’ve never looked at me like that – not anywhere close. So am I hurt? Yeah. But I knew it would come to that and it’s my own fault for sticking around. Am I mad? No, because I was just a stepping stone to your happiness, and you were a stepping stone to mine. I love you and care about you, but I’m not the one to ride you off into the sunset and make all your dreams come true – he is. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy, Le. I forgive you.”

Tears filled my eyes.

How could he be so sweet about this?

Sadness filled my heart.

I wish I could have given him the love he deserved, but he was right – we were just stepping stones to each other’s happiness.

He stood up and held out his arms for a hug. I hugged him tight.

“Thank you, Ryan. You are the most genuine, sweetest person I’ve ever met. If you ever need anything, I’m always here for you.”

“Back at you, Leah.” I was overwhelmed with how well our meeting had gone. He’d completely understood what was going on with me.

He didn’t hate me.

I was practically skipping as I left his apartment.

"B-b-b-baby come on over. I don’t care if people find out!"

I rummaged through my purse for my phone as I rode the elevator down to the lobby in Ryan’s building.

“Hello?”

“Leah, thank God, you answered!”

“Emma, hey! What’s up?”

“I had a doctor’s appointment today. The doctor said that when I had blood work done so that I could leave the country, they sent it off for more tests to check on the baby. Apparently that’s something they always do. Well, the test came back, and they found date rape drugs in my system. Someone slipped something into my drink that night of the party, Leah – that’s why I literally can’t remember anything.” Emma sounded as if she'd been crying.

“Emma, oh my God. Are you serious? Does that affect the baby? What does it mean? Have you told Niall?” I had a million questions.

“The doctor said the baby should be fine. It means, if I knew who did it, I could take them to court, but since I can’t remember anything, there’s no chance of that happening. And I haven’t spoken to Niall since our argument in Mexico a few days ago. For all I know, he doesn’t even know where I am.” She sounded like she’d calmed down a bit. “I can do a paternal test in a few weeks – to see if the baby’s Niall’s or not.”

“Em, Harry told Niall where you went.” I hesitated. “So you are going to go ahead and take the paternity test, then?”

“Absolutely. I either need to cut Niall out of all this mess by proving it’s not his, or we need to work things out if it is his. I don’t want to fight with him anymore. So I’ll take the test and call him to let him know and see what he wants to do.”

Emma had stopped crying and I could hear determination in her voice.

“I’m doing better, Leah. This happened for a reason. I’m ready to meet this little one. No more sad tears, because however this baby came into the picture doesn’t matter. It’s from now on that counts, and from now on, he or she is going to have the best I can give.”

“She.” I stated.

“You don’t know, Leah!” Emma joked. “Well, I’ve got to go. Mom wants to go look at baby room decorations – even though we don’t know the gender.” She scoffed.

“Yes you do, buy all pink! Love you!” I laughed.

“Ha ha! Love you!” We hung up as I drove through the busy LA streets to make it back to Harry’s place.

-------------

“How did it go?” Harry ran to me as soon as he heard the door open.

“Well. It went really well. He’s just happy I’m happy. He’s not mad at all!” I beamed. Harry spun me around the foyer.

“I’m so happy, baby! Cause you know what it means?”

“What?”

“You’re officially mine again!” He kissed me.

“Babe, technically, I was never not yours. My heart was yours the whole time.” I kissed him this time.

“I love you, Leah.” He set me down and smacked my bum. “Now how about we cook some dinner?”

“Love you more. And okay. Fajitas it is, since that’s your specialty.” I wagged my eyebrows at him, causing him to grin.

We headed into the kitchen to make dinner. The rest of the boys were spread about the house, sleeping and playing video games. We all ate together. We goofed off and joked on one another, but Niall was still very quiet. He knew that Harry and I knew about the pregnancy – but nothing else. After dinner, Harry and I made the other boys do the dishes since we’d cooked.

“I think you should talk to him.” I traced Harry’s ship tattoo with my finger while we sat on the couch, watching tv.

“I tried on the beach the other day, but he blew it off. I need to try again, but I don’t know how.”

Worry lines appeared on Harry’s forehead.

“Haz, baby, you’re like his brother. If he can’t talk to you, who can he talk to? You’ve known him for years now. Just go for it. What’s the worst he could do?” I encouraged.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll find him when he’s done with the dishes.” Harry laughed and I rested my head on his shoulder. I just wanted Niall to know that Harry and I were here for him and Emma both.

Notes