All I Ever Wanted

“Baby, calm down. It’s okay. I’m right here. Talk to me.” Harry spoke into my hair as I sobbed.

He’d brought me into a private room and locked the door so that he could calm me down. He was just about the only one who could. He tilted my chin up with his index finger, but I couldn’t speak I was crying so hard. He kissed me. It wasn’t full of desire, but full of love, understanding, and comfort. I knew in that moment that even if everyone else in the world left me, I would be okay because I would have Harry, and he was all I’d ever need. Harry had sat me on a couch, but I had since crawled into his lap. He let me cry. He knew I needed to get it out before I’d be able to leave this room or talk to anyone. I had so many questions. But I couldn’t do anything but cry. Harry’s gaze jolted up as we heard a knock on the door.

“Go away!” Harry shouted.

His voice sounded angry, which sent me into another wave of sobs. I had caused division between him and his friends. As much as I needed him, I couldn’t ruin that for him.

“Harry, I’m so sorry.” I’d stifled my sobs enough to get out what I needed to.

“I never meant to cause division between you and the group. I only wanted to become a part of it. Please. Just go back in there to them. I’m fine.” I sat up and removed his hands from me, giving him the opportunity to go.

“Baby, what are you talking about?! You haven’t caused division between anyone. No one is having any problems except for Danielle. I would never leave you. You are my number one, you know that. Please stop talking nonsense.” Harry wrapped me up in his arms again. I looked in his eyes, searching for answers.

“What was she talking about – when you leave me to go on the European tour? And she said everyone talks behind my back about how I’m selfish, and I’m using you! Harry, you know I’m not using you! I love you!”

“Shhh, I know you love me baby. She’s just talking shit, because that’s how she feels. No one has said anything to me, but I’m going to find out how everyone feels, okay? And we were told this morning that you may not be on the European part of the tour. I thought you knew, and I didn’t want to bring it up in front of anyone. I was waiting until we got home to talk to you about it.” He massaged my back.

I felt more sobs coming.

How did my life go from perfect to hell in just a matter of hours?

We heard another knock at the door.

“Let… them… in” I managed to get out as more tears flooded down my cheeks.

“Harry, it’s me, Eleanor!” We heard a voice call out. Harry removed himself from me and went to open the door. Eleanor gave Harry a quick look full of angst and then hurried over to me on the couch.

“Oh, honey, are you okay?” She wiped the mascara out from under my eyes as she asked me. I shook my head no.

“Danielle didn’t mean it. She’s had a rough few months with dance and Liam, and a whole load of other things. Don’t worry. She’ll come around.” Eleanor tried to encourage me.

“El, where is everyone?” Harry walked over and sat on the other side of me.

“Liam, Danielle, Niall, and Emma left. I’m not sure where they were off to. But everyone else is still in the lounge – in shock.” She made a throaty noise. “No one can believe Danielle did this.”

“It’s not her fault. It’s mine.” I looked up. “I’m really sorry for messing things up in your group. I shouldn't have said anything and I definitely should have never gone out with you boys that night in LA and then I wouldn’t have drunkenly kissed Zayn.”

“If you’re putting it in that perspective, then this whole thing is my fault.” Harry wrapped his fingers around mine. “I’m the one who fucked with your feelings that night. I took you out, and brought another girl home. Danielle should not be putting all of this on you.” Harry’s jaw clenched and I saw the tension in his face, and the anger that flashed in his eyes.

“You know she just worries. This group of people has been her rock these past few months.” Eleanor explained. “You’re right, though. She got way too worked up.”

“Well, I need to go see Spencer and begin to get ready for my show. Thank you two, for everything. And again, I’m so sorry.” I stood up and tried to fix myself a little.

My hair was messy, my makeup smudged, and my eyes were red. I started out of the room.

“You don’t have to be sorry, love.” I heard Harry and Eleanor chime in unison. I turned to smile at them, and then headed out the door.

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I found Spencer in his “office” that he’d claimed while we did our eight shows at the O2. “Spencer, we need to talk about this whole tour thing.” My tone was sharp and he sensed my anger right away.

“I was going to tell you, Leah. I just hadn’t had the chance.” He gulped.

“The band who originally signed for this tour is back and ready to go. They still have a contract. But I’m sure we can find a way to convince management to keep you on tour for the European leg. They do want you for the American part of the tour though, so that’s good!”

“Look Spencer, this tour was a bad idea. I’m finishing up here and then I’m done.” I turned abruptly on my heel, leaving Spencer speechless, and going to get ready for my show.

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My show that night was the best one yet. I felt as if I’d had something to prove and I gave it everything I had. As I came off stage Harry greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. “So, I was thinking we could stop by the donut shop on the way home. Maybe pick up a movie too - anything to make you feel better!” He grinned.

“I’m fine.” I forced a smile. “I think I’m going to just go for a drive tonight. You don’t have to wait up, okay? I’ll see you in the morning. Have a good show.” I kissed him on his cheek and brushed past him and Eleanor, who was rushing to my side.

I hopped in the small car that I’d rented and I drove - all around London. Driving helped me to clear my head and I’d always wanted to see every bit of London, but had never really had the chance. As I drove, Danielle’s words echoed through my mind:

“Maybe if you wouldn’t come waltzing in here like you’re somebody … people wouldn’t talk behind your back!”

Were they really talking behind my back? Niall had been acting different, but I just figured it was because he was trying to get with Emma. El and Perrie were normal, but what if they’d been fooling me this whole time? What if they never liked me to begin with? Would they do that? No. They’re better people than that. Louis and Zayn acted fine. Liam’s always been quiet around me so I don’t even know if he was acting weird. Ugh. I only wanted to become a part of their group.

“You’re so caught up in what you want that you don’t even take a second to think how your little stunt in LA affected our whole group!”

I did think about it, and I was scared of how they’d react. I thought everyone was fine with it.

“I’m embarrassed for you!”

God, I’m an idiot, thinking I’d ever fit in with them. I was a stranger who’d already crossed the line.

“You need to think about all you’ve done before you go pointing fingers.”

You’re right, Danielle. I’m a fuck up.

“The day that you fuck with his feelings again will be soon … don’t act like this isn’t all a publicity stunt … Just leave him alone! He’s not the kind of person you screw over!”

That was all bullshit. I love Harry with everything I have and I want what’s best for him. But… maybe what’s best for him is me leaving. He needs his friends more than he needs me – whether he realizes it or not. She was right. I need to leave him alone. Damn, I don’t want to. It’ll crush the both of us... But he’ll be better off in the long run.

I began to cry again. I really just needed someone to talk to. I pulled the car over and pulled out my cell phone. I had to call the only person I felt I could rely on anymore – my mom.

“Hi mom, it’s me. I just really, really needed to talk. Call me please.” I left her a voicemail. It was late here, so it would have been early evening back home.

She was probably at her yoga class, or having dinner with friends. I pulled the car back onto the road. I had to go somewhere. I was tired of driving – tired of thinking. I passed a small bar and decided that a drink would help me calm down and push everything out of my mind. I walked in and ordered a beer and laid my head on the counter, face down, and let out a sigh.

“Rough night?” I heard a deep, familiar voice beside me.

“Worst night of my life.” I didn’t move, assuming the voice was just similar to another that I loved so much – I knew it couldn’t be him. He’d still be at the arena at this time, getting ready to head home, alone.

Shit, I was hurting him, just like Danielle guessed. I hate this. Why can’t I get away from this? I came in this bar to forget my problems and then a guy with the same deep voice as Harry’s tries to talk to me and makes me think about all of my problems all over again. Go away.

I heard a drink being set in front of me and I picked my beer up and chugged. It was very unlady-like, but I needed it. I needed to be numb.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, my night wasn’t so great either.” The voice next to me replied.

In my tired, depressed, almost tipsy stupor, I decided to look into the eyes of the stranger that wanted to make me feel better, and thank him - even if he did sound just like Harry when I was trying to forget. I turned to look at him, and to my surprise, it was the exact person I was trying to push out of my mind.

“Harry?! What the hell are you doing here? How’d you know where to find me?” I almost yelled.

“I couldn’t let you run off by yourself in the state you were in. I followed you.” He looked worried.

“Creep.” I smirked, letting my guard down for a brief second. “But, what about your show?!” I panicked. Here I go, causing more issues.

“You’re more important. Don’t worry, I sang the first song and then jetted out. The boys know my parts. It’s no big deal.”

“No big deal, Harry?! You do realize you just left thousands of fans who paid good money to see you – all because of me.” I looked down.

I’m the reason he’s doing this. I just need to leave so he can fix his relationship with his friends, and so he can give his attention to his fans.

“Harry, we need to talk.”

“No we don’t. Don’t you dare say those words.” Harry seemed as if he wanted to run, but he didn’t.

“Yes we do.” I put my hand on his knee as his face twisted with agony. He knew exactly where I was going with my speech. “I’m only causing you trouble. I’m so sorry, but you’re so much better off without me. Danielle was right. I’m getting a plane back home in the morning. I’ve got to sort things out and figure out my career. You need someone who can give you what you need – someone who can fit in with your friends and someone who won’t hurt you.”

“Leah, stop. You don’t even know what you’re saying. Please!” He objected, but I threw my money on the bar, kissed his cheek, and headed for the door before he could change my mind – which he could with just a flash of that smile, since I loved him so much. He must’ve been in shock because it took a second for him to follow me. “Wait, Leah!”

I hurried my gait and hopped into a taxi. I looked back to see him standing on the curb, staring hopelessly at the cab that was taking me away.

Danielle was right. He needs better. He needs a woman who won’t hurt him. Someone who can give him all he needs – someone other than me.

Notes