Pretend It's Ok

Being apart of the Sikh religion was a tad more difficult and complex than the Hindu aspect of life. I was considered somewhat the opposite of a Sikh - except for the fornication part; I'm still a virgin. The way I dressed, how I my lifestyle was and even things as small as cutting my own hair, was just a bit of it all. Nonetheless, my day was filled with a huge amount of spiritual blessings. My body felt lifted almost. I felt one with my roots.

For the first time in my life, I actually felt wanted.

My grand mother had woken me up after a three hour nap and told me that it had been time to get ready for the celebrations ahead. We were to go to the Golden Temple tonight. I, most importantly, wanted to go there to seek forgiveness and clear what was left of my mind. Tonight would be the night where the truth would come forth and my future would be in sight and hopefully in mind. I had trotted out of the bathroom after taking a quick shower. The warm air felt cool against my still wet legs. My hair dripped water all over the cream marble floor tiles and red designed rugs. After blow drying my hair, moisturizing my face and cleaning up the tiny I mess I made, I had sat on my bed to get dressed.

For this Diwali - to be honest, the first one I had celebrated in what felt like a century - I had chosen to go with something a bit more simple (seeing as I'm always dressed up 90 percent of the day everywhere else). I picked up the silky black sari and my hands taken aback by how beautifully the quote 'less is more' radiated off of the material. It was gorgeous. Beyond gorgeous.

I held the black silk in my hands amazed by the minor border detail in gold. I began to wrap the fabric around my waist then over my left shoulder. I tucked in what needed to be tucked in and pinned whatever was needed as well. I gazed at myself in the long full-length mirror astonished. My skin looked more whiter, more healthy, more radiant. I smiled widely at myself.

"Wow.", I grinned my dents revealing from each side.

I almost always see myself wearing saris but this time - this particular one - was different. I didn't know what it was about it, but it made me really believe that I was starting to find myself. If my smile could grow anymore, it would've fell off my face. Everything seemed perfect. Everything seemed okay. Everything seemed fine.

Everything was coming together after all.

I guess...







"Liam, what the fuck are you doing?", I said coughing out the water that I had drank. "Are you crazy?", I threw my head back on the couch where I had been sitting for the past few days.

I wasn't looking the slightest healthy nor was I caring. My mind wasn't in the right and neither was my soul. I drenched myself in alcohol and swam in my emotions. Everything was always a blur, but at this very moment I knew that Liam was in front of me and Liam was about to snake some information out of me. And knowing Liam well, he would succeed in the end.

Ever since Gharram left, my whole being shut down entirely. Everything felt wrong and something was missing from me. There had been a hole in my chest that needed to be filled. I just didn't want to have to search for it. I don't know why she had this effect on me, but she did. She truly did push me a little over the edge. My thoughts sprang to places I should be going. Strip clubs, clubs, alley ways to find some sort of entertainment.

And Brooke...

Brooke, I guess, gave up after barging into my apartment seeing me without all the cameras and lights. She walked in playing the 'worried girlfriend' card and squirmed her way to the obvious. After getting the hint that she wouldn't be wined and dined - and that I wasn't planning on leaving the flat anytime soon -, she hit me with 'I knew you had feelings for her' bullshit. In all honesty, I was kind of...ecstatic! That had been one huge weight on my shoulders that left effortlessly.

"Hello!!", I yelled at him angrily fisting the couch cushions. "I was watching that!", I screamed at him again.

"Shut the fuck up.", Liam calmly told me with his back turned unplugging the cord.

My eyebrows knit together this time in confusion, "What did you say?"

Liam barely cursed - only in two situations. Either he was 1- very angered by something or 2 - annoyed immensely. I didn't know which it was this time. As a matter of fact, I had know idea what his problem was at all. It seemed as though it would be both at this moment. I hit the jackpot tonight. Everything was a surprise with Liam. We never could figure him out.... or was it just me? Maybe that's why me and him got along on a more intellectual level than the rest of the lads. Me and him were complete opposites when it came to almost everything.

"I said...", he turned around with his arms folded over his chest. "...shut the fuck up."

"What th-...", he stopped me before I could finish.

Liam used hand gestures to add more emphasis on what he had been going on about. "What the fuck has gotten into you?", his voice stern yet calm. He furrowed his eyebrows in distraught, "What's going on in your life that's so bad that has hit you this hard?"

"It's none of your bus-...", he cut me off once more only raising my anger.

"BUSINESS?", Liam was at whole new heights with his voice. "IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS THAT MY BROTHER HAS PLUMMETED SO LOW, THAT HE HADN'T LEFT THE COUCH - IN THE VERY SAME SPOT, MIGHT I ADD - I HAD SEEN HIM IN THREE DAYS AGO? THAT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM? COMPLETELY OBVIOUS THAT ALL THESE EMPTY BEER BOTTLES IN FRONT OF HIM IS A CLEAR INDICATION THAT THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING WRONG?", his eyes breaking my walls slowly and surely to understand my distress.

"You don't..."

"I DON'T...I DON'T WHAT? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING? OF COURSE I DON'T, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME!", Liam grunted running his fingers through his hair in annoyance. "SO HOW CAN YOU BE SO QUICK TO DEFEND YOURSELF AND PUSH YOURSELF AWAY FROM ME - 'TELLING ME THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND' -," he used air quotations still screaming at me like a parent disciplining his child. "...WHEN I HAVEN'T THE CLUE AS TO WHY YOU'RE SO DAMN UPSET?"

My eyebrows were furrowed together as I looked at the wooden floor - where my feet and his have been planted. My heart was pounding against my rib cage begging to be freed. This was happening right now. Liam was yelling at me. He cared too much for others. Or maybe I was just being a depressed asshole to everyone so that they would just all disappear. Why couldn't he just leave me in my miserable state? To let me get over things the way I'm accustomed to?

But that was how Liam was.

He wasn't dubbed 'Daddy Payne' for nothing. He made sure all of our heads were balanced. No matter how hard it was for him to keep a smile on his face, he made sure all of ours were placed with genuine happiness. If there had been any situation, Liam was the one to talk to and the one to turn to. I just hated speaking my feelings. It was pointless sometimes. It would never change what I felt. I just learned to brush off things in due time and hide it all with performing or in my flat in my lonesome.

I stood my ground anyway. I didn't want to talk about anything. "Nothing...", I turned my face pursing my lips.

There was no point in brushing things off with Liam. He would continuously be persistent. Like I had predicted, Liam insisted that I spoke my mind with him.

"Harry...", his voice was more quieter this time - firm nonetheless. "I care for you, man. You haven't been right, you haven't eaten, you haven't moved, you had the TV on and haven't the clue as to what it is that you're watching."

"I am fully aware of my surroundings on what is on the bloody TV.", I played with my fingernails noticing they needed to be cut.

"Oh?", he crossed his arms on his chest. "So tell me about your new found interest in Peppa Pig."

He had a point. I grunted closing my eyes covering my face with my fists. "I...", I hesitated for a few minutes not knowing what to say or where to start. "It's nothing. Just give me the remote.", I engulfed myself in the blanket next to me. "Leave me alone.", my voice muffled under the thick fabric.

"No...", Liam came up to me and did what was expected. The cold air hit my body as soon as the blanket flew off me. "Tell me what the hell is wrong! Now!"

Anger filled my chest for no reason. Or maybe it had been because there had been a magazine next to the remote on the table. Maxim magazine to be specific. She had been on the cover of the issue as my eyes stayed fixated on it. Her red lips in a joyful grin, her eyes sparkling with bliss, her face reminding me of what lied in my heart. Was it anger? Was I angry at her? Was I angry at the timing? Or was it just to myself?

But why would I be angry at myself? That's when the real anger exited out of me and my face now reacting to my thoughts.

Gharram knew exactly how I felt. She knew what went on in my mind. She knew I had strong feeligs for her since day one of our friendship. I got rejected eveery single time. Regardless of how many times, she still kept our friendship the way it was. It didn't matter what happened between us, Gharram knew how to stay grounded. I admired her for not being awkward with me, but I just wish she would break her walls just a bit.

Why was it fair for her to just run away thousands of miles leaving me here to sink in our pool of misunderstandings? Our pool of confusion? Gharram never indicated anything at the airport. She never spoke. Thinking back at the airport made my blood boil in my veins. In the background, I could hear Liam scolding me again getting annoyed that I wasn't responding. That was only because I was thinking to myself.

His voice was really starting to eat at my skin. My heart rate picked up in annoyance. I could feel my fingers fold into a fist grabbing the couch cushions. My knuckles turned white from the pressure. His voice began to get on my nerves and my head was pounding from all the yelling he had been doing.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN YOUR MIND, HARRY?", his voice brought me back to reality. "TELL ME! TELL ME NOW!"

Right then...I cracked.

"I LOVE HER FOR FUCK'S SAKE'S!", I stood up yelling at the top of my lungs. "DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT? ARE YOU THAT BLIND? ARE YOU THAT BLIND TO REALITY, THAT YOU COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF?", I screamed with all my might. "DON'T YOU GET IT? GHARRAM ISN'T HERE! I LOVE HER AND SHE KNEW AND I...I CHASED AFTER HER LIKE A FOOL AND SHE LEFT ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING! I LOVE HER AND SHE KNEW AND SHE...SHE JUST LEAVES! WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.", I walked to the other side of the couch attempting to calm myself down.

Fail.

I ran my fingers through my messy curls and punched the wall, "FUCK! SHE'S ALL THAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND! WHY WOULD SHE JUST DO THAT? HOW SELFISH OF HER TO JUST....TO JUST FUCKING LEAVE. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HER. NEVER COULD FIGURE HER OUT, BUT NOW I'M JUST TIRED. I'VE TRIED AND TRIED AND TRIED EACH ATTEMPT ENDING IN DISASTER." I could see in Liam's eyes that he was taken aback by not only my body language, but the high octaves my voice could reach. "THEN WHEN I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I MIGHT HAVE SOMEONE THAT CAN MAKE ME HAPPY, IT FALLS FROM MY HANDS AND CRUSHES SLOWLY. I FUCKED UP. I KNOW I DID. I FUCKED UP AND FORGOT ABOUT HER BIG NIGHT. BUT DON'T I DESERVE SOME SORT OF CHANCE TO EXPLAIN? TO MAKE HER UNDERSTAND MY SIDE? MY POINT OF VIEW?", I held my chest catching my breath. "Fuck."

Liam looked at me with a smirk. I knew what he was doing. This was so one of his various tactics. He just always had a way with people - particularly us four. He nodded his head smiling triumphantly. He sat down on the reclining chair chuckling, "That's all I wanted to know..."

"God, Liam, what do I do?", I walked towards him falling on the couch without a care. I grabbed a beer bottle in front of me and it had been empty to my dismay. "I don't know what else to do..."

"You do nothing.", Liam said resting his elbows on his thighs gazing at me with concern. "You've done all you could. She knows how you feel.", he clasped his hands together. "You've shown her time and time again. Gharram will figure it out on her own and she will be at your doorstep.", Liam spoke with confidence leaning back into the chair resting his head against it.

"How are you so sure?", I asked sighing in uncertainty. I've been doubting life itself all because of her. It had all been overwhelming - more than that. Gharram was unpredictable especially when it came to her feelings. You never knew what to expect with her. She was like a lottery - if you won you won, but if you lost...you lost more than just a game of money.

"Because I just know.", Liam said closing his eyes inhaling sharply. "I just...know."







Upon walking in I took off my shoes and washed my feet - even though they had been cleaned already, standard procedure. Many people were present praying and washing their feet as well behind me. I placed my veil on my head as a sign of respect. I could feel the energy radiating off of everyone here. I gazed at the marvelous sight of the main event. The Golden Temple surely did take its name from its looks. The gold from the medium-sized structure glittered even in the darkest of night. The color and shine had me in awe where I stood.

The lights were blinding, the smell of the lamps were in the air and I felt the warm breeze make its way down my back. Hearing some prayers near and far from me at the temple, put me in a good place. I felt as though everything in me was aligned and balanced. My chest was filled with anguish though. I pressed my hands together readying myself for a prayer.

I looked up at the dark night sky. The stars glistened and twinkled brightly. The diyas made the ambiance of it all more spiritual. I enjoyed being here very much.

I seen many people stand in the water praying for whatever their hearts had desired. I watched in amazement wondering what it was that I had so desperately yearned for. I had everything set in my life. I had an amazing job, a trustworthy friend, amazing parents, my life was getting back on track with faith... What else could I need? Alas, there was always that one emptiness that could never be filled.

Him. Was it that I needed a companion in my life? Did I really need to have that significant other? As much as I didn't want to admit it - and trust me, I didn't -, I did need a him. I was a rookie at the whole praying in a spiritual facility. I hadn't the clue as to what to do or say...or how to begin that is.

I spectated and learned from everyone around me. Submerging their bodies half way into the clear waters of the Golden Temple. I followed along doing as they did.

I felt the warmth of the water get in between my toes and up my calves. I shivered slightly adjusting to the feeling. I kept my veil in place making sure that it didn't slip off my head. I clapped my hands together once more beginning for prayer. How does one begin praying for 'the one' anyhow?

"Namaste...", I giggled quietly with my eyes closed speaking in Hindi. "I don't know where to start nor do I know if I'm doing this right, but what prayer is wrong anyways...right?", I chuckled at my stupidity at making light jokes. I sighed letting out what was left of my frustrations and thankfully they had disintegrated with a flash. "I've been...lonely. I'm pretty sure you could tell.", I cleared my throat. "I don't know what or who to rely on anymore. For a while, I have been doing the wrong things thinking that I was right - which I don't doubt that you aren't aware of that already...?", I quirked my eyebrows continuing on.

"I just wish...", I stopped myself closing my eyes feeling tears brimming my waterline and the lump in the back of my throat form. "I just pray that you show me some sort of sign on what will lead me to a brighter future than this. The lights around me are getting dimmer and dimmer as the days pass.", my voice cracked as my emotions took over me. "I just need someone to save me from the darkness.", a single tear rolled down my cheek as a shudder of breath escaped my mouth. "Please..."

I exhaled bowing my head. I opened my eyes staring into the holy waters below me. It felt nice having the warm waters in between my toes. I felt at ease here. I closed my eyes taking in a deep breath and opened them exhaling. My heart jumped. I couldn't believe my eyes.

In the water, I had seen a faint reflection of his face. I blinked my eyes once more; maybe I was seeing things. The dark plays tricks a lot. My eyebrows knitted together seeing the face of the green-eyed, curly-haired boy that I had known for so long. That I had shut out of my life completely and left without so much as saying good bye or informing him in the first place. My heart clenched. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. Why was this happening to me? I shook my head feeling my eyes rim even more with the salty droplets. I lifted the veil on me even more so that no one had noticed what was going on.

I quickly got out of the water without trying to make some sort of scene or sense of it. I just needed to walk a bit; maybe it would get my mind off of this hellucination. I started my walk swallowing what felt like a boulder. I shook off what I had witnessed and thunk happy thoughts. My grand mother, her food, her mansion and this beautiful weather; it was all so very nice. I stared at the sky enjoying the view of a clear night sky and then seen a spec of green particularly more vibrant than the rest of the stars in the sky. I blinked twice seeing another one beside it. And before I knew it, I could see him in the stars. I seen Harry yet again. I had reached the mental state of insanity.

What had gotten into me? Was I really that messed up in there?

I shook my head again, exhaling the bad energy from my body and continuing my walk hearing the distant prayer of the visitors - my grandmother being one of them. I smiled at her voice. It could be heard from miles away. She always did have a marvelous tone in her voice. I glanced at the decorations around me. The temple was covered in LED lights from the roofs to the steps. My eyes darted to one of the steps and noticed that a diya hadn't been lit. I walked over knealing and holding onto my sari veil. I bent towards the lonely lamp and lit it up using another lamp.

"There...better...", I whispered to myself placing it back in it's spot with a grin.
My grin slowly faded again. "Seriously...", I spoke aloud as his face etched itself in the fire before me.

Things were getting weirder by the second. Maybe it had been time go home and catch some sleep. Jet lag had really taken a tole on me. I left the temple hurriedly not looking back. I was in fear of seeing his face yet again. Or was it fear beacuse I wanted to see his face again? Whatever it was, I just knew that I had to leave the premisis quickly. I hadn't even hesitated catching cab either. Up the hill, I walked not glancing back. My mind was racing and all I wanted to do was leave. I couldn't handle this all at once.

Not here. Not now.

"Hi...", a familiar, deep, husky voice echoed in the still air. My eyes widened and teared - as soon as the voice seeped into my ears - dangerously.

My heart was at my throat, I couldn't breathe and I was lost for words - not being able to make a sound. My palms began to sweat as the pace of my heart quickened. The voice that I had yearned for even if I never would admit to it out loud had me at a stand still. I turned my head slowly seeing only to be disappointed. No one had been behind me. Was I just dreaming? Was I delusional?

"It's Harry, from One Direction, and you're listening to....", the sound of the radio faded away when I noticed that it had been some of the village kids playing around with their parents' radio.

I released the air that had been kept in my chest for what seemed like five minutes. The beat of my heart slowed down as I felt in the pit of stomach. My tears fell fast and violently down my cheeks. I couldn't feel my face. I couldn't feel a thing at all. My feet wouldn't move from where I stood, my eyes stayed fixated on the ground and the air hit the front of me knocking my veil off my head. I grabbed my chest feeling my insides crush instantly. The effect his voice had on me was unlike any other.

It was abnormal.

I froze in front of the gates of my grandfather's villa, not paying attention to anything around me. I then realized something. Life was changing, but not how I expected it to. Nothing went my way. Nothing went how I planned and nothing...nothing was going to be the same after today.

Running away, this time, wasn't an option anymore. Running away wasn't going to solve this one predicament. Running away from these 'signs', are pointless. I was being presented with vital signs. It was time for me to run in the opposite direction.

It was time to run back to London.

Notes