Just as Much

Spinning. Running. That's all I've felt this past week. Spinning and Running. If I'm not spinning, I'm running. If I'm not running I'm spinning. Today is the day. Thee day. And all I want to do is run away.

I've been spinning in circles answering this question and that question, running from here to there to check on everything and make sure it's looking good. Its exhausting. Extremely exhausting. What's suppose to be fun and thrilling is full of plans and ideas as to what we can do if something goes wrong. Why should I even care if something goes wrong? I'm marrying the love of everything, love of my life, someone who I never thought I could spend the rest of my life with. And here I am. Sitting in a beautiful dress. With over 300 people waiting for me to walk down the isle and I just want to find him and run away.

I've been a perfectionist my whole life. But even this is too much. The pressure of getting married, having a wedding that will be publicized and criticized to extreme amounts you want it to be perfect so you obsess over everything but you can't predict everything. Their will always be someone who doesn't like something, who thought it was too grant, who thought it was too simple, my wedding will be picked apart like the ugly stepsisters do to Cinderella's beautiful pink dress. People will find pictures of pieces of our events and they'll be taken out of context, they'll make up whole stories about it. I shake my head as I once again fidget with my hands, messing with my fingers.

I couldn't predict that Allison, my maid of honor, woke up hungover from her drunken raid at the rehearsal. I guess she's feeling the pressure too. Except when she misses her morning hair appointment, it's on me to try to squeeze her in at another time because Victoria, our wedding planner, is dealing with something else at the ceremony center. Victoria is like a walking stress ball. I don't think I've ever seen her smile.

Thankfully Allison just needed an extra hour of sleep and she's fine. Needed a little more makeup than usual but she's golden now. And then theirs Kristen. The woman whose married to my favorite cousin, the woman who helped me survive New York City. The woman expecting her first baby in four months and is still throwing up every three hours. She feels miserable, and Niall wants us to have a baby as soon as possible? Hell no. I don't want to spend my days worshiping the porcelain god.

I have just too much going through my brain. Running. And spinning. I just want to sink to the floor.

“Hey!” The photographer is ready for you and Niall now.” Kristen finds me behind the door to the bathroom in the basement, pacing back and forth. I ignore her. “Erica.” She calls again and I catch her face slightly, showing some concern. I'll forever be jealous of her wedding to Heath. Small, quiet, hell, it was in the middle of a forest. We sat on trees that had fallen over in the storm. She put white pieces on them to make them stand out. She had a simple dress and a flower crown. It was just her, Heath, and about ten other people. He wore tan pants, the kind you can get at Target, and a white shirt. It was simple, clean, a beautiful show of their love.

It's not that I hate our wedding, that's far from my head thoughts. I just want to marry Niall. He's it for me. We started it being simple, but because I'm marrying Mr. Popular it grew out of control quickly. But I'll still marry Niall. And I have this beautiful dress on. I feel like a princess. He makes me feel like a princess. Even in sweatpants.

“Erica.” I forgot that Kristen was even here, just thoughts running in my head again.

“Oh, yeah. What's up?” I calm taking a deep breath and trying to rub my sweaty palms against each other to make them dry. I don't want to rub them on my dress, it would be my luck that they would have invisible dirt on them and it would stain my dress. I roll my eyes at my thoughts and try to take more deep breaths. Something Harry has taught me here recently since his adventures in yoga and Pilates.

“Are you okay? I've been calling you for a while.” She asks with concern on her face.

“Yeah I'm fine. What did you say? What did you want?” I fake a smile. I just want to see Niall. Honestly. He left earlier then myself so I could finish up the semester and its like we haven't spent any time together alone since I've arrived. Its like, go to this appointment, meet with these people, shop at this store, entertain these people. Spinning.

“I said.” She pauses to study my facial expressions. Even if I don't see her as much as I would like, she's very intuitive. She can read body language very well. And I hate her for that. She shakes her head. “I said, the photographer is ready for you and Niall.”

I shake my head almost violently.

“No. I specifically said that I don't want to see Niall until the ceremony. We want that to be our moment. And our own pictures after the ceremony.” I talk expressively with my hands, angry at myself almost. Why can't people follow the schedule I wanted? It's not that difficult. Niall and I want pictures after, why is everything falling apart? Breathe Erica. I take a deep breath in and let it out, slowly.

“It's okay Erica. I'll go tell him. Everything will be fine.” She grabs my hand and and squeezes it, trying to calm me down. “This is your day Erica. Its just for you and Niall, relax. If you don't like something, tell someone.” She says the words simply, I just want it to be simple. It is simple, I shake my head at myself and my running thoughts.

“Thank you.” I look up to the light to stop myself from freaking out even more, to stop tears coming from nowhere. What is wrong with me? I'm never like this. You would think I have to walk on stage and give a speech to over a million people, naked. I'm marrying my best friend. I shrug and look at the mirror. I haven't messed up my makeup at least, it took hours to look like this I swear. I wish I had make-up talent.

“Are you sure you're all right?” Kristen asks again, slowly coming behind me in the mirror.

“I'm just nervous.” I say, finally admitting this anxious feeling.

“Nervous to get married?” She probes. Damn her and her interest in me.

“No, I want to marry Niall. I do. I just haven't seen him in forever, or had a moment with him to myself. He keeps me grounded, I feel so far above the ground right now that I can't even see it. I just want to speak with him. But we've already decided to not see each other until the ceremony.” I start to tear up and again look at the light to stop myself. It's dumb. This is what I'm upset about, not being able to see Niall.

“I'll figure something out.” Her eyes light up and it makes me wonder what she's thinking about. “I'll be right back.” She squeezes my shoulder and rushes away to carry out her plan that I know nothing about, it would almost make me anxious but I don't think I can be any more anxious. She leaves me to create a hole in the carpet as I continue to pace back and forth.

Notes

Hello to all the amazing people who are reading. I'm still around. Lurking more than anything. With @not_any_maryjane's assistance I've decided to write a few one shots on this story as Niall and Erica are my all time favorite couple I've written. I know I've left you all hanging on Nothing Without Love but my ambition on that story just hasn't returned. I promise, I'm thinking about it constantly and I don't like to not put an ending on it but it will come eventually.

Hopefully you all enjoy part one, I'll be posting part to here shortly. Happy Sunday.

xoxox