Just as Much

Erica's POV

We split at the Dublin airport. It's been such a long day already but I still have to catch a flight to Manchester and Niall still has to drive home to Mullingar. I know the word is out that he's arrived so I can only imagine how much of a nightmare is waiting for him at the airport gate.

We parted quickly, security picking him up and they always seem to usher him along. Can't stay in one place too long is what they all say. We talked about plans for New Years briefly as I'll be back in London by then but we never really talked about all of it.

I'm nervous to see my mom. I haven't been posting on twitter but I know that Niall and I are all over it, my followers have gone up like crazy and I just don't know what to do about it. I've decided that Niall will be making the announcement, I'm staying out of it. I don't like the glitz and glamor of his life. But I know my mom will.

My flight is just an hour, so by the time I've settled, it's time for our descent in Manchester. I can't help but bounce me feet along. Thankfully because of the time the flight isn't so crowded. Then once I arrive I'm renting a car that I'll drive to Sheffield. So I'll add another hour and a half to get there. By the time this day is done I'll be beyond exhausted. I already am exhausted.

The landing and check in for my rental car was easy enough. I only waited mere minutes for my bags and then I was the only one in line to rent my car. It was small. Hardly big enough to fit my two oversized bags but it worked, my legs helped me cram them in the backseat. It's times like this that I wish my grandparents still lived in East London.

It's past midnight when I finally arrive in Sheffield. I talked to Niall for just a few minutes, he was busy being welcomed home by his family so I didn't want to interrupt his time with them. It's always too short anyway. I just needed to stay awake.

I park in front of my grandparents house and sit in the silence. Just their porch light is on and I just decide to grab my smaller bag, it has a change of clothes, pajamas, and my bathroom things in it so I don't need anything else at the moment. I fiddle for my keys and grab the one that is hardly used, my grandparents house key. I'm grateful they have no dogs, I can enter the house quietly and slip my shoes off. A quick listen and I know no one is up at this hour, I peek into the living room to see the tree all lit up, presents strewn about, stockings hung up on the mantle. I slip my jacket off and sit on the couch, pulling the blanket off from the back of it and wrapping it around myself. I send a good night text to Niall and finally close my eyes.

“Good morning sweet pea.” I open my eyes to find my grandfather dressed in his usual Sunday pajamas, two coffee mugs filled with tea in each hand.

“Morning Grandfather.” I sit up and take one of the cups of tea from his hand.

“How was the flight and drive? I didn't even hear you come in.” I sits down on the chair next to mine. I forget how much I've missed him.

“It was good, long.” I sip my tea and look around.

“I see you have a new love interest?” He teases me. “Well, the whole world sees.” I can't help but roll my eyes.

“Of course they know. Does mom know?” I ask, hiding my face from him with my cup.

“Yes.” He takes a deep breath and looks away. They all know about my mom and Simon and they don't approve. I'm anxious to hear what they'll say about me and Niall. “We like Niall, Erica. As long as he doesn't try to hide you and keep you in the wings. You're a smart girl, don't fall for a trap.” He pats my knee and stands to find the remote to the tv.

“Erica!” My mom yells from the top of the stairs, I can hear her running down the steps. I don't even have time to think before she pulls me in for a massive hug. “Oh I've missed my favorite daughter.” She speaks into my shoulder and I wrap my arms around her, chuckling slightly because I'm her only daughter.

“Hi mom. I've missed you too.” She lets me go and brings me back for another hug. “So, tell me all about you and Niall.” She readjusts her bathrobe and sits down on the couch, patting a spot for me.

“Mom, I don't want to talk about that. It's not important.” I stand in the doorway of the living room. Of course that's the first thing my mom asks me.

“Oh come one Erica, humor your mother.” She pats the seat again and motions for me to come along again.

“Fine. Niall likes me, I like him. We're dating now. Is that good enough?” I'm sarcastic, angry with the fact that this is what she wants to discuss. Not my last week of my internship, not my time with Heath, not about New York at all, all about Niall.

“I just want you to be happy Erica. No need to take that tone with me.”

“I am happy mom. With or without Niall I did a lot while in New York and you hardly know any of it!” I cross my arms and stand defensively.

“That is no way to talk to your mother Erica.” She now stands and faces me, the couch still in between us.

“Well them, I'll be seeing you later.” I turn on my heals, grab my keys and head out the door. I haven't even seen my grandmother yet. I just want to drive all the way back to London, right now. I don't even have a place to go but I want to just get the hell out of here.

I sit in my rental car for close to ten minutes before my grandmother knocks on the window. I'm glad it's not my mom. She's the last person I want to see right now.

“Well that's one hell of a way to start Christmas.” She gets in my car and I can't help but laugh. “Hi Erica.” She hugs me from across the console.

“Hi Grandma. I'm sorry but I just can't stand her when she brings all that up.” I look out the window, avoiding her gaze.

“I know, but Erica, there are a lot of things you don't know about your mother. You two just need to talk. You need both have things you need to say to each other.” I roll my eyes.

“I've tried to talk to her. I don't want to hear what she has to say anymore.”

“Just try Erica. It's long overdue. I'd hate for you two to stop talking just for a stupid reason.” I should take it from her. My grandmother and her sister didn't talk for four years because of a misunderstanding. And even though they did patch things up, grandma always says she regrets the whole thing to this day.

“Fine.” I let out a huff. I don't want to talk to her but I guess for the spirit of Christmas.

“I'll send her out.” She hugs me again. “I'm proud of you Erica.” I sit in the car, moving my feet to invisible music, a nervous twitch I guess. I see my mom, walking out of the house, looking down, I can see she's been crying, always a bit oversensitive. I try to calm my mind, I don't want to jump on her but she just knows how to push my buttons. She carefully opens the door to my car and sits in. We both stare out the front, not saying a word until she breaks the silence.

“I wasn't always like this.” I look over at her as she fiddles with her jumper, avoiding my eyes. “I was so broken when your father died. You were young, you probably don't remember. I would drop you off at school and just go sit at the cemetery for hours and just talk to him. I fell in love with your dad in an instant. It was like the movies. I remember what I was wearing when I first saw him. It was a hideous outfit but your dad would always say it was gorgeous.” She laughs at the memory and I take time to really study her. She just looks so tired. “I couldn't take it anymore. The house reminded me of him, you know we were together for ten years before you came along. That house was just him and I for the longest time. He was everywhere, bathroom fixtures, the kitchen floor, the front door, the paint we picked all those things out together. I still remember when the police came to our house that morning to tell us about your dad, it's almost like I knew something was seriously wrong. They knocked on the door, I was getting ready for work and you were still sleeping. When I came around the corner and saw that car waiting my heart just fell. I just slid down the wall, silently holding myself back.”

I don't say anything. I don't remember any of this.

“I was pregnant when your dad died.” I gasp and look up at her. I didn't know any of this. “I wasn't far along. I had just told your father the night before, that's why he was going to the gym that early, he was so excited he couldn't sleep that night. He loved you so much. We waited so long for you we just couldn't believe it was happening again.” She bites her lip and looks away, holding back tears as her chin starts to tremble. “The stress from your father's death was too much for me, I lost the baby three weeks after he died.”

I grab her hand and hold it. I can be mad at my mom but I honestly had no idea of the pain she went through.

“It's okay. I promise.” She fakes a smile and wipes her tears away. “When I moved here, Simon was the first person to give me any sort of attention like your father did. I had a bit of a crush on him in high school so I thought the feelings just fell back. I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror anymore. A part of me was always missing, your father was that part. He loved everything about me so I thought dyed my hair lighter, got lip injections, went tanning, got my boobs done. I started getting more attention from men, I was just searching for the kind of attention I got from your father. I never wanted that, when I was with your dad I never had those insecurities. I know I'll never have that love like I had with your dad again. I'm just in a desperate search to find it again.” She shrugs her shoulders.

“I'm sorry I keep bringing Niall up. When I saw your pictures, I just see they way he looks at you and I know he's hooked, I've known it for a while. That's how your dad looked at me. I just want you to be happy Erica. This life is hard and it's not fair. Sometimes when you think you have what you want, it gets taken away easily, too easily. Niall is a good kid. I just want you to cherish every minute you have with him. Your dad always used to always tell me that 'It's always been you.' I just want you to have that joy and that love that I had for your father. Life is so much better when you have that love to share with someone.” She rubs her eyes again, pulling tears away.

“I'm sorry mom. I just thought that's all you wanted to focus on.” I turn to face her, a little difficult in a small car.

“That's because that's all I focus on. I search so hard to find that love again that I had with your dad. I just want everyone to have that love. I want you to have that feeling that I would wake up to every day. God, when you were born, Erica, it was just us three. Nothing could stop us. Your dad would hold you for hours, swaying back and forth with you, singing to you, always coming up with these crazy ideas of things to do. I wish every day that he was here to see how much of an amazing person you have become. I'm so proud of you. Every day I can't believe that you are my daughter.”

I'm suddenly glad that I listened to my grandmother. I knew my mom harbored pain from my fathers sudden death but I never knew it was so deep, and I never knew it had lasted this long.

“I love you mom.” I hug her and she lets out a huge breath. Like she's been holding it in for years.

“I love you too. Please come back inside, tell me about everything.” She squeezes me shoulder and I nod. Maybe this will be a good Christmas after all.

Notes

Hey Everyone!!

So I know this doesn't have any Niall and Erica in it but I felt like it was an important chapter to see Erica and her mom, Rachel, finally understand each other or at least listen to each other. Let me know what you think!

Thank you all so much for being amazing!

xoxox