Just as Much

Niall's POV


I haven't slept all night. Its not that I'm not tired, I just don't want this moment to end. Two years of a crush, more than a crush on Erica and we kissed. It was nothing like I thought it would be, it was more.



When I heard her walk down the hall I waited for her to come back, thinking she was just going to get water but when she didn't return I wanted to see what she was doing. I was devastated when she told me she was leaving early, I still am devastated. I feel like with the tour, I didn't have enough time to be around her, like I never have enough time to be around her. It's all I want, just to be around her.



Spotting her look at the nights sky, she just looked so peaceful. It's crazy how we can just sit together, not say a word, yet still be comfortable with one another. We don't have to speak to communicate. I've known so much about her just by observation, as creepy as that sounds. I wish this moment with Erica sleeping on my chest could last forever.



I'm a guy, I don't gush about kissing, I've kissed plenty of girls in my life but that kiss with Erica was something I didn't expect. I've never really kissed someone and craved for more like that. It's like eating your favorite candy for the first time, lips just exploding with a mere touch.



When she asked me to stay, I couldn't refuse, I could read from her face that we wouldn't progress past the kiss as much as I wanted to but just wanted to be near her. Feeling the weight of her against me, her body heat, watching her chest rise and fall, she's like a book to be studied. And I want to read every line, word for word.



But she's leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow she will be exposed to a life she's never known, and with that comes changes. What if she doesn't want anything more with me? What if she wants a normal life? She'll never have normal with me. Even if we try, she'll always get criticized by someone, I'll always be leaving her to do this or that, I won't spend every night wrapped around her. She needs someone like that. She deserves someone like that. I know this can never be. I can't do this to her, I can't have her wait for me all the time, I can't be selfish with Erica, she's special, a treat in this foul world. I look at the clock and see its a little past six am.



We've only been here for two hours but it feels like minutes with her. My breathing slows when Erica moans In her sleep, I can feel myself respond to her guttural sounds. God I just want this. She shifts, rolling off of me and into her side. Her back outlined in her flimsy tank top. I could never live with myself if I broke her heart. I can't break her heart if she never falls in love with me.



I rub my eyes, exhausted from the lack of sleep but force myself to make a choice.
If I get up now, I don't have to say goodbye, we don't have to talk about the kiss. I don't want to say goodbye. I gently pull Erica's hair away from her shoulder and kiss her neck for what feels like the last time. "Bye Erica. Don't forget me. I'm so sorry." I whisper in her ear. I pinch the bridge of my nose and force myself to get up.



I return to my room with a heavy heart and make my bed quick, pulling out clothes to change into, not bothering to shower. I hate what I'm doing. I write a shit note to her, making up some lie I know she'll see right through but I have to get out. I take off before even know where I'm going, my hands and feet just guide me there. To Liam's. He understands heartbreak and love. What he had with Danielle, what he has with Sophia, that something to admire.



I don't even text him to let him know of my arrival, I'm at his house just a little before seven, I'm sure he's still sleeping but I nee help. I jump out and start pounding on his door, hoping to wake him. I keep pounding till the door pulls open quickly and a pissed off sleepy Liam is looking back at me.



"Jesus Christ Niall, what the fuck are you doing, do you know what time it is?" I push past him and walk into the house pacing back and forth.



"I just messed everything up." I mutter to myself over and over again, running my fingers through my hair.



"Niall." Liam puts his hand out to try and calm me. "What did you mess up?" He looks at me cautiously.



"Liam, what's going on?" A sleep Sophia comes down the steps, ruffling her messy hair. "Oh hey, Niall." She stops at first, fiddling with the hem of her shirt until Liam opens his arms arms to her and she quickly walks to him, resting her head on his shoulders.



"Erica and I kissed." I tell him in one breath, quickly as if hoping they didn't hear. But when I see their faces, I know they heard.



"Excuse me?" His eyes wide. "Erica? Your Erica? The Erica that's leaving today?" His confusion doesn't help my nerves at all, still pacing back and forth.



"Niall." Sophia's voice makes me stop. "Relax. Tell us what happened." Of course they all know about my infatuation with her, these guys cant keep a secret for the life of them.



"I-I-we couldn't sleep last night. She couldn't and she went to the patio to look at the stars, then I came out and we just looked at the sky together. We talked a bit then she started falling asleep so I had her go to bed and we hugged at the end of the hall, I pulled away and she kissed me. Then I kissed her, we made out in the hallway. Then we cuddled for the rest of the night in her bed." I explain.



"So what's the problem?" Liam asks confused.



"I fucked up." I mutter.



"I'm sure you didn't, what happened?" Sophia asked.



"I started having all these second thoughts, being gone all the time, the crazy fans, how she needs someone around all the time, so she turned around and I-i left." I mutter, turning my head away from them.



"You left?" Sophia speaks up. "As in you didn't say goodbye? As in you left her sleeping?" Sophia sounds a bit angry as Liam tries to calm her down. I didn't think about Sophia being here, I need a girls opinion eventually but i didn't need one just yet.



"I got confused!" I defend myself, even if I sound stupid.



"How do you think she's going to feel when she wakes up alone!" Well Sophia is for sure not agreeing with what i did. I'm not agreeing with what i did.



"Babe. Relax." Liam pulls her back to him.



"No, don't tell me to relax Liam. What you did was unfair Niall. Erica is a good person, she's put up with all of your shit for years and still sticks around. You've liked her for years!" I look at Liam wondering why he told her. "Everyone knows you do Niall." She brushes me off. "She's going to wake up alone thinking you thought last night was mistake, she's going to be so embarrassed. She finally put herself out there, you kissed her back and now, nothing." I'm feeling worse now, not knowing what to say. Sophia is usually shy so being brass like this is catching me off guard. She pulls away from Liam.



"Soph where are going?" Liam calls after her.



"I can't stay here and listen to the rest of your story Niall, I sorry but I just can't listen anymore." She kisses Liam on the cheek and then rushes up the steps.



"Is it that bad?" I turn to Liam who hasn't said much of anything.



"It's pretty bad mate." Liam shakes his head, confirming my fear. I let out all the air in my lungs, flopping myself down on the couch.



"What am I going to do Liam?" I cover my face in frustration. "Go back home, bring some breakfast and surprise her. Talk to her." He sits next to me and pats my thigh.



"I can't! I can't talk about my feelings. I don't know how to put it in words." I sit up but lean back.



"Try. You can write songs, you can tell Erica how you feel." He pats me on the back, disappearing and returning with a yellow pad and pen, dropping it on the table in front of me.



"I'm sorry about Sophia. I didn't mean to make her upset." I'm just glum. Angry at myself.



"Don't worry about it. She just likes Erica, I mean she's one of the only people who was so welcoming to her when I brought her around. It hasn't been easy to be my girlfriend. Erica was always pulling her into conversation and making sure she was included, she has a soft spot for her." He explains. Erica's good nature does that to people. "I'll leave you to it."



Liam leaves me in my crazed mental state as I just start scribbling down words, no complete sentences, no stricture, just words and thoughts. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I see it's from Allison. I've been wrapped up so much in writing that I've lost track of time. I quickly read and my heart falls.



From Allison:
You fucked up. Big time.



I read it over and over again. It's already noon, I know her flight leaves at 12:40. I rip the pages out of the notebook and rush out, not even saying goodbye to Liam and Sophia.



I arrive at home and rush in, running to Erica's room. Nothing, bed made to perfection. I start pulling drawers, empty. I rush into the bathroom, all of her things are gone, even the trash is taken out. I feel myself start to break. I blew it. I feel my eyes well up as I walk back to the bedroom and fall on the bed. I smell fresh sheets, I can't even smell her anymore. It's like she was never even here.



"Hello!" I hear Louis call out as I quickly try to wipe my eyes. I can hear him getting closer as I remain silent and lay on the bed. "Niall." He sees me and I know my eyes are red. "I spoke with Liam." He comes closer and sits on the bed.



"Oh, great, here to make fun of me then?" I roll my eyes, just waiting for the teasing to commence.



"I wouldn't make fun of you about something like this Niall, come on." He explains, falling back on the bed. "I'm just here to be your friend."



I purse my lips as we lay on the bed. "Why am I even crying?" I speak before I think.




"Because you love her. And you didn't think properly." We both stare at the ceiling. I sit and stew fro a minute.



"I don't love her. That's crazy, we're not even dating." I try to act a little offended. "Secrets safe with me Niall. All though everyone already knows. Love is beautiful, nothing to be embarrassed about. And I've known you've loved Erica for a long time."



“I have a hopeless crush on someone I have absolutely no chance with.” And of course I would fuck it up.

Notes

Ahh poor Niall! I did feel a bit sad writing this! Hope you all liked it.

Thank you all so much for the great response to this story. I'm quickly finding it my favorite. Of course it helps that it's the only story I'm writing. Thanks for reading, voting, commenting, and subscribing!! Love you all!

Happy Tuesday! Just a few more days till Friday! :0

xoxo