Soldier

Janurary 12, 2001
10:19 A.M.


'I find myself unmistakably in Liam's house, his curtains drawn, my body in his bed.

He looks amid me, and then, to his TV, then to his window. He talks softly, almost like an innocent child.

"Zayn doesn't love me." Tears fall.

"Zayn hates me."

"I love you, Zayn."

It was almost as if he didn't know I was there.. almost as if I wasn't ever going to be. I tap his shoulder, but he doesn't turn around.

"Liam.. I do love you. I love you more than life itself, but if I love you, who will love me? When you are away, it's like I am not living until I can feel your presence on me. Until I can feel your touch once again. That is my love for you, my darling. You are absolutely astonishing, baby. But your love towards me makes me question where I am in your pallet. It makes me wonder about who you are, and what you are going to be. I love you, Liam. But your once love, and lust, for me is now gone." I kiss his bare shoulder, but he doesn't hear me. He never will.

He will never hear the call of a coward. Never.'

I sit up, breathing quite heavily. Another dream. Another wrong place to be in the wrong time. Oh god, am I worried. This is the fourth night in a row, almost ever night since my incident with Liam. I compose myself, as my phone rings. I answer it.

"Ah, Zayn Malik. The nice reassurance you are not dead." The voice laughs.

"yeah, I am not. Although, I could very well be and neither you nor my neighbor would notice." I laugh back, as I recognize the voice: Liam.

"Well, I guess you are right. Of course, I am just teasing. I thought I would call you on this special day of your birth." He sneezes so I say a simple 'God bless you' very sarcastically and give him a 'Thanks, friend.'

"Anything for a-" sneeze "friend."

"You've got quite the cold, huh? Well, whilst you are out getting sick, I am at home, in my nice warm bed, watching the best of things."

"And what is that?" He ponders. "And my cold isn't that bad. I am just a bit stopped-" sneeze "up."

"I think the wall is very suitable for this occasion, that, my friend, is what I am watching. You are sick, admit the already known truth."

I laugh at my own joke. He stays quiet.

"Oh, man. Alrighty then." I calm down and speak into the phone.

"I am getting deployed in a few months.." He says.

"Well, I am glad that you are finally going to be leaving this hell hole we call England."

"Yeah. My mum has died. Christmas, actually."

I sit there, quiet.

"Liam I-"

"Yeah. You're sorry, right? It's fine. Everyone has a time, and unfortunately, this was hers. She died in her sleep." He begins to sigh.

"Liam, I have to go. It is past my waking up time. I have a new client. So I will see you later. Thank you for calling me. I hope you get deployed soon enough." I end the phone call, and dip my head down.

I start to cry. I actually start to cry. Not because today I turn 24. Not because I don't ever see Liam. Not because he is being deployed.

It's because the first chance I got, I knew something deeper than any secret that has been held inside of me.

I finally loved one thing in my lifetime, and it has been torn entirely from my grasp. I no longer have control over my emotions anymore, and if I had to, I would just quit giving two shits about a whole lot.

I didn't have a new client. I didn't have to go. I wanted to stay, but he didn't. I know that he hates me more than I hate myself, and that kills me. It kills everything, really.

Notes