Life, Cars and Zayn Malik... Wait What?!
Chapter 31: She's not mine anymore
Zayn’s POV
I got out to the car, and sat down in the driver’s seat before I broke down. My breathing had been deep and uneven the whole way to the car and now I could let everything out. Don't tell anyone, but I cried… a lot. She doesn’t understand what I was doing, and now she’s angry with me.
And she’s not mine anymore.
F*ck the entirety of my life. Eventually when I managed to calm myself down I drove away, looking back in the rear view mirror. I swear I saw her face in one of the windows, and tears threatened to spill again. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. This was supposed to be easy. The thing that hurt me was the look on her face… that pained look like someone had just stabbed her in the gut.
I was the reason for that look. I was the reason that she was in so much pain. But this was what I wanted right?
The question kept repeating in my head, around and around, as I drove to Codie’s house. Its where I was meeting the other guys so we could get to the airport and leave. Leaving again. All I wanted was to be able to be with Jamie, with none of this touring bullshit. I love doing all of that kind of stuff but I just want a couple of months, or even weeks, without anything. No recording, no touring, no concerts and no work to be a normal person again. Just so I could spend time with the single best thing in my life…
When I realised that I couldn’t take that amount of time off I realised something…
The time would come where I would probably have to make the choice between letting the whole world down or trying to convince one girl that me breaking her heart was a good thing.
I loved her enough to let her go, and I wanted to help her.
I finally made it to the house, and drove in subtly and got out the car. “Thanks for letting me use the car Codie.” I said in the best fake-happy tone I could.
“Hey, something wrong?” she asked, knowing me and the others too well.
“No.” I lied straight away without a second thought.
“If you say so.” She responded in an off tone, obviously not believing me. I heard heavy footsteps running down the stairs, and I turned to see Liam standing at the end of the couch with an unsure look on his face.
“Tell me that you didn’t do it.” He said straight away. I stayed silent and looked at the ground. “You did, didn’t you?” he asked rhetorically, he already knew the answer.
“Did what?” Codie asked, since she was still in the room. It was going to be bad enough to own up to what I did in front of the boys, but in front of Jamie’s best friend… I am so screwed. I pinched the bridge of my nose, hoping that there was something that would change the topic. Anything at all.
With my luck I should have known that nothing would happen apart from a fly buzzing around the room replacing what should have been crickets. I sat down on the couch and still kept my silent demeanour intact, I didn’t want to say it.
“Zayn, what did you do?” Codie asked again, it seemed that Liam was freaking out more than I was. Well, I was holding all of my freaking out on the inside. I shook my head in response to Codie’s question.
“Oh my god Zayn, what the hell?! You may as well have just said that you were cheating on her or something!” Liam shouted, making my eyes well up again.
“Did you break up with Jamie?” Codie asked next, sounding a little shocked. I didn’t answer, instead Liam was shouting miscellaneous things that were somehow making sense. When he finished his rant he looked straight at me.
“Why in the name of f*ck would you do that Zayn?! Do you even realise what you’ve done?!” he shouted at me. “She was the best thing that had happened to you since Perrie and now you just throw her away like she means nothing to you!” at that I had to speak up.
“Meant nothing to me? You think she meant nothing to me?!” I shouted, losing my temper quickly. “She was everything to me! I was thinking of quitting this band for her! I thought that I didn’t need anything but her!” I shouted at him.
“Then why did you end it with her?! She was keeping you from your cigarettes better than anyone else could-”
“Did it ever occur to you that I was doing it to protect her?” I cut him off. “You know how many days I’ve spent with her this entire year?” I asked him. “The first time I saw her was for my birthday, that was for four days. After that I saw her in Paris when the rest of the girls surprised us, that was three days. And this time it was only for Friday night to Sunday afternoon. That’s two days. In total that’s only 9 days this entire year! You guys have seen your girlfriends for at least a few weeks! I’ve barely seen Jamie because she’s working all the time and so am I!” I ranted, not able to hold it in.
“Zayn I-”
“Do you realise how hard it is to love someone so much and never be able to see them? To see all of you guys with all of your girls while I never get to see mine because she’s working her ass off for her family and herself? Do you know how hard it is to fake a smile all the f*cken time?” I asked Liam after I cut him off. “There was a reason that I told you why I was doing, to see if you could help me find a way to do this without hurting her.” I told him next, holding my face in my hands while my elbows were on my knees.
“I have to go to Jamie.” Codie said, taking the hand I didn’t realise was there from my back.
“Tell her she deserves better than me.” I told Codie.
“Don't you see what's really happening Zayn?” she asked me, sounding annoyed.
“I'm trying to help her.” I said, again trying not to cry again.
“She doesn’t want anyone better than you Zayn. She doesn’t want you to ‘help’ her like this. I’ve seen the way she looks at you, it is a completely different look than to what she gave Anthony and I can tell it’s a good different. You have been as good for her as she has for you. You showed her that not all men are asses, and she told me how much she felt for you. You probably just ripped her heart into pieces.” She snapped, before grabbing her keys and walking towards the door. “Tell Louis that I’ll be at the airport when you leave.” And those were her parting words as she walked out the front door and slammed it behind her.
Does no one see the good in what I did? I know that I'm struggling too… I just need confirmation from someone that doing this was the right thing. “Zayn, I see why you did it… but that is terrible reasoning.” Liam told me, not moving from his standing position beside the couch with his arms crossed.
“Well…” I took a deep breath and sighed. “At least she’s free to see someone that has time for her, someone unlike me.”
“She didn’t care Zayn, even I could see the way she looked at you. God damn it even Niall probably could and we all know how clueless he is about this stuff. You think what Codie and Louis have is strong… if I didn’t know any better I would say that you and Jamie were stronger. Obviously I was wrong with the way you ended it so quickly.” He told me.
“She deserves someone better than me.” I looked at him out the corner of my eyes, and I saw his frustrated expression.
“That she does, but she doesn’t want or need anyone other than you.” Liam responded as Louis walked into the room.
“Where did Codie go?” he asked, looking around the room.
“She went to Jamie’s.” Liam said in response.
“Why?” Louis asked next, sounding worried.
“Ask him.” Liam nearly spat, and I could tell that Louis would be more confused as the time passed.
“Okay… what the hell is going on?” Louis questioned, sounding frustrated. I didn’t answer and instead walked away and to one of the bedrooms in this mansion like thing and locked the door behind me.
Jamie’s beautiful face was still in my mind, the feeling of her lips on mine fresh like she is kissing me right at this moment. I bit my lip as I could almost hear her laughing and saying my full name in every tone possible. No matter how many times she said my name I could never get enough.
I could never get enough of her…
But I have to. The next time I see her will be as a friend of a friend. No kissing or hugging or holding hands, no jokes, no saying my full name and no more of her calling me Veronica. At that thought I grabbed the bracelet I was wearing that she gave me for my birthday. As a promise to myself I swear that I will never take this off unless absolutely necessary.
Her blue eyes flashed through my mind as I closed my own, I felt her hand in my own and I groaned as I realised what had really happened.
What had I done?
***
Obviously Liam must have told Louis and Louis must have told Harry and Harry mustn’t of told Niall because all of them were pretty peeved off at me and weren’t even talking to me while Niall seemed completely oblivious to that fact and wouldn’t stop talking to me.
I was caught in a predicament here…
Whether to keep listening to Niall or whether to just ignore everyone and life in general.
I sighed before I told Niall politely to shut up and I put my earphones in and ignored life. I closed my eyes and listened as one specific song played, it was bringing tears to my eyes and I couldn’t help it.
“I've waited a hundred years.
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for
The privilege of being yours would do.
If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what I was living for.
What I've been living for.
Your love is my turning page-”
I choked back the sobs I knew were coming as I skipped the song. I couldn’t listen to the song that Jamie and I had declared as our own. There had been almost too many times that song had been playing while Jamie and I had been together… so many time swe had sung it together.
I had grown almost as attached to that song as I had to her, and now I was letting go I would have to let go of the other for a while.
“Life's too short to even care at all oh,
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control.
These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh,
Oh oh oh oh,
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum.
Oh.”
Damn, I remember her singing that song when she was making brownies. That was one of the first times she tried to convince me to stop smoking. The first time we kissed properly since we had gotten together. I skipped that song too.
“I don't even like you
Why’d you want to go and make me feel this way?
I don't understand what's happening
I keep saying things I never say.”
I even remember her singing this song while scrambling eggs for breakfast. Every time I skipped a song it came up with another that either she had sung or just had memories attached to it. I couldn’t get away from her and we had only been apart for a few hours, that sucks major dog balls.
I stopped listening to the music that was playing and just left my earphones in to give the impression that I was still ignoring the world. But, as it happens, the other boys were singing.
“You and I
We don't wanna be like them
We can make it to the end
Well nothing came come between
You and I.”
Even that song has memories… god damn it I can’t get away. Her eyes were there when I closed mine, her face perfectly visible. To get away from her I opened them and looked out the window, failing in holding back tears that stung my eyes.
The decision to let her go was the worst in my life.
I just keep holding onto her.
I got out to the car, and sat down in the driver’s seat before I broke down. My breathing had been deep and uneven the whole way to the car and now I could let everything out. Don't tell anyone, but I cried… a lot. She doesn’t understand what I was doing, and now she’s angry with me.
And she’s not mine anymore.
F*ck the entirety of my life. Eventually when I managed to calm myself down I drove away, looking back in the rear view mirror. I swear I saw her face in one of the windows, and tears threatened to spill again. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. This was supposed to be easy. The thing that hurt me was the look on her face… that pained look like someone had just stabbed her in the gut.
I was the reason for that look. I was the reason that she was in so much pain. But this was what I wanted right?
The question kept repeating in my head, around and around, as I drove to Codie’s house. Its where I was meeting the other guys so we could get to the airport and leave. Leaving again. All I wanted was to be able to be with Jamie, with none of this touring bullshit. I love doing all of that kind of stuff but I just want a couple of months, or even weeks, without anything. No recording, no touring, no concerts and no work to be a normal person again. Just so I could spend time with the single best thing in my life…
When I realised that I couldn’t take that amount of time off I realised something…
The time would come where I would probably have to make the choice between letting the whole world down or trying to convince one girl that me breaking her heart was a good thing.
I loved her enough to let her go, and I wanted to help her.
I finally made it to the house, and drove in subtly and got out the car. “Thanks for letting me use the car Codie.” I said in the best fake-happy tone I could.
“Hey, something wrong?” she asked, knowing me and the others too well.
“No.” I lied straight away without a second thought.
“If you say so.” She responded in an off tone, obviously not believing me. I heard heavy footsteps running down the stairs, and I turned to see Liam standing at the end of the couch with an unsure look on his face.
“Tell me that you didn’t do it.” He said straight away. I stayed silent and looked at the ground. “You did, didn’t you?” he asked rhetorically, he already knew the answer.
“Did what?” Codie asked, since she was still in the room. It was going to be bad enough to own up to what I did in front of the boys, but in front of Jamie’s best friend… I am so screwed. I pinched the bridge of my nose, hoping that there was something that would change the topic. Anything at all.
With my luck I should have known that nothing would happen apart from a fly buzzing around the room replacing what should have been crickets. I sat down on the couch and still kept my silent demeanour intact, I didn’t want to say it.
“Zayn, what did you do?” Codie asked again, it seemed that Liam was freaking out more than I was. Well, I was holding all of my freaking out on the inside. I shook my head in response to Codie’s question.
“Oh my god Zayn, what the hell?! You may as well have just said that you were cheating on her or something!” Liam shouted, making my eyes well up again.
“Did you break up with Jamie?” Codie asked next, sounding a little shocked. I didn’t answer, instead Liam was shouting miscellaneous things that were somehow making sense. When he finished his rant he looked straight at me.
“Why in the name of f*ck would you do that Zayn?! Do you even realise what you’ve done?!” he shouted at me. “She was the best thing that had happened to you since Perrie and now you just throw her away like she means nothing to you!” at that I had to speak up.
“Meant nothing to me? You think she meant nothing to me?!” I shouted, losing my temper quickly. “She was everything to me! I was thinking of quitting this band for her! I thought that I didn’t need anything but her!” I shouted at him.
“Then why did you end it with her?! She was keeping you from your cigarettes better than anyone else could-”
“Did it ever occur to you that I was doing it to protect her?” I cut him off. “You know how many days I’ve spent with her this entire year?” I asked him. “The first time I saw her was for my birthday, that was for four days. After that I saw her in Paris when the rest of the girls surprised us, that was three days. And this time it was only for Friday night to Sunday afternoon. That’s two days. In total that’s only 9 days this entire year! You guys have seen your girlfriends for at least a few weeks! I’ve barely seen Jamie because she’s working all the time and so am I!” I ranted, not able to hold it in.
“Zayn I-”
“Do you realise how hard it is to love someone so much and never be able to see them? To see all of you guys with all of your girls while I never get to see mine because she’s working her ass off for her family and herself? Do you know how hard it is to fake a smile all the f*cken time?” I asked Liam after I cut him off. “There was a reason that I told you why I was doing, to see if you could help me find a way to do this without hurting her.” I told him next, holding my face in my hands while my elbows were on my knees.
“I have to go to Jamie.” Codie said, taking the hand I didn’t realise was there from my back.
“Tell her she deserves better than me.” I told Codie.
“Don't you see what's really happening Zayn?” she asked me, sounding annoyed.
“I'm trying to help her.” I said, again trying not to cry again.
“She doesn’t want anyone better than you Zayn. She doesn’t want you to ‘help’ her like this. I’ve seen the way she looks at you, it is a completely different look than to what she gave Anthony and I can tell it’s a good different. You have been as good for her as she has for you. You showed her that not all men are asses, and she told me how much she felt for you. You probably just ripped her heart into pieces.” She snapped, before grabbing her keys and walking towards the door. “Tell Louis that I’ll be at the airport when you leave.” And those were her parting words as she walked out the front door and slammed it behind her.
Does no one see the good in what I did? I know that I'm struggling too… I just need confirmation from someone that doing this was the right thing. “Zayn, I see why you did it… but that is terrible reasoning.” Liam told me, not moving from his standing position beside the couch with his arms crossed.
“Well…” I took a deep breath and sighed. “At least she’s free to see someone that has time for her, someone unlike me.”
“She didn’t care Zayn, even I could see the way she looked at you. God damn it even Niall probably could and we all know how clueless he is about this stuff. You think what Codie and Louis have is strong… if I didn’t know any better I would say that you and Jamie were stronger. Obviously I was wrong with the way you ended it so quickly.” He told me.
“She deserves someone better than me.” I looked at him out the corner of my eyes, and I saw his frustrated expression.
“That she does, but she doesn’t want or need anyone other than you.” Liam responded as Louis walked into the room.
“Where did Codie go?” he asked, looking around the room.
“She went to Jamie’s.” Liam said in response.
“Why?” Louis asked next, sounding worried.
“Ask him.” Liam nearly spat, and I could tell that Louis would be more confused as the time passed.
“Okay… what the hell is going on?” Louis questioned, sounding frustrated. I didn’t answer and instead walked away and to one of the bedrooms in this mansion like thing and locked the door behind me.
Jamie’s beautiful face was still in my mind, the feeling of her lips on mine fresh like she is kissing me right at this moment. I bit my lip as I could almost hear her laughing and saying my full name in every tone possible. No matter how many times she said my name I could never get enough.
I could never get enough of her…
But I have to. The next time I see her will be as a friend of a friend. No kissing or hugging or holding hands, no jokes, no saying my full name and no more of her calling me Veronica. At that thought I grabbed the bracelet I was wearing that she gave me for my birthday. As a promise to myself I swear that I will never take this off unless absolutely necessary.
Her blue eyes flashed through my mind as I closed my own, I felt her hand in my own and I groaned as I realised what had really happened.
What had I done?
***
Obviously Liam must have told Louis and Louis must have told Harry and Harry mustn’t of told Niall because all of them were pretty peeved off at me and weren’t even talking to me while Niall seemed completely oblivious to that fact and wouldn’t stop talking to me.
I was caught in a predicament here…
Whether to keep listening to Niall or whether to just ignore everyone and life in general.
I sighed before I told Niall politely to shut up and I put my earphones in and ignored life. I closed my eyes and listened as one specific song played, it was bringing tears to my eyes and I couldn’t help it.
“I've waited a hundred years.
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for
The privilege of being yours would do.
If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what I was living for.
What I've been living for.
Your love is my turning page-”
I choked back the sobs I knew were coming as I skipped the song. I couldn’t listen to the song that Jamie and I had declared as our own. There had been almost too many times that song had been playing while Jamie and I had been together… so many time swe had sung it together.
I had grown almost as attached to that song as I had to her, and now I was letting go I would have to let go of the other for a while.
“Life's too short to even care at all oh,
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control.
These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh,
Oh oh oh oh,
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum.
Oh.”
Damn, I remember her singing that song when she was making brownies. That was one of the first times she tried to convince me to stop smoking. The first time we kissed properly since we had gotten together. I skipped that song too.
“I don't even like you
Why’d you want to go and make me feel this way?
I don't understand what's happening
I keep saying things I never say.”
I even remember her singing this song while scrambling eggs for breakfast. Every time I skipped a song it came up with another that either she had sung or just had memories attached to it. I couldn’t get away from her and we had only been apart for a few hours, that sucks major dog balls.
I stopped listening to the music that was playing and just left my earphones in to give the impression that I was still ignoring the world. But, as it happens, the other boys were singing.
“You and I
We don't wanna be like them
We can make it to the end
Well nothing came come between
You and I.”
Even that song has memories… god damn it I can’t get away. Her eyes were there when I closed mine, her face perfectly visible. To get away from her I opened them and looked out the window, failing in holding back tears that stung my eyes.
The decision to let her go was the worst in my life.
I just keep holding onto her.
